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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Completely embracing being a housewife

136 replies

bananasoranges · 16/04/2015 10:19

I was made reduntant at Christmas and then went through a period of applying for loads of jobs and feeling a bit miserable. I have heard absolutely nothing regarding the jobs. DH then started to say how good things were now I am at home not working and I started to think of all the benefits of our new situation. I am not stressed, house always clean and tidy, lovely meals as a family, more time to help dc with school work etc. The relationship between DH and I has never been better. Money is extremely tight though we can just about manage on DHs salary. He says he would rather that than go back to how things were. This feels really good and we are all happy, but I have a niggling feeling I should be working - mainly get the vibe from other people.

OP posts:

123upthere · 18/04/2015 07:09

Moustache I could've written your post. It really does depend on circumstances and sometimes too logistically when my DH is working 300 miles away or abroad life is made somewhat more stable by the fact that I'm here for DCs and running the home providing the invisible emotional support to our DCs which just can't be bought or paid for. We have secure provisions in place for me and his rise up the career ladder has been very fast in recent years. I'm not sure this would have been so smooth if our homelife would have seen both of us coming home at 8pm each night trying to shuffle tired hungry DCs to bed after their day at a busy noisy crèche competing with other kids for the caregivers attention etc Then work trips away/long meetings/catching up in work at weekends etc for both of us? When exactly would we get time to actually nurture our DCs?

123upthere · 18/04/2015 07:12

That said I do have an intellectually stimulating sideline which I can do from home and will be looking into a masters degree very soon

Duckdeamon · 18/04/2015 07:16

Another DH working away and getting umpteen promotions while his DW covers it all at home - so few men are willing to do this for their wives and DC.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 07:24

But if DH gets the ££££££ job first then am I to say no I'm not going to let your career success be easy for you or our home life, rather I'm going to compete with you and push myself up the ladder while our DCs spend their childhood in a crèche? If it works for us that is the point. Your circumstances may be different.

Stinkersmum · 18/04/2015 07:26

I've recently become a housewife. All being well, in October I shall become a sahm. I think I'm rather looking forward to it after 20+ years of working. DH would consider being the sahp but as he earns 6 times as much as I do, it makes sense he works. It's an arrangement we're both happy with. As long as we're happy I couldn't care less what anyone else's opinion is. Yes, marriages do go wrong. But if we all worried about that there'd be no point in getting married in the first place.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 07:27

My parents both worked when I was a child and I remember too well the chaos at home, I did most of cooking housework looking after younger siblings so that my mother had the status of being anything but a housewife. Still didn't make her happy. She was very frustrated. So it's not just 'housewives' who are so often deemed frustrated in their choice of job

123upthere · 18/04/2015 07:36

I think it works for us because he is always telling me what a fantastic role I play in our lives and is fully supportive of my ambitions once DC are older. Never do I feel it's unequal as we share everything been together 20 years. Married knowing we wanted to, separating is just nt something we morally agree on. Arguments are very rare. I feel lucky.

Capricorn76 · 18/04/2015 07:46

I agree Duckdeamon. I don't know why the DW always put their careers last. Having hated my last job I retrained whilst on mat leave (I sought advice from a recruitment consultant friend on which jobs I would possibly like that bring in the most money) doing online courses whilst DD slept and DH took days off work so I could attend exams. We now both work full time. DD is at nursery after recently ending a great nanny share and starts school in sept.

DH and I share everything 50/50. We have a cleaner but share all tasks outside of this. We both earn good money pulling in over £120k between us ( he earns more but I've been rising fast and expect to double my pay in next 2 years). We rarely work over 35hrs each, although occasionally have to log on for an hour or so when DDs gone to bed, have not taken on roles that require travel etc. It is possible for both parents to work and still have a clean home and happy kid.

It was very tough for me for the first year at work starting from the bottom in a new industry but I knew it would eventually lead to good pay and a decent home/work balance. The plan is to keep slogging my way to mgt then DH and I will both apply for flexitime as we feel DD will need us around more as she progresses through school.

In the long run I feel it's better for my family if I can pull in as much as my DH. I also know that although DH said he would support me if I left work that he's relieved that I was too ambitious and risk averse to do this. DH and I are solid but DM drummed it into me to be self-sufficient.

Variousrandomthings · 18/04/2015 07:47

Op can you study for something? Part time Masters? Part time degree?

Or work part time, even if it's only two days a week

wheresmyAga · 18/04/2015 09:20

Your children will only ever need you less and less

Not in my experience. After working for 20 years, then spending 10 years doing bits and pieces (mainly from home) while my DC were little, I find that now they're teenagers, when they emerge from their bedrooms, when they need me, they need me more than ever, be it for help with friendship issues or emotional support and guidance.

My ability to earn has dwindled in recent years, while my DH's has risen. He feels my contribution to our lives (cooking, cleaning, teen care) is every bit as valuable as his earning capacity.

Despite his support, recently I've been wondering whether in some way I'm 'letting the feminist side down' by not continuing with my career, although I'm extremely happy. I wish there were a simple answer.

Stinkersmum · 18/04/2015 10:11

wheresmyAga 'recently I've been wondering whether in some way I'm 'letting the feminist side down' by not continuing with my career'

Surely being femenist is about supporting equal rights, opportunities and choices for women. If you chose to be a sahm, then surely that's feminism in action?

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 10:30

I don't think you are "letting the feminist side down"
I think the men involved in the long hours "presenteeism culture" are.

Surely no one needs to work 80-100 hours a week in their careers to make it anymore.
Its so outdated and I really question why anyone would want to be so absent from their DC lives.

I think that many couples in this culture -long hours/SAHM cant comprehend that other working parents prefer and have a more balanced lifestyle.
Most of the professional couples I know have flexibility ,perhaps that's because they are senior in their roles.

If the only way you can achieve a family lifestyle is by sacrificing your career, its hardly a choice

123upthere · 18/04/2015 10:30

And also we always seem to look for a measuring stick ££ at work gives us a tangible visual that we are of value but if sah there is only an invisible value we don't receive ££ but by goodness happy calm children are evidence enough for me that my choice was the right one for us

123upthere · 18/04/2015 10:37

I don't think I'd call it sacrificing a career as many people know there is more to life than a 'career' depends on how one was raised/expectations from self, family, parents/ ambition/etc For me I always knew kids would come first as I can never get another chance to have time with them but I can always retrain/job search/find work even it takes me a lite longer which I expect it to. But never could I put any of that before my kids. Just different perspective I suppose and glad to have the choice - feminist theory of choice

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 10:50

123 Im talking specifically about those who have stated on here that they have no choice but to give up work to facilitate a normal family life due to their partners working lives.
Its very rarely men who do this.
I don't think I put my career before my DC, they were cared for equally by DH and I- no CC.
I don't like the implication that women who WOH put their careers before the happiness of their DC- I doubt you would apply that to the men who rarely see their DC .The vast majority of parents work hard to ensure their DC are happy.

Now mine are teenagers/older I have lots of time and money which I wouldn't have if I were trying to re-establish my career from scratch.

GatoNaranja · 18/04/2015 10:52

I'm a housewife. I bloody love it. I do object somewhat to the word 'housewife' though...

123upthere · 18/04/2015 11:09

Does it also depend on the age one decides to have kids too, if it leaves plenty of time for retraining later when having experienced life a bit more one is in a more employable position? More mature, family settled, know what you want from a job rather than taking a job and leaving it for something else a year later? I'm still quite young in today's terms but I'm well qualified so when the time is right I'll go for it with the cushion of my savings under me. I'll personally be happier doing it this way than knowing i left my little kids elsewhere all day. Suits some, never suited me.

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 11:13

Ok Im out if you are going to refer to parents "leaving their little kids elsewhere all day"

Really unpleasant thing to say and I have never used any form of Childcare.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 11:25

It really wasn't directed at you RitaOrange at all. I was talking in general and then about my own personal preferences and having the choice in life re career /being at home. Your choice suited your needs, mine suited us. Great to have the choice. Respect to us both.

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 11:30

I know it wasn't - I only pointed out that I haven't used CC so that I wasn't seen to be only defending my own choices but the choices of others .
Its unpleasant to refer to" leaving kids ( they are children) elsewhere all day" as it implies that their mothers ( never their fathers !) are uncaring.

If you want to SAH then that's your choice - there is no need to denigrate the choices of other parents.

123upthere · 18/04/2015 11:33

You must've misconstrued my point unfortunately. No denigration intended. People do what they think best. I understand. Would be a boring world if we all thought the same/did the same. Personally for me as I've already said my children with me rather than another carer was best for our family.

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 11:38

No I don't think I did- it was unpleasant referring to "Kids left elsewhere all day"

Not continuing with this now.

wheresmyAga · 18/04/2015 11:42

Stinkersmum you've made me feel better, thanks

Good point RitaOrange, but I don't feel I'm sacrificing anything personally. Except possibly being a role model for my DC. But then again, when I do work, it's from home and I tend to stop when they get in from school if I possibly can. So they don't see me working or coming home from work tired anyway!

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 11:50

Mine often see me coming in from work absolutely shattered but Im not sure why that's a bad thing ??

I often get a cup of tea

wheresmyAga · 18/04/2015 12:06

No, it's not a bad thing IMHO - the reverse, in fact. Wish they did.

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