to have this baby (don't flame me please)

[wanderthroughthedaisies]

I'm nearly 33. Have been pregnant twice previously; first one was adopted, second one I terminated at 8 weeks.

No family. No partner.

On the plus side I'm financially okay - not rich but won't get anything in benefits (apart from child benefit.)

what do you think?

O/p, I suggest you get some counselling first, from proper professionals, rather than randoms on t'internet.

Fwiw, I do think that post came across very patronising, to say the least. Are you ready to give up your make up and nice clothes and pretty things so your child doesn't go without shoes-seriously?

Sorry, OP, didn't RTFT properly. I can see that you're very undecided, not simply asking if it will be OK to go ahead, so "go for it" may be very unhelpful. This won't be much help either, but it seems very likely that whatever you decide you will have done so with much forethought and consideration. And if you DO go ahead, it sounds like you're in a fine position to do so. All the best.

Why would anyone think that of me?

they don't.

Look OP, I am truly sorry if you have taken offence where none was intended at any of the comments/Qs I have posted. The risk you take of posting online is that someone takes things the wrong way. Obviously you have a big decision to make and I think maybe you need to talk it through with someone in RL who actually KNOWS you, rather than people who don't and can only give you their stories which might be set in a very different context to your own situation.

FWIW I am not judging you at all and was only trying to help you to think everything through.

I have had first hand experience of having to terminate - at 20 weeks. I was lucky in that DH & I made the decision together, and we did this because of an extreme medical diagnosis in our baby who was unlikely even to survive to term. It was still blooming hard.

I also have family experience of children being taken into care becuase their mother did not cope at all. This was a woman with no family support, who had got pg deliberately, not told the father, moved on, had the baby, had it removed. Several times. I'm NOT saying you are like her either but she was one of the people who likes the idea of having a baby, but is unable to care for them properly. Her third child was fathered by my DB who found out when the courts contacted him about the toddler being taken into care due to neglect, saying he had been named as the father and offering him a paternity test. He stepped up to the mark and now has full custody. He did not even know about her previous kids.

I've taught kids of single mums who have been really struggling to cope, BUT I've also taught kids with fantastic single mums, or those who've been taken on by a wonderful step father figure. There is no one rule fits all cases.

All I was trying to say was it is absolutely YOUR decision, either way, but it is a huge lifechanging one and one you should go into with your eyes wide opening and not assuming it will all be a lovely fairytale and without a lot of sacrifices on your part.

I sincerely hope you have support from a friend in RL who you can confide in and discuss this with, who will support you whatever you decide to do.

I can see why youre scared, but youre in a very different place than you were the other times. The way you write, it looks like you feel that you dont deserve to have the baby and are wanting to be convinced. You do deserve to be happy, and You do deserve to have this baby if thats what you want to do x

Some very harsh responses on here.

I am a single mum. It is not what I imagined I would be. I dreaded telling people. I was afraid what would happen. I would like to have more money. I wish I could afford to buy a house. But, everything has been fine, more than fine. Of course it is not easy doing it alone. But even so, these years as a mum have been te happiest of my life, and I have had a happy life. You never quite know what is round the corner. It is really easy to meet people on maternity leave, and H or P aside, everyone is in the same boat at the beginning, various degrees of clueless and exhausted.

I have never once regretted my decision to keep my baby for even a second.

Deep down I believe you know what is the right decision for you.

I am not religious, but my baby was a blessing for me, and has brought so much joy, to me and my family. And so much washing

No, thank you, you're right and I over-reacted. It's just - goodness, I don't even know how to explain myself but I'll have a go :)

The underlying message under a lot of questions isn't "what is the answer" but "have you thought about this" and the truth is, yes. Having had two pregnancies now, it's fair to say I have thought more than most about every possible pitfall of special needs, of estrangement, of resentful bitter children demanding petulantly for milk, for toys, for clothes, iPads, then their father in turn. I've thought about money, thought about time, thought about X and Y and Z and A and B and C. Every one of these leads me to the Marie Stopes clinic.

Then a tiny voice says just maybe all I need is to have her and love her and let what will be will be on a crossing the bridge basis. I've mapped my life out and gone the wrong way and still enjoyed the view, after all.

That sounds as if I mind being asked questions; I really, truthfully don't - but there's a difference between a question and a judgement, I suppose. If I "read" that post wrong then I am sorry but - well, there were a lot of questions.

I need to think.

I think if you are going to have this baby you need to look into some counselling while you're pregnant to sort your head out. That post was a bit patronising but they're relevant questions and if your response is a childish 'I don't know cos I'll probably terminate' then it seems like you have some growing up to do. It's a response I'd expect to hear from a teenager, not a grown woman.

wander you can do it, if you are determined and want to.

You said you have friends who might be able to support you and you will be able still be to meet new ones. Lots of parents meet life long supportive through parenting groups and play groups. You could join NCT for example.

You have property and are employed, this gives you some financial security.

AND you don't actually need permission from MN or anyone else...

Fwiw, I do think that post came across very patronising, to say the least. Are you ready to give up your make up and nice clothes and pretty things so your child doesn't go without shoes-seriously?
that was me and hands up, reading it back it sounds a lot worse than I intended.

sadly though society is littered with parents who are frankly not prepared to make sacrifices for their kids. AND also plenty of parents who HAVE taken on that yes they will do whatever it takes, go without themselves and maybe struggle quite a lot and have a huge change of lifestyle, in order to put their child first 100% of the time. I should have made that point clearer. Once again OP, sorry, no hurt was itended.

Phantom thank you and I accept all that. Just the same, can you accept that the post you made could have been worded differently? Imagine if you had said - Are you the sort of person who enjoys smoking 20 a day and having White Cider every night? If so, what will you do when your child needs shoes? I bet everyone would have pointed out that it was judgemental and silly.

Substitute "going out and make up" for fags and White Lightning and you'll have it

I wear foundation and mascara. Naice brands naturally. Just the same they are a tiny percentage of my monthly expenditure, probably averaging less than £10 a month. I don't "go out" as such although I do sometimes go somewhere for a few days/weeks/months. Would I miss that if I had a child - no, probably not. I have adapted to far more than sacrificing a few nights away

X post Phantom and thanks for acknowledging that. I in turn apologise for going off the deep end somewhat. (I sometimes wonder if a list of 'red rag to a bull' topics to childless women in their 30s should be posted somewhere!)

I think Everyone worries they won't be a good mum, OP.

Sssh don't tell anyone but I have DC and wear a face full of make up. Even wore makeup in hospital...

Me: DD, have you done your GCSE revision, to prepare for these very important exams ?

DD (16): why are you asking me these questions, you are patronising me !

Me: because I want you to be prepared for what is ahead

DD: I am going to fail anyway, I might as well give up now, so I'm not doing it !

Echoes of past conversations...

Have the baby or don't, but it certainly should not be reliant on a bunch of strangers saying something to you in the slightly wrong way. You need some counselling from professionals, lovey, this isn't they at all. Good luck whatever you decide.

Cailin - I don't want counselling, but thank you. This is a decision I will reach I daresay within forty eight hours and it is a decision that is not right or wrong, it is just a decision.

My point was, I haven't looked at childminder fees because I never thought I would have a child and my first thought was that I would terminate again; I thought I would have to.

I started idly toying with keeping it and then posted on here.

I do tend to panic when I feel others are judging me and I did feel judged; I won't press on about that because it is sorted now but unfortunately the temptation is to say "right then, I will terminate!" to stop the judgement. It isn't a pleasant thing to experience, or to feel.

isn't the way

OP it sounds like you haven't got anyone in real life who has given you positive vibes about your potential as a mother?

Your default setting seems to be 'no' but it sounds like part of you really wants a child, this child, in fact.

I will say now I've been pregnant without a partner or any real prospects and considered abortion very seriously, mainly because everyone else told me to - but in the end my default setting was to protect the tiny thing inside me that my whole body was working on trying to protect - and so I didn't terminate and well, in the end there's almost always a happy ending with a baby

I think you ought to go ahead and have it. You are in a good position to financially, you're sensible and intelligent. And the baby is already there.

Do you have anyone - friends, family etc - who will support your decision if you decide to go ahead?

I read the doing without post slightly differently possibly in part because i'm not full of pregnancy hormones, definately because i'm a step away. I think sometimes we project from our own direct experiences when we post. i've had days where having children has led me to tears and thoughts of I used to have a wardrobe full of lovely clothes, a newish car, eat out when I wanted, always dressed up to go out. I don't regret my choices - whats the point life moves in one direction, but thats not to say there aren't fleeting moments of memories things past. A bit of a grasses greener moment.

Some mums don't go out, some have an active social life, some never use childcare, some have two or three nannies for one child. some retain a perfect figure, don't get stretch marks, have a child that sleeps through pretty much from day one, always are perfectly presented. Some have lots of family support, many don't. Many do a damned good job.

Its your choice which combination of things you want to go for. Its your body to make the decission about. I couldn't guess the cost of childcare. Frankly if I'd had too much info before having my children I don't think I'd have had them.

I hope that someone can give you some real life attention to help you work out what works best for you so which ever way you go, you go knowing its right for you.

There is probably some truth in that AF

I don't think people are trying to insinuate you're the kind of parent that would let their kids go without due to their own selfishness - more just trying to encourage you to think of it realistically and practically.

Personally I don't know how i would have coped without the support of my oh and family but women do it all the time, it's doable. If you want a baby, have a baby.

Any if you are not a professional how can you seriously prescribe counselling for her?

People are known to have the odd wobble.

AF - I quite liked 'this isn't they at all' I thought you had gone redneck on us.

Is you is, or is you ain't?

Purple - I don't want to bang on about it (honestly!) but there was an insinuation that, as a childless woman my only interests are therefore how I look and my social life. It was that I was at. As I've said, if someone had posted "well you'll have to give up the fags and booze!" I think - hope anyway! - someone would have pointed out that it was a post littered in assumptions.

I don't know what I want is the honest answer and have to admit I am leaning slightly towards terminating the pregnancy.

You are allowed to fall in love with your baby OP.