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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
BingBong36 · 13/04/2015 08:21

yAbu!!

My in-laws come every week to watch my son, I think it's great and it makes them happy as well as my DS.

You sound incredibly selfish and precious.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 08:39

20 minutes on a Saturday seems an ideal solution if you don't want to see much of them!
You have to bear in mind that friends are quite happy to chat. I have had friends apologise for their parents, who they clearly find embarrassing, the rest of us think they are quite charming (but then we are not related!)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/04/2015 08:40

Could it be that they are bored and they see this as a way to do something that they used to do when your DH was a kid so it's not strange for them, and they are trying to be sociable to the other parents?

I understand that they do it every week but if you don't want them there every week you have to tell them. Answer the phone and say "We'll DS isn't playing this week so there isn't any reason for you to get up early and stand on the sidelines" or "Well, MiL, we are going out directly after the match so there doesn't seem much point in you attending this week. We'll let you know when DS is playing again". Although these are your inlaws they are your DS grandparents and whether or not he runs off with his friends ahead of the matches or not, he does know that they are there and when he grows up he'll be able to say "I remember when Granny & Grampa used to come every Saturday to watch me play" and look back on those times with fondness. I know it'll drive you crazy but I'd suggest trying to sit down with your inlaws with your DH present and try and come to some sort of arrangement that they come to every second match or something. Get your DH to find out what they do in their spare time and if there is some other activity that you could find that interests them that might happen to be at the same time as your DS matches, all the better (for you).

Good luck with it!

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 08:45

"Could it be that they are bored......?"

Or, here's a thought. Could it be that they enjoy watching their grandson play football?

shirleybassy · 13/04/2015 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 09:05

SO agree wiht point 4 OP

nesshitto · 13/04/2015 09:06

Oh goodness sorry Hakluyt.

I only skimmed the thread. I see all your comments now. I missed the bit where you made up about it being only 20 minutes once a week.

You really are keeping the party going aren't you?!Wink

As you were.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 09:07

i have been stuck being kind and civil to granparents before at matches. Lovely as they are they often don't get that I dont give a fuck about their son when he was small.

I GET YOU OP

SaucyJack · 13/04/2015 09:10

YANBU. My mum is a Loud Grandparent. It's excruciating to watch, and stops me from inviting her to school plays etc.

People who have to take over are tiresome to be around.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 09:14

I missed the bit where you made up about it being only 20 minutes once a week.

She didn't make it up, what are you on about?

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 09:16

kid kicks ball " oh he gets that from me',,, then launches into a long story about the early 80s

grr

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 09:17

"only skimmed the thread. I see all your comments now. I missed the bit where you made up about it being only 20 minutes once a week."

If you "only skimmed" you will have missed the OP saying her son plays 10 minutes a side. So, actually 30 minutes with warm up and change over.

I retract 20 minutes and replaced to with 30 minutes.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 09:21

"i have been stuck being kind and civil to granparents before at matches. Lovely as they are they often don't get that I dont give a fuck about their son when he was small."

Ah, right. Now we're starting on the gratuitous ageism.

Maybe everybody over 60 (or possibly 50?) should stay indoors til they get a permission slip signed by 3 people under the age of 30?

BucketFullOfDinosaurs · 13/04/2015 09:30

To be fair, I've been stuck being kind and civil to all manner of annoying people at school events, not just to grandparents. But then I seem to have that "Come and talk at me, I'll be nice to you" look.

I do think the OP is getting a bit of a rough ride here. She not saying the GPs can never come, just that it would be nice for it to be open to discussion. As I said, my DH is from a family where everyone goes to everything, and it does get annoying - not least because I do think it's important for DS to have time with just his parents from time to time. In the frenzy of everyone being there it often becomes more about "a big family event" than about DS - DH's family can be a bit overbearing, and don't realise.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 09:34

not a permission slip [ was that snark?!] but if the OP wants to make her own mates of her own age with kids, then GPs muscling in will annoy her

DeeWe · 13/04/2015 09:41

I can see both sides.

For me: I would be thrilled if my pil/dp wanted to go and watch ds play football matches. That would be mostly because I really don't want to though. And I can definitely see the advantage of meeting once a week in neutral territory-where you don't even really have to talk to them because you're concentrating on the kids, particularly if you don't get on.
I have friendships of grandparents who I've got to know through pickups, and I don't regard them as less of a friend because they're not my generation, and I'm certainly not the only one. I'm about 40yo, I have parent friends who are 25yo, why is their friendship more desirable than a grandparent of 55yo?

On the other side: I don't make friends easily. Mil does. And she can talk for England and beyond. She's much more dominent than me, and I'm fairly sure if I was tentitively making a friendship with someone I hadn't known long, and she joined in, then very quickly I would be pushed out of the conversation without any malice intended.
I'm also fairly confident that at some point she would say something along the lines of "you know I once turned up to DeeWe's house and there was two weeks of dust on the mantelpiece" Yes, she has said that...
Also "normal" conversations that I have with friends where it goes along the lines of "we woke up so late this morning, got to go back to put the wash on or we won't get the uniform dried in time" would be judged and probably commented on negatively, possibly several times.

And from my point of view, not being confident with friendships I do find it difficult having two different sets of people around. I would probably deal with this one by greeting pil and then leaving them with dh while I went with my other friends, and I don't think pil would mind that at all.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 09:42

There is no need for Hakluyt to retract anything. The op herself has said it's 20 mins.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 09:48

But to be fair, might well stretch to 30 if theres an end swap and a player of the match at the end.......

darkness · 13/04/2015 09:52

Chellors although I would seem to be in the minority here I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all - if thats worth saying after all theses posts. I don’t know your circumstances but am wondering if this is in fact more about you building new networks rather than just about the PIL.
When you are out as a "family group" rather than as a couple people treat you differently - they assume that you are independent as a group and are less likely to approach you or chat to you - and if you are not native to an area or it is your first child it is really difficult to make those essential new connections, Having your PIL there all the time is not just a distraction - it is a barrier to new support networks and friendships and can be deeply frustrating. The distraction comes from feeling you have a duty of care for them and splitting your attention even further as well as impinging on your behaviour by not allowing you to relax socially.
If this is the case then your husband is not understanding the situation because he is not attempting to make these networking connections - he is invested in the event and not the wider implications of it.
I guess I would ask a couple of questions here - Who brings the friendships / social opportunities to your and your husbands relationships - is it largely you or is it shared?
and, Are you indeed new to the area or is your son your oldest / first child ?

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 09:58

Are grandparents ever allowed to do something just because they fancy it?

JeanSeberg · 13/04/2015 09:59

I dont give a fuck about their son when he was small

When did people become so rude and lacking in manners? What's wrong with indulging the PILs reminiscences? God forbid you dare to mention something about your son's childhood when you're a MIL.

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 10:11

OH i will smile and feign interest, of course. But excuse me for not being GRIPPED

ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 10:15

darkness has hit the nail on the head wrt friendships

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 10:21

"When did people become so rude and lacking in manners? What's wrong with indulging the PILs reminiscences?"

More to the point- why assume that anyone over the age of 55 is incapable of holding an interesting conversation, and needs to be indulged in their reminiscences? The casual ageism displayed here is extraordinary.

Songlark · 13/04/2015 10:21

i have been stuck being kind and civil to granparents before at matches. Lovely as they are they often don't get that I dont give a fuck about their son when he was small. Very gracious of you to be kind and civil to the auld ones. They really are a bit of a nuisance these grandparents, how dare they be proud of their grandkids.

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