To think it's wrong to say someone's attractive....."for their age"

[Songlark]

I hear it said a lot about older women. Comments like "for her age she's quite attractive" or "she's good looking for her age".
I just think the age bit is irrelevant. If someone is attractive, they're attractive, why add the "for her age" bit on.

[Sparklingbrook]

I agree with Bowlers re VW, and am worried about a joyless world.

[Trills]

I am with howlong.

I also think it's different to say it about someone than to them.

If you intend to compliment someone, just do it, just tell them they look good. They know you are taking into account many factors.

If you are discussing someone's looks, you can mention other factors that affect your judgement - that you are not expecting the same looks from a 65 yr old as from a 25 yr old.

[Floisme]

Bowlersarm I promise you, I like to be told I look good. I am very vain. However I've reached the stage where I aim at stylish and individual (but not eccentric, that's not me) rather than beauty.

It's fine not to agree - if everyone did, I wouldn't waste quite so much time on Mumsnet.

I never put anyone down if I think they're trying to compliment me. That would be very rude. But I do wonder - why wouldn't you say it to someone's face if you think it's so acceptable?

[Sparklingbrook]

TBF I can't ever imagine a situation where I would be stood in front of an actual person in RL and say 'You look good for your age'.

The only situation I encounter it is when say, DH and I are watching TV or discussing celebs in the paper. We might (shock, horror) say that exact phrase.

[Trills]

When you are talking TO a person, and you say they look good, they already know that you mean they look good for them, not as compared to an imaginary axis of attractiveness that contains all the women you've ever laid eyes on.

[ageingdisgracefully]

I get this a lot, and take it as a compliment. Or try to. I'm terribly vain, and any compliment is better than none at all, imho..

There does seem to be an element of surprise that an older woman can look good. And it takes SO much effort. And, thanks to Mirren, Lumley, Joanie and so on it's become kind of acceptable to want to look after yourself into middle age and beyond, whereas a generation ago an older woman looking glam and sassy would have been branded "mutton", probably.

[Sparklingbrook]

I a meeting a friend for lunch today. I am worrying already. I might say 'I like your dress' or something. Hope she doesn't read anything into it.

[Bowlersarm]

Flois, there are lots of compliments I could make about people without wanting to say it directly to them. For example "she's so lovely, I can't imagine why she married such a dickhead" or "she's done amazingly well to be CEO of x company considering she had a crap home life with unsupportive parents" along the lines of "She looks fantastic for her age". More sensible when talking to the person not to add on the last bit but perfectly acceptable if you are talking to your dh/friends.

[Bowlersarm]

And she's not allowed to reply "what this old thing? I've had it years" !

[Sparklingbrook]

No Bowlers because I might then accidentally say 'Oh yes, you're right I remember you wearing it two summers ago'

[Bowlersarm]

that made me laugh-I've just made my dog jump!

[pearpotter]

I wouldn't want my short teenage puppy fat, pre-runner legs back, thanks.

[howlongwillthesunlast]

Ageingdisgracefully I disagree, i think there have always been glam, sassy older women and acknowledged as such. 'Mutton' is an entirely different concept which covers a much broader range of women or men and has nothing to do with looking glam, quite the opposite!

[Songlark]

Bowlersatm and Sparkling at last we are all agreed. It would indeed be a joyless world if we couldn't give compliments freely but not to say it to someone's face "because it isn't designed to be said that way, but I think it's perfectly acceptable to say it about somebody" Yes and that is what the whole thread was about. Give compliments freely but let it be just that. I always give a compliment when it's due, I wouldn't dream of spoiling it by adding on the "for your age" bit, but I've had it said to me lots of times, always by people younger than me.
Regarding the joyless world comment...... aren't we already half way there.

[Sparklingbrook]

It seems we are already in the joyless world, yes.

Never said that to anyone or had it said to me. I guess I need to worry that I don't look good for my age?

I tend to give compliments to my nearest and dearest who know me very well, I never comment on a strangers appearance to them. Why would I? My nearest and dearest know me and know I wouldn't say something horrible to them.

[Pomegranatemolasses]

DH is guilty of this 'for your age' business when he 'compliments' me. He never understands why I get so annoyed.

[Sparklingbrook]

LTB

[MsVestibule]

I don't understand how anybody would think it's OK to say 'for your age' to somebody's face! (Not directed at you bowlers or sparkling, I know you've said it's not OK to be directed at somebody.). But sparkling giving a genuine compliment is really not difficult!!! Using your 'dress' example, saying 'What a lovely dress' is a compliment. Saying 'What a lovely dress, it makes you look much slimmer than usual' could be construed as a backhanded compliment, so just don't add that bit.

My dad is the king of backhanded compliments, so I know what I'm talking about. One example : 'You looked nice on your wedding day... you had a very good makeup artist, didn't you?' I wouldn't mind, but I'm bloody gorgeous with or without makeup .

[Sparklingbrook]

I do know how to give a compliment MsV.

[CatthiefKeith]

I refer you to the Keanu Reeves thread. It's not just women it is directed at.

[Sparklingbrook]

I have never liked Keanu Reeves whatever age he was.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

I am the classic example of the ugly ducking.
I saw an old class mate rather than a friend. It was quite embarrassing really. I went over and said Hi insert name here. And she sAid. Sorry I don't recognize you. I said it's ghost. I was in your class at school.
To which she replied. I never would have recognised you in a million yeArs. Not saying you were a pig in school like, ghost. But let's just say you've matured very well.
So it's a fact some of us do get better looking with age.

[Sparklingbrook]

Well you now know that she was wrong to say that ghost.

[ageingdisgracefully]

howlong it's a fine line though. And there's the distinction between classical elegance and frumpdom to consider too. I think Joanie always manages to get it right, but she has a very glam, smart look which most of us would struggle to emulate. And loads of wonga, wigs and cosmetic enhancement (no doubt).

For us mortals, trying to maintain some vestige of glam and classy, whilst stylish and practical is more of a struggle. And it's so easy to step over that line into "mutton", because you tend to want to cling on to your best features as you get older. If that's your legs, it's all too easy to don a skirt that's just a bit too short. If it's your bust, very easy to go too low.

It takes time, effort, and money. It's understandable why older women end up in Hotter and elasticated slacks. It's just easier and more comfy-things that matter when you're older.

So, any older woman who gets told she looks good has really earned that compliment, imho.....

[Songlark]

I think we all know what we're on about here but it's mumsnet, if we said something was white you'd always get the odd one who says no it's black.
Sparkling just because no one has said it to you doesn't mean it doesn't get said. If I said to you, "Do you know what, I think you're really intelligent you, well for a woman anyway" would you take that as a compliment?
It's a compliment isn't it, but no the compliment was backhanded because it implied that as a woman you shouldn't be intelligent,different analogy but it's the same thing.