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Original poster

Playdates etiquette and other mothers cold shoulder

128 replies

Haboose · 15/04/2015 13:48

DD started nursery last September. Since then she has made a few friends at nursery. She has since been invited to two playdates by her nursery friends, one of which has become really fast friends with her. On the first occasion, I was dropping her off at her friend's house, her friend's mum asked if I wanted to stay for a cup of tea.

I was caught by surprise as I didn't think playdates involved the parent, so hadn't thought of staying and I declined politely. I can only say I barely know the mum and being a more shy introvert person, the thought of being stuck in her house for a whole hour trying to think of something to say was a bit much. My first instinct was to decline. Her face immediately changed and didn't even shut the door nor said goodbye when I was leaving. I felt confused and worried.
The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.
I did make polite conversations and tried to chat and laugh to them.
Subsequently, i was given the cold shoulder treatment by them and most of the time, they turn their faces away when I try to meet their eyes. Once at a party, I stood next to them and they ignored me the whole time pretending not to see me. They are all nice and chummy with other mums, hence it is so puzzling to be treated this way. Was I wrong to decline the cuppa? Did I break some playdate etiquette?

OP posts:
Almostapril · 15/04/2015 14:14

Sorry to agree with the others. The play date invite would have been for both of you as a way to all make friends etc - esp the first time. I have had 3 year olds round to play alone but generally when I know the mum well and I offer so they can get something done. Eg doctor , dentist etc
I would have been very surprised at you not accepting the invite for a brew - even if you popped if for a while afterwards.

charmund · 15/04/2015 14:15

Totally agree with everyone else - I'd expect the parent of any pre school child to stay unless I knew the child v well.

Its too late to worry about that now though - move on by inviting the children back and make sure you invite the parents in, offer tea/cakes etc - just be friendly - or have the mums and children over for lunch? Doesn't have to be complex - a sandwich and a coffee made by someone else is always bliss Smile

DancingDays · 15/04/2015 14:16

You need to deal with this now, else you will get known as that mum who doesn't speak at parties but will drop and run at play dates. You need to take the initiative to solve the unease between you and the other mums.

Also you have done it twice, if other parents hear (and they probably will) they won't invite your DD for play dates.

musicinspring1 · 15/04/2015 14:18

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. They were expecting you to stay. I think you'll have to break the ice and invite their dc over and explain you are happy to have them as that is what you thought a play date was. do it quickly though!

AmateurSeamstress · 15/04/2015 14:18

Invite both children back, separately, invite parents in for a cuppa etc, see what happens next. Be honest about your misunderstanding once you're chatting face to face.

If it was only for an hour with a preschooler, that definitely says "parent stays" to me. I think you were unlucky that it wasn't completely explicit though.

NerrSnerr · 15/04/2015 14:18

Have you invited them back to yours?

I would chat to the mums who the play dates were with and say 'omg I'm such an idiot! I didn't realise that i should have stayed' apologising while making a joke of it.

Original poster
Haboose · 15/04/2015 14:19

Thanks for the advice!! Yes, I always do try to say hello. Because DD has always been quite independent and holds her own really well. She has attended daycare since she was 9 months and been to her friend's birthday party unaccompanied.

I observed that some mothers have also dropped their child of the same age off at a classmates party as well. They tend to be ones with older siblings though so I saw it as an "okay" thing to do.
In my mind, she doesn't need too much supervision more than a look in to see if they are playing nicely by the other mum, perhaps I didn't see how the other mums would have viewed this.
I wasn't taking the piss out of anyone nor using them for convenient childcare. Just not accustomed to playdates etiquette rules because I didn't grow up here...

OP posts:
pinningwobble · 15/04/2015 14:21

I agree with all pp but I really sympathise OP as I am extremely introverted and know I am really going to struggle when it comes to making chit chat with other parents (we are ttc our first).

I think as others have said for the sake of good relations next time you'll just have to grin and bear it a bit.

Almostapril · 15/04/2015 14:21

I agree. Take a deep breath and speak to them about it. If that's too nerve wracking, drop them a text saying you didn't mean to be rude and hadn't realised that play dates were meant to be for you too. Offer a play date back asap - with a brew

nickersinaknot · 15/04/2015 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Almostapril · 15/04/2015 14:23

When your DD goes up to reception its normal for mum to stay too in the early days - until everyone knows each other well

nocabbageinmyeye · 15/04/2015 14:24

Play date etiquette aside are you actually saying you think its OK to drop your 3 year old off to a strangers house??? Like really??? I'm not an overly suspicious or cautious person but there is no way in hell i could do that, why would you? No matter what are your from surely this is just common sense??

VipersBosom · 15/04/2015 14:26

Yup, she wasn't 'asking you whether you'd like to come in for a cup of tea' as an optional extra to the play date, she was assuming you understood you were to stay because of the age of your child, and asking whether you would like some tea while the children played. So your refusal looked, however unintentionally, as if you were both unfriendly and exploiting the other mother for free childcare.

Honestly, OP, the bit I don't get is why you were happy leaving a three or four year old alone in the house of someone you don't know! Didn't it strike you that that was a but much to expect both of your child and the other mother?

I sympathise to an extent. My son is three and the circle of other mothers of children his age that I've met since we moved to this village are really not my cup of tea - endless diet talk and anecdotes about how drunk they got at the weekend - but I do a certain amount of chitchat for DS's sake, and do most of the toddler group baking o show willing.

nocabbageinmyeye · 15/04/2015 14:27

** where you are from, sorry

PippiLicious · 15/04/2015 14:27

You were guilty of the play date crime known as a Drop And Run. My sil used to do this when I was on mat leave and hers were that sort of age.

Georgina1975 · 15/04/2015 14:28

I would be pretty gobsmacked too. I wouldn't know your child's toilet habits, eating habits, drinking habits etc.. and you cannot rely on such a small child to articulate these needs properly. Also, your DC is in a completely new environment so - however confident and independent - you cannot know how they are going to react.

As others have said - apologize for mess-up, offer return play date and move on.

Almostapril · 15/04/2015 14:29

To be fair my DD would have been fine being dropped off at 3 alone with a friend. She wouldn't have batted an eye lid - nor would my DS. I would feel antisocial tho!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/04/2015 14:33

op play dates have changed since my dd1 was little. She is 20 this year and when she was small it was 'drop and run' and it wasn't called play dates either. Now though it's completely changed 'play dates' are parent included so she was probably expecting you to stay and chat.

When I had dd2 I really had to make the effort to fit in the 'mummy play date culture' it really wasn't my scene. But after I did it was really beneficial to dd2 and myself.

I'd go back and ask her round for a cup of tea and start again.

Wadingthroughsoup · 15/04/2015 14:34

Awww OP, don't beat yourself up over it but , yes, try to make amends by inviting them over.

Like you, I am an introvert, and I don't always 'get' unwritten social rules. Also, I'm not keen on surprises and prefer to know in advance what to expect/what is expected of me. For all those reasons, I ask people for clarification if I'm not sure what the deal is.

Hope you manage to eradicate some of this bad feeling between you and the other mums.

It is also perfectly ok to not want to make friends with other mums. But if that is the case, you should probably invite the child to yours instead, and make clear to the mums that you're not expecting them to come too!

QueenofallIsee · 15/04/2015 14:34

Sorry OP but that was a fuck up. For pre school children, I treated playdates as a social occasion for me and for kids unless explicitly told differently...its not like having a friend for tea after school aged 8. I would have thought you most peculiar indeed and would have felt like a babysitter when I was treating you as a possible future friend

muminhants · 15/04/2015 14:35

The next playdate involved a male classmate of DD whose mum never quite bother to chat with me at the school gates nor make eye contact with me much. She gave me a choice of staying while they had a playdate or dropping my DD off. I dropped her off because I also felt i hardly knew her much.

The second mum gave an option. If it's such an unwritten rule, why did she give that option?

I've no idea what the etiquette is as I'm not sure my son ever went to playdates at that age as I worked full-time. I did stay at parties, and I do know that from reception onwards, an increasing number of mums would drop and run at parties. I was probably one of the last to stop hanging around a party - much earlier than when they were 8!

Anyway whatever the etiquette why on earth would you then ignore someone for "breaching" it? They are being very childish and judgey especially as you say you didn't grow up here so do you have an obvious foreign accent so they'd know that?

That aside, I wouldn't have left my 3 year old ds with someone I didn't know. But we all perceive risk differently.

londonrach · 15/04/2015 14:36

Very young to be left without mum. Think you need to see the mum, apologies and take child back. If you explain you never know you might find a new friend x

londonrach · 15/04/2015 14:38

Have child and mum back sorry ipad fail x

pearpotter · 15/04/2015 14:45

It's very easily resolved, OP, just invite the child back and make it clear it is with mum as well.

reni1 · 15/04/2015 14:48

If it's such an unwritten rule, why did she give that option?

I think it is unfortunate it wasn't made clear that staying is expected, but she could hardly have ordered her in. And yes, many parents are after parent friends too, so might concentrate more on parents perceived to want the same. Bit of a misunderstanding and easily fixed.