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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Playdates etiquette and other mothers cold shoulder

128 replies

Haboose · 15/04/2015 13:48

DD started nursery last September. Since then she has made a few friends at nursery. She has since been invited to two playdates by her nursery friends, one of which has become really fast friends with her. On the first occasion, I was dropping her off at her friend's house, her friend's mum asked if I wanted to stay for a cup of tea.

I was caught by surprise as I didn't think playdates involved the parent, so hadn't thought of staying and I declined politely. I can only say I barely know the mum and being a more shy introvert person, the thought of being stuck in her house for a whole hour trying to think of something to say was a bit much. My first instinct was to decline. Her face immediately changed and didn't even shut the door nor said goodbye when I was leaving. I felt confused and worried.
The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.
I did make polite conversations and tried to chat and laugh to them.
Subsequently, i was given the cold shoulder treatment by them and most of the time, they turn their faces away when I try to meet their eyes. Once at a party, I stood next to them and they ignored me the whole time pretending not to see me. They are all nice and chummy with other mums, hence it is so puzzling to be treated this way. Was I wrong to decline the cuppa? Did I break some playdate etiquette?

OP posts:

maliaki · 15/04/2015 22:10

I'm not a parent so wouldn't have thought I'd be needed to stay either but I'd have gone in for tea just to be friendly.

Your best bet is reciprocate the play date and ask them if they want tea when they arrive, maybe something like 'sorry I had to run off last time, would you like to come in for a tea? '

funkyfoam · 15/04/2015 22:19

When mine were little there were no free hours at nursery consequently parents could only afford to send them for a very few hours a week Mine spent the whole of their pre school year going on their own to friends houses and having friends to our house. We were all so glad of the break we just had a cup of tea and a chat when we picked up. I don't think it is wrong that you thought your four year old would be staying on her own. After all they had asked what she would like for lunch. Your mistake is in not appearing friendly in accepting the cup of tea. I would offer to have the children to your home and invite the parents in(and hope they don't stay too long!)

PrimalLass · 15/04/2015 22:44

Perfectly normal here (naice mc village ) to drop off for playdates and parties from age 3.

waithorse · 15/04/2015 22:45

Only read the op at the moment. In all honesty I can't imagine for a second leaving my pre school child with someone I don't know well enough to have a drink with.

pinningwobble · 15/04/2015 22:47

waithorse RTFT. OP has had a flaming already. Totally unnecessarily.

namechange2015 · 15/04/2015 22:47

I would never have left my pre schooler with someone I don't know but I am extremely introverted & completely understand the knee jerk 'no' reaction whenever I'm invited to something. I've had to learn to stop at that point and actually think it through without panicking. One thing I did was always invite 2 or 3 mums over at once so it wasn't just one to one. However it didn't always happen when I was invited in so got pushed massively out of my comfort zone & feeling horrendously tired afterwards from all the talking but oddly proud of myself too. Ultimately unless they are very judgemental people they will accept you for who you are, being an introvert does not make you inferior despite what society says

my2centsis · 15/04/2015 22:57

Sorry I 100% agree with the others. Unfortunately it was your own doing. Now it's up to you to fix it. Good luck

waithorse · 15/04/2015 23:00

Pinging, I don't feel my comments were unnecessary at all. I have now RTFT. I agree the op has had a harsh flaming. However I stand by my original comments. I honestly wouldn't leave a pre school child with someone I hadn't sat down an had a conversation with. Maybe that's me being overprotective, however I don't feel I deserve your response.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2015 23:00

I am going against the grain and say YANBU at all, if the mothers expected you to stay, they should have asked you when organising it, op is not amine reader. They are being quite shitty towards you. Op has said she is quite introverted, give her break.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 15/04/2015 23:11

I would always stay for a cup of tea and a chat when they were at nursery age otherwise they are essentially babysitting for you.

No wonder they are both pissed off with you.
You clearly have no interest in them so they have no interest in you.

deadduck · 15/04/2015 23:12

I hadn't realised earlier that you are from a different country. I am too, maybe that explains our similar approach and why I don't think what you've done is weird at all. I am quite shocked reading so many "you made a terrible faux pas" replies.
It's not a big deal. If these mothers now snub you, they are arses.

PrimalLass · 15/04/2015 23:31

they are essentially babysitting for you. No wonder they are both pissed off with you

Nonsense. They asked the child for a playdate, not the mother. Or at least they didn't make it clear.

LondonRocks · 15/04/2015 23:41

*Today 22:45 waithorse

Only read the op at the moment. In all honesty I can't imagine for a second leaving my pre school child with someone I don't know well enough to have a drink with. confused*

Yup, agreed.

OP, you can salvage this. Reciprocate and be open. Apologise and hopefully they'll respond.

FriendlyLadybird · 15/04/2015 23:46

How did you 'politely decline' the cuppa? I've been thinking it through and actually it's quite difficult to do unless you genuinely had something else to do and were over-effusive in thanking them for the offer. 'No thank-you', 'Sorry but I don't have time' the words are polite but the overall effect is a snub.

But if you didn't get that, could you be misreading their reactions now? I have never met a grown woman who would behave as you have described. Are there just social cues that you're not picking up on?

Fleecyleesy · 15/04/2015 23:51

I think that you should have accepted the tea. When my dc were nursery age, everyone stayed with their kids unless it was a friend and parent who you knew quite well and your dc had been before etc and then you could leave ok.

Purplepoodle · 15/04/2015 23:54

You know what, dont worry about it. Iv given up with bloody school gate etiquette. I'm on my 2nd dc in nursery and still havnt made mum friends so I give up. I smile nod politely and leave them all to it.

LondonRocks · 15/04/2015 23:59

Um, if you give up, you've no chance of meeting like minded parents!

base9 · 16/04/2015 00:19

I'm with you, OP. If I asked a toddler round for a playdate, I would feel obliged to ask the parent in for a cup of tea but would be secretly horrified if they accepted. Like you, I would have assumed that I was expected to decline and leave them in peace. I would feel like I was intruding to come in for tea when the only person they had expected to entertain was my dc. Suddenly they are expected to sit there and keep me company, when they could be getting on with their day While the dc mess about.

Different personal and cultural expectations, I suppose.

ScrambedEggAndToast · 16/04/2015 07:02

I would have thought it was a little bit odd of you didn't want to come in for a chat with it being the first time. If I was the host parent, I would fully expect the other parent to want to size me up to make sure I'm not a loon Also, it's just a nice way to get to know the other parents and maybe get more play dates.

justwondering72 · 16/04/2015 07:24

Hi op

I think you are getting a hard time for a cultural misunderstanding. I am from the uk, now living in France and here it is absolutely normal for parents to 'drop and run' from the ages of 3 and up, for parties and play dates. In fact, I've been on the opposite side of your experience - taking my son to a play date, expecting / hoping to be invited for a coffee to make friends with the mum, and instead being very politely ushered out as soon as my son was settled! Also, I've been to many children's parties where a mix of Anglo and French children aged 3-4 are invited: inevitably, all the Anglo parents hang around for the party, drinking tea and chatting, all the French parents drop and run. It's the cultural norm here.

muminhants · 16/04/2015 08:29

I have never met a grown woman who would behave as you have described.

Really, you've not been near the average school gate then.

Also, read the thread about people just dropping people as friends for no apparent reason and then come back and tell the OP no grown woman behaves as she's described.

PrimalLass · 16/04/2015 09:30

I have never met a grown woman who would behave as you have described

Talk about being rude ...

FriendlyLadybird · 16/04/2015 10:23

Really, you've not been near the average school gate then.

Obviously not. I would have thought my DCs' school was average, but I have never, ever seen any mother there behave with anything less than normal politeness or friendliness.

Also, read the thread about people just dropping people as friends for no apparent reason and then come back and tell the OP no grown woman behaves as she's described.

I didn't say 'no grown woman behaves': I said I had never met any who did. I've never encountered people who drop others as friends for no apparent reason, either. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I believe that people who do that are in the minority.

Talk about being rude ...

I didn't think I was being rude. I really haven't seen adult women give each other the cold-shoulder treatment, so I wondered if the OP could have misunderstood. She DID miss the other social/cultural cues.

parsnipbob · 16/04/2015 10:26

friendlyladybird

OP WAS polite. She just didn't stay for a cup of tea. Big fucking deal.

muminhants · 16/04/2015 10:29

Dear FriendlyLadybird, I want to come and live wherever you do - you obviously know such lovely people. I find it astonishing (and quite uplifting) that everyone you know behaves with politeness and friendliness.

It's sadly not my experience even though I live in a naice affluent area (but maybe that's why - people too obsessed with money and appearances and competitive parenting).

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