To think this is a bit of a mess of her own making?

[movingalot]

SIL is getting married soon - she is 33, and most of her family and close friends are at the stage where they have young children. Although we're close, my involvement in her wedding is going to be very limited as DC2 is due 4 weeks beforehand, and many of her other wedding plans have gone seriously awry, but I think that many of the issues are of her own making, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it all...

Despite having great bridesmaids who planned to book a one-night hen locally in an amazing hotel with a fab cocktail bar (that even at 38 weeks pregnant I would have loved to attend), she went ahead herself and booked a country house weekend 2 hours drive away, with fewer bedrooms than the numbers invited, so we would have had to share beds (not what anyone with young kids fancies on a night away!).... there is now a v poor turnout for the hen, with only her mum and aunts signed up for the first night

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live) so she is now having trouble recruiting close friends to do readings and prayers at the ceremony as most of us have kids who won't tolerate two hours in a car plus a potentially long service. I know she's really disappointed with this, understandably.

I may BU regarding this one, but despite making it clear that kids are welcome at the wedding, and having 6 flower girls / pageboys (including our DD) who have all needed to have outfits, shoes etc bought for them for the occasion, she is not making any arrangements for childcare during the reception / meal. I will have newborn with me throughout and we have booked a babysitter through the hotel for DD so she will be minded in our room, but AIBU to think that it is not that hard to arrange with the hotel that a couple of babysitters could mind all the cousins / friends' kids in a designated area with DVDs, games etc to keep them occupied during the reception, if only to avoid having them all running riot around the place during her special day? WIBU to suggest this to her ? (DH thinks I would be, but I'm not sure if she has even thought of it)

Sorry for the length - more of a rant than I thought! I just hope she doesn't seriously regret some of the choices she has made....

I feel rather sorry for the bride here.

So she's chosen a venue for ceremony and reception a bit of a distance from where she lives. I don't imagine she has done this on a whim. In fact, she hasn't done it alone anyone, the groom was also involved.

Where does the grooms family live? 4 hours in the other direction? Have they tried to compromise and pick a place in between both families?

Last wedding I went to, one I travelled about 3 hours from home for a family member, and the other I travelled 9 hours for a friend. Those who are kicking up at the thought of a night away for a wedding, are either skint (fair enough), or not as close as the bride and groom thought. Which if those people are their family and those they thought of as close friends, is naturally very hurtful for them.

Wedding creche - heard of them, not seen them, wouldn't like them. Personally prefer child free weddings but if the kids are there, they are there, what's the point of having them if you are going to practise some sort of age-related apartheid?

I'm also surprised people won't do a 2 hour drive if they're close enough to do a reading. When DH and I do weddings whichever one of us is less close to the couple looks after DS while the other attends the ceremony (he's 2.10 and doesn't do sitting quietly through a long ceremony) then we both go to the reception with DS. If children weren't welcome at the reception we'd leave him with family if it was a close by wedding or only one of us would go, I'd never expect the couple to provide childcare.

We had a lot of under 10s at our wedding (over a quarter of the total guests). We laid on a room with a play station, games, books, colouring stuff etc so that parents could easily entertain their kids. What actually happened was that all the 20-something blokes were in there playing for much of the evening .

My cousin had a hen do where we all stayed in 4 rooms with several beds and sofas. I shared a bed with one of the older members of the hen party, I strolled in 3 hours later than the oldies and no one batted an eyelid. what's wrong with sharing a bed for 1 night?

I have also never heard of a creche at a wedding?! growing up I loved kids, from about 12/13 I would always be the one at family events to be playing with the younger members giving their parents a break. I am still the one to do that today :D there is always a few people like this.

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live)

I went back to look at the OP. Some people may indeed not wish to drive 4 hours to the wedding and then find they need to drive another hour to get to the reception.

Okay, they may be staying at the hotel on the night of the wedding but some people may not be able to budget for 2 nights at the hotel, to include the night before.

I kind of see the OP's point on this issue.

Not read the whole thread (shoot me now) but if children don't get to join in 'normal' family festivities, how do they learn how to behave at them? If a child never gets to see grown ups having fun at a wedding and older relatives enjoying watching them skid on their knees, or even getting grumpy at them, how do they learn? What age is it ok for a 'child' to become part of the extended family rather than being 'looked after' by paid help?

My 3dc will be bridesmaids at a wedding in October aged 4, 4 and 7. They don't need babysitters as dh and I will be there! Dh is best man so will be at top table so i will be at the table with dc - they will eat and I'll take some colouring for the speeches etc. Once the meal is over they will dance/run about a bit. Why are parents unable to look after their kids? Tbh the older kids will probably look after younger dc and have a fab time. Last wedding we went to dtds were 2 and dd1 was 6 - they danced until midnight and I had a few glasses of wine (dh was the responsible one on that occasion).

Oh give over with your sad face emojis and faux guilt OP - you are relishing her 'getting it all wrong'. Your OP is dripping with glee over her potential regret

This was very much how I felt when I read the OP. You do rather sound as though you will be doing the raised-eyebrows-satisfied-smirk of 'I told her so' if it all goes tits up.

Try to enjoy her wedding, don't involve yourself further if you are secretly hoping for it all to go wrong.

And Gin, you sound like a fabulous person to have at a wedding. Drunken high kicks to Come On Eileen clinks glass, marvellous.

I feel sorry for the bride.

OP even your DH thinks YABU and should not start criticising (suggesting childcare is a criticism of her reception, even if you don't think it is).

I think I get what you're saying OP (although I do sense a hint of "silly wotsit, that'll teach her" from your post). If the hotel she booked had enough rooms for all the people she invited then they could all stay the night. But if they can't stay they have a 4 hour round trip on top of an already long day. Plus the 2 hour round trip between the church and the hotel!

FirstwetakeManhattan

If her friends ... the ones she considers to be real friends ... don't want to join in with her 'hen night', because it's a country house weekend; and if they won't want to attend her ceremony (which lets face it is the part she actually gets married at) because it's an hour away from her reception venue; and if they are unsatisfied that she hasn't arranged formal childcare for their children during her wedding reception ... then I think she does need help.

Help to choose better friends!

Is this your brother's wife-to-be, Op?

It doesn't really sound (to me) as if you have any regard for her at all.

Don't you all think it's a bit off for the bride to organise her own hen, even though the bridesmaids had organised something else?

Seems a bit precious to me, and I would be hacked off if I was a bridesmaid!

I've been to weddings where there was organised childcare. Total waste of an evening imvho, as we had to check up on the dcs anyway as they wanted to be with us, and didn't like the (we heard later) strange hotel babysitter.

I think people can have the wedding they want without children if that's what they wish, and they can have a wedding with kids if they want that too.

Op why don't you offer your babysitter to other family members who need one, and have all the cousins in with your dd?

I do think the bride has gone off on a bit of a tangent though with the long drive between church and venue and turning down the hen her bridesmaids had already organised for her.

Seems to me like you'll have difficulties with your SIL OP unless you cut her some serious slack.

33 isn't too old to have kids- maybe your dcs and hers will be friends who can carp about you both in later years, who knows?

So OP - are you planning to never ever take your DCs on a 2 hour car drive whilst they're young? All outings/days out will be close to home?

& the wedding is only for a day not a week, how much inconvenience is it to you really?

& why can't the bride have the venues she wants? Its her wedding after all, why should what she does be dictated by you? Have other parents commented on the arrangements or is it just you thinking for all of them?

I really, really hope people won't be so mean as to not bother with the wedding + reception or, God forbid, attend none of it. That would be horrible. Then again I don't think parents are an alien species apart who never ever put themselves out or can only attend events rigidly managed to the expectations of parents and children.

Im glad to see most people are perfectly reasonable about children being at weddings. I know there was a spate of "weddings should be childfree!" threads last year, but never in my life have I been to a wedding and heard even ONE complaint that "the event was ruined for me, too many children about". Whats said on here & what happens in real life are very often worlds apart.

Keep a lid on whatever bad feelings you have for your SIL, and go and enjoy her special occasion.

I had a childcare at my wedding as DD1 was only 14 months and I wanted to enjoy the evening. We used a childminder that we knew well who babysat from 7 pm for dd plus a few other little ones all in one room. It worked really well as we had the pleasure of the kids during the day but could enjoy the evening as well.

Pfft. On our fridge is a picture of DD (not quite 3) and my Dad (70) dancing at my cousin's wedding. He had to bend down a long way, quite an achievement for a man with 2 cracked vertebrae. A brief shining moment not to be missed.

Or kids drink and dance Derek! I was at a wedding and my 14yo cousin ( at the time) had new braces fitted. She was in pain, so my aunt ( not her mum) got her pissed! Probably not good childcare, but at least she was happy!

One hour there and back really isn't that far OP? Would your children not fall asleep anyway, or if it's just this once take something in the car to entertain them? I wouldn't let strangers care for my child but that's personal choice so a crèche would fill me with dread. Hen doo- sounds lush- I'm sure some could take a blow up bed and use a good glug of wine for a mattress

I actually feel sad for your SIL, imagine feeling like your wedding day/hen doo is a massive pain in the bum for everyone! It's supposed to be the most magical day and a privilege to be invited? If I was you I'd think well it isn't what I would do but I love my brother and SIL and just for one day I'll put a smile on my face and crack on! I'd start this positive attitude by offering to do a short reading for her

I think it might be you ending up regretful. I would be so upset if my brother/SIL wedding was anything but perfect to them.

venus re the bride organising her own hen do... I really don't see an issue with that, surely it just means she gets to do something she will actually enjoy?
If I was a bm and the bride was unhappy enough with my efforts to arrange something else I think I'd be a bit sad and embarrassed that I'd got it so wrong.