To think it's wrong to say someone's attractive....."for their age"

[Songlark]

I hear it said a lot about older women. Comments like "for her age she's quite attractive" or "she's good looking for her age".
I just think the age bit is irrelevant. If someone is attractive, they're attractive, why add the "for her age" bit on.

It is a bit of a backhanded compliment. Reminds me of that song "You are so beautiful. . . to me."

In the southern part of the U.S., I have encountered women who are masters at this sort of non-compliment. "She's pretty in the face" was one I will always remember, said about a woman who was quite overweight (and who was in fact very attractive). These "compliments" are inevitably delivered in a sugary sweet fashion, but the implications are crystal clear. Honey-covered daggers.

Nothing wrong with saying someone looks young for their age but when someone says 'they look good for their age' it implies they look good but obviously a bit withered by age. A bit like 'you're funny....for a woman'.

Just give a straight compliment.

I think say nothing, ever. Just in case.

Yes definitely a back handed compliment. Lovely when someone says "you don't look old enough to be a grandparent" or something like that. Perhaps I'm too touchy.

Well it's not hard Sparkling if someone looks nice just say so, no need for them to add the age thing on. No need.

I'm pleased that a lot of you got what I meant. Its a very thin line, the difference between a compliment such as " you don't look anywhere near old enough to have children that age"(which is nice to be told) or a backhanded one such as "for your age you are quite attractive". A world of difference, easy to misinterpret I suppose. Perhaps I'm being petty but if you're going to give a compliment, do it right I say. How hard can it be.

It just reiterates how many attitudes and preconceived ideas around female ageing come under the heading of "Every day sexism".

It's a phrase that has come about because we are bombarded with the message that under 25 year old women are the most highly sought after/fancy-able, then it's on a sliding scale.

I've noticed it on reality TV, when an older woman works out/glams up, she is accused (privately) of wanting to be younger.

I agree Birds there's a lot of ageism on here too.

I'm 54 and people have said that to my face.

Doesn't bother me, I take it as a compliment.

The fact that some many people of all ages consider 'young' to be a compliment - like it's some massive achievement when all you've done is not been alive very long - it's pretty depressing really.

it's a proper minefield.

Basically pretty much anything can be taken as a compliment or as offence. See the handy guide below
You don't look old enough to have teenagers =you had children too young.
you've got a pretty face = your body is shit.
you look good for 50 = you look shit for 30.
you look well = you've put on weight.
you look good for having 5 children = that explains why you look worn out.
Quite useful when you meet your frenemies.

Sparklingbrook i'm done with arguing for today but come over to Gralick's chillout thread for a beer and I'll try and explain if you want.

Not really Sparkling it's very similar to someone saying to you "you've got a pretty face" if you are very over weight. Really can't understand why you think it's a minefield. A compliment should be just that, a compiment.If someone is attractive they are attractive, even if it's obvious they are of a certain age, so what, it's irrelevent and there's no need to mention the age.

It's only offensive if you think being attractive is desirable and important. I don't buy that anyway. If it's a throwaway comment, then qualifying by age is irrelevant. Just some random person's opinion.

I'm with Sparkling. You think you are saying a nice, kind thing, but no, apparently you're not. It is a minefield. Why do you think people say it? Not to be unkind, on the contrary.

YANBU

If I didn't mean whatever I said as a compliment I wouldn't say it. Who goes around telling people how old/awful they look?

I absolutely get what you mean but am guilty of saying it. Most recently about Charles Dance, on whom I have a wildly inappropriate crush .

A friend once said to me 'You'd be stunning if you were a size 10'. Turns out she was right

Someone once said the back of my hair was beautiful. Make of that what you will. She did come round the front to tell me.

Yes I suppose people giving back handed compliments do make it a minefield. If they didn't add irrelevant bits on it'd be all nice and straight forward. I presume that if someone said to you, "you're a good earner"for a woman, or "you're quite intelligent for a woman" you'd be insulted? Why, it's a compliment isn't it.? No it isn't and it's exactly the same thing. If that would offend you it could also be said that that is a minefield.

My dad's cousin once said to my cousin 'it's so unfortunate that you inherited your mother's nose. It really ruins your face'.

She told me I was 'hefty'.

She truly is the devil's representative on earth.

Well I still think I have fantastic legs - for my age. And I don't care who I hear that from. I do!

No Bowler if you've got good legs, you've got good legs, your age is irrelevant. lots of young ones don't. Nothing to do with age.