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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
Mintyy · 12/04/2015 15:17

"I hope and pray my son marries someone more flexible and accommodating than you.... It'd break my heart if his future wife didn't want us around for no real reason at all.

Since you have sons it might help the situation to put yourself in their shoes, down the line."

This is such a load of self pitying, martyrish bullshit. Op doesn't simply doesn't want them to invite themselves along every week. Every week. Surely, surely this is not unreasonable?

kent43 · 12/04/2015 15:17

I am on the fence here. I think gps coming every week is full on. However, I would love it if my dc had granparents who are able to take an interest.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 15:21

"Some of us are commenting based on that history, and some of us are choosing to ignore it and comment only on the football."

I wasn't ignoring it. I was assuming that as the OP appears to regard her son's grandparents coming to watch him play 20 minutes of foorball on a Sunday and her mil chatting to people on the touchline as overbearing and over involved then the other examples are similar. If this is the one that she chooses to write a long post about.

shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:23

I don't think YABU (but I'm not sure about your reasoning that 'they've had their turn', now it's yours with your ds Confused that's a bit odd).

My dc are very lucky to have grandparents who love to watch them in all their various endeavours and live locally but I would go demented if they attended all matches and events. So YANBU - but not sure there is a solution really...

FleeBee · 12/04/2015 15:24

It is a dilemma as my DC do an activity & when DC1 is competing the only people who will watch are me, DH & DC2 I do feel a bit envious of those with extended family cheering them on.
That said FIL & step MIL do drive me up the blinking wall - DH too & due to issues we don't have much contact at all. So are my DC missing out? But at least I have my sanity by not spending time with a pair of loons (PIL)

FromSeaToShining · 12/04/2015 15:24

Op is getting different answers because some posters are ignoring that important first paragraph in the OP that states there is a backstory of interference and boundary-pushing from the PIL.

It's hard to know how to take that information from the OP since I think it depends on what the OP defines as "overbearing behaviour and crossing boundaries." Maybe the in-laws' past crimes are as mild as wanting to watch their grandson play football, which I wouldn't call interfering.

Original poster
Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 15:26

Minty has hit the nail on the head - I just think every week is full on. It's great they show an interest and I don't have a problem with them coming along just why every week. Which takes me back to since day 1 they have always been 'all or nothing'

Ok so the comment about talking to the other mums was a bit childish, it's just historical feelings over MIL wanting to be as involved as possible like she is reliving being a mum again.

Also have never felt football was an invite only event was just answering someone's question that DH had not preference on them being there or not

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 15:29

I'm not ignoring her back story but I don't know it Confused so can't comment on it.

The OP is about the football and that's what I'm commenting on.

Original poster
Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 15:30

I do however take on board everyone's comments and perhaps I do just need to accept this so as not to put DH in a 'piggy in the middle' situation.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 12/04/2015 15:39

As I said Chellors, end of the season is fast approaching.....

shirleybassy · 12/04/2015 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadgeFinn · 12/04/2015 15:54

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. There could be so many days in the future when it might be difficult for you to be able to take your DS to football, then you'll be glad of the inlaws help.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2015 15:57

" MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) "

When I read that, my first thought was 'Wendying'. OP has said that PIL are overbearing and push boundaries, keen to be involved in everything OP/DH/DSs do - MIL even wants OP's acquaintances to be hers, OP not allowed even that bit of personal space.

No OP, you are not being childish to have mentioned this, it encapsulates the problem in a way. They (PIL) are not content to leave you be, you're not even allowed to socialise without them pushing in - and when someone, anyone, pushes in on your coat-tails I think it is inevitable that you will feel pushed out.

I'm quite surprised by all the YABUs here.

MayLuke83 · 12/04/2015 15:58

OP, I don't think YABU but on a thread of this nature you will find the usual 'wait til you are a MIL!' brigade out in force. Presumably when you are a MIL you will not be overbearing or invite yourself everywhere as you'll know how it feels to be on the receiving end. I think gps tagging along every so often as nice, every week as annoying!

nesshitto · 12/04/2015 16:05

This reminds me of something out that book 'the little house'. You poor thing and everyone is piling in on you op to put up & shut up!!!

If it was the other way round and you were dumping on the in laws would they say anything to you?

Personally I would just say something. By avoiding it and ignoring calls it makes it worse. Your DH isn't going to help.

Try along the lines of we love you dearly but we would love to have some of these times on our own. You know to chat with other parents and get involved. You don't mind do you? I knew you'd completely understand - how about once a month we should all go together? Thanks ever so much.

End of conversation.

I don't think people understand how intimidating and overwhelming this kind of situation can be. Can you get yourself together enough just to tell them? You need to be quite direct & to the point.

jonicomelately · 12/04/2015 16:16

Your DH wants your in-laws to watch your DS play football, your PIL want to watch your DS play football and your DS presumably likes your PIL coming to watch him play. You on the other hand don't want them there. I totally get why you may not like it but I think you should think about whether your feelings on the matter should trump everybody else's wishes and feelings.

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 16:24

OMG. It is 20 minutes on a Saturday morning, they get themselves there, everyone leaves straight after the match. They are not pushing you out of the VIP stand, they don't need an invitation.

OP this is not about you, if you carry on like this I wouldn't be surprised if your son is soon saying, "Dad can you have a word with Mum. I don't mind her coming to some games but she makes such a fuss about it all I could do without her being there every week." and to be honest he would have my sympathy.

You will be the dreaded MIL one day and I wonder if your son will stick up for you?

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 16:30

OP I'm glad you see your comments about MIL talking to other people as childish as it sounds like something a 12 year old would say. Why don't you try to look at it in a positive way? They like to be involved which could mean them sitting in your house every Saturday (or Sunday can't remember which day he plays) but no they get their fix by standing in a big field with lots of other people. You really don't have to bother with them. Surely it is an ideal way to let them feel involved, minimum both to you?

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 16:30

Bother no both.

RupertsGirlGroom · 12/04/2015 16:32

Op, do you think that part of it you feel like they are 'stealing' your identity??? Reading your posts makes me think of when I had a friend who intruded into 'my stuff' to the point of even taking up the same instruments as me, and yes, wendying my friends a bit too. I just wanted to scream at her to get her own life! It felt like any new thing I did became hers because she dedicated herself to it so much that my attempts became shadowed by hers. Literally nothing was safe from her...so I totally get why you are fighting to keep 'your' things private.

FloristryCommission · 12/04/2015 16:39

I totally get what you mean OP. I love watching my DC play football and I'd be pissed off if my in-laws expected to be at every match. Luckily, they've never asked to come along. I've purposefully never invited them to school plays etc either. It's bad enough I have to live near to them, never mind having them encroach on my life too Angry

Mine are overbearing, give them an inch and they'll take a mile types as well. I hardly see my family due to distance, so I'm damned if the in-laws are getting all the good bits.

grannytomine · 12/04/2015 16:45

FloristryCommission your children's football and school plays aren't your life they are your childrens and enjoy them, just like the OPs in laws.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 16:50

FloristryCommission- I am assuming thwt was a spoof post?

FloristryCommission · 12/04/2015 16:53

It totally was not a spoof post; I have a lot of sympathy with the OP.