Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

[Chellors123]

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

"- Xmas and birthdays they ask what DS would like (yes great they ask) then buy that and at least 2/3 things on top and its always the biggest present

• Whenever DH mention he is taking a days leave in school holidays MIL always say dont worry I can have him. DH does say he actually would like to take the day off to spend with his sons"

Evil bitch. How dare she buy presents your son wants, and extra ones on top and go for the "biggest" present. How dare she offer to have your son during the holidays to prevent your husband having to eat into his annual leave.

The one issue I will grant you is the decorated nursery for DS and the drawer full of clothes "in case". Have you actually asked "In case of what?"

Written by hooby, who is another person who has posted more than once and who is not a MIL. In fact, I rarely agree with hakluyt, but I have to speak out for her on this occasion because I find your response to her rude and patronising, darkness.

I've posted plenty of times as well and I'm not a MiL, why's Hak getting the bums rush off you darkness?

The treating them differently has to stop. Is it favouritism or is it just that she buys the child she picks up from school something because they are at the shops together? Either way, you need to say something about that quickly before the younger one notices. Does it apply to the Christmas
and birthday presents as well?

Sorry OP, I'm not seeing 'over bearing' MiL from your last post but I am sensing you being insecure,sensitive and irritated by her presence.

As said I do understand FiL annoying you for being a shouty spectator, a number of times I've had to rein in my own Dad.

Don't get the power cut and hqving coffee with your mum ones- surely if you have no power and you have a key to a member of your family's house you go round there to make tea and get warm? I would text as I went- but it wouldn't cross my mind not to do it. Or be upset if anyone did it to me.

And hqving coffee with your mother? What's wrong with that?

Nothing on that list seems out of the ordinary to me, with the exception of treating the two grandchildren differently. That would be absolutely unacceptable to me. Otherwise, they sound like nice grandparents who want to be involved in their grandchildren's lives.

Obviously, everyone on this thread is entitled to their opinion, but I just think that if you have never had people in your life who feel they ought to be involved with EVERY single aspect then you have no idea how bloody draining & depressing it can be.
I can see my in-laws' house from mine and it absolutely enrages me most days. Ridiculous, but I've had a bellyful of them over the years and their insistence at being over involved has made me refuse to socialise with them at all now apart from 2/3 times a year. I hardly see them at all and that's how I like it.

I wasn’t intending to be insensitive or patronising, I genuinely thought that Hakluyt had an issue and that she might be projecting. It seemed her adamance was quite intense and although she is quite right in her response I have, as have many people, posted more than once, she has made the same point over and over , sometimes using exactly the same words.
So actually I was concerned, I am glad this appears to have been misplaced but saddened it has caused offence, this was far from my intention.

I find watching children's sports matches a bit tedious, they tended to be over an hour not just 20 minutes. luckily my kids weren't desperate to have me there and said they felt more self conscious with people they knew watching especially if they mucked something up which I can understand as I don't like being watched doing sport.
I'd probably leave my husband and his parents to it and do something with the other son.

Hmm, tricky. I can absolutely see where OP is coming from.
Some ILs do overstep the mark and become a right PITA. Those who get on really well and are happy to have that level of involvement don't understand what it can be like.

I have a friend who wanted to get married on holiday abroad, just the couple, and have a big reception on their return. Parents not happy but acepted it was their choice. All was set up, but then her parents turned up at their hotel the day before the wedding as a surprise, staying at the same hotel - so not only were they at the wedding when the grooms parents weren't, (had they told/invited the the grooms parents to join them in their 'lovely surprise' they would have tried to dissuade them out of respect for the couples decision) they were in the photos and on the honeymoon too !! REALLY bad entitled behaviour IMO.

I have another friend whose mother phoned them DD EVERY NIGHT of their married life, even on honeymoon or holidays/anniversaries. EVERY NIGHT. They divorced after 10 years. Too much parental presence can be a bad thing.

I 've had nothing so severe but I do remember being quite upset once when MIL asked what to get DDs age 3&5 for xmas - I gave her a big list of possible things from the elc like microwave, washing machine, toaster, kettle, pan set, tea set etc - I expected her to buy one each but she bought everything leaving us wracking our brains what to buy and her taking all the credit for their favourite presents. It stung!
Sometimes I would LOVE to go to one of the DDs many orchestral concerts etc just me and DH. It would be a sort of date, we could hold hands, talk to each other, be proud - it is not the same when ILs are there too. We entertain them rather than talking to other friends, its true.

Every other match is a perfectly reasonable compromise. DH ought to explain that they need the family time.

Not much to add on this other than to say re the coaching from the sidelines...EVERYONE might benefit if all spectators didn't do this. First week watching my son's football team, the coach had a word with the parents (and other relatives too, I guess) to say 'please, don't shout instructions re what to do, to them, as it will confuse them, especially since I may have been telling them to do something a particular way in any case. Say encouraging stuff but don't instruct or advise". We were told this once, a season and a half ago and it has held us in good stead...leave the coaching to the coaches. It does mean checking your ego at the door a bit, if you think you are a great footballer yourself, or that you son / a member of the team should be doing something, but it does make it less stressful and mean that you don't hate yourself after for shouting at the kids! So maybe, anyhow, amongst other stuff, like letting your in-laws come and watch or not....you could see if a "no coaching Grandad" rule would help you keep what could be unhelpful or overbearing comments to a minimum.

"I wasn’t intending to be insensitive or patronising, I genuinely thought that Hakluyt had an issue and that she might be projecting"

Interesting. Thank you for your "concern". Had you considered suggesting to the poster who said that she knew how the OP felt because her aunt tried to muscle in on a special mother's day lunch at school that she "had an issue"?

I wouldn't want grandparents to be trying to muscle in on all my kids' activities. Occasionally is fine but every week sounds OTT to me but I was brought up with 3 hours away grandparents and my parents have always been several hours away.
If your husband isn't bothered I'd just stop going yourself unless you're desperate to go and find a different activity for you and the other boy or use the time to do something yourself and leave boy 2 with dad.
As the kids get older and the matches longer and further away and the GPs frailer their interest in being involved in everything will recede. Coaches of older boys are also more assertive in telling interfering relatives to back off and leave the coaching to the coach.
Really glad my kids didn't have GPs who wanted them to be their hobby and main reason for existence.

Like a lot of things in life, you can have too much of a good thing.

They might be lovely people, but you do need some space for yourselves, whoever the lovely people might be.

I think you're not unreasonable if you've got that suffocating feeling that every time you turn round, there they are; every time you have a plan, they want to do it too. Everyone needs their space.

I suspect you're stuck with the soccer as it's maybe not worth the potential fall out for the sake of 30 minutes a week, though I get why it annoys you. If you need to, cut back on other arrangements with them - "no, let's leave meeting for supper till next Wednesday/whenever, after all we only just saw you at soccer....." - and use that time to do something else with your son or just the four of you.

I would definitely tackle the favouritism of one child over the other, if you think it's there.

Otherwise, limit information you give them - if they didn't know you had a tent, they wouldn't be thinking of getting one, and you wouldn't be worried you'll go camping, get up in the morning - and there they are camped next to you, or that they'll want to come on trips with you.

If they don't know your husband's having a day off, they can't interfere with your plans for it.

The room and clothes etc for your son is odd, but so what, it's their money and just because it's there, doesn't mean you're obliged to let him stay over if you don't want to.

Pick your battles, and soccer may not be the one to fight - I've also had 2 kids in soccer same time, different fields, and another driver or supervising adult you can drop off while you go to the other game is a wonderful thing, as others say.

oh, and don't let them have a key if you don't want them popping in uninvited or for spurious reasons

I can't believe you object to them coming every week.
that is bloody lovely of them.
YABVU

YANBU to feel strongly about this as you're entitled to your own feelings but perhaps your strong feelings in general are clouding this situation a little.

I think you need to ask yourself what this is really about.

I get the feeling that you found this great fun thing to do with your son and you feel like your IL's are muscling in and it's not longer about "you and your son" it's about "the family" and it's not special bonding time any more.

As kids grow up I see that some parents tend to feel pushed out of their lives. Like they need you less and you struggle to connect with them and feel like you have something in common.

If that is what the case is, perhaps you could say to PIL, "I understand you want to watch game but I'm really struggling with him growing up and feel like this is a great bonding time for just us. Do you mind giving this game a miss?" or "I get that you enjoy coming but I think it's a waste for just an hour, would you like to pick one event a month and we'll make an evening of it? You can come over for dinner" etc etc

Your in-laws could be feeling as disconnected as you're feeling or worried about feeling. Their children are grown up and now all they have are adult kids who don't need them any more. They don't have games to attend any more (and games were most likely different oh so many years ago), that time is "over" for them and that's kind of sad.

SO again, no, YANBU to feel how you feel but this will fester so I suggest having a chat with PIL about it and being honest to them about how you feel.

"Interesting. Thank you for your "concern". Had you considered suggesting to the poster who said that she knew how the OP felt because her aunt tried to muscle in on a special mother's day lunch at school that she "had an issue"?

I'm so glad I haven’t touched a nerve then, and you have been so gracious in accepting my apology.

If my inlaws had a power cut I'd have been upset if they felt they couldnt come and use our house, what the hell is wrong with them doing that in that situation? Would you have preferred them to sit in the cold and dark then, op.....actually, I think we all know the answer to that one! Fair enough, if they regularly popped in when we weren't there I'd be having the key back but really, get a grip Ffs, you're sounding petty in the extreme with this!

And as for having the cheek to pop round and actually have coffee with your mum....well, what a bitch? How can she sleep at night?

I think a lot of people on MN think if you marry someone you marry their entire family. You don't.

You didn't invite them and it is weird to invite themselves to every game.

Well, FerdinandsRevenge, I think it's weird to restart a thread exactly 2 years after it was originally posted .

Don't worry, Ferdinand - the zombie thread should be more clearly labelled or locked down. Other forums manage it. I posted on a few zombie threads myself yesterday