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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Playdates etiquette and other mothers cold shoulder

128 replies

Haboose · 15/04/2015 13:48

DD started nursery last September. Since then she has made a few friends at nursery. She has since been invited to two playdates by her nursery friends, one of which has become really fast friends with her. On the first occasion, I was dropping her off at her friend's house, her friend's mum asked if I wanted to stay for a cup of tea.

I was caught by surprise as I didn't think playdates involved the parent, so hadn't thought of staying and I declined politely. I can only say I barely know the mum and being a more shy introvert person, the thought of being stuck in her house for a whole hour trying to think of something to say was a bit much. My first instinct was to decline. Her face immediately changed and didn't even shut the door nor said goodbye when I was leaving. I felt confused and worried.
The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.
I did make polite conversations and tried to chat and laugh to them.
Subsequently, i was given the cold shoulder treatment by them and most of the time, they turn their faces away when I try to meet their eyes. Once at a party, I stood next to them and they ignored me the whole time pretending not to see me. They are all nice and chummy with other mums, hence it is so puzzling to be treated this way. Was I wrong to decline the cuppa? Did I break some playdate etiquette?

OP posts:

00100001 · 15/04/2015 14:50

yes - invite back, with an apology about the declined invite, saying something like "I'm so sorry, you caught me off guard, and I was popping to Tesco. I would have loved to stay, don't know what came over me. Tell you what, both come over mine this week?"

Favouritethings · 15/04/2015 14:55

I'm very easy going and it certainly wouldn't offend me if a mum didn't stay for a cuppa when their child came over for a play date. But clearly it would bother other mums. Don't sweat the small stuff though. You know for next time. I think they were rude to blank you at the party.

TheEggityOddity · 15/04/2015 14:55

Anyone else a bit about two play date invitations in nursery? Mine started in September and not a single mum has invited me round. Saying that, I haven't been arsed to offer either! At least it means your DD must be a popular, social little creature!

Original poster

Haboose · 15/04/2015 14:58

In my defence, I guess I felt no more different than leaving her at a childcare where the carers aren't whom I know on a personal basis. At least i thought the mum was someone I saw daily during drop off and had said a few words to? She can go to the toilet on her own and feed herself, I feel there isn't a great deal that you need to fuss over her otherwise... guess it isn't the consensus here...

But I emphasised that I wasn't using them at all for convenient childcare. I just took it at face value - a playdate for my child to play with her friend...

In all honesty, I had thought they asked me for a cuppa only out of politeness and that the real reason was because their child wanted to play with my DD. For me, I would have been happy having someone to play with my DD. They had did asked prior to playdate what DD would like to eat for lunch but they didn't ask me if I wanted lunch on both occasions. So I just assumed that it wasn't such a big deal not staying.

Geez, I didn't think people here would judge someone so harshly for declining a cuppa on a playdate. I live in London where it is very multicultural here. There are lots of people from all over the world. Can it be that everyone is so clued up unlike me over playdates?

I guess I made a HUGE cultural faux pas without quite realising it. Thanks for enlightening me.

OP posts:

Wadingthroughsoup · 15/04/2015 15:03

OP, I think some of the 'pearl-clutching' on this thread is out of proportion. Personally, I wouldn't have thought you odd or rude or some of the other criticisms posted here. I might have thought: 'oh! That's not what I was expecting', but beyond that, I wouldn't have got overexcited about it.

Seriously, don't lose sleep over it.

deadduck · 15/04/2015 15:04

Going against the grain, I'd not have stayed, and I wouldn't have been too chuffed if you had stayed at mine's with my 4 year olds. I don't see it as free childcare, as long as you offer to reciprocate.But I am a little socially shy too.

Just to add that for me, this is a hypothetical scenario: We dodged this problem with our first as my DH was a SAHD, and somehow entertaining a man was never an option for the other mums . With our second, playdates only happened on weekends, and we were lucky that she found friends with like-minded parents.

TheEggityOddity · 15/04/2015 15:05

It's really not that big of a cultural faux pas, it's just you come across as unfriendly! I know at three years they don't need much help, but for example they do still need their bum wiping or their nose blowing and this is different to paid child care isn't it because they're not getting paid! You're right that the main point it to have a little friend for Jonny but at the same time they are trying to build a network of other mums who they can rely on, share experiences with, build a community with. I am in same situation as you, in another country where I don't know what the play date 'rules' are, but as with everything else, if you don't know, just ask! They know you are not from the UK, you can get away with asking all sorts of weird and wonderful questions as well as displaying all sorts of wacky behaviours. Use it to your advantage! Use it to clear up the misunderstanding and make a joke of it! ;-)

Almostapril · 15/04/2015 15:07

I really wouldn't worry too much - offer back and see what happens.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/04/2015 15:10

It wasn't really child care though with qualified adults was it?

If you arranged the play date in a busy park would you just drop and leave too?

If you don't want to make amends maybe you should try acting as if you actually give a shit at where you are leaving your kids or who is looking after them?

frankbough · 15/04/2015 15:14

I think it's changed a little bit, my eldest is 18, and kids were dropped off and the parents left and then either picked them up or, we took them home..
It seems it's now a game of letz be friends.. I don't understand why because the kids are friends the parents have to be too... All too political for me..

KoalaDownUnder · 15/04/2015 15:31

^Joyfulldeathsquad*, not sure why you're being so rude and aggressive.

The OP didn't dump her child with a complete stranger, for goodness' sake - there are some real overreactions on this thread!

I think the other mothers are pathetic if they are actually blanking you over this, OP. Just explain that you didn't know the social conventions, and were actually trying not to intrude on them.

As an aside, I hate the new term 'playdate', and I reckon it's probably half the problem. It makes it sound as if it's a 'date' just for the kids to be together. 'Why don't you bring Mary round for a play?' includes the parent in the invitation more, IMO.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/04/2015 15:37

koala I responded to op sympathetically in my first response but after her last post she does seem to think it was child care as that's what she likened it too. She did not know either parent. So yes they were strangers.

I don't think my post was rude or agressive. I can see why the other mothers thought it was a bit strange if this is the vibe op is giving off.

Number3cometome · 15/04/2015 15:46

Just call up and apologise!

I suspect what they thought is that you are standoffish - I only say this because I know people have said this about me, the truth is I just get really shy! I have learned to try and be as chatty as possible, and actually my OH has really helped me with this - he is naturally a talker, and when I bring him along to DC's friends' parties etc he chats away.

Perhaps you are like me, where confidence is not your strong point, but once you get going you can make some real friends?

pinningwobble · 15/04/2015 15:51

Hope you're ok OP, think many have been over harsh. It's not your fault. They shouldn't have been rude to you either way.

WipsGlitter · 15/04/2015 15:51

Also you've not said if you reciprocated!!

MargotLovedTom · 15/04/2015 16:07

I agree there's a load of over reacting going on here, you'd think OP had dumped her child and flown off to Tenerife for a week. If the other woman was that unhappy about OP leaving she could have said "Er, I'm not sure about you leaving her here, I think it might be best if you stayed," couldn't she?

If they are blanking you because of this, then I find that really petty.

BrieAndChilli · 15/04/2015 16:15

I only leave 3/4 year old children when I know the family really well. I would never have left ds1 at someone's house at that age but ds2 us now 4 and there are several friends who have him for a play and I have theirs over another time. I've known them for year and ds2 has known them since he was born. I wouldn't leave him somewhere I've never been before.

BloggersNetwork · 15/04/2015 16:19

OP you might have come across as cheeky, yes, but honestly, I think it's the other 2 mums who need to get a grip if they're blanking you over this. Pathetic.

DamnBamboo · 15/04/2015 19:03

Look OP!
You made a bit of a social faux pas, but you weren't to know.
If I was one of those mothers, firstly I would not have reacted like that, although I would have been a little surprised.

And if you now said 'We'd love to return the play date. I'm free on and would love you to stay for coffee/cake/lunch so please let me k know when suits. Looking forward to a chat'

Enough said and move on.

Although, can I ask, when you collected did you stay and make small talk, or was it again a quick handover?

timelyreminder · 15/04/2015 19:12

I would return the invite and be really honest with the mum, "look I'm really sorry I didn't stay, I've never done this kind of thing before, I didn't know what was expected, and to be honest I'm a bit shy so I panicked when you asked me in for a cuppa".

Seconding the above. It's really good advice

If they are still off with you after that then at least you've done your best to resolve things.

Original poster

Haboose · 15/04/2015 20:43

When I posted this question, I didn't expect so much savaging and lack of understanding by other mums. I am taken aback by the reaction. I didn't think it is such a big deal leaving my child to go on a playdate.

My daughter didn't just turn 3. She was 4 and some kids go to Reception by this age!! So why is there a different protocol for school Nursery kids and Reception year kids? Many mums have their friends kids after school for playdates.

Joyfulldeathsquad You are very quick to judge and condemn someone who doesn't fit your mould. I don't think I left my child to the other mum for cheap childcare in anyway shape or form. The playdate was only for ONE AND A HALF hour at most. No, I wouldn't have left my child with the other mum if the playdate was in a park because I know that she can't be held responsible in a PUBLIC place for my child! For the fact that there are other people around and my child may wander off. But the big difference is, my child was on a playdate with her friend in their HOME - which I don't expect total strangers hanging out or her to go missing.

Before which, I had made sure that she had already done her once a day poo business so there was no need her to poo, hence for the other mum to wipe her bottom. That said, she already knew how to wipe her own bottom. So I didn't think she was going to need any more than a little wee.

BESIDES , the whole point is she was there to play with her friend. In my mind, I felt I wasn't putting my daughter there for them to really care for her for a long time e.g. daycare where the carers were there to educate/ care for , put her to sleep, feed her???? Okay she had lunch there, but she didn't need anyone to spoon feed her.

Given all the mums savaging me, I asked myself why I was so unsure of staying in the first place. Well, upon reflection, the original invitation to me by one mum states that "Would my DD like to come over to play".

THE POINT IS SHE DIDN'T FIRST ASK "Would you(my name) and DD like to come over to our house so DD can play with her DD". I felt that when she did casually asked me in for tea later at her doorstep, I then interpreted that as she did it purely out of POLITENESS. Similarly, the other mum also said "Would my DD like to play with her DS and have lunch there".

If they wanted me to go, why didn't they include me in the invite first? So in my mind, I felt that they weren't actually that keen for my company in the first place.

I have friends who asked if both me and my DD would like to come to their house and I would have felt more comfortable thinking they actually wanted me there too.

For those who react badly:
I don't think I knew them well more than seeing them almost everyday dropping my daughter off at the state school nursery (not a daycare). But total strangers...NO! I guess I thought they live locally... have kids in the same class as my daughter... they have my mobile...I have theirs..so why is it so offensive to be leaving her with them for 1-2 hours for a play with their kid, since they had so asked?? Why hasn't anyone said it is also offensive to leave your kid at a birthday party at the same age?

So many times does one have to go along before it isn't offensive to leave your child with them when they asked for your child's company to play? Why would subsequent playdates not be deemed as cheap childcare by other mothers if you did leave them?

And NO, I didn't do a quick handover. I chatted with them before and after the playdate and I also walked their children with my own DD to school after the playdate.

I haven't asked their child over yet purely because of their cold treatment to me after that. I was totally puzzled and unhappy.

OP posts:

TenerifeSea · 15/04/2015 20:46

Don't worry about it, you didn't know! Invite the child over and if you feel brave, tell her that you didn't realise it was playdate etiquette. We're all different and variety is the spice of life. :)

TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 15/04/2015 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnBamboo · 15/04/2015 20:48

You second guessed her invitation for tea as politeness?
So what if it was?

Decent social graces would suggest you would pop in for a quick cuppa, if you genuinely had the time.

You didn't do this!

You clearly struggle on the social front, no problem. But others aren't weird for thinking your behaviour is odd, because generally speaking under these circumstances... it is!

DamnBamboo · 15/04/2015 20:49

I was totally puzzled and unhappy

As I imagine to some extent, were they!

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