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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 13:52

". Life is much pleasanter all round if you only make mutually agreeable arrangements or turn up to places where you're either invited or welcomed."

But "mutually agreeable " seems to mean "what the dil wants".

Floisme · 13/04/2015 13:53

Cece I've read your posts again and I see what you're saying about your own family situation. Fair enough. However, as I've just stated upthread, the op has given two examples how her in-laws 'muscle in' and I'm sorry but neither of them sound that terrible to me.

PaulineFossil · 13/04/2015 13:53

Question, not the rubbish I wrote!

shirleybassy · 13/04/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 13/04/2015 14:09

But it's the DIL who's made the arrangements for her son Hakluyt, so it is down to her. If it were the DIL inviting herself out to dinner with the PILs then that would be just as rude too.

It is quite simply bad manners to insist on inviting yourself to other people's days out, regardless of who you are.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 14:22

It is quite simply bad manners to insist on inviting yourself to other people's days out

It's kids football on a public pitch at the weekend where any man and his dog can stand and watch if he/she chooses.

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2015 14:25

I'm kind of torn on this one. I can see how it would be annoying but if it really is only for 20 minutes a week then I'd probably suck it up. I know what you mean about wanting to make friends as well without GPs muscling in, could you maybe have a BBQ for some of the other parents towards the end of the season?

Floisme · 13/04/2015 14:25

This is nothing remotely like a private dinner party. It's a public event that lasts for 30 minutes and the organisers are probably grateful for any support they get.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 14:29

Inviting yourself on a day out- unacceptable.
Inviting yourself to a dinner party- unacceptable.

Popping along to a football pitch in a public park to watch your grandson play football for 30 minutes?

DemelzaandRoss · 13/04/2015 14:51

The GPs can't win anyway. Damned if they do & damned if they don't. They're either interfering or uncaring. What goes around comes around.

DeeWe · 13/04/2015 14:53

Hakluyt I would read from what you are writing that you think "mutual agreement" = "what pil want" though.

A mutual agreement, where they have both compromised, so OP is happy for them to come sometimes, they don't come every time.

Op says it even:
I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

Do you not agree that seems fair enough?

And it would be the shouting at the teams that really would get me. That would be my df not fil though.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 15:01

Deewe- in this particular case then I think trying to stop them coming would be absurd. She doesn't have to stand with them or go anywhere with them afterwards- it's 30 minutes! I cannot imagine a way of putting it to them that wouldn't either be hurtful or make her sound like a loon.

But an absolute ban on shouting anything but generalised well dones or bad lucks obviously.

Original poster
Chellors123 · 13/04/2015 15:10

As requested further examples of what I consider to be over-bearing/crossing boundaries:

  • constantly buys DS new things pretty much gets something every other week, new toy, book, dvd. But not DS2 who MIL doesnt have once a week as goes to nursery
  • have decorated a new bedroom for DS, filled with toys, his school photos and a drawer full of clothes 'just in case;
  • We bought a tent, they are now 'talking' about buying one too
  • when DS was in nursery pre-school we had issues with his potty training and he got better whilst at nursery so for 1 WEEK only we put him in for the full week (so MIL didnt have him that week) and we had tears to DH 'I knew this would happen and you'd stop me having him
  • Let themselves into our house to use our facilities whilst we were away for the night as they had a power cut without checking in advance (we were only local)
  • Xmas and birthdays they ask what DS would like (yes great they ask) then buy that and at least 2/3 things on top and its always the biggest present
  • Whenever DH mention he is taking a days leave in school holidays MIL always say dont worry I can have him. DH does say he actually would like to take the day off to spend with his sons
  • When my mum is visiting MIL used to pop round while I was at work unannounced for a coffee with my mum

What I will say though is she has never been one of those MIL who critises my parenting style/think she knows best

Oh and its only a small pitch, PIL's make a beeline for me and DS and stands next to me (which I wouldnt expect them not to) which results in me having to listen to an over excitable MIL shouting encouragement loudly in my ear (its the loud thats irritating) and FIL calling out team members name for example 'xxxx pass it to xxx'

"Off to take cover now"

OP posts:
Tanith · 13/04/2015 15:19

Yes indeed, we can only go on what the Op says - and the Op clearly says right from the start that there is a back history of overbearing behaviour and pushing boundaries.

You don't need any more information than that to comment. If you want to qualify your comments or advice, then fine - but demanding more information than the Op is prepared to give is unnecessary and rude.

darkness · 13/04/2015 15:23

Hakluyt, you have very clearly and forcefully made the same point over and over again with what would seem to be increasing frustration. I would assume that some aspects of this thread have touched upon an issue you are heavily emotionally invested in. Would you perhaps consider starting your own thread to work those out ? Please link if you do as It would be a fascinating , if separate, issue.

grannytomine · 13/04/2015 15:28

Apart from treating your two sons differently none of those things seem a big deal, well I would probably want them to let me know they were in my house but then I wouldn't have given them a key so the problem wouldn't have arisen. Honestly offering to have your son? Not insisting or demanding but offering. Having a coffee with your mother, I suppose if she ignored your mother when she was visiting she would get criticised for that as well.

Just be honest whatever they do you will find fault, but really all this fuss about a kids football match.

I was surprised about her shouting encouragement, I thought she spent most of her time talking to her mothers.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 15:29

Frankly, none of those things are anything but normal family behaviour. Some of them are specifically grandpqrenty.....

The nursery one is a bit odd- had she any reason to think you might be making it permanent?

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 15:31

No, darkness, I am not a mil. And I am by no means alone in posting more than once on this thread......I think you have too, haven't you??

Original poster
Chellors123 · 13/04/2015 15:31

The chat is pre-match and during the half DS doesn't play as he rarely plays a full game as they rotate to give everyone a fair go. So they trek out every week for 10 mins of football.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chellors123 · 13/04/2015 15:34

Haklyut - absolutely no reason at all, was told it was 1 week only and it was because we (as his parents) thought it would help

OP posts:
Floisme · 13/04/2015 15:36

Grin at Hakluyt being the one who's emotionally invested. So all the other posters jumping in to complain about their own in-laws are being totally rational and impartial?

OK op, some of your redent points, particularly appearing to favour a child and letting themselves into your house - these I can sympathise with. Maybe they're the things to tackle? I still don't see how you can object to their coming once a week to a thirty minute public event.

Interesting too that your mother in law seems to be one copping for most of this and yet the only person I can see who might be out of order is your father in law when he shouts at the team.

grannytomine · 13/04/2015 15:41

Good point Floisme. FILs don't seem to raise the same irritation level as MILs, well some do but it seems less often to me. I've also noticed that MIL jokes always used to be aimed at the wife's mother but now MIL seems to automatically denote the fathers mother. Maybe thats just on MN.

WipsGlitter · 13/04/2015 15:43

Crikey they're hardly crimes of the century!!

constantly buys DS new things pretty much gets something every other week, new toy, book, dvd. But not DS2 who MIL doesnt have once a week as goes to nursery - fine just take them off him when he gets home or make the point in front of MIL that 'you have to share this with DS2'

have decorated a new bedroom for DS, filled with toys, his school photos and a drawer full of clothes 'just in case; - So what, they're not going to end up living there no matter how much she might like that - let her waste spend her money how she wants

We bought a tent, they are now 'talking' about buying one too - hmm tricky, my DSis's FIL camped near them last year, this year he's staying in the same villa. Proceed with care!!!

when DS was in nursery pre-school we had issues with his potty training and he got better whilst at nursery so for 1 WEEK only we put him in for the full week (so MIL didnt have him that week) and we had tears to DH 'I knew this would happen and you'd stop me having him - it's over now, let it go. Nothing came of it.

Let themselves into our house to use our facilities whilst we were away for the night as they had a power cut without checking in advance (we were only local) - get your keys back, if it bothers you that much do not enable this behaviour.

Xmas and birthdays they ask what DS would like (yes great they ask) then buy that and at least 2/3 things on top and its always the biggest present - what about your other child?

Whenever DH mention he is taking a days leave in school holidays MIL always say dont worry I can have him. DH does say he actually would like to take the day off to spend with his sons - she's trying to help, the number of threads on here about GPs not offering to help...

When my mum is visiting MIL used to pop round while I was at work unannounced for a coffee with my mum - what a bitch. Seriously, she was maybe trying to be nice.

I do get it. I have zero relationship with my FIL but he is only interested in himself. BiL would be round ours all the time if we let him. You've lost this on one and you will look like a pratt if you make a fuss, just be more circumspect in the future. Like i think BiL would like to come on holiday with us. We never offer/mention it so it's not going to happen.

ssd · 13/04/2015 15:46

seriously op, this would drive me bananas

why does she treat your ds's differently, have I missed that bit?

Floisme · 13/04/2015 15:47

grannytomine It really makes me laugh that so many mumsnetters really seem to believe it's only mothers of sons who get this image. I guess they must be too young to remember Les Dawson Grin