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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling p'd off with my dd's friends mum

116 replies

thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 05:15

My dd is 9 years old she has a friend who tbh is a bit difficult. Whenever the friend comes over they often end up having an argument and the friend is often naughty and difficult to control. Recently I've not been initiating contact between them outside of school and discouraging dd if she asks. However her friends mum is a single mum who works full time and she'll text me asking if I can have her daughter on a day during the holidays. I know she struggles so I will say yes unless there's a genuine reason why not.

I've just had her daughter for the day, I took them out lunch and cinema. I thought if I kept them both occupied it would help the day go faster. I paid I don't mind I've done it before the mum knows. I had to tell her to sit still she wanted to climb over and under the seats!

So she has $6 to spend with her. She tells my dd that she wants to buy some scratch cards and give her half of them. I think ok that's nice, we do that and get home she gives my dd 3 cards. My dd wins $7 on her cards she wins nothing. Ok a bit later that day I hear an argument taking place, dd's friend want her to give the winning scratch card back and it's getting pretty heated. I decide to let the dirt it out between them and my dd keeps the card. Fair enough I think her friend did say it was for her.

Dd's friend goes home and later on the evening I get a text from mum saying that she believes I have a scratch card belonging to her dd and can I keep it safe for her dd. I speak to my dd, she is adamantly opposed to returning the card. I do feel peeved with the mum as I feel it's quite petty I've had her dd all day spent money on her etc. what shall I do force dd to give up scratch card? Say I've lost card and give $7 on top of everything else I've spent on dds friend? Or just say no? I'm in a mind to refuse any future requests, as I'm feeling fed up, AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2015 07:53

You know you were unreasonable buying the card. I would give it to the mum, and never look after her dd again, after all you have said you feel used, tbh, she is using you for free childcare.

usualsuspect333 · 16/04/2015 07:54

The fairest thing to have done would have been to split the winnings.

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 07:55

Sounds like it is an excellent lesson to learn the consequences of gambling! She lost and she saw her friend win. If we are getting into morality re gambling etc then giving her half the winnings would be the worst possible example to set as it enforces the expectation that you can gamble and lose but still get something money!
I would be most annoyed that the mother has presumed your DD had effectively stolen the card and not bothered to talk to you or send a more general text to find out the full story

peggyundercrackers · 16/04/2015 07:57

I would give her the scratch cards but avoid from now on. I would also explain to your DD how people can be manipulative when they don't get their own way and suggest your DD finds a better friend.

Hidingmyidentity · 16/04/2015 08:00

Not worth falling out over such a small amount. Give her the scratch card, explain what really happened & then never look after her child again.

keepsmiling2015 · 16/04/2015 08:04

I would say. You're mistaken. Your ds bought my dd a scratch card and she won 7$. There's already been an argument between them here and they both agreed that my dd will keep her winning card.

keepsmiling2015 · 16/04/2015 08:04

Or just give her the money and stay well clear of them.

CrystalCove · 16/04/2015 08:08

You say dollars so I addume you are in America, are the laws different? I know you bought them but I'm confused by you saying she had more on her she was cashing in?

momtothree · 16/04/2015 08:09

Would be upset that my DD was unhappy with this Friend u are having her out of your own guilt rather than whats best for DD start making excuses not to have her for a day. She will lose more than $7 in childcare!!! Save u a fortune and stress. Give the mom an account of what happened and leave it open for her to decide if she still wants it back, then u will know !!!?

icelollycraving · 16/04/2015 08:10

Scratch cards for children is a ridiculously bad idea. Shock
I would tell the mum that it was given to your dd but that to save a row you will be returning it. She may not know the truth after all. I would also suggest a holiday club to her.

MarwoodsMate · 16/04/2015 08:11

Agree with hiding. Give it back (or give her the money) and don't look after her again.

It probably was a bit foolish to let them have scratch cards. Maybe you couldn't do anything about the friend having them, but I'm sure you could have prevented your own DD from having them. It's ended in an argument as these things often do! Look at it this way, your DD started with no scratch cards and finishes with no scratch cards. If you start down a path of right and wrong around gambling you are entering a minefield which I as an adult can't really get my head around, let alone a 9 year old! That's why it's best that children don't have access to this sort of thing IMHO.

UncleT · 16/04/2015 08:11

Legal or not, gambling for 9-year-old children is utterly ridiculous.

Original poster
thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 08:17

My dds friend asked me to cash them in for her.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 16/04/2015 08:19

I wouldn't give it back, it was a gift and her child needs to learn that she can't have her own way all the time. Is the other mum aware of how much you spent taking her daughter out to the cinema and lunch? Do she do anything for you for looking after her daughter all the time?

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/04/2015 08:19

I'm also shocked by gambling 9 year olds. I think you should return the money, explain to your DD that sometimes you have to take the moral high ground, but also let the other mum know the full situation, just in case she's got the wrong end of the stick from her daughter. But to be honest since it's illegal for 9 year olds to gamble I don't think either of them has a "right" to keep the money! And even though you clearly dislike your daughter's friend and her mother, you did invite her over for the day without any indication that you expected to be paid for it - so YABU to think that you're owed something now. And I agree that it's unhealthy for you to manage your 9 year old daughter's friendships on the grounds that you don't like her friends or their families (as long as the friends don't actually bully your daughter or commit other heinous acts - which it doesn't sound like this one does).

Fudgeface123 · 16/04/2015 08:20

And there's no point going on about how gambling is ridiculous, OP has acknowledged this

LegoSuperstar · 16/04/2015 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/04/2015 08:27

I also think you'd be doing your daughter more of a favour if you didn't let her keep the money. If you acknowledge that gambling for children is wrong, why give her the encouragement of telling her she has a right to her winnings?

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/04/2015 08:28

(Nb at least in the UK she legally does not have a right to any gambling winnings, since illegal contracts are unenforceable)

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 16/04/2015 08:33

YABU for letting them have scratch cards.

But since it was done, you should have encouraged your DD to share the winnings IMO.

Original poster
thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 08:33

Tbh I find the girl difficult, I've certainly never told my dd not to be friends with her nor would I! The can play together at school etc dd welcome to go over to her if asked. She goes occasionally to her friends house and out either friends mum, but I know that's because she's busy with her work, so that's of course fine.They seem to have a love hate relationship and they do argue a fair bit when she comes over. So I really would rather she doesn't come over for the moment, is this wrong!

OP posts:
MarwoodsMate · 16/04/2015 08:35

Indeed mellowjello. Why encourage your DD into thinking that she has a right to money which she actually has no right to? Wasn't there something a few years ago where an 18 year old won a massive jackpot on a slot machine in Las Vegas but couldn't collect the winnings as the minimum age for gambling in the casino was 21 and over? How annoyed would you be?!

Legally DD has no 'right' to the money (in UK anyway) and she hasn't actually lost anything (she didn't buy the scratch card from her friend).

MarwoodsMate · 16/04/2015 08:39

Re your last post OP, no I don't think you are wrong for not wanting this child to visit at the minute. You know your DD best and it sounds like they don't always have fun when the friend visits. It also sounds like having the friend at your home sounds very inconvenient for you due to her behaviour. It might be that they get on better at school. Children can be very different depending on whether they are at school or at home or someone else's home.

Quitelikely · 16/04/2015 08:40

I would explain what happened between the two girls. I would give the money back and I would be busy the next time she asks to come around.

Some parents feed their children's bad behaviour!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/04/2015 08:43

The dd has undoubtedly gone home and said "Susie's got my scratch card - I won $7." So it isn't really the mum's fault.

To be honest I would treat the other mum as if she is also a decent, fair, intelligent person and say:-

"Ah yes - bit of a nightmare! Julie bought some scratch cards and gave 1 to Susie and typically Susie win! Now both girls are claiming the prize. Not really sure what to do to be honest. Other than vow never to buy scratch cards again of course! Any ideas?"