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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling p'd off with my dd's friends mum

116 replies

thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 05:15

My dd is 9 years old she has a friend who tbh is a bit difficult. Whenever the friend comes over they often end up having an argument and the friend is often naughty and difficult to control. Recently I've not been initiating contact between them outside of school and discouraging dd if she asks. However her friends mum is a single mum who works full time and she'll text me asking if I can have her daughter on a day during the holidays. I know she struggles so I will say yes unless there's a genuine reason why not.

I've just had her daughter for the day, I took them out lunch and cinema. I thought if I kept them both occupied it would help the day go faster. I paid I don't mind I've done it before the mum knows. I had to tell her to sit still she wanted to climb over and under the seats!

So she has $6 to spend with her. She tells my dd that she wants to buy some scratch cards and give her half of them. I think ok that's nice, we do that and get home she gives my dd 3 cards. My dd wins $7 on her cards she wins nothing. Ok a bit later that day I hear an argument taking place, dd's friend want her to give the winning scratch card back and it's getting pretty heated. I decide to let the dirt it out between them and my dd keeps the card. Fair enough I think her friend did say it was for her.

Dd's friend goes home and later on the evening I get a text from mum saying that she believes I have a scratch card belonging to her dd and can I keep it safe for her dd. I speak to my dd, she is adamantly opposed to returning the card. I do feel peeved with the mum as I feel it's quite petty I've had her dd all day spent money on her etc. what shall I do force dd to give up scratch card? Say I've lost card and give $7 on top of everything else I've spent on dds friend? Or just say no? I'm in a mind to refuse any future requests, as I'm feeling fed up, AIBU?

OP posts:

Fleecyleesy · 16/04/2015 11:41

With the amount of scratch cards the other girl/her mum buy, they can afford childcare without using you.

What I would do is to give them the scratch card and tell your dd that some people can be difficult and it's best not to get involved with them or argue with them. I would then refuse all further requests for babysitting.

I'm surprised that the mother has asked for the scratch card. Even if she does believe her dd has been wronged, she has just taken a day's free childcare and entertainment and therefore should have told her dd to drop it rather than bother the op who has done her a massive favour.

steppemum · 16/04/2015 11:43

I'd reply 'yes sure I will make sure she gets it - just to let you know your dd (kindly) gave my dd money to buy scratch cards and it was my dd who won the £7 on her card. So it wasn't a case of my dd taking the card from your dd. Just wanted to clear that up in case you felt your dd had been wronged or stolen from! But of course she can have it - not worth a fight over'

this

but to be honest, next time she asks, I would say that it is really quite hard work having the 2 of them as they tend to need entertaining otherwise they squabble, and you can't do it.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 12:01

I think the winnings should be split

Do explain that after you had taken the girls to the cinema, her DD gave your DD the money to buy herself three tickets. Your DD bought the winning ticket but is happy to give half of the winnings to friend as a kind gesture.

DeeWe · 16/04/2015 12:02

I think my position would be:

I wouldn't have let them get them in the first place, or certainly not more than one each-they must have doen with you actually getting them as there's a 16yo limit isn't there? I'd have said not to on that basis.
I would have a suspicion that her giving the cards to your dd may well have been a "you can scratch them" not "the prize is yours". Understandable mistake for your dd, but the mum probably does the same thing "you can have these to do" with no thought that she would keep the prize.
I would have intervened at the arguement and either told them to split it. or suggested they went and did/got something together with the money. I don't think that was an arguement that should have been left-would you have intervened if the other girl had won it?
The mum has almost certainly been told some version of "she took my scratchcard and won't give it back".

It may not have even been as obvious as that. "I had a scratchcard and won 7" "Ooh lets go and cash it" "I left it at their house".

The message the mum sent didn't say "your dd has stolen it" she sounds more like she's assuming you took it to keep it safe.

I'm not sure about feeling indignant because you spent money on her though. Because her dm didn't ask you to take them to the cinema and lunch. You chose to do that. Now I totally understand your reasoning, and I'd do the same. but I would look on it from my side that I was doing it to make it easier for me, and I'm happy to spend a bit of money to get an easy life.
I think I'd feel from that side if I wasn't happy to spend the money or have hassle from the girl then I'd be busy when asked.

I would offer if it was my dc you'd taken out, but I wouldn't feel put out if the other mum hadn't. Probably depends on how you did it: "Oh if she comes I'll take them to the cinema" when she asks, then I'd think she should really offer then. Presenting it as a done deal could put her in an awkward position if she doesn't have the money to spare.

nocabbageinmyeye · 16/04/2015 12:15

I would reply "Hi x, I don't actually have the card, x gifted it to dd so she has it. I am a bit surprised she is being asked for her gift back but if that is what you would like I will ask dd if she would like to return it and leave the decision with her, it is not mine to return, I'm sure you understand. Best explain to your dd not to give gifts in future that she may want back though, save any hassle. I'll give you a shout in a bit" Then I would leave it, chat to your dd and send either "DD has decided it's not worth fighting over" or "DD has said she would like to keep the gift"

Original poster

thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 12:29

Well, I've offered to give the card back and told dd this. Dd had never done any scratch cards before and seemed v taken with it, but I do actually deeply regret buying them. I've told dd they are a huge con, although I suppose at least the money goes to charity, and we will never do them again. she wasn't happy but she knows now. Friends mum seemed happy, what a surprise! And asked me if I would have her dd over tomorrow!?!! No!!!

OP posts:

TwinkleThis · 16/04/2015 12:31

In what world is it okay to buy scratch cards for kids.

I don't actually disagree with this statement but do wonder if all the commenters saying how wrong it ischildren gambling, etcallow their children to play the tombola at the school fair.

The laws are different, but it's still gambling.

Stealthpolarbear · 16/04/2015 12:36

assume you said no!
off topic but when did everyone start saying gifted instead of gave?

momtothree · 16/04/2015 12:45

How did she take the no? Did u explain the gift?

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 16/04/2015 12:46

Agree with mumoftwo.

Also the option to give other child their $6 back and your child keep the $1 profit (although hardly worth the hassle).

Would probably be inclined to say "oh sorry - I thought they'd split the tickets and agreed DD should keep the winnings, but happy to split the winnings/give your DD her $6 back/take all of the winnings from DD and give to your DD - whatever you think is fairest. Good they learn this lesson over $7 rather than $7m eh?"

AyeAmarok · 16/04/2015 12:53

I'd go with "Hi X, D was told friend had bought it for her as a present/thank you for a lovely day, sorry if she misunderstood. Anyway, it's not worth fighting over so you can have it back."

Then distance yourself. Neither of them sounds great.

AyeAmarok · 16/04/2015 12:55

Oh X-posted. Yes definitely don't have her tomorrow, cheeky cow!

Fleecyleesy · 16/04/2015 12:59

WTAF???!!!
She asked you to have the girl tomorrow
Make sure you have a stack of excuses ready for next time. The woman is one of life's users and unfortunately she's bringing up her dd in the same manner.

Fudgeface123 · 16/04/2015 13:03

Tell her no, you are short of money after taking her DD out yesterday and can't afford to keep doing it

OVienna · 16/04/2015 13:06

Cheeky mare. I really hope you aren't having her over again.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 13:51

Did you tell the mum that friend had given dd card?

Debinaround · 16/04/2015 14:01

She's having a laugh isn't she?

Tell her to piss off.

Favouritethings · 16/04/2015 14:18

Exactly what missduke says

Moomintroll85 · 16/04/2015 14:24

Can't believe she's had the cheek to ask you to take her dd again, what a nightmare.

I would question this woman's parenting if she lets her dd regularly use scratchcards. What a bad example to set - a horrible thing to introduce a kid to and potentially have her develop a gambling problem when she's older.

While you can't stop them being friends I would avoid having her dd over again if possible. I guess you would either have to make up excuses (regularly it seems!), just avoid talking to her or be straight and say you find it too difficult to manage her unruly dd

I hate confrontation so I really feel for you op, but this mum sounds pretty unreasonable and selfish to me!

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 16/04/2015 14:28

See this as a line drawn now.

Refuse all babysitting from now on as your dd obviously has moved on from this friend and encourage widen her friendship circle.

She's 9 now so she needs to branch out by herself.

It's probAbly been a blessing in disguise really as you can all move on.

Heels99 · 16/04/2015 14:29

She has burnt her bridges, don't have her dd again, well done for saying no it sounds like a day that was very hard work!

CrapBag · 16/04/2015 14:39

Wow what a cheek she has.

Did you explain about her dd giving yours 3 scratch cards? Your dd won fair and square. I don't think I would have made her give it back. Would you if she had won 1000's (out of interest)?

Floggingmolly · 16/04/2015 14:39

Oh ffs, will you just drop he pair of them . She's not just a chancer, but a chancer who's happy to not even attempt to be subtle about it.
Don't tell her you're sorry you can't help her out again. Tell her to fuck off.

Variousrandomthings · 16/04/2015 14:41

I bet you didn't explain about the girl giving your dd the scratch card.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2015 14:56

Well done op, you did the right thing, you gave them back to the mother, and said no to her freeloading for more childcare, cheeky mare.

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