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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit of a mess of her own making?

119 replies

movingalot · 12/04/2015 14:42

SIL is getting married soon - she is 33, and most of her family and close friends are at the stage where they have young children. Although we're close, my involvement in her wedding is going to be very limited as DC2 is due 4 weeks beforehand, and many of her other wedding plans have gone seriously awry, but I think that many of the issues are of her own making, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it all...

Despite having great bridesmaids who planned to book a one-night hen locally in an amazing hotel with a fab cocktail bar (that even at 38 weeks pregnant I would have loved to attend), she went ahead herself and booked a country house weekend 2 hours drive away, with fewer bedrooms than the numbers invited, so we would have had to share beds (not what anyone with young kids fancies on a night away!).... there is now a v poor turnout for the hen, with only her mum and aunts signed up for the first night Shock

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live) so she is now having trouble recruiting close friends to do readings and prayers at the ceremony as most of us have kids who won't tolerate two hours in a car plus a potentially long service. I know she's really disappointed with this, understandably.

I may BU regarding this one, but despite making it clear that kids are welcome at the wedding, and having 6 Grin flower girls / pageboys (including our DD) who have all needed to have outfits, shoes etc bought for them for the occasion, she is not making any arrangements for childcare during the reception / meal. I will have newborn with me throughout and we have booked a babysitter through the hotel for DD so she will be minded in our room, but AIBU to think that it is not that hard to arrange with the hotel that a couple of babysitters could mind all the cousins / friends' kids in a designated area with DVDs, games etc to keep them occupied during the reception, if only to avoid having them all running riot around the place during her special day? WIBU to suggest this to her Confused? (DH thinks I would be, but I'm not sure if she has even thought of it)

Sorry for the length - more of a rant than I thought! I just hope she doesn't seriously regret some of the choices she has made....

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 14:45

Have never been to a wedding op with on tap childcare. Is this a thing?

qazxc · 12/04/2015 14:45

My guess is she doesn't have children, if so she might need a couple of very gentle and diplomatic suggestions.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 14:46

Yy Derek Wink

SavoyCabbage · 12/04/2015 14:47

You think yabu. She wants to choose where she has her hen night and where she has her own wedding and reception.

She shouldn't have to get married somewhere she doesn't want to because some guests have children who can't go on two hour journeys.

Some people might not be able to go, but at least she will be having the wedding she wants to have.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 14:47

What EastShitDerek said. With some rather amusing You've Been Framed consequences. That's what weddings are about.

You don't sound like you like your SIL very much.

SavoyCabbage · 12/04/2015 14:48

I think yabu! I know you don't think you are.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/04/2015 14:48

Ive never known a wedding provide any kind of childcare. Surely parents just, y'know, parent their kids?

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 14:48

I know what you mean about the hen night and the distance the church is from the hotel. We had a family wedding last year and the couple getting married booked coaches so that made it easier. As for childcare during the reception, I wouldn't expect that. A family wedding is just that, you take turns looking after your kids or book a babysitter I think.

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 14:49

Oh dear, I haven't booked any wedding childcare?!? I assumed anyone bringing their kids would want to have them just playing around the venue (it's not huge so they'd be with the adults all the time) am I going to be hated by any parents coming for not providing a crèche?!

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 14:49

I have been to a wedding with childcare - I prefer the ones without as all I ended up doing was to-ing and fro-ing to the creche all night (over a boggy field as it was a marquee) as actually wanted to see my kids and they were bored shitless.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 12/04/2015 14:49

Please tell me people are not planning to shun the service but still attend the reception that would be very unreasonable.

RebootYourEngine · 12/04/2015 14:49

I have never heard of babysitters at weddings. My family weddings have all been like Dereks.

Everyone just pitches in and keeps an eye on the kids while still enjoying themselves. Most kids are either on the dance floor or sleeping somewhere in the reception room.

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 14:50

No Vanitas, I've been to a lot of weddings and I've never been to one with a crèche. I think it's a horrible idea tbh!

DinkyDye · 12/04/2015 14:51

I don't do hen weekends but the Church being an hour away from reception venue is silly.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 14:51

It sounds like it's one of those really condescending type 'oh well, she doesn't Have Kids, she can't possibly be expected to understand that those of us With Kids want to sleep somewhere like this and we want to be at a service like this and a wedding should be like this because we Have Kids.

It's really, really annoying (and I do Have Kids.) let her have the wedding she wants.

kinkyfuckery · 12/04/2015 14:53

Childcare at a wedding reception?? Look after your own damn kids.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 14:55

I don't think she will regret some of the choices she has made, but she may have regrets about who she chose as friends and who she got lumbered with as family.

YABU. Very.

Lavenderice · 12/04/2015 14:55

I think secretly you do really want her to regret some of the decisions she has made.

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 14:56

Thanks satsuma I think it sounds horrible too! Might need to check on expectations with those bringing kids though..

shewept · 12/04/2015 14:56

I have kids and have shared a room on group night away. Why do women who have kids object to this? Surely women either would do this or not, having children has nothing to do with it

Sorry op yabu. Its her wedding she can do as she pleases and certainly get married somewhere dependent on what 'people with kids want'. You make parents sound like pod people, that because we have kids we all want the same thing.

And childcare for the wedding is your responsibility, not hers.

WickedWax · 12/04/2015 14:56

I don't see the point of inviting children to a wedding and then arranging childcare at the venue.

what you're effectively saying is you want the bride and groom to pay for a babysitter for you.

ChipDip · 12/04/2015 14:56

Are you mad? Childcare at a wedding? Yes you are truly mad!

Charlotte3333 · 12/04/2015 14:58

We had a creche at our wedding with about 8 members of staff who did all kinds of pottery and outdoor games with the children.

However, we had a child of our own by that point, a huge amount of our friends and family did, too, and when my Mum got remarried the year before our wedding her elderly relatives were constantly griping about children doing knee-slides on the floor and DS1 spent the whole time running about, being chased by DH as it was a very naice sort of do where children were expected to be still and calm (he was 2 and a bit, she'd trussed him up in a suit with top hat and tails, of course he sprinted about trying to strip off naked).

We asked guests if they'd use the facility if we booked it and all said yes, and the children seemed to thoroughly enjoy the day. I'd have been perfectly happy with them sprinting about during the reception, but the creche meant the other guests could relax a little, too, and the children popped in and out of the wedding, taking part in the bits they wanted to. I'd do it again given chance.

Weddings are arduous things if you've got children who (like mine) don't enjoy quiet, calm activities. Especially if you've got strangers peering down their noses at your pfb just doing what pfbs do.

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