to have this baby (don't flame me please)

[wanderthroughthedaisies]

I'm nearly 33. Have been pregnant twice previously; first one was adopted, second one I terminated at 8 weeks.

No family. No partner.

On the plus side I'm financially okay - not rich but won't get anything in benefits (apart from child benefit.)

what do you think?

Whatever you chose I hope it is the right choice for you, if you want the baby then have the baby, good luck in whatever you decide to do x

Of course you should if that's what you want.

Finances aside I've immensely enjoyed being a single parent. I don't know if you're religious but being part of a church/community would be a good way to have lots of "family" around your son.

Good luck and congrats

Enjoy your baby!

It sounds like you have made the right, tough decisions for you at the time. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Lots of people do it as single parents, yes it's hard work but very do-able and you have the advantage of being in a good financial position. Go across to the pregnancy boards and you'll find lots of helpful advice and others in similar situations

No flaming here!

One thing to think about is the cost of childcare. I had a very planned pregnancy in my 30's & was shocked at the cost of it. I do not think I could have done it financially on my own, and I had a good salary'(40k plus). It would have taken up more than 1/2 my salary for a f/t place.

So at the moment do you have a good stable job that you would be able to keep?

Yes, it's "stable."

Do you comfortably have excess money to put aside at the end of every month/week, plus an emergency fund for the unseen?

It varies. I have excess money and an "emergency fund of the unseen" but most of my savings are in property.

Have you looked at local child minders rates?

No, as I'm probably going to terminate.

Do you take pride in your appearance (hair/makeup/nice clothes?) Do you do a lot of going out with your friends? Are you prepared to consider sacrifcing some or all of the things you currently take for granted, on a regular basis, when DC needs new shoes or there is a school trip to pay for on top of weekly expenses?

It was this that really upset me. No, it really did. How fucking DARE you insinuate that because I don't have children all I care about is how I look and going out? Actually, all of my jobs are socially based and I am active in charity work. But obviously, I'd see a child go barefoot because after all, I'm not going to sacrifice a night out with my mates, am I? Nasty, smug little cow.

If you have no nephews etc, no friends with DC, do you have any experince of loking after a baby/child or hearing other parents let off steam about how much hard work and how expensive it is?

No.

What about the father? He and the child have rights to know about each other. What if he wants to be involved? It's still your choice, but other peoples lives are affected too.

Well, I don't know where he lives and have no way of contacting him (judge away, you are anyway.)

You have to really really want this baby AND be aware of the financial and practical implications for the future.

That's why I posted here, but I'm a frivolous smirking little girl who just paints her nails and goes out with her friends, apparently.

What you need to be a parent is to be totally committed to the idea of being a parent, even if you are not sure what you are doing day to day, you are totally committed to the long term.

If you don't want to commit to it, don't do it. But if you are prepared to put your child first, then go for it. You don't need to know anything about childminders! You just need to know that you are a parent and it's down to you to sort it out.

I am a single parent and being a parent is the most important thing in my life. Once you know that everything else sort of gets done, by hook or by crook.

The only reason people are firing questions at you is because you sound so unsure about what you want. And yet probably at the core of yourself you probably do know what you want to do even if it's scary to say it.

sorry, xpost.

I don't agree that you need to know in advance how hard it is. You can't really tell anyway, until you are in it. If you want to do it, it is both harder than you ever imagined and better.

I didn't know the rates of local childminders when I got pregnant either

Honestly?

If you really want the baby, deep down, have the baby. Everything else will fall into place. You'll cope. It will be tough in places, amazing in others. If you want it though, it's worth it.

Terminate if you don't want a baby or to be a mother, you think it'll risk your health, or you really don't think you can give a baby a good life.

You sound intelligent, and as together as any one else here. If you have the baby, you make it work because you have to :)

Nobody is saying you are a frivolous little girl at all but it really is something to think about, my youngest Is one and sometimes it's difficult to have a hot bath when I want, but it's a sacrifice that means nothing anymore, I wish you the best of luck.

Of course YANBU to want to keep the baby. It's your choice entirely and I'm sure you're in a better place to be a parent than you used to be. I don't think anyone would pretend it's easy, but I'm sure you'll soon be able to find out what sources of support there are. Your local surestart can be a good port of call.

you came on here ready to have an argument. all the posts on here have been supportive, yet you are being very aggressive to some of the posters

my opinion.. you arent ready to have a child yet

I think the poster you were replying to was just trying to be helpful no need to name call.

Do you know the fathers name? It would be very unfair on the child to not even attempt to track the father down, esp as it's so easy nowadays. You must have seen him within the last three months unless you actually shagged a complete stranger whilst wearing a blindfold?

You might need the father if anything was wrong with baby either to help financially or medically. Also if you have no family, it would probably be nice to at least have a go at finding your child's family.

Oh dear - I still don't know the local rate of childminders and DS is 4 and going to school in September! We went with the closest nursery possible. failed as a mother

I concur with minstrel that OP doesn't need a lecture on her responsibilities towards a child - kids need shoes, it isn't rocket science. FYI they also need food apparently. Thanks NCT. Nor indeed does she need a monologue on how difficult having a child is. OP is 33, I think we've all seen Supernanny at this point.

I had DS when I was 22 and probably would have been irritated by that post even at that age, so I completely understand why OP isn't happy. And at that point I had held a baby.... maybe once? But I don't remember the specific baby.

Basically OP, if you want it and think you'd be a good mother then keep it. Sounds like you have the means and the will.

ah

that's how it is then

you invited the searching (and quite justified) responses (which actually I think everyone should think about before having a baby, not just you....there is nothing special about you actually) and just waited until you could pounce on them with a very immature "ok then, I will terminate"

I'll tell you what. You do what you like and keep us out of it, howzabout that then?

Of course you can have the child, if you want to, and you sound like you do.

No one's flaming you - you came on here and asked if people thought you were ready to have a child, so they asked relevant questions. Thing is, no one on here knows you from Adam, so don't be offended.

I think the op is getting an unfair hard time here. Having a baby isn't that hard ffs.

OP, the first few months of sleepless nights are a bit relentless, but plenty of people manage it on their own.

Presumably you will be on maternity leave for the first few months, my main advice is get yourself to a few baby groups and reassure yourself it's not just you having a hard time if it gets too much. I used to find seeing equally sick covered and tired new mothers quite comforting.

It's your body, your baby, and if you really want it, go for it. Plenty of people do it without the security of a property behind them.

I found dd pretty much fitted in with my life. Granted I have a dh, but we only see him 3 evenings a week because of the hours he works so he's not exactly hands on.

One baby is a bit of a doddle mostly tbh, I am not particularly good with children, but dd and I are extremely close. I couldn't cope with any more, but am extremely glad I had her at the ripe old age of 37 - it was life changing, in a good way, and made me a much less selfish nicer person.

Incidentally, you sound like you've been through a fair bit, and come out the other side well travelled and financially secure so you can't be totally frivolous!

I don't think anyone is judging you or thinking you are frivolous. You asked a question and your responses have been overwhelmingly positive.

FWIW I found myself unexpectedly pregnant last year. I am married and have two children already, so our situations are different there, but it had to think long and hard about keeping my baby or terminating. I had an appointment with BPAS to discuss my options. In the end I opted to keep my baby and she is due in June. I understand it's not always easy or clear cut when that pregnancy test shows up positive. You must make the right choice for you. I see no reason why you shouldn't keep your baby.

Best of luck OP

Congratulations op. Who thinks about school shoes when pregnant? it will be ok.

SpringBreaker - I certainly didn't come on here looking for an argument, but I have to be honest and say that post made me FEEL aggressive. So does yours, actually. To be told, even indirectly, that not having children means your interests equate to socialising with your friends and your own physical appearance would be heartbreaking if it wasn't so, so wrong.

How can I explain how that made me feel? I suppose because as a woman in your thirties you are supposed to be stable and married and have a husband and baby and if you haven't, you are either deemed immature (going out and make up and clothes) or lacking in some other way.

In fact, I do several things, not many of which are pure frivolity. I won't bother going into them all but I can assure you all that whatever other faults I have, immaturity isn't one of them. Nor is aggression, usually, but I am afraid that the post I quoted really did have a very strong effect on me and I did feel questions were being "fired at me" as well as a heavy side dose of judgement.

At any rate, I have decided that I wouldn't be a very good mother and as such have arranged to terminate the pregnancy. I think I had better look into sterilisation as I don't want to be in this position again, of course, although it is a big operation which worries me.

Go for it, OP.

You are giving FAR more "correct" answers to people's questions than I would have done prior to having my first DC. I didn't have a clue. And I really loved going out, and being free, and having my hair done and everything. The world changes so much when you have a DC that, IMHO, it doesn't much matter what the answers to these things are. You'll do your best with the DC because you just will.

All the best and CONGRATULATIONS

Any - no, it wasn't like that. I just don't think that I can do it. I was trying to explain why, having seen two lines on the pregnancy test, my first thought was not "how much are childminders".

I feel very conflicted, very confused and very, very upset which is why I begged not to be flamed.

Yes, some posts - most posts - are lovely and I'm grateful for that but unfortunately you do tend to remember the ones that make you feel bad.

Thank you. It's just - I'm sorry, but even if I was someone who liked jus going out and having my hair done, would anyone really think oh well, I will just not buy my dc shoes? Why would anyone think that of me?