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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to get lost?

108 replies

TheMagnificientFour · 14/04/2015 19:35

Ok I would probably not say it that way but I'm serioulsy getting annoyed.

DH had 'organised' the weekends ahead (up to the end of May). It goes like this:

  • weekend 1: 1 full day doing his hobby, one day together doing an
admin (boring) stuff together
  • weekend 2: dc1 has a sport event. It has been assumed I'm taking him whilst DH and dc2 have a day out together doing activity 1. Following day is DH spend the day with both dcs doing activity 2.
  • weekend 3: Bank Hol. Apparently nothing planned
  • weekend 4: DH and dcs doing activity 2 together again.
  • weekend 5: DH and dcs to a concert and then possible activity 2 again (DH says they migt not have enough energy for that but dcs, of course, are very keen....). As the concert is about 2h00 away and in the direction of PIL, DH is plan is to go to his parents on the saturday and sleep there. I'm apparently suppose to take dc1 to his event, go to PIL so he can go to the concert and then... wait for him and the dcs to finish activity 2 the day after.
  • weekend 6: bank hol weekend. DH away for his hobby for the whole 3 days.

All activities that DH and dcs do together I can't do. It's all outdoorsy and I can't follow due to ill health.

Now DH is getting huffy becauae I'm saying that I don't want to be at home on my own most of the time and we don't spend any time together as a family. (1 dasy in tewo months)
It's dc2 birthday at the end of May so the only time we can do it is now the last weekend in May but DH is getting grumpy ''because I was thinking we could go camping together'. Why we can't go the weekend after, I don't know.

In effect, all the weekends are organised around his interests and hobbies and I feel left behind trying to patch tings up for the dcs. There is nothing left for me, like I didn't exist.

So WIBU to get lost and that we will do other things some of those weekends?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/04/2015 15:30

Because I don't want to bore my DH to death with how unwell I feel.

That sums up the problem for me. He shouldn't feel bored, He should know how she feels because he wants to know.

He's clearly (to me) distancing himself.

OP -YANBU at all.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 15/04/2015 15:35

But surely the DC's want to be doing these things too?

Would they be happy to stay at home with you instead?

It does sound a teeny bit like your DH can't win - if he didn't take them away would they all feel they were being a burden on you? Unfortunately, now that the nice weather is here people don't want to stay at home...

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 15/04/2015 15:36

That sums up the problem for me. He shouldn't feel bored, He should know how she feels because he wants to know.

He's clearly (to me) distancing himself.

But with the best will in the world, a continuing litany of misery can get boring. I think he feels he's doing the right thing, life can't stop for the whole family...

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:40

IKnnow I never said I want them to stay at home. I said I want to do things outside that are within my possibilities.
When I'm on my own with the dcs, we don't stay at home. We go out, do plenty and the dcs are happy with that and enjoying themselves.
But yes it's never a very hard workout. Does it have to be?

OP posts:
Marynary · 15/04/2015 15:42

I sympathise OP as I am disabled to some extent by a chronic health condition and often in pain. Fortunately my DH and the children are pretty good about it but that is probably partly because they are very used to it. It sounds as if your DH is being really insensitive at the moment and I wouldn't be at all happy about the fact that he is planning trips with the children miles in advance without consultation. That really isn't fair.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:43

And btw bad weather has never stopped DH from doing his activities (with the dcs).
Rain, mud and cold are now seen as the 'norm when you do things' by the dcs. I'm pretty sure most people would recoil at that thought.
And we are talking about Primary School children too, not teenagers.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/04/2015 15:43

can you use a scooter as was suggested and sit with dh and kids choose routes which are scooterable?

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:46

The other way to look at it is that, being away like this is actually stopping the dcs from doing other activities they enjoy, such as playing tennis, seeing their friends, going to museums.
Of course, they won't say that. They are too young for that (and Dh will get in a mood).
But is it right to stop them from doing all these too?

I really think it's about BALANCE and RESPECT and there is none there. Not for me and not for the dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:47

DH will NOT do scooterable routes, I can cope with those. Not the ones where you have to climb the mountain.

OP posts:
GlitterBelle · 15/04/2015 15:48

It's not rude to say you're sorry that there have been some horrendous responses, calling her a whinger, and saying she should be left out activities because she's disabled.

That's what's bloody rude.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 15:48

Sorry It was meant to be I can't cope with the ones where you have to climb up a mountain

OP posts:
Catanddogmake6 · 15/04/2015 16:13

Op, I'm in a similar position to you. I completely understand what it is like to not know what you wil be like from one day to next and to overdo it trying to make others happy. One thing I find very difficult though is knowing when I'm overwhelmed which bit is the pain talking and which bit is genuine frustration. Have you been offered CBT with a specialist pain therapist? I know the wait times on the NHS are horrendous. i found it really helpful and it might help you to work through all your frustration and work out how you want to manage this. I'm afraid I have no magic solution though - do share it, if you find it.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2015 16:55

OK, it's starting to sound a bit as though your H is being selfish (though he is including DC in activities which they clearly enjoy, so not 100% ignoring the rest of you.) Has he always been a bit selfish?
On the other hand, how well informed is he about your health condition? As a PP said, does he come with you to your medical appointments? If not, is this because he is not interested (or squeamish about medical stuff, as some people are)? Or because you have preferred to 'cope alone' in the past?
Also, how long (roughly) have you been unwell - is this a recent thing, or has it been going on for years? And is there any prospect of you recovering (eg you could be waiting for something like a hip or knee replacement). If it's something that's been going on a long time and there is next to no hope that you will ever be fully active again, then it can be as stressful for family members as it is for the person with the condition, and even the nicest of partners can get resentful after a while.

saoirse31 · 15/04/2015 17:07

tbh op I'd expect primary children to be out and doing activities in rain cold and mud. why not?

I don't know what answer to your problem is but I do think you sound v unhappy and quite irritated with responses that go against you.

I really don't think it's fair to expect your kids to do nothing when you don't feel up to it when their other parent can take them out.

GlitterBelle · 15/04/2015 17:29

She doesn't sound irritated to me, just frustrated with the situation. She's not expecting them to do nothing, she's happy for them to do physical activities. She would like her husband to also plan some less physical activities so she can be included as well.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 18:52

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have answered this thread.
In a strange way it helped me a lot. Because I've been able to let out steam and not having a go at DH.

But mainly because in effect there has been 2 categories of posters. The ones who aren't ill and though I'm just a pain in arse.
The ones who are ill themselves and 'got it'.

Maybe there is a lot in his behaviour about not been able to comprehend how it actually feels to be chronically ill. And how it's easy to see how it can be a pain to have a partner who is ill and unable to the things you consider 'normal' (and they used to do).
I'm Confused as how it is up to the person who is ill to make the allowances so that their partner isn't too affected but ....

Fwiw I've been unwell for years, it's not going to get better and no DH doesn't come with me to appointements. It has never occur to either me or him to do so.

I also haven't been angry at posters. Just really frustrated not to be able to put my point across and feeling that PP were asking questions that I had answered already. It's nice to see that some PP were able to get ot amnd rephrase what I said. But as I said before, also nice to see that others were finding it confusing (it is one of the symptoms. I need to know if it had got worse atm) maybe being angry didn't help either lol.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 18:55

Glitter thanks again for rephrasing things. It has made a huge difference to me, incl helping me feel I wasn't getting crazy.
FlowersFlowers

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 19:13

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. But maybe you do need to have a go at him sometimes? It does you no good at all to keep everything in so that resentment builds and builds. On some level he probably doesn't know how badly unwell you are. He should certainly be able to hear what you're telling him, though. As long as you're clear and upfront about it.

I asked about how you felt about the relationship in general, even though I realise that sadly there may be very little you can do at the moment about extricating yourself from it (if that is indeed how you really feel) because sometimes it's good to just voice things. Get them out there, if only to yourself, and stop the dry rot of leaving your feelings unexpressed. This may or may not apply, but maybe it'll be helpful to a degree.

I'm not sure you will be able to solve this problem to a degree that actually satisfies, because unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do to force him to hear you? If he's determined not to take your feelings and opinions into account then he's not a good, decent man and that won't change no matter how much you rage Sad

But I wonder if you can solve the issue of seeing your children more but in a slightly different way than you perhaps envisaged:

Rather than focus on trying to see all the children of a weekend, could you take it in turns to have one on one time with one of them every week while the others go out with Dad? That way you will be able to focus all your attention on each of them in turn, and having a family day with you all together will still happen here and there.

I feel strongly that in your position I would be heartbroken at being forcibly pushed out of my children's lives, and the above approach might be the most workable one for you at this point.

TheWintersmith · 15/04/2015 19:30

No, YANBU

I am quite fit and love outdoor stuff, DH has chronic health condition which saps his energy.

What we do is plan, say a mountain bike route through the forest, where red and black MTB routes intersect with an easy level route. he uses a scooter along the flat bits, and I dart off and do 10 a 20 minute diversion on a mad bit then meet him a little further along the track, we alternate which route the kids take. (If they fancy easy they stay with him or hard they join me) we ride 80% of the route together and have a picnic halfwY. I get to have a bit of a blast and get it out of my system.

I'd hate to just leave him at home, even if the pain makes him grumpy and a bit repetitive at times.

What I am saying that is Your DH is being a dick; there are loads of ways to do outdoorsy as a family with a big disparity in fitness.

The question is is it deliberate exclusion or just thoughtlessness?

Greenrememberedhills · 15/04/2015 19:35

I think your DH might think he is in charge. He isn't as consultative as he might be.

Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 21:02

If there is one thing DH isn't is consultative. Never has been.

Thanks for your experience TheWinter. This is the sort of things I would be happy to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMagnificientFour · 15/04/2015 21:06

Holger, heartbroken is how I have been feeling.

I like your idea of 'swapping the dcs' from time to time. That's something I would be happy to do, especially as it woud leave me some time to spend with dc2 on a 1 to 1 basis (Not a lot of opportunities otherwise). That would be nice.

OP posts:
Metalguru · 15/04/2015 21:13

Bloody hell I'm exhausted just reading that! Thank god DH is like me and likes to spend the weekends drinking wine chilling out.

Yanbu

HolgerDanske · 15/04/2015 21:25

It's really not fair what he's doing to you.

Only you know whether he is 'just plain selfish' or actually quite controlling and/or abusive. I fear it might be the second but please do correct me if I'm wrong.

I would talk to him again. Explain that it is not fair and not right that you should have to fight for time with your children. Suggest taking turns with one child at home every second weekend (sorry I wasn't sure whether it was two children or more but I think you have only mentioned dc1 and dc2) alternating with the other weekend out with Dad, plus one family weekend in every five. It is not his right to just plan things without any regard at all for what you might like.

If he doesn't listen, or pays lip service but then ignores all the plans you make and/or sabotages so that it never actually happens, then I think you may need to think carefully about what you can do to work toward a better situation for yourself.

Phineyj · 15/04/2015 21:48

My best friend has an issue somewhat like this (chronic back problem and mountaineer DH). They tend to do an activity each with the DC - he will climb with the boy while she does something else with the girl. She has also taken up photography for something to do in the mountains. I do know how you feel slightly - I'm a teacher and DH is very good about taking responsibility for our toddler so I can work at weekends, do parents' eves, training and school trips - he is so good that I sometimes feel surplus to requirements, which seems ungrateful. So, YANBU really. You and your DH need to get your feelings out in the open (Relate maybe?) and Flowers because no-one likes feeling like a spare part.