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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit of a mess of her own making?

119 replies

movingalot · 12/04/2015 14:42

SIL is getting married soon - she is 33, and most of her family and close friends are at the stage where they have young children. Although we're close, my involvement in her wedding is going to be very limited as DC2 is due 4 weeks beforehand, and many of her other wedding plans have gone seriously awry, but I think that many of the issues are of her own making, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it all...

Despite having great bridesmaids who planned to book a one-night hen locally in an amazing hotel with a fab cocktail bar (that even at 38 weeks pregnant I would have loved to attend), she went ahead herself and booked a country house weekend 2 hours drive away, with fewer bedrooms than the numbers invited, so we would have had to share beds (not what anyone with young kids fancies on a night away!).... there is now a v poor turnout for the hen, with only her mum and aunts signed up for the first night Shock

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live) so she is now having trouble recruiting close friends to do readings and prayers at the ceremony as most of us have kids who won't tolerate two hours in a car plus a potentially long service. I know she's really disappointed with this, understandably.

I may BU regarding this one, but despite making it clear that kids are welcome at the wedding, and having 6 Grin flower girls / pageboys (including our DD) who have all needed to have outfits, shoes etc bought for them for the occasion, she is not making any arrangements for childcare during the reception / meal. I will have newborn with me throughout and we have booked a babysitter through the hotel for DD so she will be minded in our room, but AIBU to think that it is not that hard to arrange with the hotel that a couple of babysitters could mind all the cousins / friends' kids in a designated area with DVDs, games etc to keep them occupied during the reception, if only to avoid having them all running riot around the place during her special day? WIBU to suggest this to her Confused? (DH thinks I would be, but I'm not sure if she has even thought of it)

Sorry for the length - more of a rant than I thought! I just hope she doesn't seriously regret some of the choices she has made....

OP posts:
petalunicorn · 12/04/2015 16:41

It's not usual to have creche/childcare for a wedding and smacks of someone wanting a childfree wedding/their own kid out the way but not wanting to go the whole hog and do that.

I think the friends are rude and cheeky if they are planning to miss the ceremony and just go for the reception. If they really can't manage the kids and the drive they should arrange a sitter/their partner to look after the kids (even let them run around outside the church during the ceremony) whilst they go to the ceremony, the ceremony is the important bit. That, or they go to the ceremony but not the free dinner part Hmm Hmm. Incidentally I can't remember the last place of worship I went to that didn't have a play corner in it.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2015 16:41

Blimey, let's hope she doesn't see this thread and recognise her SIL is sneering at her on a public forum.

Did I say sneering? Sorry I meant concerned.

As for wedding creches, I never heard of them.

Most parents I know, sort out their own childcare or keep their kids under control.

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 16:41

I wouldn't want to be sharing a bed on a hen weekend if I was 38 weeks pregnant. I didn't want to share a bed with DH when I was 38 weeks pregnant, I closely resembled a beached whale and wanted a kingsize bed all to myself so I could kick and roll and try to get comfortable. Unfortunately my DH couldn't see my point of view although he did moan about my fidgetting.

MaudGonneAway · 12/04/2015 16:45

I've been to several weddings with childcare, in the sense that there were people hired to look after the children somewhere specific, though no requirement that the children went there. One that worked very well was at an Italian vineyard where a nice local couple did face-painting and hide and seek in a walled garden, so the kids got to run around going mad and climbing trees with parents dipping in and out, and then had a quiet room with cushions and rugs to sleep in later. Not that my then 2.5 year old spent any time in the latter. There are photographs of him dancing with the bride at midnight.

But I wouldn't say it was in any way standard.

OP, you do sound slightly as though you are saying, purse-lipped, that your SIL has made her bed and must lie on it.

MoanCollins · 12/04/2015 16:48

But hang on. There's not really an issue with sharing beds at the hen night because hardly anybody has taken up the invitation right?

Lweji · 12/04/2015 17:00

How can the kids be uncontrolled if the parents are there? Hmm

If she has problems with the kids playing, then she shouldn't have invited them.

BackforGood · 12/04/2015 17:24

I don't see it as the bride's responsibility to arrange childcare, tbh, but then I'm a fan of the ever unpopular on MN idea of leaving the dc with friends or relatives and going to the wedding without them. Wink

I'm confused about the wedding. When you say "it's 4 hours from where you all live" - who is 'all' ? Even in the mad, parallel universe that is the world of weddings on MN, I can't see that anyone would randomly book a hotel for their Reception that was 4 hours drive away from where everyone lived. Surely ? Presumably there is a good reason for them choosing that particular venue?

From that, I can see that it's not ideal to have the Church an hour away... but maybe in some either rural, or highly built up areas, there isn't as much choice?? (Difficult to say without knowing all the details, but again, you'd presume that the bride and groom aren't going out of their way to make life difficult for all their guests, so, again, there must be a reason for this).

Re the booking of the house for hen weekend - she clearly isn't a MNer if she thinks you can just book something you fancy and then expect everyone to turn up Grin. That said, if lots aren't going, then you will now be able to go, without having to share a bed with a stranger, won't you? Wink

Generally though, I'd go for the smiling and nodding and staying out of it approach.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/04/2015 17:28

I have actually been to weddings with organised childcare! One just a couple of weeks ago. We didn't use it though and it's certainly not 'standard'.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 17:37

I would feel bad if having loads of uncontrolled kids ruined her special day

Are all her friends shit parents then?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/04/2015 17:41

By the way we had loads of children at our wedding, it was lovely. They all had a fantastic time and we're very well behaved.

ukfirestorm · 12/04/2015 17:43

Who would expect free childcare at a wedding, that's mental!

morethanpotatoprints · 12/04/2015 17:54

I agree with what seems like chaotic arrangements and choices, but the childcare issue YABU

Kids are supposed to run around during a reception and parents take it in turns looking after them.

Your idea of childminders running a club for dc with dvds etc would be a minefield for insurance and risk assessment for the venue.
Her only other option would be to employ a children's entertainer and then you leave them at your own risk and even then they are usually only employed to entertain and need parents to supervise anyway.

drudgetrudy · 12/04/2015 17:59

It is all entirely up to her and if it doesn't run smoothly it isn't your problem.
I wouldn't make any suggestions at all and keep right out of it.

JoyceDivision · 12/04/2015 18:08

Op, you are so being unreasonable.

Here is how your post reads to people who are not planning on bitching about theor family behind there backs.

SIL is getting married soon. I haven't been as involved as I expected to be. I don'tappear to be the centre of attention so now I hope it all goes tits up but I'm pretending this post is about me being concerned about her and needing to stop feeling guilty.

  1. I really wanted SIL to have a hen do at a hotel I like that serves cocktails. Instead SIL wanted to do something else. I would have to share a bed and I don't like that, but no one who has kids wouldn't, would they? but SIL doesn't understand this as she hasn't had kids so she couldn't possibly understand this.

  2. she has picked a venue that she likes. It's a long drive that I won't like with having the dc. Therefore this mustbe another cock up that spoils her day. I wouldn't have picked this.

  3. She's welcomed children and made mt dc part of a very special ceremony but that means if we take dc we'll have to look after them. That's pants! Should she sort out a babysitter for me coz just coz their my dc why should I look after them at the wedding? Shouldn't the bride sort out everyone's childcare? I mean, we've deigned to honour her with our presence.

Your poor sil. I'll ring Brian Cox... there's a new centre of gravity taht the world is revolving around...

Whereisegg · 12/04/2015 18:09

Tbh I think you all (friends and family) sound bloody horrible.
Moaning about everything she has booked or wants for her wedding.

2 hours in a car is too much for her 'friends' for the ceremony but fine for the free bar meal bit? Angry

Free childcare so nobody has to parent their own dc?
Either look after your own dc or leave them at home (nothing wrong with not wanting to be on duty at a wedding reception imo) but you can't have it both ways.

NeedABumChange · 12/04/2015 18:10

I think it's horrible that women who get married a bit later than everyone else seem to have to pander to everyone else's child issues rather than just have a lovely wedding and the day they want.

waithorse · 12/04/2015 18:18

YABU and I bet you this thread hasn't turned out how you expected.

Marmaladedandelions · 12/04/2015 18:20

YY need and I married DH at 22.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 18:21

I would feel bad if my uncontrolled kid ruined someone's wedding but if that happened I would blame myself, not the bride and groom for failing to provide childcare.

The hen party is a shame, I wouldn't go anywhere if I had to share a bed so yanbu on that. I don't get the issue with friends and readings, unless these are single parents? Even so, I was a bridesmaid at a wedding with a 4 year old and left him happily with my friend's husband at the back of the church. Why can't they leave their kids with partners or friends?
Is it possible people are protesting what they see as inconvenient arrangements by being uncooperative?

daffsandtulips · 12/04/2015 18:25

Oh dear Grin

NerrSnerr · 12/04/2015 18:29

Do people really have children who won't tolerate a 2h drive? If they fuck off the service and go for the free foo at the reception then they are hugely rude.

butterflyballs · 12/04/2015 18:32

The last wedding I was at, 3 years ago, the reception was in a field attached to a pub, marquee set up with a disco, hog roast and buffet and a bar. The kids (and there were loads) had a great time, there was some play equipment but they just ran round the field, made good use of the chocolate fountain and really had a great time. Most of the guests had pitched tents so we all stayed overnight and then had a cooked breakfast in the pub the next morning.

Best wedding ever.

Bakeoffcake · 12/04/2015 18:36

OP So people aren't going to the church but will turn up to the reception??

If they are doing that, they are being extremely rude. No wonder the bride is pissed offShock

I've never heard anything like it!

FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 18:49

butterflyballs that sounds fab. I'd have loved that too. But this thread is about a bride who has chosen something that works for her and will be the day she and her stbDH want, which her sil the OP is moaning about so with the greatest respect and friendliness, I don't think this description of an entirely different wedding contributes to the discussion.

CaptainHolt · 12/04/2015 18:49

I've got loads of kids and the last hen night I went on I shared a room with 5 other women and a bed with two of them. If she wants a weekend away rather than the cocktails that you love then good on her. Go to the cocktail bar for your own hen.

I can't think of anyone who I am close enough to to do a reading at their wedding who I would not do a two hour drive for. Her friends sound like tools.

Wedding childcare - meh - it's up to her. I've been to one wedding that had it for the ceremony but don't most people either arrange it themselves or look after their own kids?