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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Completely embracing being a housewife

136 replies

bananasoranges · 16/04/2015 10:19

I was made reduntant at Christmas and then went through a period of applying for loads of jobs and feeling a bit miserable. I have heard absolutely nothing regarding the jobs. DH then started to say how good things were now I am at home not working and I started to think of all the benefits of our new situation. I am not stressed, house always clean and tidy, lovely meals as a family, more time to help dc with school work etc. The relationship between DH and I has never been better. Money is extremely tight though we can just about manage on DHs salary. He says he would rather that than go back to how things were. This feels really good and we are all happy, but I have a niggling feeling I should be working - mainly get the vibe from other people.

OP posts:

Nolim · 17/04/2015 07:00

I agree. That a wohp cannot be a full time childcarer/personal assistant is not under discussion. Does it make him/her not supportive of the other partner's careers?

RuthAaaghhh · 17/04/2015 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupbutfine · 17/04/2015 07:16

I think if it works for you, that's fine and you shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks or says.

But as a former SAHM who's ex husband walked out, cleared the bank accounts as he went and who held all the financial cards for several years following that, I can only say that do think about 'what if...'.

And someone above said it's possible to re-train if your marriage breaks down so a few years of hardship is no problem. It is way more complex than that. Current benefit rules make this difficult as there is an obligation to work if your children are over the age of 5. There is no 'right' to re-train and remain on benefits in a divorce situation. It's fine if you have a husband who earns enough that he would pay spousal maintenance whilst you retrained and the spousal maintenance would be enough to get you through the training. But if you would need to rely on benefits, it's more difficult. If you are out of work for many years and find yourself in this situation with a difficult ex (is there any other kind?!), you could have a very difficult time and struggle to recover from a financial perspective.

I know no one thinks their marriage will break down but it is the one thing you can't insure against and it's something that hits very hard if it does. Illness, death and disability can be in some way warded off from a financial point of view with good insurance cover. Pensions can be topped up regardless of whether you are actually in work. Husband who thinks the grass is greener is far more difficult to deal with!

Seriouslyffs · 17/04/2015 07:19

No Nolim and I think what the poster's colleagues up post meant when they talked about having a supportive partner was this, 'Joe you're doing really well because you have a lift to the station in the morning, never want to leave for sports day or to pick up your dry cleaning. You also eat a proper evening meal and breakfast rather than the 20something singletons who have an espresso and Marlborough for breakfast, red bull all day then mcdonalds for supper. And you won't leave because you've got an enormous mortgage and 4 mouths to feed all on your own. Mwah haha!'
But talking about having a supportive partner is more tactful!

Duckdeamon · 17/04/2015 07:20

Worth careful consideration, including financial issues (your pension, life insurance, interest rate changes, expenses increasing as DC get older, joint savings), risks (eg DH becoming unwell, break-up, redundancy).

Also the likely impact of a career break on your future earnings and employment, in your current field, or occupations you might like to do in the future.

And your DH and how supportive he is likely to be in the LT. I know a few men who having initially pushed for their wives to SaH want them to get jobs a few years on (DC in school, they are envious of their wives' greater leisure time and feeling the pinch financially) and on flexible terms and with good salaries too! They don't always appreciate the challenges.

Ginmartini · 17/04/2015 07:23

I agree that you should do whatever works for you all as a family and ignore other people's opinions as often they are biased or political anyway.

BUT

I think it's precarious for women to give up work completely. You never know what the future holds. You don't know if your marriage will last and how your dh would act in that event. Y

ou are happy and relaxed now but these are early days - will you feel unfulfilled? Frustrated?

The lack of funds could begin to bother you and become more of a problem.

I always advise new mums who want to give up work to keep one foot in the door, do something part time, at home, freelance, anything other than completely taking yourself out of the workforce and potentially losing all your contacts and paths to future employment.

Duckdeamon · 17/04/2015 07:26

"Supportive partners". Indeed. Talk about a major advantage for these men at work, putting in the hours, travel, taking on high profile jobs, resulting in promotions, with the women covering everything at home.

NakedBaby · 17/04/2015 07:28

'Because people think I should' is no reason to make a decision .

What do you work as? I've kept my hand in with a few sporadic contracts - but there is a lot to be said for focussing on one thing at a time (ie focussing on DC while they are young).

sandgrown · 17/04/2015 07:33

Ignore everybody and do what works for your family though a little savings in your name would give you a bit of a security blanket.

Nolim · 17/04/2015 07:38

Seriouslyffs: alright then. I do not support my dps career and he doesnt support mine. And we wouldnt want it any other way.

tumbletumble · 17/04/2015 07:39

I agree that you should do what makes you and your family happy.

But be careful of your motives.

If it really is just the vibe from other people, then ignore that. But is there anything more to it? Are you sure that you're not being influenced by the misery of job rejection and your DH's feelings rather than thinking about what YOU really want? You haven't been job hunting for very long. Maybe part-time work would suit you well and give you a good work life balance plus a little extra income than now?

If I were you, I would carry on looking for a job, in a low-key non stressed way. You may find that, if the perfect job came up, you'd make a different decision.

tumbletumble · 17/04/2015 07:43

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. But now they're all at school I'm back at work (part time), and most of my SAHM friends have also returned to work. I think it might get quite lonely for you in the longer term.

Ledkr · 17/04/2015 07:58

We are going through a very stressful period with work and kids at the moment. Dh works shifts and so we often end up knackered.
I'd love to stop work and take on a more supportive role but I also enjoy our holidays, days out, meals out etc so need to work!
My daughter also dances to a high level which is expensive.
Enjoy it, I can completely imagine how much you are enjoying it tho.

CPtart · 17/04/2015 07:59

You are only four months into this, how will you feel about it in four years? Of course men usually encourage this set up, they're not the ones mopping floors and doing the laundry on a wet Wednesday. They get to pursue their career and have all the fun at weekend, win win.
It could be the right decision for you and other people's opinions are irrelevant, but it may well be worth you looking at the many threads on here about women who did stay at home long term and felt down the line they wished they hadn't.
Good luck.

Seriouslyffs · 17/04/2015 08:21

Nolim I hope you don't think I was having a go at anyone's choices; I was merely stating that when a man is praised at work for having a supportive partner it usually means work like having an employee who can concentrate 100% on work.

Redcastle · 17/04/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nolim · 17/04/2015 08:41

I understand seriouslyffs. I also believe that every one is free to make the choices that are better for they and their families. And that a sahp ( typically the wife is the one who stays at home ) can do more from a practical point of view in order lo let the wohp focus on work. Calling someone supportive because of this bothers me a bit but is a matter of semantics i guess.

Seriouslyffs · 17/04/2015 08:45

Yep it's just semantics. Interesting to note 'works' agenda when using the word though.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 17/04/2015 09:00

You can't possibly know that OP doesn't have to work in the future if she doesn't want to PisforPeter. Her husband could shuffle off this mortal coil or become incapacitated, without there being sufficient insurance to keep her. They could separate. OP hasn't said whether they're reliant on any income based top up benefits to maintain them: if so, these may well change in the future and certainly would decrease once their children reach a certain age. She hasn't included enough information for you to be able to exclude all these possibilities, and as there are very few people of working age who could decide not to work again and be sure they wouldn't have to, it seems reasonable not to assume OP is one of them. You'd have to know for certain you were never going to be reliant on benefits whatever shit hit whatever fans, really. As pointed out by a pp, most of us are not that many wageslips away from disaster, be it our own or someone else's.

That said, if you really want to SAH OP and it works for your family, getting a niggling vibe from other people isn't a reason not to do it.

nemoskeeper2 · 17/04/2015 09:11

A lot of these 'be cautious' type posts about the marriage breaking up in future and opening poster being left high and dry financially make me wonder why the posters of such words get married/cohabit at all. It's all a bit 'one foot out the door'. Either you commit and take your chances or you count your pennies alone. It's just why bother with a serious (not talking about casual relationships) relationships if you can already see it possibly failing down the line? Surely the way a person lives in a relationship with the constant niggling that things might go wrong is worse than being alone?

LotusLight · 17/04/2015 09:19

I don't think people are saying it to be ultra cautious. We were married for 20 years. My children's father always said he would give up work if we could not find childare (ultimately I earned 10x what he does) and we both worked full time. Imagine on a divorce after 20 years had we been living on his teacher's salary rather than my larger one?

it's just about spreading risk and I say this to my almost adult children too - try to pick a high paid career (not all women have the sense to do that of course as their stay at home mother just "wants them to be happy"..... and "follow their dread" (in ceramics or PR or whatever suitable female low earning pin money thing so many silly girls go into)) and try to spread risk =- try to have savings, insurance, may be if you can afford it a second property you let out, your two jobs - yours and his, perhaps both have part time earnings too - I left my last job when I made as much as my year's salary from out of work earnings etc. Never put all eggs in one basket.

Mind you we have rather got off topic. This poster has been made redundant and cannot get another job despite loads of trying so may be there is just no chance of a job and that is after being out of work after only a month. After 8 years with no job it does not get easier - it gets harder,.

TiggieBoo · 17/04/2015 09:25

Like it or not, a lot of marriages end up in divorce. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to break down, but it happens, and it's no good ignoring the possibility. I don't expect to die young, but still have life insurance just in case. For the same reason I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on DP, it's a form of insurance.

Redcastle · 17/04/2015 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ignatiusjreilly · 17/04/2015 09:41

I don't understand the logic of having a separate savings account in your name... surely if the marriage ends in divorce your husband/wife will be entitled to half of whatever's in that account? It counts as part of the assets of the marriage, no matter whose name the account is in.

Unless you mean for unmarried couples?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 17/04/2015 09:46

try to pick a high paid career (not all women have the sense to do that of course as their stay at home mother just "wants them to be happy"..... and "follow their dread" (in ceramics or PR or whatever suitable female low earning pin money thing so many silly girls go into

Did you mean to be so condescending?

Fwiw I'll be telling my children to do what makes them happy. What good is a shit load of money if you're miserable? You're a long time dead... only get one life.... etc...

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