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Original poster

Playdates etiquette and other mothers cold shoulder

128 replies

Haboose · 15/04/2015 13:48

DD started nursery last September. Since then she has made a few friends at nursery. She has since been invited to two playdates by her nursery friends, one of which has become really fast friends with her. On the first occasion, I was dropping her off at her friend's house, her friend's mum asked if I wanted to stay for a cup of tea.

I was caught by surprise as I didn't think playdates involved the parent, so hadn't thought of staying and I declined politely. I can only say I barely know the mum and being a more shy introvert person, the thought of being stuck in her house for a whole hour trying to think of something to say was a bit much. My first instinct was to decline. Her face immediately changed and didn't even shut the door nor said goodbye when I was leaving. I felt confused and worried.
The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.
I did make polite conversations and tried to chat and laugh to them.
Subsequently, i was given the cold shoulder treatment by them and most of the time, they turn their faces away when I try to meet their eyes. Once at a party, I stood next to them and they ignored me the whole time pretending not to see me. They are all nice and chummy with other mums, hence it is so puzzling to be treated this way. Was I wrong to decline the cuppa? Did I break some playdate etiquette?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 15/04/2015 13:50

In nursery i think parents do frequently stay and it looks like she was expecting you to stay so was (a) taken aback or (b) pissed off.

Have you had their kids back to yours?

MrsFlannel · 15/04/2015 13:52

It's usual to stay with younger children OP. It's seen as a chance for you to make friends too.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 13:52

I don't know about etiquette but I'd say it's pretty unusual to drop a 3 or 4yr old off at someone's house, when you don't really know them.

When you say they ignored you, did you go up to them and say hello?

rollonthesummer · 15/04/2015 13:54

It's generally considered good form to have a chatter at the door or go in for a cuppa when you drop off to a house you don't know.

You say you don't know them well-that would have been a good opportunity to get to know them. What did you say when you declined? Oh, I'm so sorry I'm in a real hurry but would love to next time, thank you so much!' is very different to 'no'.

DancingDays · 15/04/2015 13:54

I would expect nursery aged children to be accompanied unless I was very good friends with the parents and the child knew me well.

likewise I would be uncomfortable if a parent didn't want me to stay with that age child.

If someone dropped at the door after a quick chat I would think she was using it as a childcare while she had planned something to do.

Hullygully · 15/04/2015 13:55

They think you're an unfriendly old miseryguts...

You need to make amends

queenofthepirates · 15/04/2015 13:57

I think you've fractured one of the unwritten rules of playdates. She was probably looking forward to some grown up conversation but instead you dropped and ran! I'd just go in and be frank and tell her you didn't realise you'd made a faux pas and would she and kid like to come over?

GertrudeBell · 15/04/2015 13:57

I would have been like this -> Shock ShockShock

If you'd dropped a 3-4 year old off for me to look after. They still need a huge amount of supervision at that age. I would have assumed that you were completely taking the piss.

Breadrocks · 15/04/2015 13:58

If someone invited me and my dc round for a 'playdate' at that age, I would assume I was staying too, unless specifically told otherwise. I think there's prob been a miscommunication, and unfortunately you now look like someone who has used the other two mums for free childcare. I totally understand that this wasn't your intention, but it sounds like they think it was.

Sorry that's the only explanation I can think of from your op.

Have you thought about inviting them round to yours for a play date? Then you can make it clear you're happy to watch their dc for an hour or two and they might realise you just have different definitions of a play date? x

Breadrocks · 15/04/2015 13:59

Oops accidental kiss there! Must have gotten confused and thought I was on Facebook!

keepsmiling2015 · 15/04/2015 13:59

At their age it would be expected for you to stay.

Did you say hello to them at the party?

reni1 · 15/04/2015 14:00

Be open and say you had no idea parents usually stay for playdates this young, this being your first.

DamnBamboo · 15/04/2015 14:00

I would generally expect or be expecting another parent to stay for play dates for children that young.

You won't get to know people of you don't bother to engage!

3littlefrogs · 15/04/2015 14:01

At that age, if you decline to stay, it is really more like using the other mum for free childcare rather than being sociable and making friends.
I wouldn't want to be left with someone else's 3 year old unless I know them very well and had offered to look after them while the mum had to do/go somewhere else.

TheEggityOddity · 15/04/2015 14:01

How do you get to know someone without staying for a cuppa and a chat?! Yes, you are an introvert but sometimes you have to just be in discomfort and politely drink a cup of tea. I am an extrovert but living in another country and routinely have to have conversations with mums when I have very little language and find it all quite stressful. At this age it isn't your child going to another house to play alone, it is a chance for you to make friends and connections with other mums. They probably wanted to get to know you and now feel a bit used honestly. I probably would have been a offended and surprised if you had dropped off your child as if I was a babysitting service.

You have definitely broken rules of etiquette and if I were you, I'd be openly apologising to them for not knowing and asking if they fancied coming round for a cuppa (maybe both together so you don't have to talk too much?) at yours to build some bridges. I would be honest that you are a bit of an introvert but have talked to friends and realised your behaviour may have seemed a bit strange. I'm sure that will clear the air and is probably worth it in the long run if you want less awkwardness at pick up time!

Sorry, we all make mistakes sometimes but better to know about it, acknowledge it with them and start afresh!

FloraPost · 15/04/2015 14:04

So the DC are, what, 3yo? Presumably the other mothers don't know your DC very well? I'd be mighty pissed off if I was suddenly expected to look after an unfamiliar 3yo while the parent swanned off. Plus I often bake or lay in nice snacks for playdates. Do the other mothers have other (younger) DC of their own to look after too? School age would be fine but not nursery age. You were very rude.

Buttwing · 15/04/2015 14:05

I would have expected you to have stayed. You would hate the idea of going in for a coffee and a chat because you barely know the woman?
But it's ok to drop your child off with someone you don't know and expect her to look after them? Sorry but it's really bad form I would have thought you were taking the p big time!

PickleSarnie · 15/04/2015 14:05

I would be gobsmacked and think you were really weird tbh.

The whole point of "playdates" at that age are to speak to other non-small people. Perhaps string entire sentences together. And eat biscuits.

They're certainly not an excuse for free childcare from someone you barely know.

tomatodizzymum · 15/04/2015 14:05

I'm another one that thinks unless you know the parent well or you are specifically told you don't need to stay (my son was taken home for a playdate at nursery and mum said not to worry and go and have some me time) It's generally not the done thing to drop and leave children at that age. Do you have older children? We often forget or get slacker with subsequent children.

TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 15/04/2015 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 15/04/2015 14:07

Unfortunately you came across to them as very unfriendly at the beginning of your relationship with them and they probably don't see any need to be friendly to you now. I don't think you can complain about that to be honest.

I know that sounds harsh, but that is basically the crux of the matter.

I think you need to know for the future that play dates before school age, and possibly beyond, do not mean dropping your child off and running. It generally means that the children run amuck while the parents drink tea. Together.

fluffymouse · 15/04/2015 14:08

I have a 4 year old and have never left her alone for a play date. As others said they still require lots of supervision, and I wouldn't expect another parent who I barely knew to provide that. I'm also surprised you were happy to leave you 3/4 year old alone at the house of someone you barely know.

You say you are introverted, but the only way to overcome that and to make friends is to make an effort and try to socialise. A cup of tea is a good way to start.

Griphook · 15/04/2015 14:08

Have you asked them back to yours for a play date?

While you where standing next to the mums did you say hello To them or just wait to be spoken too, if so maybe they think you are ignoring them which tbh you were kind off

WhoNickedMyName · 15/04/2015 14:10

Oh dear, you fucked up there. I'd be gobsmacked if someone dropped a nursery age child off for a playdate and buggered off... Not so much a playdate, more using her as a few hours free childcare.

I would return the invite and be really honest with the mum, "look I'm really sorry I didn't stay, I've never done this kind of thing before, I didn't know what was expected, and to be honest I'm a bit shy so I panicked when you asked me in for a cuppa".

PurpleSwift · 15/04/2015 14:11

You probably came across as rude and unfriendly and it's common for parents to stay when kids are at nursery age. Saying that, I also suffer from social anxiety and the thought of attempting small talk with a stranger fills me with utter dread, but push through it next time and says yes to a 'quick one', even if it's just 10 minutes and then say you have somewhere to be if you're struggling.

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