Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

[Chellors123]

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

If you want to socialise with he other mums without your mil there, then why don't you ask if they want to take your other ds out somewhere for a few hours?

Is Dh an only child? I am and so is my Ds so my parents do like to get involved in everything. For the most part I encourage it as ds is just such a joy to them and I see how happy it makes them. They have been very good to us and really helped out a lot when I returned to work for a while when ds was young and I feel that I just can't take when it suits

I do still have to manage it slightly as they would come everywhere with us and we do need some time for us

Part of it , I think, was that they both retired and for a while had nothing else really to focus on. They have both recently started new hobbies and improved their social lives , so things have balanced out a bit

Flo, there's no list as whatever you do will be wrong . If you take an interest you are seen as controlling and will be told you have had your go at parenting. Don't take an interest and you are selfish and mean. Whatever present you buy them will be wrong and you should have consulted them first. Childcare will be expected on tap, said child will come with a list of instructions as to what needs to be done at what time, what foods are banned and where they are allowed to go.

YY to ^ Maryz.

We had to juggle three and Grandparents' help was invaluable transporting and supporting them.

DS never asks if GP's are coming or really acknowledges that they are there, as he runs off to join his mates as soon as we get there and then we all leave staight after.

Yes PIL's are not my cup of tea but I am always polite, we've never argued and they have always had regular access to DS's at least once a week where they have 1:1 time with them. I find some of the comments a little harsh as I do mean well and its not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings/cause upset.

Oh dear OP, we are doting grandparents, but are very careful of encroaching on family time and would not dream of going without an invite. Grandparent love is a fierce thing, but you do not ride roughshod over others' feelings. They surely must feel the cool reception of their ideas by now?

Your problem is Dh wanting them there (probably delighted that his Dad is seeing this again.

I think you are not being unreasonable,especially if Mil is very charismatic ,thus denying you the chance to make friends.Sorry that you are so resentful and sad.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, either.

It isn't just the football, is it? It's their desire to force themselves into your lives at every opportunity (it is right there in the first paragraph of the OP, so not sure why so many posters are missing/ignoring it).

I think you need to make clear to your DH that

1. It's not about the football
2. They need to give you some time and space.
3. It's his responsibility to ensure this, not duck out and blame you because it's the easiest option.

How can you possibly work together as a family with your inlaws breathing down your necks all the time?

Yadnbu.

I can see to those who would like more gp interest this seems an invalid or ridiculous problem. But my inlaws can be very much the same and have have been similarly overbearing. They do push in when sometimes it would be better if they just held back just a little.

It does seem that way Littlemonsters. What if I die and leave them the house - will that be acceptable?

Well since your husband disagrees with you - and these are HIS parents, not yours, you could do worse than back off and not cause bad feeling at home. Don't kid yourself that your PILs don't know your feelings, they will.

If you really do mean well and don't intend to hurt then stop doing it. These matches are in a public space and you have absolutely no right to say who can and can't attend.

There have been some useful suggestions for you to make friends with these mums and see them outside the matches if you want to, perhaps your PIL will even babysit for you... if you don't alienate them in the meantime.

It's not about the football
They need to give you some time and space.

You're on a big field and it is about the football in this instance, OP can stand away from them.

YANBU. I feel your pain OP. Much as I "love" my PIL, I really didn't want them turning up for every event that involved my DC. An occasional event was fine. You are right about the "give an inch, take a mile". For example, my youngest DD was involved in netball. I invited my PIL to watch a game, offering to pick them up and have tea after. The following week, I was expected to invited them and was harassed by phone calls and being called selfish by DH because I refused! Lesson learned. I didn't invite them again.

My god Lucille, you sound deranged! You will override your dil's wishes or she can fuck herself!? Nice.

It's a bit shit if they do indeed know her feelings LWITW and are still persisting with going every week and repeatedly texting for the times and location of the latest fixture. I think if I was in that situation I would try and back off a little. OP do you think your DH actively wants them there or is it that he acquiesces for a quiet life?

As a mil myself but not a GP I can see your point op.

I certainly would ask if I could go along to a match or two, sunny day but not every week as it's your family time weekend.

Your dh should be regarding your feelings in this and hinting to his parents that they are welcome say every other match.

Frankly surprised the GP Havnt got busy lives themselves really.

Mind you I bloody hated the football years with dss. Now cricket was far more delightful with the sun and the bar!

Op before you know Know where you are your ds will be ignoring all of you at weekends and out with his mates. It doesn't last long.

The only way your pil could affect the relationships with the other kids parents is if you're seen to be snippy with them. Overbearing pils+ gracious DIL, I'd think what a saint. Overbearing pils+ snippy DIL and I'd think less of her.
No one will mind them there unless you seem to.

DH was the team coach for both DS and DNeph.
For years and years and years.
Grandparents and ILS and their parents and the dogs and the estranged parents and their SO's...
Then you can complain

DH has never said he wants them there and has never actively invited them, they've always invited themselves - but equally has never said he doesnt want them there. I know he does get where I am coming from in terms of their constant need to be involved in everything and it does annoy him sometimes but not enough to say something - he just wants an easy life which I can understand.

Does a football spectator need a formal invite to watch kids football on a school field?.

No and telling them not to turn up because they irritate you isn't going to make your relationship any smoother.

You see Chellors123 I think that is significant, I can understand that DH wants a quiet life and to avoid conflict, but it puts a different complexion on things to the way some PP's have construed the situation in that he and your DS really want them to come and that you are being petulant and possessive. I think it is a really tricky situation and there isn't an easy solution if you say something you might stir up bad feeling but if you don't are you just making more of a rod for your own back and making it harder the next time they cross boundaries, as you've said they tend to take a mile. Whatever you decide to do I don't think YABU for feeling the way you do and I hope you can find a way forward with this.

Maryz I can picture the thread now: 'Aibu to think my MIL could at least have cleaned her house before she croaked'...

Op, to give you a more considered answer: it won't be long before your son won't want you coming to watch him play either because you know, you'll embarrass him. I would forget everyone and everything else and just enjoy this magical stage while you still can.

Just how much can they invite themselves to OP? You have family time away from the pitch, don't you? You and your husband have control over the time they spend with you and you with them, away from that.

I have a bit of sympathy for you as you sound very jaded about it but, you need to work out with your husband what involvement his (and your) parents have, what time they spend with you in your own space - and then you'll be aligned, you/he can invite them and just say, "Sorry, PIL/Mum/Dad/whomever, we're going to do this as a threesome today/or whenever it is. See you at the match on x-day/y-time?".

Match day seems ideal... you can go home after the match, via Cumbria or wherever, if that deters hangers on.

Just don't alienate them please because it's your son who will suffer if you do.