To think it's wrong to say someone's attractive....."for their age"

[Songlark]

I hear it said a lot about older women. Comments like "for her age she's quite attractive" or "she's good looking for her age".
I just think the age bit is irrelevant. If someone is attractive, they're attractive, why add the "for her age" bit on.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

of all the guests who call in our life, beauty stays the briefest

[paxtecum]

If crepey skin, liver spots, deep wrinkles, jowls, grey hair are considered beautiful, then yes, that's me, I'm beautiful.

But they are not really are they?

The beautiful older women named on here have all had work done, even Helen Mirren.

I try to look stylish in my own style and I would be quite happy to be told I look good for my age.

[claraschu]

I think people are beautiful in different ways at different ages.

Babies and children are beautiful in a different way from young adults. Old adults are beautiful in a different way from young adults: you can see their lives, their experience, and their insight written on their faces.

I don't find people who are trying to look much older or much younger than they are particularly attractive, because I think sincerity is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. I don't feel drawn to people who look fake or forced or uncomfortable, but that is just my opinion and I know I am in a minority.

The last thing George Orwell wrote in his journal was: "At 50 everyone has the face he deserves."

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

If you have to qualify something then it's not really a compliment is it? It's saying "oh, you're actually not too bad at X considering you're actually part of a group who are."

This doesn't just have to be linked to age, consider:
"You're very funny, for a girl"
"You're a good listener, for a bloke"
"You're very attractive, for a black woman"
"You're very open minded, for a religious person"
"You're very generous, for a Jew"
"You're very good looking, for your age"

[StellaAlpina]

I think it sounds rude if you say it to someone's face.
Tbh I think I've only heard it when people are describing celebrities, more male ones than female ones ectually. Like when you sort of fancy them but wouldn't go out with them in RL (if you ever were lucky enough to meet them!) because they are actually 20 years older than you.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Tbh with the millions spent on face creams to reduce wrinkles and age spots etc etc etc people are trying to look good for their age and are conscious of the "ravages" of time. I know I looked "better" when I was 30 but I am also more comfortable in my skin and confident than I was when I was young and free etc.

So if I see someone my age who could be described as looking younger than their years I may compliment them on that if i know them well and know it will be taken in the spirit it is meant. I will also say if they have a nice top or if their haircut suits them or they have a nice pair of new specs. I see it for what it is a recognition that when you turn 40 and your body starts to feel like an enemy (I have back and joint issues that are getting chronic) if someone says" you are looking young" when I am feeling particularly decrepit then I would probs like hearing it - shallow and unimportant though it may be.

[MrsTedCrilly]

I think it's because most older people do tend to let themselves go in general, both men and women.. So someone 60+ who looks good really stands out. I'm always saying it to my 70 year old mum and she is always so chuffed, she replies "Aww you do wonders for my confidence!" It's acknowledging that they've looked after themselves which is more of an achievement as you get older.

[Crossfitmyarse]

I think an attractive person is an attractive person irrespective of their age, but some people do look particularly good and well preserved when compared to most other people of the same age, so I think it's a fair comment, although I can see why it might sound backhanded to some.

[Songlark]

I really should have battered her with my baguette and she should have closed her till and refused to serve Why would you think that getdownshep, that's a lovely compliment and I love it if someone says such a thing to me. No relevance to this thread though, not what I'm on about at all.
Wasn't there a thread not so long ago about posters who either,
Don't read the thread properly and so say things that are far from what the OP is saying.
Do read it properly but choose to misconstrue the thread and then try to make the OP look stupid by ridiculing her words.

[ageingdisgracefully]

howlong I agree about dress sense, and buying what suits within a sense of style. But I also think that, as a woman ages, it's more difficult to buy clothes that suit changing body shapes, which is why, I think, you need to spend a bit more. For example, I can get away with jeggings from Matalan, but I wouldn't buy knitwear from Peacocks, because I think it looks shabby quite quickly. Equally, I wouldn't buy something in Per Una either, because a lot of their clothes are unnecessarily frilly (and therefore frumpy). I've bought a few bits from Phase Eight, but I generally find their stuff frumpy too (not sure why).

So I usually end up in longish vests, jeggings or thicker leggings, nicer quality knitwear and short or unstructured jackets (to accommodate bigger arms). I don't wear dresses or skirts because I cant find enough comfortable, stylish (and heeled) shoes to justify it.

So I wear what everyone else wears, but I have to be far more careful about the fit, and the fabric.

[getdownshep]

I was chatting to the woman putting my shopping through the till at Tesco

[howlongwillthesunlast]

ageing I agree, its a VERY fine line. I think mutton and frumpy are actually more to do with not being 'body aware' and having 'style' ? i always say just because something is your size does not mean you should buy it! it seems some people get this really confused and think, 'if I'm as slim as my 14 yr old daughter, then i can wear her clothes' or 'Dungarees are very comfortable, lets wear it to the dinner party'.

There are lots rich celebrities who don't have any dress sense and end up looking like mutton (Madonna being a cease in point!) and lots of ordinary folk that look really classy, though their clothes may not be all expensive. I don't think its about money, more about dress sense.

[Songlark]

I think we all know what we're on about here but it's mumsnet, if we said something was white you'd always get the odd one who says no it's black.
Sparkling just because no one has said it to you doesn't mean it doesn't get said. If I said to you, "Do you know what, I think you're really intelligent you, well for a woman anyway" would you take that as a compliment?
It's a compliment isn't it, but no the compliment was backhanded because it implied that as a woman you shouldn't be intelligent,different analogy but it's the same thing.

[ageingdisgracefully]

howlong it's a fine line though. And there's the distinction between classical elegance and frumpdom to consider too. I think Joanie always manages to get it right, but she has a very glam, smart look which most of us would struggle to emulate. And loads of wonga, wigs and cosmetic enhancement (no doubt).

For us mortals, trying to maintain some vestige of glam and classy, whilst stylish and practical is more of a struggle. And it's so easy to step over that line into "mutton", because you tend to want to cling on to your best features as you get older. If that's your legs, it's all too easy to don a skirt that's just a bit too short. If it's your bust, very easy to go too low.

It takes time, effort, and money. It's understandable why older women end up in Hotter and elasticated slacks. It's just easier and more comfy-things that matter when you're older.

So, any older woman who gets told she looks good has really earned that compliment, imho.....

[Sparklingbrook]

Well you now know that she was wrong to say that ghost.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

I am the classic example of the ugly ducking.
I saw an old class mate rather than a friend. It was quite embarrassing really. I went over and said Hi insert name here. And she sAid. Sorry I don't recognize you. I said it's ghost. I was in your class at school.
To which she replied. I never would have recognised you in a million yeArs. Not saying you were a pig in school like, ghost. But let's just say you've matured very well.
So it's a fact some of us do get better looking with age.

[Sparklingbrook]

I have never liked Keanu Reeves whatever age he was.

[CatthiefKeith]

I refer you to the Keanu Reeves thread. It's not just women it is directed at.

[Sparklingbrook]

I do know how to give a compliment MsV.

[MsVestibule]

I don't understand how anybody would think it's OK to say 'for your age' to somebody's face! (Not directed at you bowlers or sparkling, I know you've said it's not OK to be directed at somebody.). But sparkling giving a genuine compliment is really not difficult!!! Using your 'dress' example, saying 'What a lovely dress' is a compliment. Saying 'What a lovely dress, it makes you look much slimmer than usual' could be construed as a backhanded compliment, so just don't add that bit.

My dad is the king of backhanded compliments, so I know what I'm talking about. One example : 'You looked nice on your wedding day... you had a very good makeup artist, didn't you?' I wouldn't mind, but I'm bloody gorgeous with or without makeup .

[Sparklingbrook]

LTB

[Pomegranatemolasses]

DH is guilty of this 'for your age' business when he 'compliments' me. He never understands why I get so annoyed.

[Sparklingbrook]

It seems we are already in the joyless world, yes.

Never said that to anyone or had it said to me. I guess I need to worry that I don't look good for my age?

I tend to give compliments to my nearest and dearest who know me very well, I never comment on a strangers appearance to them. Why would I? My nearest and dearest know me and know I wouldn't say something horrible to them.

[Songlark]

Bowlersatm and Sparkling at last we are all agreed. It would indeed be a joyless world if we couldn't give compliments freely but not to say it to someone's face "because it isn't designed to be said that way, but I think it's perfectly acceptable to say it about somebody" Yes and that is what the whole thread was about. Give compliments freely but let it be just that. I always give a compliment when it's due, I wouldn't dream of spoiling it by adding on the "for your age" bit, but I've had it said to me lots of times, always by people younger than me.
Regarding the joyless world comment...... aren't we already half way there.

[howlongwillthesunlast]

Ageingdisgracefully I disagree, i think there have always been glam, sassy older women and acknowledged as such. 'Mutton' is an entirely different concept which covers a much broader range of women or men and has nothing to do with looking glam, quite the opposite!