Completely embracing being a housewife

[bananasoranges]

I was made reduntant at Christmas and then went through a period of applying for loads of jobs and feeling a bit miserable. I have heard absolutely nothing regarding the jobs. DH then started to say how good things were now I am at home not working and I started to think of all the benefits of our new situation. I am not stressed, house always clean and tidy, lovely meals as a family, more time to help dc with school work etc. The relationship between DH and I has never been better. Money is extremely tight though we can just about manage on DHs salary. He says he would rather that than go back to how things were. This feels really good and we are all happy, but I have a niggling feeling I should be working - mainly get the vibe from other people.

It isn't just about a relationship ending nemo, although even those of us who are extremely happily married aren't immune from that possibility. Humans have an unfortunate habit of dying, or becoming too ill to work, or having a nervous breakdown. There's not a lot you can do to avoid that prospect, particularly the first one, and while you can insure against death it's a fuck of a lot harder to get the companies to cough up when a person's still living. However unwell. By all means, view the acknowledgment of these very realistic possibilities as a reason not to have a serious relationship if you want. Your call. But in answer to your question about whether being in a relationship knowing things might go wrong is worse than being alone- no.

Ignatius I think that's because there are people who've literally been left penniless when all the money they had was in the joint account and the spouse cleared it out. As in, no money to feed the kids or put in the meter. You're right about assets of the marriage, but it's about short term survival rather than divorce settlements.

Pourquoi I couldn't find the post you're referring to but it sounds like Xenia. So in that case I'd say yes, she definitely meant to be condescending!

Thanks LadyCatherine, I see what you mean. Makes sense now!

Yes, much harder and more costly to insure for being ill or incapacitated than for death! My DM was in her early 40s and instead of the earnings she'd planned for had to use savings and incapacity benefits for 20+ years until she reached pension age. My DF was working too, luckily, but he too due had to stop working many years before he planned due to poor health.

Re those who rely on a partner financially who aren't married, they are taking a very very big risk IMO.

Pourquoi, long-term financial hardship isn't exactly a route to happiness either!

Of course it's not, but pushing a highly paid career on your kids (as Lotus is suggesting) even if it's not what they want isn't a particularly nice thing to do to them.

Lucy ah yes, I remember Xenia.

I don't understand the logic of having a separate savings account in your name... surely if the marriage ends in divorce your husband/wife will be entitled to half of whatever's in that account? It counts as part of the assets of the marriage, no matter whose name the account is in

and this is one of the biggest divorce myths going....divorce is never about entitlement, it can only ever be about 'what's left'. If your ex clears the joint accounts and spends it, what is it you expect the courts to do? you can't have half of nothing, even assuming that you had that 'entitlement' to half in the first place. The courts can make allowances for this kind of behaviour within a divorce settlement but whether they actually do make that adjustment depends enormously on many, many factors including length of marriage, who the children live with, age of children when divorce is going through, what you may (or may not) have put into the marriage financially, what you may have given up financially etc. etc. etc. It is never as simple as an entitlement to half.

Good for you OP, nice to be happy and stress free. I didn't work when my DCs were younger and although its each to their own, I was happy with my choice. I felt less pressurized than when I was in full-time work and although yes money was tighter, I just managed. I loved having time to explore and enjoy life with DCs. Now that they're older Im self-employed but only work part-time. That suits the work/life balance I want to a T, I don't intend to work full-time outside the home ever again. OH works full-time and I do most of the housework & cooking on weekdays but, we're relaxed and it works well for us. I have a load of paperwork to do today but Im at home and can get on with what I need to do in peace, then going for a walk by riverbank later on. I don't want it any other way.

Do what suits you best OP. I think some people do judge but if they're not judging one thing they judge another. Life's too short to take that on board and life holds no guarantees anyway. Go with your flow, if that suits you

I did SAHM for 4 years after our 2nd child was born. I had gone straight back to work after dc1, so really enjoyed it. The family benefitted from the clean house, school-gate, meals cooked from scratch and no panic over collections/drops/dh abroad/illness etc. It was great for quite a while.

However it really got in on me after a bit and I felt I'd lost myself. It was hard to make friends at the schoolgate/toddler groups etc. I got totally absorbed in menu planning, cooking, cleaning, shopping. Not good. But I did have that time with the children, dc1 was only 7 at the time.

I went back to work and I'm really glad I did - I was lucky that my job was kept open for me. On reflection, I think I went a bit Stepford OTT on the SAHM'ing, and applied similar standards to myself as I had when I was at work... I ended up bored and frustrated and I just wasn't cut out for it.

Probably sound like a complete loon now, but that was my experience.

So OP if there's some way you could do things that would help you should your feelings change about SAHM'ing it's worth thinking about. Keep your options open, and enjoy life

Ruth is quite right.
Also women who love their jobs and earn a shed load of money are very happy, take it from me. Why can you not be happy when earning huge sums? It is not some terrible burden which makes us cry into our pillows because we've missed years of cleaning the house.

Ha ha ^^

Earning shed loads & working PT is the best

Probably about to be flamed

Earning shedloads and working part time sounds great if you can get it!
OP-do what suits you!
Getting back to work later can be more or less easy depending on your field.
Some professions have return to practice courses. If you are reasonably young you could start something new.
If you can manage financially being at home at present and are enjoying it why change things?
I understood that the state pension was protected whilst you are claiming child benefit-or that the number of years contributions required for a full pension had been reduced.
You might not want to do this forever but for now it sounds as if it suits you and your family.

Nolim The contrast was meant to be between being single and having a supportive partner, or being being in a relationship where the partner wasn't supportive (which wasn't broken down on the sahp and wohp lines at all). Some people do have partners who aren't supportive- either practically or emotionally.

So a bit more along the lines of what seriouslyiffs suggests, except we don't have an enormous mortgage and he is unlikely to leave his workplace anyway. As he had already gotten his 15 year long service award by the time we met (he's been there since he did his student placement whilst at university) and now he's an equity partner. He is happy there and the place has a really good work culture (it's regularly on those 100 top places to work lists).

He was always on that track anyway, just getting into a relationship that made him happy boosted him a lot. Not least because he cut his hours from about 65-70 hours a week to about 50-55 when he finally had a reason to leave the office other than Sky Sports. Having someone to go home to prompted him to evaluate his work performance and focus on effectiveness not presenteeism and I think that helped him a lot.

And, to be honest, he easily does half the housework, he probably does a good bit more than me to be fair (enough that I sometimes feel guilty). He thinks if I am the one does all the cooking Monday to Friday, that's enough to be my side of the housework. But he does all the cooking at the weekend.

During this time he has also supported me during bad depression due to the death of a parent, when I really couldn't get out of bed most days for months. He took all the practical strain then- cooked, cleaned, held me whilst I alternately cried or stared into the distance.

I think my point is, it can work for some people. It is absolutely correct to be worried about future finances, what happens if you split up/someone dies etc. But there are ways through that other than both people working. It does depend on the actual level of trust you have between the two of you based on experience of one another, and what steps you are able and prepared to put in place to manage some of the other issues. Like a lump sum in the sahp's name, ongoing saving and pension contributions in both names, how household responsibilities will be divided, life and incapacity insurances for both people. There's not a blanket answer to "do you trust one another enough to do this" that is valid for every couple, it really does depend on circumstances.

Thank you for clarifying moustache, from your post i thought you meant practical support and that bothered me a bit since there are other ways to be supportive.

I agree working PT and earning a decent salary is the best way
How sad that still women have to give up their careers to get anything approaching a family life because their DH wont engage and do their share.

Its way better to hold onto your career and insist that your DH does his share also.
Strange that most successful women don't have a SAHH slave enabling them to go up the ladder

If you can afford it and you and your DH are happy. DO IT! I am a SAHM and my DDs are 15 and 13, I love it. The house is always clean and tidy, garden lovely and I always had time to organise DD's having friends to tea and helping in the classroom when they were small and now can drive them to all their activities. I walk the dog, go to the gym, look after the house and grocery shopping, cook and bake and I love it. I have interests outside the home, book group, college evening classes, charity volunteering and I am now looking for a part time job that suits me. Would not have changed it for the world.

I also have a clean and tidy house, hobbies, home cooked meals, cook and bake etc but also have a career.
The different factor is a DH who also thinks that housework, cooking and childcare are partially his responsibility not just mine.

Tigre is right. Of course it's easier, no deadlines, if you don't do something on time you won't have someone giving you a hard time.

However, it's difficult getting back into work, many many threads atest to this. There is a thread going on at present from someone who hasn't worked for years, her requirements as to the next role are rather unrealistic. She is wondering why she doesn't get any interviews, she wants school friendly hours..

Aldo, please don't take this the wrong way. 50% of marriages end in divorce, live in relationships are worse. You only have to look at the anger on the Lone Parents thread to see what happens and what they are left with once their ex moves on and they have little in the way of recent work experience

Good point Rita, I have a husband who shares too.

Yes Rita. So often on here and in RL there is "I can't work FT, beyond school hours, travel because of DH's job". The man's job is prioritised after DC, employers are not challenged by many men to enable more flexible working, with women's pay and career progression stifled - both the men's partners and female colleagues with DC at work who can't compete.

I misread the thread title completely and thought you said 'completely embarrassing being a housewife'. [ blush]

If it works for you that's great, and all that matters.

I'll be more supportive of the notion, generally, if and when men start giving up their careers en mass, to help their wives progress theirs instead. Oddly, they don't seem to really want to...

If you're happy then it's the right thing to do. I would carry on training in my career though if I were you, courses, a part-time degree programme or something. Your children will only ever need you less and less and although you are happy now you might not be in 5 years or less so you need to keep on investing in your career while off with the kids. We all know that once out of the workplace for 5 years it's pretty much game over so think about what you might lose and how you can protect yourself against that. If you are happy now then it is the right choice for now, just protect and prepare for later.