to have this baby (don't flame me please)

[wanderthroughthedaisies]

I'm nearly 33. Have been pregnant twice previously; first one was adopted, second one I terminated at 8 weeks.

No family. No partner.

On the plus side I'm financially okay - not rich but won't get anything in benefits (apart from child benefit.)

what do you think?

God, I didn't have a clue about childminders, or the cost of babygros, or formula, or where I'd live, or what to do with a kid AT ALL when I got pregnant! And I was freelancing! And frivolous - before I got pregnant, spending all my pocket money on beer and fags.

Somehow I managed. And it really wasn't that bad. I'm a pretty good, loving parent. And sometimes I even resist spunking my money on cheap wine and manage to buy the kids food. Honestly OP, you would be fine. Don't let the naysayers on this group (who obviously had spreadsheets on costs etc before they started TTC) put you off.

I ain't wot you fink I is ! < slaps back of neck >

If this was a friend of mine, or even my daughter ( ) I would seriously recommend that she go have some non judgemental pregnancy counselling such as from these people

it's a big choice to make with massive consequences either way, that is all people are saying

"as a woman in your thirties you are supposed to be stable and married and have a husband and baby and if you haven't, you are either deemed immature (going out and make up and clothes) or lacking in some other way."

utter rubbish.. I was married in my 30's but didnt have a baby, am now divorced, in my 40's, in a much better happier relationship and still dont have a baby...

If you have this child, it may well have brothers and sisters if you do meet someone and then have more family.. all first children start out as only children.

If you dont have this child, then you have plenty of time to meet someone, and have children with them.

Dont do anything because you feel it has to conform to what society views as "the norm".

God the amount I spend on chocolate would probably buy us a character building foreign holiday every year.

(although I have to say, despite my "oh make your own bloody mind up" knee jerk response above, would still be erring on the side of "have this baby" after all OP has said)

I have something in my eye.

I have gone through more than a lot of people. Not just the baby being adopted but before that losing my mum and then I lost my dad ... I'm used to getting on with things, making a mess out of them, but just doing them, somehow.

It's just - I want to be someone who has a spreadsheet before TTC. I want a big house and garden with swings and a Labrador. I want a Labrador. And private school and a childhood like a Shirley Hughes book. I want that so much.

No, I won't spend money on makeup not shoes but I'll probably not fit in. I'll either be too middle class for one world and "talk posh" (am constantly being accused of this ) and wear it in a sling and never put it down and breastfeed until it's 6 and all that. But then I won't fit in with the posh yummy mummies either as am single and have weird friends and can't afford private school and sign petitions and make petitions and annoy the local MP and won't eat meat and - what AM I wittering on about.

FWIW it was a condom failure with a Kiwi (as in NZ-er, not fruit.)

Buying makeup doesnâ??t make you a shit parent. Or doing something for you now and again doesn't make you a shit parent. It probably makes you a better one in many ways.
Make the decision that is best for you. Which is easy to say and hard to do.
If I knew you in real life, I would hold your hand and help you through whatever path you choose.
I hope you have a friend in real life to do that for you.

I can honestly say that I worry every day that I'm going to turn out to be a rubbish mum. I don't dwell on it and the thought is usually fleeting, but its there.

My dc are 7 and 4. I've made mistakes along the way. But I have also got a damn load right. That's what it is all about.

Your choice is yours. But you don't have to terminate this pregnancy if you don't want to. You do not need approval from anyone to allow this pregnancy to continue.

Well from a random on 't'interweb from the point of view of "what is the answer", I think you should have the baby. I think it sounds like you have thought about the issues PPs have raised. I think it sounds like you want this baby. I think it sounds like you would cope. I think you have a lot of love to give.

Of course this is all only what I think, based on a few random posts, a few words on a screen. But FWIW it's my opinion.

Oh dear lady, if we were all honest, few of us had a real clue what having children would bring to our lives or take from it and looking back, if the person we were before children really understood what it would mean, we might not have chosen to have them.

Really, all you need is to choose to love the child you choose to have and to rind yourself as often as you can that for the most part, much of what we do is a choice and we make the most of what life throws at us. Good luck, take care and trust your judgement.

(ignore this bit if you want to but think about heading over to the adoption section and think about letting your daughter find you.)

And we could all do with a bit of counselling from time to time just to deal with the baggage that comes along with life, it's a good thing to do regardless of your circumstances!)

OP, you sound fab. You really do.

Some of the most fabulous, wonderful, lovely people defy any sort of convention and are fabulous because of this. Be who you are, raise your child to be who he or she is, accept some days you will want to throw your baby out of the window but at the same time will be running down to catch her before she comes to any harm, and you'll be fine.

Promise.

x

thank you. Not sure about the fab part, it must be said - but we shall see!

My birth daughter was born 17 years ago this month. In another year she can find me if she chooses to. That all seems very long ago. Essentially what happened was I was very young (15) and seeking affection after my mother died and my father was too consumed in his own grief to notice mine. I went into denial and was nearly 30 weeks before my pregnancy became "public knowledge" so to speak.

Your past bad experiences wander can be the things that make you an excellent Mother.
Motherhood will make you care a lot less about what other people think of you, you will know what are the right decisions for you and your child, you won't care what other people's opinions are of this.

The things I believed I would fail in have turned out to be quite the opposite in reality.

Good luck with your decision wander.

OP, you might want to think about posting in "pregnancy choices" under body & soul.

AIBU is maybe not the place sometimes. I have never been brave enough to ask anything in AIBU

"If you have no nephews etc, no friends with DC, do you have any experince of loking after a baby/child or hearing other parents let off steam about how much hard work and how expensive it is?

No."

Neither did I. My children survived all the same and I love them nonetheless. It's not been easy but don't let anyone insinuate that you will fail because holding dinner parties has been more your thing than holding babies up til now because that's bollocks.

I think your child, if you decide to keep him or her, will be very lucky to have such an articulate, thoughtful, spirited mother.

By the way, I never got the big house but we had the swings in the garden and the Labrador. They were more important. :)

Agree with lots of cheese. All us gobshites on AIBU probably have each something in our respective eyes right now.
Hope things go well.

Op I think you sound clever, witty, thoughtful and funny.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with dd. My circumstances should have predicted it was a huge mistake. It wasn't...dd is 14 and the best thing I ever did.

Don't make hasty decisions. Your uncertainty is completely normal, even with a much wanted pregnancy.
Give yourself thinking time. If you want to do this, you can.

If you want the baby have it. Work out the rest along the way -that's what every parent ends up doing (even the ones with spreadsheets!). Good luck with whatever you decide.

Oh hell, I don't 'fit in' either! The happy marriage, nice big house etc train passed me by. I am on the muddling through one as a single parent of two DC.

You have a job, a house and you have come to the right place for advice on having a baby. If you want the baby, you sound perfectly well placed to be a great mum. All the very best and confratulations

Congratulations, even!

You also dont have to "fit in" with the stereotypes.. it sounds like you have good friends, it doesnt matter if they are not stereotypical either.

I have never fitted in with the norm.. and I never will but I have finally come to terms with that, and I am happy in my own skin, I no longer care what other people think. I was also adopted, and have no brothers or sisters, my adopted parents are both dead (dad when I was 24, mum when I was 38), and I have no other relatives.

You are still very young and there are going to be plenty of life changes to come yet.

OP - BPAS (british pregnancy advisory service) do really good non-directive counselling, so you can talk through your thoughts and feelings and make the decision that you really want to. It isn't counselling "to sort your head out", it is just a really helpful way to make sure you make the right decision for you.

When I first got pregnant I knew nothing about babies, childcare, childminders or pretty much anything, I just knew I would love the baby I had and would look after it to the best of my ability. The rest of it you learn about as you go along.

I hope you make the right choice for you.

My first baby was not planned. I always think he was meant to be and he found a way. All the best op. This is the best rollercoaster in the world.

... And I did not know I would love the baby. I hoped against hope that I would but in pregnancy I had no maternal feelings at all. Fair to say I fell pretty hard in love once he was out. I spent one night repeating in a loop in my head "thank you god" and I don't even believe in god!

To make this choice, shoes are irrelevant, childminder fees -irrelevant, White Lightening and fags -irrelevant. Even your previous pregnancies, the father and your lack of support don't matter at this stage.

All that matters now is simple do you want to be somebody's mum?

All the rest of it, the support, the childminders, the shoes or whatever things hold importance in your life can be worked on when the time comes.

Reading your posts, OP, I hope you don't mind me saying, you sound terrified. (Again, sorry if I'm reading you wrongly.) You sound terrified not about the practicalities of motherhood but of the emotional fall out, that you will or you won't love this baby. Is this fear justified, based on fact or your previous experiences or is it just fear of the unknown? Is there something you can do that will help with this fear? (I guess that's why some people have suggested counselling.) Remember, nobody has ever known how they would feel about their child when they are pregnant and no two pregnancies, births or babies are the same. In the end we all have to go with gut feeling. So that's what I suggest you do. Go with your deep gut feeling about being a mum.

PS I use the term 'mum' to mean primary carer who is bringing up a child. Hope that's OK. Of course as a birth mother you are a mother in some important but different ways from the way you are considering with this baby.

Good luck whatever you decide.