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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to get lost?

108 replies

TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:35

Ok I would probably not say it that way but I'm serioulsy getting annoyed.

DH had 'organised' the weekends ahead (up to the end of May). It goes like this:

  • weekend 1: 1 full day doing his hobby, one day together doing an
admin (boring) stuff together
  • weekend 2: dc1 has a sport event. It has been assumed I'm taking him whilst DH and dc2 have a day out together doing activity 1. Following day is DH spend the day with both dcs doing activity 2.
  • weekend 3: Bank Hol. Apparently nothing planned
  • weekend 4: DH and dcs doing activity 2 together again.
  • weekend 5: DH and dcs to a concert and then possible activity 2 again (DH says they migt not have enough energy for that but dcs, of course, are very keen....). As the concert is about 2h00 away and in the direction of PIL, DH is plan is to go to his parents on the saturday and sleep there. I'm apparently suppose to take dc1 to his event, go to PIL so he can go to the concert and then... wait for him and the dcs to finish activity 2 the day after.
  • weekend 6: bank hol weekend. DH away for his hobby for the whole 3 days.

All activities that DH and dcs do together I can't do. It's all outdoorsy and I can't follow due to ill health.

Now DH is getting huffy becauae I'm saying that I don't want to be at home on my own most of the time and we don't spend any time together as a family. (1 dasy in tewo months)
It's dc2 birthday at the end of May so the only time we can do it is now the last weekend in May but DH is getting grumpy ''because I was thinking we could go camping together'. Why we can't go the weekend after, I don't know.

In effect, all the weekends are organised around his interests and hobbies and I feel left behind trying to patch tings up for the dcs. There is nothing left for me, like I didn't exist.

So WIBU to get lost and that we will do other things some of those weekends?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 13:28

Moma* interresting to see that you think I'm a 'winger expecting to arrange everything around her'.
I hope you will never be ill yourself and have a chronic condition as I have.

Then I would like you to take the time to READ my answers.
You will find that DH HAS blocked one of the long weekends for himself anyway (wo asking if I was OK with it btw)
You will find that I'm not asking them to 'wait for me' but to leave some space for me to do things with them, not to automatically take me out of the equation and ignore me.
That he doesn't have 8 days with the kids but 9 (out of 11!). And I don't get 6 days with them but 3 (wo him and that's the point!). The other 3 days are 'undecided' which means that it could be anythinh at all. The best would be for us to spend the 3 daus together but I'm not holding my breath because ... yep you guess it, whatever I propose is ignored!

OP posts:
HighwayDragon · 15/04/2015 13:30

I'd be waving them off then enjoying a hot bath, good tv, and nice chocolate...

Bowlersarm · 15/04/2015 13:36

I'm finding your posts quite confusing op. Maybe you aren't communicating well with your husband and he's not clear what you want (neither am I tbh). Your family set up sounds typical of a lot of families I know, including us.

What is it that you actually want to do with your family? (sorry if I've missed it)

Your lack of mobility complicates it a bit, but I'm not sure what you want your family to do about it.

HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 13:40

I think the OP wants her DH to take her into consideration when planning activities.

It seems perfectly clear to me.

Mrsstarlord · 15/04/2015 13:40

I think you sound worn down with everything. You are clearly in a lot of pain and you are directing anger at your dh, IMHO unfairly. He is arranging things to do with the kids, not going out on the piss and leaving you to it. If you want things to be different then speak to him about it. Don't do that in the same way that you have here, because your anger and sense of injustice is palpable and your responses to people have been sarcastic and unclear. If my DH spoke to me like that I'd give him a wide berth, the situation would get worse.
You are unwell but you are not helpless, work out what you can do and do that!

paxtecum · 15/04/2015 13:41

One of my neighbours has three boys. Most of their days out revolve round what the car mad dad and boys wants to do. The mum often sits next to a car racing circuit reading a book, trying to ignore the stink and noise.

Sorry, that's not very helpful to you.

Can you not go out with them and sit and wait for them to come back?

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 13:42

Every day of the weekend, most weekends highway??

Sure it's nice from time to time but after a while, it gets boring you know.
AND, aftre avfew weekends, it also means that I'm the one to do all the HW because I'm the one at home.... Handy that isn't it?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 13:43

The OP has clearly stated that she HAS spoken to him about it. He ignores and sidelines her.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2015 13:45

I appreciate that you may not want to go into detail about your health issues but are you doing everything possible to get better? I know there are some conditions that are just not fixable and I really sympathise if you have one of those but it's also easy to get stuck in a whiny, negative mindset, which can lead to friends and family backing off because whatever they do is wrong. And yes, I do get that someone with a chronic illness can get fed up of other people peddling all sorts of suggestions that are useless, or unsuitable (not just positive thinking but discredited woo-beans-and-crack that they read about on the internet) - but there are often things you can do to improve your situation. I can';t suggest any as I (obviously) don't know what's actually wrong with you.

And I think that your H may be trying to protect DC, a bit. If they are primary age, that's a bit young to be expected to cope with repeated disappointments when a planned activity has to be cancelled because 'Mummy isn't well enough, so we're all going to stay at home instead.'

Bowlersarm · 15/04/2015 13:46

If the op can't do any of the activities her Dh and kids want to do, then I'm not sure she can be accommodated. Without the other members of the family missing out.

It's still as clear as mud to me, but I think YABU, if the situation is as I think it is.

HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 13:49

It seems, from a careful reading of her posts, that the OP is able to do lots of stuff with her kids if her limitations are taken into account.

sparkysparkysparky · 15/04/2015 13:49

Health problems myself. We try to do something we can all do. It's hard as dc become more active and you less so.
I think you need to talk to him rather than to us.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/04/2015 13:51

I've read all of your posts and I still think YABU, sorry.

If you're as vague with your DH as you are on here then I can see why there are communication issues.

For example, ok you don't want to go camping on your DS birthday weekend, as "the only time we can do it is now the last weekend in May" - do what exactly? What is 'it' that you want to do instead of going camping or making any other plans?

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 13:53

Yes I am angry. And just as much as I can let my anger out on MN, I never do at home.

Just as I rarely talk about my pains and the tiredness when I'm at home. Because I don't want to bore my DH to death with how unwell I feel. But it doesn't mean that I'm well or I'm not in pain.

Even if it was, I don't care if our organisation is a typical set up. It doesn't work for me.
But tbh, I don't think it's a typical set up. I haven't seen a lot of families where the mum has very little time with her dcs. It's usually the otherway around. The afther gooing away doing his won things leaving nthe mum at home with the kids.

pax do you think your NDN is happy?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 13:53

Your mistake was starting a thread in AIBU, OP, it would have been better off in relationships.

Hakluyt · 15/04/2015 14:02

Does your husband come to hospital appointments with you? Would hearing about your illness from your consultant make it more real for him? Obviously this shouldn't be necessary, but.........

GlitterBelle · 15/04/2015 14:22

I'm so sorry you've had some of these responses.

Her husband isn't 'taking the children out to give her a break' - he's EXCLUDING HER. For being ill! How does that become her fault?

She's not saying her children shouldn't ever go out to do physical activities, she's saying she would like to be including, or considered.

You're right - she could plan some stuff, although when you're feeling awful it's hard to explain the energy that can use. The amount of times I'm trying to work out a plan and up giving up and going to bed, I can't tell you. But I realise that's hard to understand if you haven't been there.

But surely you can all understand what it's like to be excluded or your needs not considered? It's not about her press-ganging them into doing things, it's about wanting her husband to care that she's physically unable to do everything he's planned for a month. And by the sounds of it, he will just continue to plan things, so it's not like she can just get in first in June.

And from what she's said her husband isn't doing it to keep the kids active, but because he enjoys it, and can get away with planning them because it's like he's doing it for the children, not him.

I'm sure if her husband said 'right weekend 1 I've planned a hike, so weekend 2 we will make sure you can come, so if we plan a geocashing trip for if you're feeling okay, and a cinema trip for if you aren't' then it would be fine. Because some weekends have been put aside for her and she's been included as a family. Even if it's something they don't quite want to do as much.

I understand you OP and you aren't being unreasonable. You don't want it all your way, you just want to be thought about and considered.

Casmama · 15/04/2015 14:46

OP how is your relationship with your husband? It almost sounds like you have no relationship and he is doing everything he can t avoid spending time with you.

I wonder whether relationship counselling might be something you would consider as this sounds pretty miserable for you both.

Bowlersarm · 15/04/2015 14:53

GlitterBelle that is very bloody rude of you to apologise for other posters posts to the op. If you've done it on my behalf please don't.

I'm sorry I don't understand OP. I hope you get it sorted for all your sakes. All the best.

HumphreyCobbler · 15/04/2015 14:57

I think GlitterBelle was right. I can't see what is so hard to understand about any of this. There are some very unhelpful responses imo. We have the right to state that, it isn't rude.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:07

Thank you SO MUCH GlitterBelle. You have no idea how rewording all this did for me. It helped so much!

Maybe what you said is making more sense for other posters?

I also have taken into account what some PP have said about me being unclear. This is, unfortunatly what can come with my illness, so it's helpful for me to know that, at the mo, my thoughts can come out a bit jumbled up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:09

casmama it's hard to have a relationship with someone who is never there. That's one of the reasons I would like to spend more time together.

fwiw I did ask him if he wanted to spend time with me and he said Yes. His actions tell another story imo.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:14

And yes glitter, a big issue for me is him planning things, not asking me if I'm happy with it but just saying 'There is X event on saturday' in front of the dcs.
Of course, then they say 'Oh YES!' and I have no choice other than going along with that. If I don't, I am the one stopping the dcs from doing something they would like to do. I'm the bad guy.
And I'm feeling guilty enough not to be able to do so many things with them wo stopping them again (and feeling bad and guilty about that too).

OP posts:
Peepants78 · 15/04/2015 15:22

I have a condition that causes similar issues to those you have described, meaning I struggle to join in with family activities. I don't think YABU to want more time together.
But unlike your situation I don't feel I'm being abandoned by my family with no choice. Although it's hard I try to encourage my husband to take the dc to things that I can't join in with. I tag along when I can and will watch or read or sit and cry alone because I can't join in but I love that they are having fun. If I can't go, then I make sure to ask all about it, look at photos and try to make use of the time left that day together.

I'm not able to plan ahead either, so we tend to have one 'free and loose' day and one planned thing where possible, even if it doesn't work out. Time has taught us that if we waited for me to be ok we'd probably do nothing!

I'm not sure if you know, but many places now have a tramper style mobility scooter meaning you can take on footpaths, tree roots and muddy puddles with ease. I only discovered this about a year ago and went for a long trek around Sherwood Forest on one. Have since done the same on several national trust properties. Kids were actually jealous of me getting to go 'off roading'!
The trouble is my own scooter now seems very tame in comparison! I use it to follow behind on bike rides, or walks with the dog. It's not the same, it does hurt (in both senses), but I am there with them.

I think you need to tell your DH how you are feeling physically as its easy to forget/not notice or fully realise someone is in pain. My own, pretty wonderful, DH has fallen foul of this a few times. He's been fooled by my act many times, and has even admitted to pretending to not realise, because selfishly (his term) he wanted me to be there with them.

Is there a nurse or support worker for your condition you can speak to? He may need someone to explain the condition and your limitations to him, especially if you aren't a complainer. It can be hard to understand something that won't ever get better. Maybe they can speak to the children too? Help them understand.

I'm more than happy to chat if you want to pm me. Maybe we can share ideas for family friendly fun that won't break us?!

Peepants78 · 15/04/2015 15:28

Sorry! That first bit was meant to explain that my needs are considered by my husband and the difference it makes to how I feel. I was trying to explain and I think it's turned out a bit wrong took me an hour to write and re-write too!