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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBM to not let ds2 4 wear his Elsa dress out anymore due to twattish sniggering parents

610 replies

NellysKnickers · 13/04/2015 16:00

Ds2s hero is Elsa. He loves her and Frozen. He also loves mud, dinosaurs, trains and his bike. He wore his Elsa dress to pick up ds1 from school today. I'm shocked by the amount of parents giggling and pointing, I expected a bit from kids who dont know any better but adults? ?? I'm torn between being upset and wanting to pinch them in the face ( obviously I would never do this in reality) Why is it that people think it's ok to laugh at someone a little bit different, Dh just says they are a bit thick!

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 13/04/2015 20:45

Can anyone who thinks this is wrong explain why they think so. Why is a little boy in an Elsa dress any different to any other form of dressing up? I know boys who like dressing up in fairy dresses I know girls who like dressing up as cats. Please can someone tell me the differenc?

Micah · 13/04/2015 20:47

I was that child who was made to change if my mother didn't like the outfit I was wearing.

It f*ucked my self confidence. Im now in my 40's and always wear jeans and a t-shirt, in case I should get it wrong and people might be laughing at me. It was particularly hell at secondary school as I was terrified of getting it wrong and being picked on.

My children have the confidence to pick an outfit and wear it well. Even if it's a full Spanish flamenco dress or a brown flowery t-shirt with green trousers.

I walk down the street so proud that they can do that without the crippling anxiety that I have. It is my one small achievement as a parent.

So I strongly believe people should wear what the hell they like, and not be judged for it.

Devora, thank you for your input :).

RoseWithAThorn · 13/04/2015 20:50

Probably tarred and feathered by the local Klan.

Nope, I've never seen anyone tarred and feathered and never seen the Wickerman. The Wickerman Festival is held in Dumfries and Galloway and the line up looks really good actually.

RB68 · 13/04/2015 20:51

Once upon a time little boys culturally wore dresses in the UK till the age of about 4. Its just a piece of clothing. Break the mold/mould please what does it matter - we still have pantomine dames, we have cross dressers, but really clothes Grown ups need to let go some completely illogical cultural norms. Would we have a problem with a girl in a spidey outfit or fireman Sam or police officer???? Get a life people.

My nephew is just the same loves anything sparkly and glittery, necklaces and handbags and has his own fairy dressing up outfit. They are all like magpies at this age and love anything like that and why should they be denied colourful glittery things based on what - nothing but preconceptions and ignorance frankly

alwaysstaytoolong · 13/04/2015 21:02

But what the OP doesn't know (and therefore no-one else knows on this thread either) is whether the reactions were because shock horror - a boy in a dress or because they thought he looked cute/unusual or just because it was considered different but in a good way.

Posters upthread made comments about little girls in the UK in flamenco dresses or Christmas pudding outfits. I may well look at a child dressed like that and point them out to a friend while saying 'oh, they look so cute/amazing!' and we would giggle.

We wouldn't be negatively judging and it's entirely possible the people looking at OPs DS had exactly the same thing going through their minds.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 13/04/2015 21:04

I'm just baffled by the inconsistency in attitudes whereby people express horror, scorn, ridicule and contempt in response to a small child in a princess dress but claim to be totally tolerant and accepting of gay and transgender adults. Why does the little boy playing make-believe, unaware of the gender issues, become an object of mockery yet the same people have no problem with alternative lifestyles? I just think if you're bigoted and unpleasant enough to be revolted by a young boy in a dress, that bigotry is likely to extend to other areas. I doubt that many people who would ridicule that child would then be fine with a gay adult or a man dressed as a woman.

JacquesHammer · 13/04/2015 21:07

My GOD I cannot think of anything much more depressing than telling a child "no" because they will be mocked.

I have seen one of these mythical "cross dressing boys" - and possibly a bit older than most. He arrived at an 8th birthday party wearing a tutu, fairy wings and a batman jacket. Not one parent/child mocked or laughed at him. I'm pretty glad tonight that I move in the circles I do!

ApocalypseThen · 13/04/2015 21:10

So I strongly believe people should wear what the hell they like, and not be judged for it.

Me too. And I think deciding what you want to wear is an important freedom for small children - who really cares what they put together? The main thing is to give them control over an aspect of their lives that they care about (and they do like to choose their clothes) and let them express themselves in a safe and harmless way.

Theycallmemellowjello · 13/04/2015 21:10

I am loving the comments about how you've just got to respect the bigots' way of life! Hilarious! Here's the thing. If you want to judge male children, or male adults, who wear stereotypically female clothing, then that is your right. Absolutely. No one can stop you doing that. But. It is also everyone else's right to judge you are a sad, small-minded bigot for doing so. And believe me, we are judging.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 13/04/2015 21:10

Not a fan of boys or girls wearing dressing up clothes at school pick up really. Bit daft as dressing up clothes are for dressing up at home or play parties and not for the serious business of being a kid at school pick up.

Outfits are usually long and frilly and inhibit running and playground play.

Can't be arsed to get into the mumsnet world of 4 year old boys in dresses out and about,as in 25 years as a parent have never come across this.

Hey ho.

RoseWithAThorn · 13/04/2015 21:16

I am loving the comments about how you've just got to respect the bigots' way of life

That comment works both ways.

RoseWithAThorn · 13/04/2015 21:19

Only on Mumsnet Hmm. I'm off to have some Wine and watch Game of Thrones.

HalestormRock · 13/04/2015 21:25

My 6 yr old DD chooses her own combinations of clothes at the weekends - she often looks a right state - but so long as she is warm/dressed according to temp etc, we just let her get on with it. Not harming anyone.
Same with the OP's lad - he is not harming anyone - let him be !
If my DS decides to do the same when he is able to dress himself, and its not a school uniform day, then so be it .
Live and let live people !

LegoSuperstar · 13/04/2015 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GColdtimer · 13/04/2015 21:28

Pyjamas are you kidding. My dd2 wore dressing up clothes to school pick up most days. Didn't seem to inhibit "the serious business" of the school run.

And I have noticed that nobody has managed to answer my question and tell me why it's wrong and how it differs from a girl dressing up as a cat which leads me to suspect they know it's simply because of their own narrow mindedness.

SolomanDaisy · 13/04/2015 21:32

Only on Mumsnet? You do realise that (most) posts come from actual human beings, living in the real world? Just not a part of it where children's dress codes are written by Nigel Farage on a particularly closed minded day.

HeyDuggee · 13/04/2015 21:32

You can't "make" a 4 year old do anything OP?

Mine wants to wear his pajamas all day and would if I let him. I can make him wear other clothes and it hasn't stiffled his creativity or freedom, bless him.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 13/04/2015 21:35

Whenever I see the 'only on Mumsnet' comment on a thread, I think it indicates that the poster either genuinely can't comprehend that people different to those in their immediate social circle do actually exist in the world or they simply can't come up with a reasonable defence of their opinions. I have seen plenty of views expressed on here that I haven't encountered myself but that doesn't mean I think they are a strange quirk of the internet. The world is a big and varied place!

twofalls I totally agree with you.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 13/04/2015 21:45

two I didn't say it was wrong I said I personally have never seen a 4 year old boy at school in a dress. That's all.

My main point was personally I think it's daft to let any child wear dress ups apart from parties/home/nursery as let's face it they are usually fussy and pretty crap while running/climbing/chasing etc.

I really couldn't give a crap if any boy was in a dress, but obviously that 4 year old boy would inevitably attract comments both critical smd supportive.

That's unfortunately RL and not mumsnet life.
It's sad and harsh but true.

To airbrush or deny that is stupid really.

Loving the Nigel Farrage allusion. Hilarious.

SilverBirch2015 · 13/04/2015 22:52

At a local museum near here there is a room where children can dress-up in olden clothes. Frequently 5/6 year olds when on school visits, the boys would dress up in the maids outfits, probably because they were more different than the breeches and easier to get on. A few boys would giggle at them, but generally not a big deal for anyone.

My DS loved Polly Pocket toys when he was young, after he started school he felt he needed to hide them when he had friends around, when friends quizzed him I used to pretend they were mine to prevent any embarrassment, frequently they would all end up playing with them.

Seriously though, it is about time we just let children be who they want to be when they play. Changing their behaviour to suit some fictional view of society norms, is just perpetuating the myth, the more Mums who just shrug and sayo so what when their DS want to add a bit of sparkle to their lives, the more the very small minority who snigger will look out of touch and narrow-minded.

Maybe we need a dressing-up as a Disney Princess day for everyone. Not sure they make them in size 18 yet, though Grin

Stealthsquiggle · 13/04/2015 23:03

Threads like this leave me conflicted. On the one hand, it's clearly not an issue, and those adults pointing and laughing should be ashamed of themselves. One of the many reasons that I loved the nursery that DD went to was that if they had dressing up clothes out at pick up time you could guarantee the boys were princesses and the girls were firemen (although I did give them some lovely gender neutral animal dressing up outfits when she left).

OTOH, I never let either of my DC go out anywhere (other than the occasional fancy dress party) in dressing up clothes. It didn't matter what dressing up clothes, I just ruled that they were for wearing at home, not going out in. So I would be just as Hmm about small boy at school pickup in superman outfit as one in an Elsa dress.

SingingHinnies · 13/04/2015 23:21

Same here, i'm not sure what i make of it either really, if my dd wanted to do the school run in her Jammies or in a dress or shorts on a rainy day i would tell her no she can't, it's not practical and what will people think/say. i would imagine people saying 'Hinnies DD came to school dressed in shorts but it was freezing' or Hinnies dd came to school in her Jammie's she wasn't dressed' I don't know if I would class this as the same. If i took a boy in a dress on our school run i know people would talk just like they probably would if i done the above. i am not sure I would do it as i would feel uncomfortable myself and wouldn't want to draw attention to myself. Not saying it's right or wrong either way just that i wouldn't do it as i wouldn't want to draw attention to me and DD

SingingHinnies · 13/04/2015 23:24

and i don't think it's right to laugh and point at a 4 year old, its obvious people will talk about it regardless but to point and stare and make the child feel uncomfortable is not on. I very much doubt that no one would talk about it out of earshot

enderwoman · 13/04/2015 23:34

I think that if your son wants to wear a dress then let him if he is confident enough to deal with the inevitable attention that a dressing up outfit brings.
I often point out kids in fancy dress to my kids. We walked behind s child dressed as a kangaroo this morning and I laughed because it was very adorable and it made me feel happy.

Males in dresses are considered funny by society. Think of pantomime dames and men dressing up on bachelor nights etc. you were naive to think that a dressing up outfit wouldn't attract attention.

I've seen boys try on sparkly female clothes at school or in the privacy of a house but must admit I've not seen one in public. While I wouldn't judge the child I would make judgements about you especially as this is MN where boys in pink are heroes and girls in pink are failures.

enderwoman · 13/04/2015 23:35

I think that if your son wants to wear a dress then let him if he is confident enough to deal with the inevitable attention that a dressing up outfit brings.
I often point out kids in fancy dress to my kids. We walked behind s child dressed as a kangaroo this morning and I laughed because it was very adorable and it made me feel happy.

Males in dresses are considered funny by society. Think of pantomime dames and men dressing up on bachelor nights etc. you were naive to think that a dressing up outfit wouldn't attract attention.

I've seen boys try on sparkly female clothes at school or in the privacy of a house but must admit I've not seen one in public. While I wouldn't judge the child I would make judgements about you especially as this is MN where boys in pink are heroes and girls in pink are failures.