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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be feeling p'd off with my dd's friends mum

116 replies

thegiantgirl · 16/04/2015 05:15

My dd is 9 years old she has a friend who tbh is a bit difficult. Whenever the friend comes over they often end up having an argument and the friend is often naughty and difficult to control. Recently I've not been initiating contact between them outside of school and discouraging dd if she asks. However her friends mum is a single mum who works full time and she'll text me asking if I can have her daughter on a day during the holidays. I know she struggles so I will say yes unless there's a genuine reason why not.

I've just had her daughter for the day, I took them out lunch and cinema. I thought if I kept them both occupied it would help the day go faster. I paid I don't mind I've done it before the mum knows. I had to tell her to sit still she wanted to climb over and under the seats!

So she has $6 to spend with her. She tells my dd that she wants to buy some scratch cards and give her half of them. I think ok that's nice, we do that and get home she gives my dd 3 cards. My dd wins $7 on her cards she wins nothing. Ok a bit later that day I hear an argument taking place, dd's friend want her to give the winning scratch card back and it's getting pretty heated. I decide to let the dirt it out between them and my dd keeps the card. Fair enough I think her friend did say it was for her.

Dd's friend goes home and later on the evening I get a text from mum saying that she believes I have a scratch card belonging to her dd and can I keep it safe for her dd. I speak to my dd, she is adamantly opposed to returning the card. I do feel peeved with the mum as I feel it's quite petty I've had her dd all day spent money on her etc. what shall I do force dd to give up scratch card? Say I've lost card and give $7 on top of everything else I've spent on dds friend? Or just say no? I'm in a mind to refuse any future requests, as I'm feeling fed up, AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2015 14:58

Op has said no to more childcare in her last post.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2015 16:00

"Sorry if there is confusion. My understanding is that your DD gifted my DD the scratch cards, I assume as I thank you for us treating her to lunch and the cinema, and my DD happened to get the winning one. I was minded to let them sort it out themselves, but if your DD is still unhappy maybe we should suggest that they split the winnings and put it down to experience? Let me know if you have other ideas to sort it!"

I think ^^ THIS ^^ response was spot on!

But well done for saying no to more of her piss taking!

TwinkleThis · 16/04/2015 16:58

What a bad example to set - a horrible thing to introduce a kid to and potentially have her develop a gambling problem when she's older. (Italics mine.)

Sorry, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

momtothree · 16/04/2015 17:23

At least shes lucky .... future sorted!!

AugustaGloop · 16/04/2015 17:28

I would be minded to let her know your DD's side of the story (but still offering to give her the card) just to be very clear who has the moral high ground (she may genuinely think based on what her DD told her that your DD has treated her DD badly).

If the other mum genuinely does not know the story about the scratch card because her DD just said your DD had it, she may be a bit bemused about your refusal to have her DD again. Although of course you have every right to say no anyway and she does sound like she takes advantage even without this incident.

Moomintroll85 · 16/04/2015 17:38

Twinkle I don't really see why you find that hilarious? Normalising and encouraging gambling to kids is a pretty shit thing to do I think.

Gambling of all different kinds can be highly addictive. Not for everyone of course, which is why I said potentially.

If this kid chooses to spend the money she's given for the day out with her friend (or pocket money if that's what it is) on scratchcards Rather than anything else that isn't exactly good news...

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 17:40

Well done for saying no!
And if she pushes just say that after her DDs lies you do not want to look after her.
I wonder when the penny will drop with other mum that she's cocked up big time for not discussing the matter with u first instead if accusing your DD of straling

KatieKaye · 16/04/2015 17:41

Stealing!

Viviennemary · 16/04/2015 17:45

If anything the winnings should be shared by the two gir;s. If this mum insists on all the winnings then tell her to find her own childminder in future. It's cheeky.

patienceisvirtuous · 16/04/2015 18:03

Whoever (upthread) said OP shouldn't be allowed to look after children is a bit OTT.

OP said she regrets buying the scratch cards. That's fair enough.

OP I think you are doing the right thing. Give the money back and distance yourself.

TwinkleThis · 16/04/2015 18:47

Moomintroll, it's precisely because I thoroughly understand addiction of all kinds that I find it hilarious. It's high-level pearl clutching and the statement made me laugh. Sorry.

Did you happen to see the post where I compared the scratch cards to tombola and asked why no one seemed to have an issue with that?

If something is potentially addictive, i believe a good approach is to expose and inform (within certain parameters, obviously--I wouldn't use the 'expose' approach for, say, heroin).

To equate the allowing of scratch cards to Bad Parenting (with NO knowledge of the rest of this child's upbringing) was too amusing for me to ignore.

lookatme14 · 16/04/2015 18:55

YANBU, what a cheeky.....

Moomintroll85 · 16/04/2015 19:15

Twinkle yes you make a good point about the tombola - in theory the same thing of course. I just think it's different in practice because there isn't one of them in practically every shop to tempt people on a daily basis like scratchcards that turns into a habit, and you're not really going to empty your wallet playing a tombola desperately trying to win some crappy prize.

I wasn't saying anything against OP either - I think her using What happened as an opportunity for her dd to learn that scratchcards are bad and a con was a good approach.

I was questioning why for dd's friend scratchcards seem to be a thing she at least has used before and enjoys as that's what she chose to spend her money on - which I don't think is a good thing for a 9 yo. Hardly an extreme view!

Of course I don't have every detail of the kid's upbringing, I was responding to the info OP gave in the post - as that is all any of us can do.

Almostnever · 16/04/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApplePaltrow · 16/04/2015 20:32

Scratch cards for 9 year olds? Ugh, is your DD spending her winnings on cider and fags?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2015 20:41

Twinkle I know a lot about addiction too and disagree with you. Scratch cards are a great example of the intermittent reinforcement system. It is an incredibly powerful way of making animals and people do something. Don't reward every time, don't reward every 6th time (for example); reward randomly. It is directly linked to addiction and it is very forceful in it's effects.

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