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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit of a mess of her own making?

119 replies

movingalot · 12/04/2015 14:42

SIL is getting married soon - she is 33, and most of her family and close friends are at the stage where they have young children. Although we're close, my involvement in her wedding is going to be very limited as DC2 is due 4 weeks beforehand, and many of her other wedding plans have gone seriously awry, but I think that many of the issues are of her own making, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it all...

Despite having great bridesmaids who planned to book a one-night hen locally in an amazing hotel with a fab cocktail bar (that even at 38 weeks pregnant I would have loved to attend), she went ahead herself and booked a country house weekend 2 hours drive away, with fewer bedrooms than the numbers invited, so we would have had to share beds (not what anyone with young kids fancies on a night away!).... there is now a v poor turnout for the hen, with only her mum and aunts signed up for the first night Shock

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live) so she is now having trouble recruiting close friends to do readings and prayers at the ceremony as most of us have kids who won't tolerate two hours in a car plus a potentially long service. I know she's really disappointed with this, understandably.

I may BU regarding this one, but despite making it clear that kids are welcome at the wedding, and having 6 Grin flower girls / pageboys (including our DD) who have all needed to have outfits, shoes etc bought for them for the occasion, she is not making any arrangements for childcare during the reception / meal. I will have newborn with me throughout and we have booked a babysitter through the hotel for DD so she will be minded in our room, but AIBU to think that it is not that hard to arrange with the hotel that a couple of babysitters could mind all the cousins / friends' kids in a designated area with DVDs, games etc to keep them occupied during the reception, if only to avoid having them all running riot around the place during her special day? WIBU to suggest this to her Confused? (DH thinks I would be, but I'm not sure if she has even thought of it)

Sorry for the length - more of a rant than I thought! I just hope she doesn't seriously regret some of the choices she has made....

OP posts:
shewept · 12/04/2015 14:58

Vanitas I used to be a wedding coordinator. I did about 3000 weddings. 2 had childcare, which was arranged by the parents not the bride and groom.

GinGinGin · 12/04/2015 14:58

YABU - it's her wedding, let her do what she wants to do

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 14:59

Vanitas I honestly wouldn't bother. Never been to a wedding with childcare and would most people want this? I doubt it. One of the joys of a wedding with children is seeing them having fun and interacting with a wide group of friends and family.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 15:01

Personally I think those peering down their noses at children being children should get over themselves. Very badly behaved children excluded of course.

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 15:02

Thanks everyone, well that does sound nice charlotte for your situation, there'll only be ten or so children of an age for that though.

base9 · 12/04/2015 15:05

I also don't like the creche idea. For someone with no children, SIL has been generous to invite everyone, children too, and has made no precious demands that they be coralled into a special child-pen where babysitters force them to watch some Disney DVD rather than running about and dancing and eating too much cake. I think SIL sounds very child-friendly.

Original poster
movingalot · 12/04/2015 15:05

Three of the weddings I have been at in the past couple of years have had 'wedding creches'. I didn't realise it was such a no-no Hmm.

I have chosen to organise a babysitter for DD to make sure she gets to bed at a decent time as there is a big party the following day also (on a boat! so no escape) and I know exactly what she'll be like if she is allowed run riot until 10 or 11pm the night before i.e. a nightmare if that needs spelling out to anyone Grin. She'll do her flower girl gig, run around a bit and look cute in the photos - she's not going to know that she's missing out on anything later in the evening!

Okay so consensus is I won't say anything to SIL about the childcare issue....

OP posts:
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/04/2015 15:06

Isn't the important thing whether she minds that you can't go to bits of it or not?

Will she get pissed off if kids are running about?
Will she be pissed off if you don’t go to the hen do?
Will she be pissed off if you can't go to the whole thing?

If so, SIBU. If not, you are.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:07

I love dancing to Come On Eileen, wine glass sloshing about in hand, my over excited kids high leg kicking alongside me and then knee sliding to the buffet table for more sugar hits. Bliss Grin

MoanCollins · 12/04/2015 15:07

YABU. Very.

You seem to be very smug about having managed to reproduce and seem be looking down on her because she's not a parent yet and thinking that she should organise her wedding around your children and other people's children.

I think it's very odd to expect her to have arranged childcare. I thought it was normal for parents to look after their own children.

Regarding the drive and the day out, I think you sound like you're being overly precious and one of those mothers who thinks that having children should be treated almost as some kind of disability. It's not.

Re having a new born baby. I think if you really feel it's going to be a problem you'd be quite with in your rights not to go, I think it's reasonable for you to say it's too soon after the birth and you'll still be in the shell shocked phase of no sleep and painful bits.

But you can't expect your friend to completely rearrange her wedding based around the fact other people have children. And your attitude really is coming over as smug. Let DH go if he wants to (assuming it's his sister) and you stay home. I remember people who took this attitude before I had children and it's very condescending and not justified.

Original poster
movingalot · 12/04/2015 15:08

DD is 26 months btw

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 15:08

I've attended 1 wedding with a creche, 3 child-free weddings and dozens where feral packs of children run riot. The 3rd category are by far the best.

She is only being unreasonable if she is moaning about small numbers of attendees. She can and should have the wedding where when and how she wants, but then needs to be ok with invitation does not equal summons. It's ok for people to decline.

It's not particularly unreasonable to book a place for the hen weekend with fewer beds than invitees - you don't expect all invitees to come, I invited 45 friends to a party at a venue with a max capacity of 35. 33 accepted so it was all fine

BigPawsBrown · 12/04/2015 15:09

You've got kids not a disability. I am sure you are still capable of sharing a bed with an adult or driving an hour from church to reception. Get real.

Original poster
movingalot · 12/04/2015 15:14

That is just my point - Fishwithabicycle, she is REALLY disappointed and Sad at the non-attendance at the hen, the probable non-attendance at the church, and especially, the fact that her closest friends aren't going to be able to participate in her marriage ceremony. She has been very open about this, hence me feeling guilty.

I think that she may also regret not having a more formal arrangement for the kids during the later stages of the wedding too. I don't feel special for having kids Hmm but I would feel bad if having loads of uncontrolled kids ruined her special day

OP posts:
VeryVeryDarkGrey · 12/04/2015 15:17

2 hours really isnt that far to expect kids to travel. YABU

shewept · 12/04/2015 15:18

You would feel bad?

No you wouldn't. You are making assumptions based on the fact that you have kids, so other people with kids will feel the same.

It doesn't come across as you are worried you are upset. It comes across as though you feel you know better than her.

mariamin · 12/04/2015 15:20

I would be disappointed if I was her too that my closest friends couldn't bring themselves to be inconvenienced for my sake.

shewept · 12/04/2015 15:20

At my dbros wedding he took ds (then 6 months) to bed at 9pm as he couldn't drop to sleep downstairs. I stayed with dd (then 7) so she could dance and play with the other kids. They are our kids, I would never have thought of asking them to pay for a more formal arrangement.

They are our kids and we provide their childcare.

shewept · 12/04/2015 15:22

Oh and since you aren't helping with any of the wedding arrangements ywbu to suggest she provides and pays for childcare. You are either helping her or not. You can't just jump in for her to help her plan the bits that will make your day better.

JaynewithaY · 12/04/2015 15:24

We didn't have childcare, but I did make a goodie bag for the children with some things for them to do (colouring books, puzzles, little toys, dolls, sweets). We have some lovely pictures of a little niece putting pretend lipstick on one of the ushers. At a recent wedding we were guests at, the bride and groom had set up a corner with lego and during the speeches the children were happily playing. Maybe your SIL is planning something like this for the children, rather than providing childcare?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 12/04/2015 15:27

Why can't people do a reading during the service just because they've had children in the car for a couple of hours? Confused

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:29

Oh give over with your sad face emojis and faux guilt OP - you are relishing her 'getting it all wrong'. Your OP is dripping with glee over her potential regret. The question is, why?

PuppyMonkey · 12/04/2015 15:31

Kids getting an opportunity to do the knee skidding thing on the dance floor at weddings is one of life's great rites of passage Grin

BaronessEllaSaturday · 12/04/2015 15:32

Why can't people do a reading during the service just because they've had children in the car for a couple of hours?

It reads to me as if people don't want to put the children in the car for 2 hours so are not going to go to the service.