Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/04/2015 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontseeanydragons · 12/04/2015 12:58

I loved it when my parents or IL's came to watch DS playing football - he inevitably wanted to go back with one set of grandparents afterwards so in midwinter when he was eyeball deep in mud he could muck up their bath instead of ours Grin
Now it's just 40 over cricket which means a full day of extended family and friends and a nearby clubhouse bar.

Sparklingbrook · 12/04/2015 12:58

The tournaments can be a real hoot.Boiling hot day. Picnic chair, picnic, sun cream. Team and all the parents/Grandparents/whoever. Beer tent opens about 11.30am. Oh and there's football somewhere if you fancy watching a match now and again. Grin

We did one with an overnight stay which was interesting. Wine

PeachyPants · 12/04/2015 12:59

I think everyone saying you should be grateful to have PIL who want to be involved are being unfair because they are ignoring the wider context, it's horrible having intrusive and overbearing family. I was wondering as the social aspect is important to you could you organise a Mum's night our or some meet up away from the football?

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 13:00

"Imagine the conversation 'Chellors doesn't want you there every week, you're muscling in on her parenting of ds.'"

That's the solution, isn't it?

Ask your DH to tell his parents exactly that, Chellors, while making it plain that they're your wishes and yours alone and certainly not his. Better still, tell them the truth yourself. Don't pressure DH into lying to his parents, avoiding their calls and texts or dictating what they can do. If you have such a huge need to control their perfectly reasonable and caring behaviour just be honest about it.

"he needs to find his backbone and do something to try and sort this out so everybody is happy or at least agree to compromise."

Bollocks he does, sugar! It's not his problem, or at least it's not of his making. If the OP this "sorted out" then she needs to find a backbone and do something about it! She's the one creating the problem!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 12/04/2015 13:01

Beer tent???? On second thoughts I think my Ds should be encouraged
forced into participating in this football malarkey...just for info, what time does the beer tent close?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 13:01

It's not about the OP. She's not playing. Her son is, their grandchild - it's about HIM.

Why aren't fathers like this? They have the same claim on their children... mothers sometimes, urgh!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 13:01

Football mum night outs! WineWineWine

Maryz · 12/04/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 12/04/2015 13:02

Grin When the tournament finishes Chris. the BBQ is usually in full swing too, and then Mr Whippy turns up in the afternoon. Smile

MadgeFinn · 12/04/2015 13:03

I'd let them enjoy coming to watch their grandson play football. It's good that they show interest, (so many don't) and it all helps to enrich your sons life. Yes they had that time with their own son and why shouldn't they also have that time with their grandson. Them being there shouldn't spoil your day out, be happy to see them happy and your son and DH happy. Don't spoil it all for everyone, stopping them from coming will only sour things for all of you.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 13:04

*If the OP wants this "sorted out.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 13:06

"YANBU! This is totally the kind of thing my PILs would do."

BaSTARDS!!

Original poster
Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 13:06

I have never said I dont want them to watch DS play football just dont see why it needs to be in their weekly calendar, I dont see anyone else's GP's there every week, just ad-hoc which is what I would see as normal. But yes I probably do have a bee in my bonnet as from day 1 PIL's have always tried to co-parent which is clouding my judgement and makes me defensive.

I've suprised myself how much I enjoy watching the matches every week (its only 10 mins e/w) and its opened up a bit of a social scene which we were lacking and perhaps I am being selfish to find GP's wanting to come every week intrusive.

OP posts:
Ejzuudjej · 12/04/2015 13:08

Yanbu. They should wait to be invited.

PrettyLittleMitty · 12/04/2015 13:08

Going against the grain here and saying YANBU. My own parents are very overbearing and have crossed boundaries many times. I don't think people really understand how this constant need for involvement in everything from GP's can really effect you unless they have to live with it.
I'm not saying they should not be allowed to watch at all, just that it doesn't have to be every single week. Sometimes it's nice to be able to do things with your own little family without having other people tag along. That's not unreasonable.

businesshoursareover · 12/04/2015 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sparklingbrook · 12/04/2015 13:09

10 minutes each way. Envy

LucilleBluth · 12/04/2015 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 13:12

I've seen the term your/her "little family" twice on this thread and countless times on MN overall. It makes me cringe and bristle at the same time because overwhelmingly it's used by people who are trying to justify their or others' overbearingly possessive attitude towards their immediate family unit.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 13:13

Do as suggested upthread, organise a night out with the other Mums, that way you'll feel you've got something 'exclusive' that MiL can't elbow her way into.

Floisme · 12/04/2015 13:14

Can somone please provide a list of things I might be able to do without causing offence should I ever be lucky enough to become a grandmother?

IvyWall · 12/04/2015 13:14

I've been a football mum for several years and I think you are being totally unreasonable, presumably because of other history

Lots of grandparents come to watch, some parents don't bother to come and send their children with other parents. All are welcome and it's hardly a social activity in the same way as going out for a family meal or something.

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 13:15

God I really do dread becoming a MIL, at the mercy of a DIL who can control everything.

It's lovely they take an interest in their grandson and that they get to spend regular time with their son as well. Wives don't own their husbands and can't expect they ditch their parents as soon as the ring is on.

riverboat1 · 12/04/2015 13:15

I guess the issue is that you find them annoying and don't particularly get on with them. So of course you don't like that you now are in a position where a social/family outing you enjoy now includes them too, lessening your own enjoyment of it.

It's normal that there are other adults in life that you don't get on with or 'spark' with and find rather irritating. It is just unfortunate when it's your in-laws...

My DP's parents are perfectly nice people, but I have nothing in common with them, in terms of sense of humour / interests / things we want to chat about. So inevitably I do find them irritating when they are around for prolonged periods of time.

The thing is, they are not actually doing anything WRONG so there's no point me getting dramatic about it all. Just have to count my blessings and get on with things really, be polite and friendly etc.

And I think the same goes for you here. It's perfectly understandable that you're annoyed that they now want to come along to football every week and that you'd have a much nicer time if they weren't buzzing round. But if your DH and your DS both want them there, and they want to be there, and they are not actually being difficult or rude or anything...what can you do but just look on the bright side and try to get on with things? Unless you're prepared to really offend/upset them and act quite selfishly by telling them outright you don't want them to come.