Playdates etiquette and other mothers cold shoulder

[Haboose]

DD started nursery last September. Since then she has made a few friends at nursery. She has since been invited to two playdates by her nursery friends, one of which has become really fast friends with her. On the first occasion, I was dropping her off at her friend's house, her friend's mum asked if I wanted to stay for a cup of tea.

I was caught by surprise as I didn't think playdates involved the parent, so hadn't thought of staying and I declined politely. I can only say I barely know the mum and being a more shy introvert person, the thought of being stuck in her house for a whole hour trying to think of something to say was a bit much. My first instinct was to decline. Her face immediately changed and didn't even shut the door nor said goodbye when I was leaving. I felt confused and worried.
The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.
I did make polite conversations and tried to chat and laugh to them.
Subsequently, i was given the cold shoulder treatment by them and most of the time, they turn their faces away when I try to meet their eyes. Once at a party, I stood next to them and they ignored me the whole time pretending not to see me. They are all nice and chummy with other mums, hence it is so puzzling to be treated this way. Was I wrong to decline the cuppa? Did I break some playdate etiquette?

Hm I think that some of these replies are a bit harsh! I certainly don't agree that the "whole point" of playdates is to speak to non-small people - the "whole point" is so the kids can have a play! I wouldn't be offended if a mother didn't stay. And while obviously you might make friends with someone you meet through your children, something seems a bit off to me about specifically using your children to make friends....

You're not introverted, you're shy and socially anxious and misusing the term introvert...

*someone you meet through your children, something seems a bit off to me about specifically using your children to make friends

Why one earth would you say that?
Only now that all of my boys are at school have I developed friendships with mothers of children they play with but I fail to see how this is 'off'

The other mother should have invited you as well, and made it clear, if they weren't prepared to have your DD unsupervised.

Fwiw, I've sent my nursery age kids unaccompanied, when reliably toilet-trained and if not too shy. If the other parent is happy to pick them up, give lunch and let them play for a couple of hours, then why would I decline? I'm on the end of a phone if needed to come early. Never had any problems.

And similarly I reciprocate with those who are happy to have me look after their nursery-age DC for a playdate. If it's the first time, I say "Would So-and-So like to come and play, I'll make some lunch. Would you like to come over too, or will they be OK on their own? I'm happy to pick up straight from nursery if you think they'll be OK with it, but you're more than welcome to come too if you prefer."

Crystal clear. That's how it's always been offered to me too.

OP, I think you've had an undeserved kicking on this score.

However, I would say that if you decline the cup of tea, and don't make the effort early on, then why would they include you at a party? It's hard if you're not comfortable socialising, but a little bit of effort goes a long way.

Do some return invites, and offer them the chance for lunch or tea if they'd like, or for you to pick up.

OP can I ask what country you are from?

The women perceive that you snubbed them.

Sorry bamboo, I don't mean that it's weird making friends with people you meet through your kids. I just mean it seems strange to make arrangements that seem to be about your children but are in fact about you - like a hidden agenda or something. But even then I think I'm probably not right! I worked when my DS was small and definitely did not feel like I had anytime in my life for new friends at that stage - but on reflection I can see how I might well have felt differently if I was a SAHM. I'm on a sabbatical from work atm and have coffee dates with a couple of other parents myself.

I'm a bit confused by the question in your OP.

It would appear that you don't want to get to know the mums, by your decline of tea and chatter and also lack of playground interaction with other parents, yet you are upset they give you the cold shoulder?

I understand that it can be difficult to make small talk in these situations but most of us do it, not necessarily because we want to, but because it's polite.

If you put yourself out there and chat, the other mothers will talk back and you can become friendly. Not full on friendships, but the kind where you can have a quick catch up and matter at parties/play dates etc.

Also reciprocation of play dates tends to be a big thing. Most people do reciprocate unless big things are going on ( new babies, house moves etc). So if you haven't offered, please do and maybe chat to them at the door. Explain that you find small talk difficult. These mothers may understand and sympathise without giving you the cold shoulder next time.

NoSquirrels, it was yet another classmate's party. Not the ones DD went on playdates with. Thank you for your kind and gracious reply and advice, I shall take it onboard. If you were someone in my neighbourhood, you'd be someone I'd like to be friends with.

pinningwobble, Why does it really matter which country I am from? So some unkind people on this board can stereotype me and call me names?

DamnBamboo, you don't have to resort to personal attacks. I merely asked for advice not condemnation.

Where on earth have I attacked you ?

Haboose no just asked out of interest as I am not English and like I said earlier in the boards I really sympathise with you - I am also very introverted.

There is no need to jump down my throat, I was on your side the whole way through :)

I understood what you meant about the party - in that hanging about while the kids play, the other mums were chatting and you felt awkward not being included. It can seem a bit cliquey sometimes, but most people aren't doing it to be unkind, they're just thoughtless when in conversation with people they know better. If you accept/offer the cuppa on a playdate, then at the next party you'll be able to start a conversation from an easier standpoint.

Sometimes with school nurseries, often parents have older DC too, so they've been seeing the same 'school gate friends' for ages and have more in common. It's just breaking the ice, really. Like I say, most people are not deliberately unkind (and if they are, don't bother with them, hold your head high) but just find it easier to talk to people they know better. If you know you're socially a bit anxious, everything becomes magnified in your own head. But for better or worse, most people just aren't thinking about you, honest!

I also cannot imagine you would ever be called derogatory names on MN due to nationality. If you have that is really awful.

I think if you're invited in, it's polite to accept even if they did only offer out of politeness.

I think the key thing now is to invite the children back for a reciprocal play date, which might help.

I don't think you did anything wrong either. The fact the mum asked what to feed your DD would have made me assume that I wouldn't be staying.

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

I agree that it would be nice to ask the kids to come over assuming that is what your DD would like.

PsychopathOnTheCyclepath, I don't think I was ready to have a long sit down chat but certainly did not expect people to turn their faces away and ignore me when I say Hi to them. I was happy to chat with them if they wanted to outside the school gates or at their door before and after the playdates.

Where I come from and growing up, there was no culture of playdates. We make our own friends at school. If we get invited to our friends house, my parents don't need to go along. I use to play with my neighbourhood friends and their parents didn't know my parents. If I went to someone's house, it was because both our parents were friends.

My understanding of playdates here in the UK however is that it is organised because parents wanted their children to have friends at school and settle them into class more easily. And in organising these playdates, they can be confident and be anxious at school. Certainly for Reception class, the kids get picked up after class for playdates by other kids' parents. It wasn't required that these parents need to know each other very well before their kids could go on playdates at someone else's house. At least that is what I thought, until today when most people on Mumsnet seem to take huge offence.

If you think she just invited you out of politeness, and now you are being snubbed, then you can see that maybe it would have been polite to come in for a cuppa.

If they are going to be sending their own child round to yours then they will want to suss you out a bit (I would, with a child as young as this)

BTW, I don't think snubbing you is a very grown up thing to do, nor do I think it was necessary for you to stay the whole time. But yes, going in for a chat would be fairly normal, I think

Meh, I have dropped and run countless times. I have also been a bit phased when a Mum has turned up and made it obvious she intends to stay. I am an antisocial fucker though, and while I do make a conscious effort these days, it does not come naturally to me.

The little Tinks are all pretty popular though; having a weirdo, introvert Mum has not had a negative impact on them.

Haboose honestly don't take IT personally. I have posted a few times on AIBU with what I thought were reasonable questions and have been absolutely blasted. AIBU can be a bit like that unfortunately. Remember people type tougher than they talk!

Also speaking as someone else from another culture please remember the uk and us are quite OTT about parenthood sometimes. I don't know where you are from but where I'm from the whole culture of childhood from birth to school etc is very very different. I see threads on here like 'secondary school exam support thread' where parents get very het up about their kids exams etc and I was astounded as where I'm from kids are brought up to be much more independent.

Don't get upset!!

Oh, OP, you misread everything completely.

Playdates are an opportunity for you to make new friends too.

This thread is depressing me. I'm not looking forward to 'play dates' one bit. OP don't beat yourself up! Harsh responses.

pinningwobble , Thanks!!!

I would hate it if I had to entertain a parent I don't know, the kids are much easier. Dd2 (5) didn't start play dates until school and we have got to know the other parents of her little gang because one of the mums is a massive extrovert tbh! Dd3 (4) would happily go off to anyone's house but there isn't a play date culture at her preschool. I would happily leave her at a party though!
When my eldest two were little there was none of this play date nonsense they just went to someone's house to play and have tea
Don't worry op, they don't sound very nice anyway if they blanked you!

Don't worry about it, just ask them over to yours and make it clear mum is invited too