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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have this baby (don't flame me please)

150 replies

wanderthroughthedaisies · 13/04/2015 12:03

I'm nearly 33. Have been pregnant twice previously; first one was adopted, second one I terminated at 8 weeks.

No family. No partner.

On the plus side I'm financially okay - not rich but won't get anything in benefits (apart from child benefit.)

what do you think?

OP posts:
DancingDays · 13/04/2015 12:36

Congratulations OPThanks

I have 3 DC without a partner or family. It's fine. Sometimes it's hard but other times its fantastic. I can choose my own traditions and ways of doing things. My DCs have a strong sense of community and have lots of opportunity to meet elderly/other families etc.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Icimoi · 13/04/2015 12:36

Is the father around, does he know, and will he support you?

businesshoursareover · 13/04/2015 12:38

Of course you should keep it, why would anyone flame you?

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 12:39

Where is the father? I'm guessing there must be one. I would flame you if you are choosing to not tell him.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/04/2015 12:41

So at the moment do you have a good stable job that you would be able to keep? Do you comfortably have excess money to put aside at the end of every month/week, plus an emergency fund for the unseen? Have you looked at local child minders rates? Do you take pride in your appearance (hair/makeup/nice clothes?) Do you do a lot of going out with your friends? Are you prepared to consider sacrifcing some or all of the things you currently take for granted, on a regular basis, when DC needs new shoes or there is a school trip to pay for on top of weekly expenses?

If you have no nephews etc, no friends with DC, do you have any experince of loking after a baby/child or hearing other parents let off steam about how much hard work and how expensive it is?

What about the father? He and the child have rights to know about each other. What if he wants to be involved? It's still your choice, but other peoples lives are affected too.

You have to really really want this baby AND be aware of the financial and practical implications for the future.

Yeasayer · 13/04/2015 12:50

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. Totally agree with what Phanto said, however you have time to think about these things & make plans now. Start researching local baby groups or find out if there's any mum-to-be groups so you can start working on a support network. Research childcare options (nursery, childminders, friends who may help out). Think about your job; does it allow you to be flexible, if not can you change it? Having a baby is life-changing, hard, sometimes isolating but it's also the most amazing, rewarding thing. You've obviously made some very tough choices in the past, but that shouldn't mean you should doubt your capabilities to raise this baby.

toffeeboffin · 13/04/2015 12:58

Congratulations! Of course you should have the baby! Biscuit Thanks

Original poster
wanderthroughthedaisies · 13/04/2015 13:03

no, I don't know anything about children. Other than having one hurts :) nor do I know anything about local childminders.

obviously, if my child wanted to go on a school trip and I wanted new shoes, the child's trip would come first - Hmm - I might be a clueless idiot but I am slightly - in fact very - put out by some of the questions being fired at me.

the father of the child was a man I met abroad and I have no way of contacting him.

OP posts:
glasgowlass · 13/04/2015 13:04

Congratulations!
No flaming here. If you feel able to provide for this baby & feel that you are ready to be a parent then go for it. To hell with what anyone else thinks/says. If the father didn't want to be involved then that's up to him, if he does then best to start talking about arrangements etc before baby is born.
You will need some form of support from somewhere so research childcare options/ local groups etc.
Best of luck Flowers

SloanePeterson · 13/04/2015 13:09

I'll be totally honest. I have a son whose dad doesn't want to know him, he left when I pregnant, after a relationship of three years. I was strong enough, eventually, to get through it by myself, and you will be too. But seeing my son tear himself up over why his dad doesn't want him makes my heart absolutely bleed for him. He's only six, is surrounded by a loving family, including a stepdad who loves him as his own, and still he perceives that there is a massive hole in his life where his dad should be. I don't think you should underestimate just how much of an effect not having any contact with their father might have on your child. Keep the baby by all means, but please do try, really try, to at least find the father and give them the option of being involved, for your childs sake if not your own.

Original poster
wanderthroughthedaisies · 13/04/2015 13:19

I could always terminate again.

OP posts:
defineme · 13/04/2015 13:40

I think you are old enough to know your own mind and know you're ina different place from your teens and twenties.

Being wanted and being born to a property owner is a better start than many have. I made my friends who subsequently babysat, shared holiday care etc, when I was pregnant and joined every prenatal group going...nct, surestart, local nhs midwife run one and hospital one. Go to places like those and hopefully you will make friends and a support network will grow.
Those places will also point you in the direction of childcare for after maternity leave.
With a bit of luck and an understanding employer you have as good a chance as any of being fine.
I have friends with dhs and extended family who have ended up leaving work and on benefits because of having a child with ongoing illness...you can't plan for every eventually. But do save, network and investigate childcare etc.

good luck and congratulations.

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2015 13:42

Of course, if you think it best. But if you want the child I am sure you could manage.

Being a single parent is hard - but its always a possibility when you start a baby. Luckily it's doable.

Few people know about childcare etc before they have a child. Fortunately you get 9+ months to find out and plan. As for being a parent, I think most of us learn on the job.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2015 13:45

You have given so little information it's hard to say what you should do. Only you can decide. I agree with the poster who said did you have any issues abut the adoption or termination and would one of these options be a possiblity if you decide you don't feel able to keep the baby. I wouldn't let the fact that you think you know nothing about childcare worry you. A lot of people don't. I didn't but muddled along.

DuckChowMein · 13/04/2015 13:46

Nobody's saying you should terminate Sad I think most posters just want to make sure that you've got some support because being a parent can be really lonely. No one's suggesting you should terminate a wanted pregnancy Thanks

MrsDeVere · 13/04/2015 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 13/04/2015 13:47

First off, congratulations.

I'm not feeling so much of the "firing questions" that you're sensing. And nobody's maligning your intentions, really! The only thing some posters were trying to do is to make you see that there's loads of things that you might not have thought about. Yet. But you will! Oh yes... Grin

Things like school uniform and trip expenses creep up faster than most people realise - it can be a bit of a shock. One of the things I found at becoming a parent is the bazillion things I didn't even know I didn't know, IYSIM. But this is not to put you off - you'll learn as you go along, like we all did with our first. Doing some reading in advance, hanging around Mumsnet, etc, will definitely help!

YY to previous suggestions that you start trying to develop mum-friends well in advance, build up a support network.

I'm a bit of a bohemian mum, and found frugal parenting websites very useful. Most of them are American based, but just read them with an internal translator in your head and they'll still be helpful.

binspin · 13/04/2015 13:49

Congratulations! If you want this baby there is nothing to stop you!

Stradbroke · 13/04/2015 13:49

I may well be wrong here. But it almost sounds like you don't feel you deserve this baby.

Do you feel guilt about your previous pregnancies and the decisions you took?

This is said with kindness and if I am on the wrong tact then sorry.

The only person who can decide what to do is you. Certainly not us random people on the internet.

And honestly it doesn't matter what you know about babies at this point. If you are a home owner and go travelling etc then you are obviously resourceful enough and can learn how to look after a small baby as you go. It's what a lot of people do.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 13/04/2015 13:50

don't be put out by the questions being fired at you, as you put it. You came seeking opinions/advice. What is more helpful - dozens of randoms just saying 'congrats of course you can do it', without knowing a single thing about your situation? or people actually suggesting some of the key issues you need to think long and hard about, and which you may have no experience of?

whatever you decide, after careful consideration of all the options and consequences, WILL be the right decision FOR YOU.

Dannie22b · 13/04/2015 13:52

Congratulations! You can do it if it's what you really want.
A

GunShotResidue · 13/04/2015 13:59

If you want to keep the baby you should. You can get lots of emotional support and advice on here. It is very hard without practical/real life help, but you can go to prenatal groups and then baby groups.

How far along are you? I'm assuming you have at least 4/5 months to plan, research and save. If it's what you want you can make it work.

MisForMumNotMaid · 13/04/2015 14:07

Congratulations. I've got three DC and I'm learning new things every day.

Fortunately there are may right ways to parent.

My DH (second husband step dad to my elder 2 bio dad to my third) and I were chatting the other day about conventional families that you think of growing up - movie families. We know lots of people but non fall into the happily married two kids, financially secure, 2 hols a year bracket. The real world is full of ups and downs, but you need one to have the other.

One bit of advise i'd give about parenting to any newbie is that you'll get lots of advice. Smile and nod works well. Filter and absorb what suits you - many right ways to do things.

ConfusedInBath · 13/04/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 13/04/2015 14:17

Congratulations Op Flowers
Keep the baby if that's what you want! You are just as entitled to having your baby as any other woman out there.
Good luck Smile