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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling p'd off with my dd's friends mum

116 replies

thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 05:15

My dd is 9 years old she has a friend who tbh is a bit difficult. Whenever the friend comes over they often end up having an argument and the friend is often naughty and difficult to control. Recently I've not been initiating contact between them outside of school and discouraging dd if she asks. However her friends mum is a single mum who works full time and she'll text me asking if I can have her daughter on a day during the holidays. I know she struggles so I will say yes unless there's a genuine reason why not.

I've just had her daughter for the day, I took them out lunch and cinema. I thought if I kept them both occupied it would help the day go faster. I paid I don't mind I've done it before the mum knows. I had to tell her to sit still she wanted to climb over and under the seats!

So she has $6 to spend with her. She tells my dd that she wants to buy some scratch cards and give her half of them. I think ok that's nice, we do that and get home she gives my dd 3 cards. My dd wins $7 on her cards she wins nothing. Ok a bit later that day I hear an argument taking place, dd's friend want her to give the winning scratch card back and it's getting pretty heated. I decide to let the dirt it out between them and my dd keeps the card. Fair enough I think her friend did say it was for her.

Dd's friend goes home and later on the evening I get a text from mum saying that she believes I have a scratch card belonging to her dd and can I keep it safe for her dd. I speak to my dd, she is adamantly opposed to returning the card. I do feel peeved with the mum as I feel it's quite petty I've had her dd all day spent money on her etc. what shall I do force dd to give up scratch card? Say I've lost card and give $7 on top of everything else I've spent on dds friend? Or just say no? I'm in a mind to refuse any future requests, as I'm feeling fed up, AIBU?

OP posts:
lolalotta · 16/04/2015 05:23

I think you are being unreasonable. I would not allow 9 year olds to buy scratch cards, especially one that was not my DD. It's gambling and they're too young!

Fuckup · 16/04/2015 05:23

Keep the card, refuse to have the girl again. Bloody cheek.

Givenotake · 16/04/2015 05:23

YANBU. I don't know what I'd do in the situation though as I hate awkward things like this. I avoid confrontation with other mums like the plague (but weirdly don't mind it at all elsewhere). Since she's not really a friend of yours and you do her a fair few favours I'd be straight with her. It's quite possible her DD didn't tell her about the sharing the cards situation and just said that your DD had her card.

SavoyCabbage · 16/04/2015 05:48

I would give it back to her and I would never ever have her as a guest again. It sounds like it's of little pleasure or benefit to your own dd to have her at your house.

Then I would tell dd that the other girls mother is insisting that her dd gets the card. And that life is sometimes not fair and that this is one of those times. Tell her that her friend won't be coming to your house any more and encourage her to make different friends.

I'm not saying that play dates are supposed to be fun for the parents but this is beyond a joke!

KoalaDownUnder · 16/04/2015 05:48

This is why 9-year-olds shouldn't be buying scratch cards in the first place - they're too immature to stick to how it works. Of course you wouldn't give someone a scratch card as a gift and then demand the money if they won, but you're an adult.

I'd just tell my daughter to give back the card, return it to the girl, and wash my hands of the whole thing. It's not worth the drama. Buy your daughter a little treat for taking the higher ground.

And tell her not to accept scratch cards as gifts from other children in future.

Ginmartini · 16/04/2015 05:50

I'd reply 'yes sure I will make sure she gets it - just to let you know your dd (kindly) gave my dd money to buy scratch cards and it was my dd who won the £7 on her card. So it wasn't a case of my dd taking the card from your dd. Just wanted to clear that up in case you felt your dd had been wronged or stolen from! But of course she can have it - not worth a fight over'

Duckdeamon · 16/04/2015 05:52

YWBU to let her buy and share scratch cards. I would, however, refuse to return the winning one and would explain to the Mum that it had been gifted to your DD.

CrystalCove · 16/04/2015 05:58

Why did you let them buy it in the first place, it's gambling. Best thing would be to share it now I tnink.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 16/04/2015 06:02

Irrespective of how much money and time I had spent on another child, which seems to be your main beef; if I had allowed children in my care to gamble (which I wouldn't) and my own child won a paltry sum, I would insist they shared the winnings.
YANBU to not have this friend at your house. YABU to try and micromanage your daughter's friendships, she's 9 not 3!

ajandjjmum · 16/04/2015 06:02

Had they bought the cards, I would have said to my DD that it would be kind to split the money, as the card had been a gift from her friend.

Thank goodness it wasn't thousands!

Mrsstarlord · 16/04/2015 06:03

Is it legal to buy scratch cards as a child where you are? You have to be 16 here.
FWIW, I would reply saying that you don't have a scratch card belonging to friend, the friend gave dd the card and Dd won some money. That they sorted it out between them and agreed that as Dd had won the money on a card which was gifted by friend that it belonged to her. However if friends mum felt that the outcome should be different you will give her the money back (I'd actually give it myself and let Dd keep the money but I am a soft touch). And then I would not have the friend again.
YANBU - assuming that the buying of the scratch cards is legal in the first place.

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 06:15

Id tell the mum that the card was a gift from her DD.
And that you are stunned by this as you had paid for her cinema and lunch.
If she still wants the money, tell her to deduct it from the money owed for the treats you gave her DD.
And that you won't be available for future childminding.

I'd don't believe in interfering in children's differences, but this is really nasty of the other child to deliberately lie like that and it makes you and your DD look like shit. Fine to encourage younger kids to share but at 9 they should be past that stage.

MissDuke · 16/04/2015 06:23

I would have split the winnings too (well actually I Wouldn't have allowed the purchase, but now its done, that would be my action). It is too late now, so I would reply to the mum saying her dd gave your dd the scratch cards as a thank you to you both for looking after her, and treating her to the lunch and cinema, but that if her dd has changed her mind and wants it back then that is fine - your dd will do so. I would just take the higher ground here, but not help out again in the future.

TwoOddSocks · 16/04/2015 07:00

She is being very cheeky but she's probably had a different version of the story from her DD. I'd text back something along the lines of what MissDuke suggests although I'm not sure whether I'd insist on my DD returning the scratch card, I'd probably off her to ask my DD if she minds returning it now her friend has changed her mind.

justbatteringon · 16/04/2015 07:11

Please let us know what happens. Smile

shewept · 16/04/2015 07:16

Personally if I was you, firstly I would not have let a 9 year old buy a scratch card. But you did. So if my dd had won and I would have said 'it was very nice of you to give my dd 3 cards. But I think the winnings should be shared, since you bought them and was nice enough to give some to dd as a gift'.

Obviously the girl has gone home and given a different versions of events to her mother. I would call her explain the situation but tell her you will give her the card back.

I think yabu to allow her buy it in the first place and to not step in when they fell out over it. You can't have expected this girl to be happy that she spent her money and dd keeps all the money.

shewept · 16/04/2015 07:17

Oh and I also wouldn't have her back again.

Whocansay · 16/04/2015 07:20

I'd explain to the mother what happened. If she insists on having it back I would give it back. Either way, I would never have the child over again. The child's a little madam and the mother is a user.

pinningwobble · 16/04/2015 07:28

I probably would have made them split the money tbh.

I don't think yabu unreasonable in not wanting her back though, doesn't seem like her mum is particularly grateful!

Original poster
thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 07:30

Yes, in retrospect buying the scratch card was a really silly thing to do! I don't ever buy the things and obviously didn't think this through! I'm thinking over what to do and will let you know what I decide and any outcomes. I do usually avoid confrontations at all costs, which I know is not necessarily great, but it's a hard habit to break!

OP posts:
Original poster
thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 07:32

And I am feeling a bit used by this mum, but this is I know really a seperate issue, just feeling like a doormat. Trouble is class at school is v small so I don't want to creat bad feelings it's a small communit and word gets round!

OP posts:
GooseEnthusiast · 16/04/2015 07:39

I can't get over the fact that you bought scratch cards for a 9 year old. The reason there are age restrictions on gambling products is to protect children from it - children are incapable of completely understanding the concept of gambling. She obviously doesn't, as she is unable to come to terms with the fact that she has lost her money now. Gambling can have serious consequences and normalising it to children is irresponsible and stupid.

Original poster
thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 07:42

Well yes, I'm not into gambling personally but she had previous scratch cards with her that she was cashing in, so obviously something she does regularly. I'm a soft touch and was trying to keep her happy to prevent any drama. I'm not good at disciplining other people's children. Clearly something I need to work on!

OP posts:
lampshady · 16/04/2015 07:47

For what it's worth, I don't think the mum is using you. I think she's under difficult circumstances and her dd has lied to her. I'd give the $7 with an explanation and chalk it up. Take them somewhere free next time or leave them to their own devices. I feel a bit sorry for the other mum.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/04/2015 07:52

Yabu for letting them buy scratch cards. I think your daughter should split the winnings as her friend split her scratch cards.

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