To think it's wrong to say someone's attractive....."for their age"

[Songlark]

I hear it said a lot about older women. Comments like "for her age she's quite attractive" or "she's good looking for her age".
I just think the age bit is irrelevant. If someone is attractive, they're attractive, why add the "for her age" bit on.

[FromSeaToShining]

It is a bit of a backhanded compliment. Reminds me of that song "You are so beautiful. . . to me."

In the southern part of the U.S., I have encountered women who are masters at this sort of non-compliment. "She's pretty in the face" was one I will always remember, said about a woman who was quite overweight (and who was in fact very attractive). These "compliments" are inevitably delivered in a sugary sweet fashion, but the implications are crystal clear. Honey-covered daggers.

[squoosh]

Nothing wrong with saying someone looks young for their age but when someone says 'they look good for their age' it implies they look good but obviously a bit withered by age. A bit like 'you're funny....for a woman'.

Just give a straight compliment.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think say nothing, ever. Just in case.

[Songlark]

Yes definitely a back handed compliment. Lovely when someone says "you don't look old enough to be a grandparent" or something like that. Perhaps I'm too touchy.

[Songlark]

Well it's not hard Sparkling if someone looks nice just say so, no need for them to add the age thing on. No need.

[Songlark]

I'm pleased that a lot of you got what I meant. Its a very thin line, the difference between a compliment such as " you don't look anywhere near old enough to have children that age"(which is nice to be told) or a backhanded one such as "for your age you are quite attractive". A world of difference, easy to misinterpret I suppose. Perhaps I'm being petty but if you're going to give a compliment, do it right I say. How hard can it be.

[Birdsgottafly]

It just reiterates how many attitudes and preconceived ideas around female ageing come under the heading of "Every day sexism".

It's a phrase that has come about because we are bombarded with the message that under 25 year old women are the most highly sought after/fancy-able, then it's on a sliding scale.

I've noticed it on reality TV, when an older woman works out/glams up, she is accused (privately) of wanting to be younger.

[Songlark]

I agree Birds there's a lot of ageism on here too.

[LadyPenny]

I'm 54 and people have said that to my face.

Doesn't bother me, I take it as a compliment.

[Floisme]

The fact that some many people of all ages consider 'young' to be a compliment - like it's some massive achievement when all you've done is not been alive very long - it's pretty depressing really.

[Sparklingbrook]

it's a proper minefield.

[OwlinaTree]

Basically pretty much anything can be taken as a compliment or as offence. See the handy guide below
You don't look old enough to have teenagers =you had children too young.
you've got a pretty face = your body is shit.
you look good for 50 = you look shit for 30.
you look well = you've put on weight.
you look good for having 5 children = that explains why you look worn out.
Quite useful when you meet your frenemies.

[Floisme]

Sparklingbrook i'm done with arguing for today but come over to Gralick's chillout thread for a beer and I'll try and explain if you want.

[Songlark]

Not really Sparkling it's very similar to someone saying to you "you've got a pretty face" if you are very over weight. Really can't understand why you think it's a minefield. A compliment should be just that, a compiment.If someone is attractive they are attractive, even if it's obvious they are of a certain age, so what, it's irrelevent and there's no need to mention the age.

[ragged]

It's only offensive if you think being attractive is desirable and important. I don't buy that anyway. If it's a throwaway comment, then qualifying by age is irrelevant. Just some random person's opinion.

[Bowlersarm]

I'm with Sparkling. You think you are saying a nice, kind thing, but no, apparently you're not. It is a minefield. Why do you think people say it? Not to be unkind, on the contrary.

[Mrsstarlord]

YANBU

[Sparklingbrook]

If I didn't mean whatever I said as a compliment I wouldn't say it. Who goes around telling people how old/awful they look?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I absolutely get what you mean but am guilty of saying it. Most recently about Charles Dance, on whom I have a wildly inappropriate crush .

[toffeeboffin]

A friend once said to me 'You'd be stunning if you were a size 10'. Turns out she was right

[Sparklingbrook]

Someone once said the back of my hair was beautiful. Make of that what you will. She did come round the front to tell me.

[Songlark]

Yes I suppose people giving back handed compliments do make it a minefield. If they didn't add irrelevant bits on it'd be all nice and straight forward. I presume that if someone said to you, "you're a good earner"for a woman, or "you're quite intelligent for a woman" you'd be insulted? Why, it's a compliment isn't it.? No it isn't and it's exactly the same thing. If that would offend you it could also be said that that is a minefield.

[squoosh]

My dad's cousin once said to my cousin 'it's so unfortunate that you inherited your mother's nose. It really ruins your face'.

She told me I was 'hefty'.

She truly is the devil's representative on earth.

[Bowlersarm]

Well I still think I have fantastic legs - for my age. And I don't care who I hear that from. I do!

[Songlark]

No Bowler if you've got good legs, you've got good legs, your age is irrelevant. lots of young ones don't. Nothing to do with age.