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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to get lost?

108 replies

TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:35

Ok I would probably not say it that way but I'm serioulsy getting annoyed.

DH had 'organised' the weekends ahead (up to the end of May). It goes like this:

  • weekend 1: 1 full day doing his hobby, one day together doing an
admin (boring) stuff together
  • weekend 2: dc1 has a sport event. It has been assumed I'm taking him whilst DH and dc2 have a day out together doing activity 1. Following day is DH spend the day with both dcs doing activity 2.
  • weekend 3: Bank Hol. Apparently nothing planned
  • weekend 4: DH and dcs doing activity 2 together again.
  • weekend 5: DH and dcs to a concert and then possible activity 2 again (DH says they migt not have enough energy for that but dcs, of course, are very keen....). As the concert is about 2h00 away and in the direction of PIL, DH is plan is to go to his parents on the saturday and sleep there. I'm apparently suppose to take dc1 to his event, go to PIL so he can go to the concert and then... wait for him and the dcs to finish activity 2 the day after.
  • weekend 6: bank hol weekend. DH away for his hobby for the whole 3 days.

All activities that DH and dcs do together I can't do. It's all outdoorsy and I can't follow due to ill health.

Now DH is getting huffy becauae I'm saying that I don't want to be at home on my own most of the time and we don't spend any time together as a family. (1 dasy in tewo months)
It's dc2 birthday at the end of May so the only time we can do it is now the last weekend in May but DH is getting grumpy ''because I was thinking we could go camping together'. Why we can't go the weekend after, I don't know.

In effect, all the weekends are organised around his interests and hobbies and I feel left behind trying to patch tings up for the dcs. There is nothing left for me, like I didn't exist.

So WIBU to get lost and that we will do other things some of those weekends?

OP posts:
DoJo · 14/04/2015 19:44

What about weekend 3 - could you not plan something for that weekend, especially as it is a long one? I agree that it sounds like you are being a bit 'forgotten' but suggesting some activities that you could all do together is probably a better way of approaching it. I would be wary of limiting the time that they spend on their shared hobbies, as this would presumably benefit your children as well, but is there no leeway in the time your husband spends doing his hobby alone that could be carved out for family time, especially the last weekend when there should be some time to spend as a family for your child's birthday.

PoppyField · 14/04/2015 19:44

There doesn't seem to be much consultation here. However...

Why don't you just start organising stuff so that the calendar fills up with things you would like to do with family. What would you organise? I think May is pretty much covered. You can say what you will and won't do on a few things, if you haven't actually been asked. Why are things 'assumed' here - don't you get a say?

Rather than lose it, why don't you just start on some plans for June and get them in the diary first. If that's how things get done in your family, make a few 'done deals' of your own.

DisappointedOne · 14/04/2015 19:45

Must be something in the water. Suddenly DH "must" persue all of his chosen hobbies (neither of which involve DD and I) and is organising stuff left right and centre with zero regard for the impact on us.

I've got the spade out ready for the body. Wink

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:47

I don't mind the dcs enjoying themselves and having a nice activity with DH. My problem is that I have NO time doing anything with the dcs apart from being the taxi driver.
The on;y time I have on a one to one bais is with dc1 when I take him swimming. 15mins in the car each way. I don't even get with dc2.
So yes I'm pissed off as I feel I don't see the dcs, have no quality tioome with them at all let alone time as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:49

DH used to do that too Disappointed and after a long time explaininh gow it would be nice to have time together, I gave up and decided to organise my own things with the dcs. Things that we could all do and enjoy.

Now that DH has 'discovered' activity 2 that the dcs can do, it's like he has been given a free pass to do whatever he wants 'becaiuse the dcs are involved'.

Fuck that. I want to be involved in my family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:53

And no, no consultation there at all.
It doesn't help when DH says in front of the dcs 'oh there X organised on X weekend' and of course they want to do it. So either I say nothing and they all go (and I'm left on my own).
Or I interfere, says NO and I'm the bad guy in the eyes of the dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:55

Ha... but you see, I'm the one who is not wanting to do something together by saying dc2 birthday comes first.
So all my fault again.

Sorry on a roll there. It clearly isn't just about the next 2 months. Lots of backstory there.

OP posts:
DoJo · 14/04/2015 19:55

But surely that last bank holiday weekend, when your husband is away for three days, is a chance to spend time with the kids isn't it? I honestly can understand that you feel sidelined, but I'm sure you can find time to enjoy with the kids, even if it's singing silly songs in the car on the way to your PILs' house.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 20:03

So are you saying that you spend 1 day in two months (that's 14 days) as a family and that's it?

And then again in two months, it's OK to have time with your dcs for 4 days out of 14? That's less that what a NRP is getting with an EOW arrangement!

OP posts:
PoppyField · 14/04/2015 20:47

Just arrange something, lots of things. Fill up the following weekends with things YOU want to do!

DoJo · 14/04/2015 21:28

So are you saying that you spend 1 day in two months (that's 14 days) as a family and that's it?

I'm not sure - from your original list it sounds like there is one long weekend with nothing planned, and another long weekend when it's you and just the kids. If I've misunderstood I apologise. I agree that it's not a huge amount of time to spend together, but it sound like you are dealing with bigger issues that just the time spent together so perhaps it's worth sitting down with your husband to discuss the whole situation and reach a satisfactory compromise.

shewept · 14/04/2015 21:30

i count more than one day

CrapBag · 14/04/2015 21:38

That sounds crap and I wouldn't be happy with that. Weekends are suppose to be family time.

So your DH is happy for him and the kids to spend all their free time doing their outdoorsy stuff and you are expected to put up and shut up, and turn up for the occasional taxi ride? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd be telling him to free up some more time as he doesn't get to dictate all of the free time that you should be having together, particularly when he knows you can't join in. Does he ever consider you or is it him and his boys? (Just looked back and you don't say DS's but it's the impression I've got so ignore that if I'm wrong).

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 14/04/2015 21:43

Weekend 1 can you all not spend a day as a family? I've never known household admin to take up a full day.
Can you not plan something as a family for the BH weekend?
If you can't do outdoor stuff is it fair to not allow your DC's to? You don't say what the activities are or why you can't do these so it's hard to give any solution.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 22:00

Activties are orienteering and hill walking. I can't do a 2 hour walk wo being crippled with pain so that's out for me.

Admin is about looking for a specific item for the house. We will be out all morning. Afternoon by experience will end up doing all the things we need to do in the house and aren't done because DH is never in (and things I acn't always do because of said health).

No idea what will happen on BH. We might be spending it as a family but history tells me at least one if not two days will be directed towards going walking ... which I can't do. DH always says he wants to do something I like too, asks me to tell him. When I do, he changes subjects, forgets or proposes something else ... Because you see, it's just not active enough for him.

I'm not saying that I'm not allowing my dcs to do any outdoor stuff.
I'm saying that DH is using them as an excuse to do what he likes to do now they are older to follow.
I'm saying I will spend 4 days, when DH is busy doing things he enjoys, with the dcs doing something I enjoy and that is suitable for all 3 of us.
Whereas DH will have spent 4 days on his own and then 5 days doing things he enjoys (ie he not the dcs has chosen the activity!) with the dcs. Overall that's 9 days out of 11 (not counting the BH).
I'm saying that he has nicely organised his time off to fit him wo any thought about his me, his DW. And that's crap.

A weekend with me and the kids is NOT a weekend spent as a family btw. DH isn't there.

What I would like is for all of us to have a nice time at some point and for all of us to make an effort to cater for the wish and needs for the different members of the family. I don't think it's too much to ask tbh.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 14/04/2015 22:07

What would you like you all to do? I know you've said for you all to have a nice time, but what would that be doing?

CrapBag · 14/04/2015 22:07

No its not to much to ask.

I have health problems too and wouldn't be able to do these activities either. If my DH and DCs were going out nearly every weekend and leaving me behind I'd be very pissed off too.

Have you said your last sentence to him? It spells it out very clearly to him. If he ignores it well he's an inconsiderate arse who doesn't give a stuff about you or your feelings.....

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 14/04/2015 22:12

I agree with Bowlers what would you like to do?

youngestisapyscho · 14/04/2015 22:15

I'd love my DH to bugger off with the kids every weekend and leave me in peace!

FunkyPeacock · 14/04/2015 22:15

I can understand your frustration at having an illness which prevents you from doing family activities but surely your DH is doing his best to ensure that the DCs don't miss out due to your illness and still get to participate in all the sports/activities that they enjoy

YANBU to be pissed of with your illness but are can't really see why you are pissed off with your DH

It seems he is stepping up as a parent in doing so much fun stuff with the DC because he knows you can't

Could you perhaps meet them for lunch or something if you aren't well enough to actually join in with the activity?

Without knowing what type of family day out you would be able to do with your illness then I don't feel fair judging your DH

PoppyField · 14/04/2015 22:31

No idea what will happen on BH. We might be spending it as a family but history tells me at least one if not two days will be directed towards going walking ... which I can't do. DH always says he wants to do something I like too, asks me to tell him. When I do, he changes subjects, forgets or proposes something else ... Because you see, it's just not active enough for him.

I think there is more going on here as you sound very passive. Apologies if, I am starting to sound repetitive, but why don't you organise something for that weekend, rather than waiting for something else to be organised around you that you won't like.

'History tells me' Well what is stopping you from taking charge and directing activities away from outward bound etc. If there's nothing in the diary for that weekend, there's no reason why you can't plan that thing that you'd really like the whole family to be able to do. What exactly would you like to do? You don't seem to have any positive suggestions. Start writing down a few ideas and get it in the diary.

Perhaps I am missing something, or is there a reason you are avoiding sorting things out yourself?

FunkyPeacock · 14/04/2015 22:37

Yes, agree with Poppyfield

If you have an idea for something you can all enjoy together as a family that won't be limited by your illness then put it on the calendar & let your DH know

HumphreyCobbler · 14/04/2015 22:38

I think the real problem is the OP wants her DH to give a damn and he doesn't seem too. It is pretty shit that he is happy to never spend any time with you, as long as his exercise needs are met. It must feel pretty dispiriting.

YWNBU to organise a different plan, but it is a shame you don't have more consensus about spending time all together. It is pretty rubbish that he sidelines all your suggestions and you will have to essentially steamroller over his plans in order to have some input into family life. It shouldn't have to be like that!

FunkyPeacock · 14/04/2015 22:54

or perhaps the OP's DH thinks he is being helpful by getting the DC out of the house and giving her some space to relax? If I was ill then I would be thankful if my DH took the kids out for the day and would do the same for him if he was feeling under the weather

If the DC enjoy orienteering & hill walking with Dad then surely that is a good thing and should be encouraged? It doesn't mean they don't appreciate time spent with their Mum too

If you start cancelling their activities and demand they stay home and do jigsaws and play boardgames with you then you may face a backlash!

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2015 23:25

It sounds like both DCs and H enjoy the outdoor activities and sports. Sorry but as kids grow older it's not really fair to expect them to cut down on their outdoor fun because you are not well enough to participate (and by the sound of it have no interest in it.) Do you have any hobbies of your own? Anything you could take up that would not cause you too much pain?

And is the cause of your pain something that's going to get better or is it one of those ghastly long-term things like fibro or arthritis? If it is chronic and you have a very active family, you really do need to find some sort of hobby or interest of your own rather than insisting they stay at home and watch telly with you...