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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a bit of a mess of her own making?

119 replies

movingalot · 12/04/2015 14:42

SIL is getting married soon - she is 33, and most of her family and close friends are at the stage where they have young children. Although we're close, my involvement in her wedding is going to be very limited as DC2 is due 4 weeks beforehand, and many of her other wedding plans have gone seriously awry, but I think that many of the issues are of her own making, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it all...

Despite having great bridesmaids who planned to book a one-night hen locally in an amazing hotel with a fab cocktail bar (that even at 38 weeks pregnant I would have loved to attend), she went ahead herself and booked a country house weekend 2 hours drive away, with fewer bedrooms than the numbers invited, so we would have had to share beds (not what anyone with young kids fancies on a night away!).... there is now a v poor turnout for the hen, with only her mum and aunts signed up for the first night

She has chosen a church more than an hours drive from the wedding hotel (which is itself 4 hours drive from where we all live) so she is now having trouble recruiting close friends to do readings and prayers at the ceremony as most of us have kids who won't tolerate two hours in a car plus a potentially long service. I know she's really disappointed with this, understandably.

I may BU regarding this one, but despite making it clear that kids are welcome at the wedding, and having 6 flower girls / pageboys (including our DD) who have all needed to have outfits, shoes etc bought for them for the occasion, she is not making any arrangements for childcare during the reception / meal. I will have newborn with me throughout and we have booked a babysitter through the hotel for DD so she will be minded in our room, but AIBU to think that it is not that hard to arrange with the hotel that a couple of babysitters could mind all the cousins / friends' kids in a designated area with DVDs, games etc to keep them occupied during the reception, if only to avoid having them all running riot around the place during her special day? WIBU to suggest this to her ? (DH thinks I would be, but I'm not sure if she has even thought of it)

Sorry for the length - more of a rant than I thought! I just hope she doesn't seriously regret some of the choices she has made....

OP posts:

keepsmiling2015 · 12/04/2015 15:35

I've never heard of any bride or groom arranging childcare for their guests' children.

shewept · 12/04/2015 15:36

It reads to me as if people don't want to put the children in the car for 2 hours so are not going to go to the service.

Well surely if people won't drive a hour to the church and an hour back, they won't be going to the wedding at all? Surely people don't ditch the ceremony but go to the party after?

MoanCollins · 12/04/2015 15:40

If her closest friends and relatives are dropping out because they won't put up with some minor inconveniences on the day then her closest friends and family are not very nice people.

I can understand people only wanting to do one night of the hen. I find these extended expensive hen dos a pain and a bit rude to be honest.

But if people are snubbing her wedding because they object to a relatively reasonable length of travel time and they can't be arsed to mind their own kids at the reception then that's nasty.

She's not asking you to slog to Antartica. She's not banning all your children and expecting you to fund childcare out of your own pocket. She actually seems to be making quite a big effort to include children in the day.

Just don't go. Let your DH go with the older children and have fun. You obviously don't like her and are going to sit with a face on however the day turns out so just say it's too soon after the birth and don't go. Everybody will probably have a better time if you do that and stay home with the baby.

MoanCollins · 12/04/2015 15:42

Then DD can stay downstairs with DH and enjoy the fun rather than being shunted out of the way with a babysitter.

BatteryPoweredHen · 12/04/2015 15:42

Goodness, she wants to have the hen of her choice, then both the marriage ceremony and reception at venues of her choosing?

...and she expects you to actually parent your own children?

How very dare she?

IHateHelloKitty · 12/04/2015 15:42

YABU. As the bride how dare she organize the hen do she wants!

I really do not get how the bride enjoying herself should ever get trumped by bridesmaid/guests' desiderata. If I had not pulled the plug on it, I would have got dragged to Vegas, to spend my hen do with strippers at a casino when all I really want (and have planned instead) is to go to a music festival in the middle of the woods and camp there afterwards!

Re potential logistics issues, I would expect my friends to point them to me but would definitely not appreciate to have requests to accommodate their own comfort over the fact that it is my bloody wedding day.

FFS her wedding day is not happening for your own entertainment!

Aridane · 12/04/2015 15:46

It's wedding, not a nursery...

Kampeki · 12/04/2015 15:50

What an odd idea. I have been to tons of weddings, they've either been child free (which I don't like but each to their own) or the kids just run around and enjoy themselves while the parents keep an eye!

People have "wedding crèches" now?

MammaTJ · 12/04/2015 15:52

I would feel bad if having loads of uncontrolled kids ruined her special day

Well, control yours and hope everyone else does the same!

I am sure we must be related ESD, my family wedding are like that and I would not have it any other way!

My DD1 got married last year and the youngest flower girl's mum was trying to keep her still during the service. This resulted in said child screaming, so I could not hear a thing. I turned round to her and told her weddings are a family occasion and she would be ok to run around. That was much better and she ran to her Daddy, who was the Best Man. No-one minded and my DD was grateful I had stopped the screaming from continuing.

My DD2 and DS seemed to look after this little girl for most of the reception, but they like doing that and it allowed all the adults a bit of time to enjoy themselves except me, because I needed to supervise my then 7 and 8 year old looking after her.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 12/04/2015 15:58

Kids have never spoiled a wedding. They run about, the parents control them when they misbehave. It's really simple.

I think you're nit picking. Your SIL has made some plans she's excited about, confided in you that she's upset about certain people not making it, and you'be basically slagged her off for not doing it the way you would of done it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 12/04/2015 16:05

The service is the wedding. I can't believe people would go to the reception and miss the actual wedding

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/04/2015 16:06

She needs to deal with the fact that she has the right to have her day the way she wants it... but not everyone will want to/be able to go. I was a bridesmaid for SIL a couple of years ago and didn't go on her hen weekend.

People can only do what they're comfortable with/able to. We've got an issue coming up as a good friend of OH's is getting married; he's best man and I've agreed to be their photographer. We have no childcare for DD. Now this is a wedding where I'd love there to be a creche

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swingball · 12/04/2015 16:18

No one wants to drive an hour somewhere and an hour back? I'm not getting this. It seems very mean. Also I recently went to a country house hen where there weren't enough beds but we managed and had a fantastic time. And lots of us had young kids, guess what!

KoalaDownUnder · 12/04/2015 16:21

Is going to the reception and not the wedding ceremony normal in the UK, then, or not?

It's not normal at all in Australia. You are always invited to both, and you either go to the whole thing, or not at all. It would be considered v rude to skip the ceremony bit (i.e. the actual wedding), and just go to the reception (the party afterwards)!

Anyway, I think wedding crèches are weird, and refusing to attend a ceremony because it's an hour's drive away (big deal) is pathetic.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuddledMavis · 12/04/2015 16:27

It would be my worst nightmare if I went to a wedding with my children and they had arranged childcare I was to use-my dd has asd and is adverse to strangers no matter what fun things they may be offering. I'm planning my wedding at the min, I will be arranging some childcare for the morning whilst I'm getting ready and possibly for part of the reception but it will be for my children only-and mainly so that if did with asd is struggling she has someone on hand to help her without myself or (soon to be) dh missing out on aspects of the day.

londonrach · 12/04/2015 16:31

Thats a new one to me..childcare at a wedding. Its up to the parents to either sort out childcare if children arent coming to wedding or children to just run around, play with each other before falling asleep on chairs etc at the wedding. Yabu.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 12/04/2015 16:34

Is going to the reception and not the wedding ceremony normal in the UK, then, or not?

In the UK it isn't uncommon to have the service, main reception then an evening reception. Views on evening reception is mixed but generally additional guests are invited to that, sometimes the service can be too small to include everyone due to location ie my local registry office though a beautiful building only takes about 15 people in which case it is acceptable to invite extra to the main reception. What isn't acceptable is to invite people to the service and then not to the main reception or for guests to decline an invite to the service but then attend the main reception.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2015 16:36

YABU, and condescending and patronising.

ApocalypseThen · 12/04/2015 16:38

I read about baby crèches when I was organizing my wedding so I asked some of the guests whether that's something they'd like. The answer was no - they wouldn't like a gang of kids in a hotel room supervised by only one or two people they didn't know. I considered a party bus, but the parents felt they'd need to supervise that so it'd be more hassle. In the end, people who wanted to bring their children and supervise them at the wedding did, and those who didn't left theirs at home.

It was a journey for some of our guests but they all came and some of them read despite having children. Mind you, none of my sisters in law were gleefully waiting for me to have a disappointing day, so that probably helped.

KurriKurri · 12/04/2015 16:38

I don;t think any of the traveling is unreasonable - one hour, two hour drives, hotel four hours away - none of that sounds excessive - I've always travelled to weddings, surely not really possible to arrange a wedding that is located perfectly for every guest? I don;t think a hen do 2 hours away is awful either - loads of people have them abroad, or have several 'do's' - that is a bit much,but a weekend in a country house hotel - not too bridezilla as far as I can see.

Never had childcare at weddings either - the kids are either not invited or they are and they join in the dancing etc. IME people esp. old folk like to see the children having a good time and there is usually plenty of room for them to run about and plenty of adults willing to dance with them. If you think they are too young to manage, you have too leave a bit early or arrange your own childcare.

I think people who are refusing to do readings etc. because of an hours drive are being a it feeble frankly. I bet those people think nothing of driving for a couple of hours to go on an outing. Kids will probably fall a sleep in the car, and its always possible to take them outside for a bit at a church ceremony if they can't sit still. Sounds to me as if people are looking for excuses not to go for some reason.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/04/2015 16:39

Thanks for the explanations - so yes, sounds like what these parents are planning is rude, if they're invited to both but just can't be arsed going to the ceremony.

shewept · 12/04/2015 16:39

In UK you can be invited to both or just the reception

Not quite as simple as that Imo. People are usually invited to the ceremony and full reception or to the evening reception only.

I have known ceremonies where only close family have been to the church and then everyone at the reception.

However if you are invited to both ceremony and full reception, its very bad form to only go to the reception and blow off the actual wedding bit. If you were invited to the ceremony and evening reception, not going to the ceremony would be ok, as you have 4/5 hours to kill in the middle.

I don't believe people would travel 4 hours to a hotel then refuse to drive a further hour to a church (or just drive to the church) but still show up at the reception immediately afterwards.

People will probably just say they can't attend and I don't believe most people will decide to not go because she hasn't paid for childcare.

AlmaMartyr · 12/04/2015 16:40

Sorry but I think YABU. I would not expect childcare put on at a wedding, kids normally just run around at a reception.

It is a shame about her hen but it is up to her what she wants to do. I can understand people being reluctant to go for a weekend, although all stag/hen parties that DH and I have been to have been weekends.

It is not ideal to have the church and reception so far apart but not unheard of, we've been to at least one wedding (with small children) that had a long drive between the two. Honestly, I'm not surprised she feels hurt that close friends are being so rude as to not attend her wedding and just go to the reception. That's pretty sad for her and I think her friends have let her down badly.

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