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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBM to not let ds2 4 wear his Elsa dress out anymore due to twattish sniggering parents

610 replies

NellysKnickers · 13/04/2015 16:00

Ds2s hero is Elsa. He loves her and Frozen. He also loves mud, dinosaurs, trains and his bike. He wore his Elsa dress to pick up ds1 from school today. I'm shocked by the amount of parents giggling and pointing, I expected a bit from kids who dont know any better but adults? ?? I'm torn between being upset and wanting to pinch them in the face ( obviously I would never do this in reality) Why is it that people think it's ok to laugh at someone a little bit different, Dh just says they are a bit thick!

OP posts:
leedy · 15/04/2015 16:07

"and you think this is ok?! In the real world there are women who like rugby and men who push prams, or you haven't noticed."

Of course I don't think this is ok, I think it's horrendous! But was wondering if the same posters who think that a "good parent" would stop their small boy going out in an Elsa costume "because it's just inviting bullying" would also think a "good parent" should stop their small boy going out with a pram or other "girly" toy.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 15/04/2015 16:09

I'm not going to 'hang my child out to dry'. I'm going to be there, behind him, challenging any twat who thinks there's something wrong with a boy wearing a dress, and making sure DS knows he can wear what he wants, be who he wants, and it doesn't fucking matter what some narrow minded arsehole thinks

I liked it as well. But as has been pointed out, she won't always be behind her child.

And then what?

Is that child strong enough to stand up for themselves?

I would like to know why the op didn't challenge the parents she believed to be pointing and giggling at her ds if it bothered her so much.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/04/2015 16:19

I hope he is strong enough to recognize twatish bigotry and know that he doesn't need to 'stand up for himself', because that those people are tiny and pathetic and not worth his time or energy. And the school has a duty to manage bullying. I might not live in hippy North London, far from it actually, but most of the adults I have met in real life couldn't give two shits if a boy wears a skirt or likes My Little Ponies or whatever, because these things really don't matter.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 16:20

Women who like rugby and men who push prams are adults

if I have 4 kids and they are uniformly kind and generous as adults and teens. They have many gay friends who came out as teenagers.

Teenagers and adults have learned some resilience after years of teaching by hopefully sensible parents.

At 4 no boy has the capacity to deal with the negative attacks they would attract by constantly wearing frilly dresses.

That's a fact. Not a theory.

leedy · 15/04/2015 16:24

"Women who like rugby and men who push prams are adults"

So little girls shouldn't like rugby and little boys shouldn't even push prams because they're not tough enough to deal with the inevitable mockery? FFS.

Christ. I can't believe a man pushing a pram is now being presented as some kind of brave gender warrior who has acquired the resilience and toughness to face the inevitable HA HA HA HE HAS A PRAM HE WILL CATCH GAY OFF IT. HA HA HA HE IS LOOKING AFTER HIS OWN CHILD AND IS NOT IN THE PUB. HA HA HA GAYLORD.

leedy · 15/04/2015 16:25

I am, like many others, starting to wonder what kind of bizarre retro "you'll engage in appropriate gender behaviours or we'll burn you in the Wicker Man" communities some other posters live in.

bungmean · 15/04/2015 16:28

m a father. my son is three, and loves Elsa. he often wears an Elsa dress at pre-school. Im very happy for him to do so.
I understand that there are narrow-minded arseholes out there who would mock and laugh at him wearing a dress, but that is their problem, not his.
Sometimes my wish to protect him from such people means i inadvertently steer him away from what he wants to wear to what society deems he ought to wear. When i realise what I'm doing i feel ashamed that I'm letting the petty prejudices of those people cloud my judgment.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 16:29

leedy

Without being rude are you actually reading and understanding my posts.

My dds are rugby players by the way.

Seriously are you really this innocent and sheltered? Do you have children or experience of schools today?

Homeishappiness · 15/04/2015 16:30

A very ordinary place, with ordinary people (mostly) :) Unfortunately, there are small minds here, there are people who will mock, laugh and even openly express discomfort at a 4 year old boy dressed as a princess. Since my children have to live here I hope they will have happy memories of their childhood and not remembering the time they were laughed at for dressing as Elsa. As such, I sometimes use the word 'no'.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 16:31

Do you what can't be arsed any more.

OnlyLovers · 15/04/2015 16:32

Me too, leedy.

Pyjamas, the OP's son didn't notice the sniggers and pointing. Perhaps this is the 'capacity' to deal with it that you're so worried about children not having; a capacity not to cope, but to simply be oblivious.

By the time he's old enough to notice he may well also have stopped wanting to wear his dress (whether or not that change is one brought about by social mores/pressures is a whole other thread).

Assuming that some people are petty and nasty enough to remember that when he was four he wore a dress sometimes, he will be protected at school by staff and elsewhere by his parents. He'll also by then have learned some resilience and hopefully gained a twat-radar so that he can, as hoppy puts it, 'recognize twatish bigotry and know that he doesn't need to stand up for himself'.

And he isn't 'constantly wearing frilly dresses', FFS.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 15/04/2015 16:33

home give up. Wilful misunderstanding and a failure to engage with reality are too daft to waste time on.

Homeishappiness · 15/04/2015 16:36

The little boy didn't notice the sniggers but his brother did which has been omitted almost entirely from the discussion.

wol1968 · 15/04/2015 16:36

Perhaps OP needs to give the people who snigger at her son's Elsa costume a copy of David Walliams' The Boy in a Dress.

TeddyBee · 15/04/2015 16:36

I remember when my mum told me I couldn't eat Jaffa cakes like my brother and sister because I'd get fat. She said it with love, but it was over twenty years ago and it still impacts on my relationship with food. I'll be buggered if I throw a poisoned spanner like that intone psyche of my children.

Homeishappiness · 15/04/2015 16:38

Over twenty years ago? I think you've got more issues than food teddy. Hopefully your children won't mind you put a picture of them wearing frilly frocks on one of the busiest forums and most-visited places on the internet out there. That WOULD have given me issues.

OnlyLovers · 15/04/2015 16:38

Home, yes, his brother did, and according to the OP he 'explained to one child that if his hero was superman he'd be in a superman costume, just happens he loves Elsa so wearing an Elsa dress.'

Which sounds like quite good capacity to cope, to me.

leedy · 15/04/2015 16:40

"Seriously are you really this innocent and sheltered? Do you have children or experience of schools today?"

Yes, and yes, my older son is in school.

Also the child in question is NOT IN SCHOOL, he's a preschooler who occasionally wears the costume of his favourite cartoon character out and about with his mum, not an 8 year old insisting on going to school every day dressed in full drag as Marie Antoinette (or forced into said attire by his social warrior parents). Quite probably by the time he's in school he'll think Elsa is babyish, or will have more fully absorbed the entirely prevalent idea that liking Elsa is "for girls", and/or will be interested in something else. Or maybe he'll still like Elsa, which is obviously fine too but not something the OP should have to think about yet.

Homeishappiness · 15/04/2015 16:40

does it? It sounds to me like a little boy being put in a very awkward position. The obvious next question is why the child's hero is a princess.

I'd love to believe that the small children went away pondering gender inequality and stroking their chins musing the sageness of what the boy said; I doubt it, though Hmm

leedy · 15/04/2015 16:42

I love that "disagreeing" == "refusing to engage with reality".

Clearly I am making up my entire area/community, where I suspect nobody would give a toss about a small boy in an Elsa costume.

Original poster
NellysKnickers · 15/04/2015 16:42

Mrs, I didn't challenge anyone as I find ignoring people is more effective and a better example than arguing in the school playground. As ds2 didn't notice, I was certainly not going to bring it to his attention.
Since the incident, I have chatted with both dcs and explained that some people feel uncomfortable with things that are a little different and may make nasty comments but it should never stop them doing what they want.
I am honestly shocked at some of these responses, guess I'm a bit naive. But I would rather that than be of the same opinion of some posters.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 15/04/2015 16:43

Not just a little boy volunteering some information? You do seem to put the worst spin on things.

The obvious next question is why the child's hero is a princess. What do you find to be a problem about that? (assuming you do; I may be misunderstanding).

leedy · 15/04/2015 16:43

"The obvious next question is why the child's hero is a princess. "

Because she's the main character in a really popular Disney movie with an entertaining story that lots of kids like? Also, IIRC, not a particularly weedy/passive princess either.

TeddyBee · 15/04/2015 16:47

Wow Home. I guess you can't imagine being hurt by something your mother said to you then? Basically my mother made me feel like my worth was bound up in my size and that my whole life was going to be a battle against food and the evil fat. With one comment. She didn't mean to, but she did. By posting a picture of my children, where their faces are mostly obscured, I am saying that I am proud of how funny and lovely they are and I don't care what they look like. Although of course they are incredibly beautiful Grin

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 15/04/2015 16:50

Well thank you for coming back and clearing that up for me op