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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 13:49

it won't be long before your son won't want you coming to watch him play either because you know, you'll embarrass him

We still watch ds3-15 every week, no word that we embarrass him or from any of teh other boys about their parents and Grandparents.

Also watch ds1-19 when he's home from Uni and plays.

Floisme · 12/04/2015 13:52

Well you're very lucky stillstaying and I envy you. Smile

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 13:52

". They need to give you some time and space.

  1. It's his responsibility to ensure this, not duck out and blame you because it's the easiest option."

No! If the DH is to blame his wife that's because she is to blame! She's the only one complaining! She's the one who's insecure and possessive.

It's not his responsibility to lie to his parents or avoid speaking to them because the OP wants him to. Nor is it his responsibility to tell his parents that he doesn't want them at the boy's match because that's not how he feels.

Chellors
The only thing the DH can reasonably do is tell the truth. "Mum, Dad, I've no problem with your attendance at DS's football matches but it's pushing Chellors nose out of joint, she's insecure about it and she's getting argumentative with me over it".

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you've a problem, woman up, speak it and own it. Don't expect your husband or anyone else to do your dirty work.

KatieScarlettreregged · 12/04/2015 13:53

What still said. At least he can drive himself now and we don't have to sit through the pre match trainingSmile
It's been 13 years so far.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 13:54

Flois We love it! Wink

PeachyPants · 12/04/2015 13:58

But hoobypickypicky I don't think it sounds like he does necessarily want them there OP said DH has never said he wants them there and has never actively invited them, they've always invited themselves - but equally has never said he doesn't want them there. I know he does get where I am coming from in terms of their constant need to be involved in everything and it does annoy him sometimes but not enough to say something - he just wants an easy life which I can understand I think in dealing with these issues it's best for couples agree together what they want and then to present a united front. I don't think OP needs to 'woman up' to speak to them about this, it's just that the best outcome might be achieved is if their son speaks to them instead.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/04/2015 14:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable either and agree with Peach.

My DPs don't take any interest in my DC. You can be involved without being overbearing. If there are already problems spending more time together would be difficult. Sounds stressful, I can see why you find this difficult.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 14:07

Why should their son speak to them, Peachy? Why put himself 'in the firing line' when it's not him who's acting possessively and doing the complaining?

If the OP wants changes she should act like an adult and request them. If she has issues she should be honest and voice them, not sit back complaining like a little girl and wait for/expect hubby to do it for her.

Her husband may not actively wildly desire his parents' company at the football matches but he appears to be happy to accept it so it really isn't his problem to solve.

keepsmiling2015 · 12/04/2015 14:21

I agree with some other posters that you sound very insecure. Especially when you say that you see mil as 'muscling in' when talking to the other mums, I mean come on.

I think yabu!

PeachyPants · 12/04/2015 14:24

I just think that it would be more productive in the long run to tackle this as a couple with DH taking the lead as they are his parents. If she speaks to them I think there is more of a risk of her being scapegoated as the wicked DIL and that will help nobody. I don't think it means she's acting like a little girl, I'd expect my DH to take the lead in issues to do with his parents and I'd do the same with mine. If it seemed as though he actively wanted them to come then my advice would be different, something along the lines of try and deal with this for his sake, but I don't think that is the case, I think he's just acquiescing, maybe that's how his relationship with his parents has always been but I think he needs to give greater prominence to his wife's feelings in this instance.

IvyWall · 12/04/2015 14:27

Kids football is not an invitation only event. You don't need a ticket. You don't need to reserve a space.

If the grandparents want to watch their grandson play football they don't need an invitation, they can just turn up

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 14:28

"If she speaks to them I think there is more of a risk of her being scapegoated as the wicked DIL and that will help nobody"

I wouldn't use the word "wicked"- but replace it with "controlling" or "unreasonable" and she is being, isn't she? What ar you expecting this man to say to his parents?

Maryz · 12/04/2015 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shockers · 12/04/2015 14:34

I'd love it if any of our DC's grandparents took an interest in their sports.

It's a long pitch with enough room down the side for all who are prepared to get battered by the winter weather, I suppose?

Mintyy · 12/04/2015 14:35

Absolutely no way are you being U op! I can't believe anyone seriously thinks you are Confused.

Its very very difficult because they obviously have no sensitivity to the concept that you don't want to spend every Saturday morning with them, and that they are muscling in on your social life. However, I think the only solution would be for you to say something to them. Your dh is obviously not used to putting boundaries in place with them.

I hope in time to be a mil myself. I would never ever dream of insisting on my son and his dp seeing me every single week, come what may! Good lord.

PeachyPants · 12/04/2015 14:41

I don't think she is being controlling or unreasonable though, she stated several times that she's not trying to stop them coming just that she doesn't want them there every week, especially given the context of them being overbearing in other areas. I know kids' football is not an invitation only event, neither is a wedding in a church but I think it would be best if they waited to be asked rather than repeatedly texting and just turning up. I'd suggest her DH could say something like 'actually this week we ere thinking it'd just be the four of us going but there's a tournament coming up in a few weeks why don't we all plan to go to that?'

ChocolateCherry · 12/04/2015 14:43

I disagree. The op doesn't sound 'insecure' at all. She sounds like she'd like to have some, (some not all) of this time for her, Dh and ds and a chance to get to know other parents instead of every time, set in stone, to include the inlaws.

They are quite simply being over-bearing and it's annoying. Nothing more than that. I assume everyone has their own inner thermostat on when involved becomes overbearing and the op has reached that point.

Some people may not understand where she's coming from because reading this, for many, the only two defaults on here seem to be 1: uninterested GPs = bad, 2: full on gps =brilliant. There is a middle ground too. It's all she wants.

(Oh Chellors why ever did you post this on Aibu? Wink Youve taken an undeserved hammering.)

J62 · 12/04/2015 14:53

YANBU completely understand how you feel having been in same position. Think probably best to accept though that they are going to come to football. There will be lots of other things you will do without grandparents being involved (hopefully your husband will agree not to mention other events that you want to attend on your own). Maybe difficult for grandparents

shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowderMum · 12/04/2015 15:05

YABU - My DD plays football, if anyone other than me wants to watch they are welcome, although I really can't understand why the other week when the rain was driving sideways and the wind was turning my weatherproof gold umbrella inside out, nobody came and joined me. Its a full 90 minutes too.

My nephews are at the beginning of the football scene (so 10 mins each way still) and thankfully my SIL is not as protective of her little family as you are, so anyone is free to pop along and watch, I'm even allowed to talk to others on the touchline, to give my nephews encouragement etc. especially when it's training not a match (all within the fair play rules). My parents especially DF is heavily involved and my SIL is more than grateful, she has 3 boys and the oldest 2 can have matches at different venues so my DF will take one, my DB the other and SIL can look after the baby and pop along to whichever she wants.

But then as I seem to keep posting on here we are a close family all living within 10 miles of each other with a town central to us and we are comfortable with being in each others lives be it in laws or parents which just doesn't seem to be the situation with many mumsnetters.

Gingerandcocoa · 12/04/2015 15:06

I hope and pray my son marries someone more flexible and accommodating than you.... It'd break my heart if his future wife didn't want us around for no real reason at all.

Since you have sons it might help the situation to put yourself in their shoes, down the line.

Tanith · 12/04/2015 15:10

Op is getting different answers because some posters are ignoring that important first paragraph in the OP that states there is a backstory of interference and boundary-pushing from the PIL.

Some of us are commenting based on that history, and some of us are choosing to ignore it and comment only on the football.

caroldecker · 12/04/2015 15:11

Think how you may feel in 30 years time as someone's MIL

ChocolateCherry · 12/04/2015 15:14

Agree with Tanith.

FromSeaToShining · 12/04/2015 15:16

YABU. Your in-laws want to watch their grandson play football. Your MIL chats with the other people there. OMG, the bastards, how very dare they?!

I think it is lovely that they want to be involved in your DS' life. He may not seem to pay attention to their presence at this point, but in years to come he may well look back on these years and remember very fondly that his grandparents came to watch him play football. I grew up without grandparents and always felt that I'd missed out when I saw friends and their GPs.