To tell DH to get lost?

[TheMagnificientFour]

Ok I would probably not say it that way but I'm serioulsy getting annoyed.

DH had 'organised' the weekends ahead (up to the end of May). It goes like this:

• weekend 1: 1 full day doing his hobby, one day together doing an

admin (boring) stuff together

• weekend 2: dc1 has a sport event. It has been assumed I'm taking him whilst DH and dc2 have a day out together doing activity 1. Following day is DH spend the day with both dcs doing activity 2.
• weekend 3: Bank Hol. Apparently nothing planned
• weekend 4: DH and dcs doing activity 2 together again.
• weekend 5: DH and dcs to a concert and then possible activity 2 again (DH says they migt not have enough energy for that but dcs, of course, are very keen....). As the concert is about 2h00 away and in the direction of PIL, DH is plan is to go to his parents on the saturday and sleep there. I'm apparently suppose to take dc1 to his event, go to PIL so he can go to the concert and then... wait for him and the dcs to finish activity 2 the day after.
• weekend 6: bank hol weekend. DH away for his hobby for the whole 3 days.

All activities that DH and dcs do together I can't do. It's all outdoorsy and I can't follow due to ill health.

Now DH is getting huffy becauae I'm saying that I don't want to be at home on my own most of the time and we don't spend any time together as a family. (1 dasy in tewo months)
It's dc2 birthday at the end of May so the only time we can do it is now the last weekend in May but DH is getting grumpy ''because I was thinking we could go camping together'. Why we can't go the weekend after, I don't know.

In effect, all the weekends are organised around his interests and hobbies and I feel left behind trying to patch tings up for the dcs. There is nothing left for me, like I didn't exist.

So WIBU to get lost and that we will do other things some of those weekends?

It may be a break down in communication, rather than him not giving a flying eff..

He may think he's taking the children off your hands, but not realising how crap him continually organising stuff that you cant participate in makes you feel.

Does he realise??

Could you go with them in the car and maybe read whilst they are on their two hour walk? Then you could all have a picnic together or lunch in a cafe.
I would enjoy just being out in the countryside and taking in the fresh air.

I suppose that wouldn't work if you are being left to look after a child.
Could you be dropped in a nearby interesting town? How much mobility do you have?

What would you like to plan for family time?

I won't have my life organised for me. I'm an adult. Organise some activities or day trips for you and the DC to do together. The only thing we have planned is this Sunday, which is a meeting of the literary society I belong to, it's in a Wetherspoons not far from us so everyone's happy. DH gets his pint or 3, DC get food and activity menus and I get to see friends and chat about something that interests me. DF's also the local organiser and it's his birthday so we get to see him too. It was his idea to hold it close to us for that reason. Mostly our weekends are free to go to the park or whatever.

I'd love for my DH to be like this with the kids. He literally will let them play on computer games and stay in pjs all day every day unless I force us to do something else. Then I'm the bad guy.
I agree with other posters, you are very negative about things, unsurprising given that you are in pain, but you need to strap a pair on and be more assertive with him. Tell him what you want to do and when, don't just sit and complain about things.

Tbh I really don't get your attitude. Would you not be delighted that your dc are doing outdoors activities? Also family life happens every day surely not just weekends. I think it would be very mean of you to stop dc doing activities they like just because you want to spend time with them doing something else, and it's not clear to me from your post whether you even know what you want to do with them.

Tbh I am not sure whether I think yabu or he is. So far i am leaning towards yabu OP. Sorry. Based on the fact you have no suggestions on what you want to do instead and i also think, given how ill you are dh is attempting to give you some rest too. Its not like he is going alone every weekend. Also you say he uses the kids an excuse to do stuff. But your OP says on the weekend of the concert DH thinks they will be to tired to do the activity, but the kids are keen so will probably end up doing. So they do want to do it and he isn't using them as an excuse.

I think your illness is what's pissing you off and it your directing it at dh.

Fwiw I am quite happy for dh to do his hobbies, sometimes he takes the kids sometimes not. The difference is, i can go if i want to too. But usually don't.

I don't know what the answer is as any solution is going to be unfair on someone.

What is the world coming to, when you have to plan your family life like an office diary?

I think it's modernity Duchess. Dh and I go through our diaries every week together to fit everything in. Have done since the dc were tiny. I love it.

Can you sit down and speak to you DH about this and see if you can organise some family things you can take part in for the remaining weekends? Does your DH feel frustrated by your health problems? I am in a similar situation health wise as you (at least it sounds similar) and I know my DH doesn't really get it. I was always the active one with endless energy and I sometimes think he feels if I "made a bit more effort" I could do it. I "pushed" myself last Friday and am still suffering so I know where you are coming from.

That said I would be pleased if DH would take the children out on active excursions as ds3 won't walk the length of himself as he is used to taking the car and I feel that's my fault. The older boys were used to walking miles because that's what we did.

Could you arrange nice things for yourself and the children when they are home and some relaxing things for yourself when they are not.

I wouldn't be partaking in weekend 5. I would let DH sort that without involving you waiting around for them.

DH always says he wants to do something I like too, asks me to tell him. When I do, he changes subjects, forgets or proposes something else ... Because you see, it's just not active enough for him.

This bit makes me think YANBU. Sounds like you do suggest stuff but it gets ignored.

And no matter how active the DCs like to be, it won't hurt them in the slightest to do something their mum can do as well. That's part of the normal give and take that decent people do.

YANBU. My DH likes to plan some stuff but he wouldn't plan our weekends right up to the end of May. Our DDs have all left home now well youngest at uni so we tend to just do stuff spontaneously especially as I work some weekends. But when the DDs were children we would have a mixture of planned and going with the flow weekends. Also some activities as a family and others one or other of us would take all or one/two of the children out.

You plan something for the bank holiday then.

I think you've posted recently about this and the problem is you hint and hope but don't actually take control and plan anything solid, it's all just vague "let's spend time as a family", "doing stuff at home".

how about saying "right guys, on bank holiday weekend I've booked tickets to the cinema/bowling/nearest national trust property and then we're going out for dinner together so don't make plans because that's what we're doing".

Lots of good suggestions on here, Op. All basically asking what you would like to do with your family and suggesting that you go ahead and organise this.

WickedWax really summed it up in suggesting that you say to your family

"right guys, on bank holiday weekend I've booked tickets to the cinema/bowling/nearest national trust property and then we're going out for dinner together so don't make plans because that's what we're doing."

So what would you like to do Magnificient?

Shit, wrote a long answer and MN ate it all!!

Yep I could organise couldn't I? Organise something I'm not sure I could actually do because I might have the energy for it (No way I can plan so far in advance how I will feel).
Organise something that DH isn't keen on so I will have to deal with the emotional fall out (read him being grumpy and snappy and/or ignoring us all that day). And that takes a lot of energy.
Be assertive and DO THINGS FGS! I hear you say. because it's so obvious that when you are ill you will have the same energy than everyone else to organise things AGAINST the will of your partner. That it has to be me not being strong enough/hoping people will read my mind/will do things for me. Because surely, after being told numerous time and having seen it himself, DH can NOT possibly guess that going on stenous walk isn't something I will enjoy or could do.
Thanks for making me feel even more shit than before!
Of course, I could 'fight' harder to get my point accross and I don't because 1- I don't have the energy for it (woud you expect someone with cancer or leukemia to do so? NO because you would assume they are too weak for that. Why are yoou asusming I have the energy for it?) and 2- surely DH should WANT to listen to me and do things WITH me. You know just to be CARING and COMPASSIONATE?

Fwiw, I never complain about the pain or the tiredness. I've always been the 'coper' the one who still does thigs even though I know I will pay the price later. Even though I know I will be the one waking up with pain at night. And I won't even mention it to DH because, you see, saying that nearly every day for years, it gets boring don't you think?

So longer answer,

Fry got the right idea there. Do I propose things? Yes all the time. Does it means that that's what we do? Nope.
As it seems I have to give a list to be believed, here it is.
Eg of things we could all do? Let's have a look at what I did with the dcs during the hols. Geocatching (in a wood, flat surface) for 1h30 then sitting down by the river for 1h00 whilst the dcs were skimming stones, cinema, taking them swimming/ice skating/museum and then having lunch together. Just pottering about in the house talking, watching a film together.
We are lucky to have lots of activities organised by a nearby National Park. Lots of stuff I would be happy to do and would 'fit' me but that DH is refusing to even discuss let alone agreeing to do.

Eva's despription is a very accurate decription of how I feel when I 'overdo' things and why *(ie I will very easily overdo things just to give the opportunity to the dcs to X or Y)

Interesting pov from SGB. Sure, as they get older, the dcs will want more independence and will want to do their own things and not be with us all the time. But they are both primary age kids! I expect them to be spending their weekend with us (bar all the activities they do anyway).
Also, if you go walking, you always set your pace/target according to the weakest member of the group. I would that my dcs would learn that (ie flat walk and not strenuous if we are together). I wouod actually expect them to learn that as a rule in general. Because it's about RESPECT of the other members of the group/family.
There is no respect for the person who has physical limitations if you never do things that that person can do (and refuse to do the ones they can do). There is no respect of them if everything had to be about the person with limitations.
What I would expect to see happening in my family is a balance of things. Days where DH could go to do hiis own things on his own (he gets that), days when the dcs can do what they enjoy (that's about nearly every time) and things that I enjoy doing (More or less never as a complete family).

Someone mentioned that family life isn't just about weekends. I would say it depends! I'm working 2.5 days but 3 evenings so never get to eat with the dcs these days. I'm lucky if I see them for half an hour.
Fridays is taken out by the dcs activities (different times etc). And DH is usually out for the night (think back in the house for one hour max before leaving again). So again, no evening meal together, no sitting down.
There is only one day where we are all together in the house.
We are like passing ship in the night. Hence why weekends ARE important.

Eva does DH get frustrated by health problem? Probably but more so he clearly thinks it's all me being lazy and/or unfit. Which is probably one of the big reason why he takes no notice.

That was a good question that. One I would have prefered not to answer. Because it means he doesn't believe me.

And how can I make him realise I can't do all the things I used to do when we met and he needs to adjust if he is convinced it's all down to me?

You have expressed it all brilliantly here. If you have told him all these things before, then he is wilfully not hearing you and is well out of order. If you haven't, maybe it'd be a good idea to lay it on the table once and for all, along with what exactly you would like him to do about it. If you want to be sure you can say everything you want as clearly as you want, you could copy and paste the last three comments and change it so that it's directed at him, sit him down, tell him not to talk until you are done and read it out to him.

I can feel the sadness in your posts and your frustration at not being heard.

Is he loving, thoughtful and supportive in general, or is this a symptom of bigger problems overall?

I'm still undecided. You say you can't plan things cos you don't know if you'll be able to do them... In that case I think your dh is ensuring your kids have good active life ..And that does need planning. I'm not convinced that your kids should be restricted on doing v active things cos one parent can't do them.

However you seem to say at end that dh thinks your lazy, seems to me that's your real problem. So can you not sit down with him and go thru what u r medical condition actually involves for you - again.. Also stop acting the martyr. If you're doing stuff a lot, then suffering in silence then how are people to know how bad your pain is?

Why don't you write it all down in a letter for him? I know that sounds a bit silly as you could talk to him, but as you have little energy for a conflab you could put it all down in writing.

eg. your frustrations at not being able to join in, how you would like some balance to do things you might be able to do or to stay at home so you can enjoy family time without wearing yourself out. That way you can make sure he knows you're not trying to stop them doing their new activity, just that you are feeling lonely and would like to moderate it with other stuff you can all do.

Tbh I think that you are probably done talking. Especially if you have discussed this at length numerous times. My instinct is that your thread title is more apt than you probably thought and that perhaps you are tired of the emotional strain of not being heard and valued. Is it possible that if you weren't ill you wouldn't want to be with him anymore? I know that sounds implausible since you're complaining about not spending time with him and your children as a family unit. But perhaps something else is actually at the core of your difficulties.

Who copes withthe kids all week? Does he see them during the week? Sounds like he is
*making sure you arent stuck with them on the weekend too
*that he wants to make sure they DO get the outdoorsy time you cant give them, in the only time available for him to do so
*plus his hobby gets scheduled, probably in the only time available for that.

You ARE reasonable to want some whole family time. There are two long bank holidays for you to work with, as well as the summer following this brief 2 month period. get busy.

He has left the two long weekends of the next 6 weekends free.

8 days when he and the kids fo a variety of things you cant do anyway.
6 days in which you can make the plans, which you may cancel at the last minute anyway..

That really doesnt seem unreasonable.

What is unreasonable is to expect everyone else in the family to make no plans in advance to do anything you cant do anyway, on the off chance that you will feel up to doing something you sometimes can. If you cant, it is too late for them to then go and do the sort of things they would want, because that requires advance planning. But showing willing to support you is more important than actually getting out and doing what they like.

He doesnt think you are lazy. He thinks you are being a whinger expecting everyone to arrange their activity level around yours.

Moma who said I would feel stuck with the dcs on the weekend TOO?

I never ever feel stuck with my dcs. I WANT to spend time with them and resent not been able to! And tbh they are really really not high maintenance. Quite the opposite.

And lol at all the time I will get after these very short two months. This is just an example of how things are done. It will be the same in June and then July and then August...

pop I said that to him already. Several times. The result? No difference.

saoirse is giving the dcs a good active life also means that they never get to do anything with their mum, have no shared memories of doing something fun with her? Is it so essential that it has to be done to the detriment of everything else, incl family time? Is it OK to do at the detriment of my relationship with my dcs? (See my post about my working pattern and the fact I have very little time with them during the week. DH DOES though)

Holger yes you've nailed it. (and Humpfrey earlier on too).
I'm frustrated of not being heard.
Would I still be with him if I wasn't ill, able to earn a full time wage (which I can't atm as I can't work full time) etc...? I don't know. But I sure think I would have a better relationship with my dcs if I was, even if I was seeing them EOW. At least, it would be EOW of quality time.