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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have this baby (don't flame me please)

150 replies

wanderthroughthedaisies · 13/04/2015 12:03

I'm nearly 33. Have been pregnant twice previously; first one was adopted, second one I terminated at 8 weeks.

No family. No partner.

On the plus side I'm financially okay - not rich but won't get anything in benefits (apart from child benefit.)

what do you think?

OP posts:

cookiefiend · 13/04/2015 18:12

Everyone wants to give their child the "perfect" childhood. I doubt anyone can. If you waited until you were able to do that you would never have a child. There are compromises to be made everywhere. I grew up in a not nice area with divorced parents- I had a great childhood, but not the stuff of Shirley Hughes books. My mother loves me unconditionally. Because there was just me I was (and probably still am) the centre of her universe. That was so much more important than any of the money and house things.

You sound like a lovely person. If you don't want to have a baby then don't. But if you want to have one and are worried about material items don't- you are the most important thing in making your child's childhood special.

zzzzz · 13/04/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 13/04/2015 18:33

Good Luck OP. Whatever you decide. We don't know you but you know yourself. Your experiences have probably made you stronger than you realise.

AccordingtoSteve · 13/04/2015 19:07

Have just tried to PM you OP but it wont let me (why is this, anyone?)

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 19:10

Is there a response when you try to PM ?

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 13/04/2015 19:11

You sound really cool OP. I hope you have this baby, as the impression I get from your posts is that you really want him/her. And that you would be a good mum. That's just the vibe that I get.

Purplepoodle · 13/04/2015 19:12

Havnt read all the reponses. I wouldn't be worried about childcare ect, that wouldn't be in my decision radar. We all make choices, if u choose to carry on with pregnancy you get to make the choices of the type of mum you will be and u will make friends. My best mum friends are completely different to me but we are still friends.

Suppose it's more, do you want your life to change? Weird friends doesn't mean bad friends. You don't have to be all suburban to have children.

I was the most unmaternal person you could have met until my dc and had no experience at all with children. Children are a different life that's all.

As long as you love your baby and put it first you can't go to wrong.

AmyLeeha · 13/04/2015 19:13

OP the greatest discovery I made as a new mother was that children don't work according to spreadsheets!

You sound like you'd be a lovely mother and that's regardless of whether it's to this baby or something else.

As for not fitting in, I don't and sometimes it can be a bit lonely, the upshot is that you really are free to NOT fit in, which means you can avoid some of the constraints others feel because they do or are trying hard to. And when you make friends with other mothers, you can really just be yourself.

Maybe if you go ahead with this you might like to build up a friendship network - or at least acquaintance- of other mothers. And there is sometimes support in places you don't think of, like doulas (or trainees if your funds are tight). You'll be a single parent, but you don't have to be alone in it.

Good luck with whichever decision you choose.

AccordingtoSteve · 13/04/2015 19:23

AF, it says this user is currently unable to receive PM's

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 19:35

that is odd, Steve

lotsofcheese · 13/04/2015 19:38

Sometimes, a parenting website is the worst place to ask for advice - it's hardly going to be impartial!

Agree with suggestions of counselling for OP.

Northernlurker · 13/04/2015 19:38

OP - it's very tough being pregnant when you didn't plan to be. Been there, worn those shoes.
I agree with those who say that some impartial counselling would be helpful, especially as you've suffered a lot of loss in your life and have little RL support available to you. I also feel I need to suggest that a STD check would be a good idea. I am not judging you in any way or implying anything by saying that. It's just something that's needed after an episode of unprotected sex.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer a child and maybe this is your baby. They don't come by the routes that we expect. They come when it's time. Nobody can tell you what's right or wrong. Only you can know that and whilst you talk about making a decision quickly, please, please don't do that. Give yourself at least a few days to let all the thoughts have their own space.

saoirse31 · 13/04/2015 19:58

You know what op, having a baby and rearing a child is not actually rocket science despite the massive amount of books and media about it. If you want to have the baby, have him or her. I would imagine you will manage perfectly well which means of course there'll be plenty ups and downs which you'll more than likely cope with.

If we all decided not to have a baby before we knew the price of childminders and this and that who'd ever have a baby?

Do what you think is best for you and tbh remember my opinion isn't important or the rest. Yours is only one that matters.

Good luck whatever you decide.

DuckChowMein · 13/04/2015 20:02

You've still got plenty of time for the big house and the Labrador. Sometimes we just have to do everything in a different order to what we'd planned.

I'd second the sti test, that's a good call. And talking things through with someone like bpas might be helpful for you.

If you want this baby i'm sure you'll be able to make it work (with or without spreadsheets )

Lottieismydog · 13/04/2015 20:24

OP you sound lovely, confused and worried! All perfectly normal feelings. FWIW there is no such thing as the perfect parent, we all make mistakes, make sacrifices OR don't make sacrifices sometimes, and we all try to love our DC as much as we can. Go with your heart, if you decide to go ahead you will learn as you go (we all do, somehow). Good luck whatever you decide xx

ipswichwitch · 13/04/2015 20:27

IMO the sort of person who worries that much about wether they'd be a good mother pretty much will be. I mean, you obviously care given that you are thinking so much about it.

I don't fit in either. I get accused of being posh cos I'm not from here (really I'm a long long way from posh!). I bf both of mine, and I live in an area with one of the lowest rates of bf in the country, so I got a fair few stares when I went to some of the baby groups! I am also fairly weird. That's all ok. I love my DC and keep them fed, safe and cuddled. They are happy, and so am I, so not much else really matters.

QTPie · 13/04/2015 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SummerHouse · 13/04/2015 20:55

OP you would totally fit in, in my world. And so would you Ipswich

Lyinginwait888 · 13/04/2015 21:08

I have many many spreadsheets. This has just made me overanxious and depressed.

ConfusedInBath · 13/04/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BifsWif · 13/04/2015 21:21

You sound lovely OP, and I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mother. Best of luck

MrsMook · 13/04/2015 22:42

I'm not sure I'm ready for the commitment of owning pets, but I've managed to get two children off to a decent start. Even in the best of circumstances, the realisation that you are pregnant is a terrifying thing.

Should you decide to continue, the unconditional love is a very powerful thing for helping you through.

You can build your own support network of friends. Many people are isolated from family these days. Children's centres will often have groups targeted for people needing a bit more support or confidence.

This may not have been your plan, but that's not necessarily a reason for this not to be your time if that's something you want.

Most people make a decent job of parenting, and most muddle through.

bananayellow · 13/04/2015 23:07

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. A good parent is someone who wants to try, and appreciates that sometimes we will get it right and sometimes we get it completely wrong. But is willing to learn from mistakes.

All we can do is do the best we can. It is a scary thought, being responsible for someone else, when previously we have only had to be concerned about ourselves. It is daunting, but the rewards it can bring are totally unimaginable. Your own child is totally different to all the other children that have crossed your paths previously. Look at how Simon Cowell is portrayed to have been anti children but is now said to be the happiest and most fulfilled he's ever been.

Yes it may be hard, there may be hurdles to cross, you may have to give up things, but you will be going into the future with a trusting little hand to hold. Experiencing the wonder of life through your child's eyes.

I'm not saying you should go ahead and have this child. That is a decision only you can make. But it is hard to imagine the joy and fulfilment a child can bring. Imagine yourself in your old age. Will you have regrets with whatever decision you make?

Good luck with whatever you choose. There is no right or wrong answer.

Lyinginwait888 · 14/04/2015 11:01

confused because no matter how much I plan or try and get organised it just doesn't work. Life is so much better when I can just relax and take whatever happens in my stride. It doesn't come easily to me. I just stress everything and despite all this my kids are great! I've missed parts of childhood just worrying about everything and making endless lists.

I don't think the spreadsheet organised mum is anything to aspire to (for me)!

OP I hope you reach a decision that you can be happy with. Good luck!

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 11:23

oh dear you are getting a hard time

when I found out I was pregnant I was on my own and have been since (ds has good relationship with his dad now), I knew I was going to lose my job (which I did) , everything seemed against me my ex was awful towards me and we worked together and I was very much on my own my friends were supportive but they had there own lives

but it has all turned out fine. I did not fit in at times but that is ok as I feel ok by not fitting into a group. at times it has been very hard but things fall into place and now things are really great

having a child makes everything different but being a mother does not mean that you only have to think of your child you are important too

and planning everything out with spreadsheets I am far too laid back to even want to think about it yet all has worked out well

the thing is you have to let go of trying to be in total control and relax a little, not everything may go to plan and that's ok as something far better may come out of things not going to plan

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