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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandson's Football - Whole Family Affair

355 replies

Chellors123 · 12/04/2015 12:21

In-laws have a history of 'overbearing' behaviour and crossing boundaries into parenting with my DS, they are both retired and are keen to be involved with everything we do which drives me nuts.

DS has started playing football and has a match every week. I enjoy going with DH and other DS, we meet up with the other mums/dad etc and its become quite a social thing. So now PIL's also want to come every week and text/ring us constantly to find out what time the game is and when they do come MIL spends most of match chatting to the other mums (which winds me up as I see this as another example of muscling in) meanwhile FIL is shouting instructions to the team! PIL's spent 20 years watching their DS play football everyweek and I just feel this is now my turn with my DS. I have no problem with them watching DS just not every week,

DH thinks IABU and says 'just let them get on with it' and doesnt see my problem, anyway we have had a massive row as we tried the dodge the calls/text route hoping they would get the message but we just got more calls/text/asked more. DH really shouted at me saying I dont understand it puts him in an uncomfortable position as he doesnt want to avoid calls and now we are not speaking. I do feel bad, am I being unreasonable to feel strongly about this and should I just back down for DH's sake?

OP posts:
ElizabethHoover · 13/04/2015 10:24

To me, its not about age, its about the OP having her own circle of mates

darkness · 13/04/2015 10:28

Thanks Elizabeth I think its about friendships too. Nothing to do with how lovely or not the PIL are.

PaulineFossil · 13/04/2015 10:30

I haven't read the full thread, but darkness, I totally agree, this was exactly what I thought on reading the op. This has happened to me and while I really do appreciate the interest, it's hard when you're trying to establish your own networks. If the PiL are overbearing it's even harder as they can often, unconsciously, cast you in a 'child' role when you really need to be an adult.

gotthemoononastick · 13/04/2015 10:56

Darkness ...best post so far!

I understand the OP...some people are a very hard act to follow,especially a vivacious DM or MIL.

So what if she feels jealous or tense? O.K to have these feelings!

BirdInTheRoom · 13/04/2015 10:56

OP you are so not being unreasonable. These threads always bring out the usual suspects bleating on about how it's lovely your PIL want to be involved in every aspect if your life, and that your own feelings shouldn't come in to it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting some balance and time to yourselves, and the opportunity to widen your social circle without the presence of your in laws every week without fail.

Most normal people would see it isn't reasonable to force yourself onto other people and that yes, you should wait to be asked along to things - shock horror - even if your're are a grandparent.

I find people who respect other people's time and space are more likely to be welcomed and invited to things much more than people who are pushy, overbearing, and ride roughshod over other people's feelings.

OP I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions on how to manage it - it probably is something you are just going to have to suck up. But try not to let it hinder you making new friends - maybe maintain a friendly distance at the matches, and definitely get your DH to ask FIL to pipe down! Good luck

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 13/04/2015 11:01

These threads always make me thinks about "everybody loves raymond" his parents sound lovely if you only get told of one thing, loving and caring and involved.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 11:05

"These threads always bring out the usual suspects bleating on about how it's lovely your PIL want to be involved in every aspect if your life, and that your own feelings shouldn't come in to it"

Yeah of course- "loads" of people are saying that! Hmm

Fauxlivia · 13/04/2015 11:06

I have a lot of sympathy with you OP. I had ils who were quite smothering when I first had dc and it took a while to get to a compromise that we can all live with. I was lucky that my dh was supportive of me. Some people do just need a bit more personal space and don't want extended family involved in all aspects of their lives.

While there is no real harm in them watching the football, if they are disregarding your wishes in other ways and trying to impose themselves in all areas of your lives then I can see why you feel oppressed by their presence. They know you don't want them there because you don't actively invite them but are taking a 'fuck her, I'll go anyway' attitude.

GPs would do well to remember that they've had their turn at parenting and shouldn't impose what they want on their adult children. The dgc are not theirs. Wait to be invited. Don't swamp your kids with demands for their time. Let them live their lives. My parents have 2 sons and 2 daughters and we are all close to them because they are supportive and kind but don't try to live in our pockets.

JeanSeberg · 13/04/2015 11:08

More to the point- why assume that anyone over the age of 55 is incapable of holding an interesting conversation, and needs to be indulged in their reminiscences? The casual ageism displayed here is extraordinary.

You've lost me. The poster said she couldn't give a fuck about listening to them reminiscing about her son's childhood. That was the comment I responded to. (I also reminisce about the past sometimes in my 40s so not sure why it's purely the domain of the over 55s.) Fail to see how that makes me ageist.

Faithless · 13/04/2015 11:15

I think it's lovely that they want to be involved. Honestly OP, from experience me most parents get really bored with going to watch their DSs play football, the novelty wears off and when its raining, freezing cold etc. it's just crap. Also, don't get me started on overly competitive footy parents ... don't be surprised if the other parents start to annoy the hell out of you after a season.
I'd sit back and let the in-laws do the football and go off and do something nice instead!
But then I'm not a football fan and all for children being brought up by an extended family/friends, in addition to parents, rather than a suffocating nuclear set up.

springalong · 13/04/2015 11:29

My mum does this - integrate into my activities and friendships. It is unusual and people do comment. I didnt want to rock the boat so didnt say anything and there is now a boundary issue. So if this is your social network too then I would see if they could come over less to this activity. Perhaps suggest to inlaws that they come over once a month and you have a big family day.

ssd · 13/04/2015 11:34

YANBU, this would have driven me nuts if the PIL had ever showed any interest in watching the ds's at football, which they didnt....

AnnPerkins · 13/04/2015 11:54

I don't blame you for the way you feel, OP, if the PIL are ever-present in your family's life you have a right to feel resentful.

I love going to watch DS play rugby on Sunday mornings. My dad likes to come with us and I'm ashamed that I have previously felt a little resentful of this. I enjoy the hour on my own standing in the fresh air with a flask of tea (don't even like it when DH comes) and I also have a pathological dislike of regular arrangements, I feel trapped by them.

However, despite adoring his grandson, Dad has never enjoyed or really known how to play with young children, so he's loving having a common interest to share with DS. He's getting on in years and has recently developed some health problems so I'm grateful to have this time with him every week, just the two of us.

You have to suck it up, I'm afraid, because your DH is right that it's not worth making a big deal out of. Can you and DH can find a way to reduce his parents' involvement in other parts of your lives if you both agree that they are overbearing?

And you will benefit in the future. You could have years of Saturday morning football ahead of you and there will be times that you can't take your son, so the GPs will be able to do it for you. And whether your son seems bothered or not, in years to come when they're not around any more, he will have his own memories of his grandparents being there to cheer him on.

shirleybassy · 13/04/2015 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2015 12:05

Floisme if you read my comment you wouldn't have to ask me what it says.

What "massive favour?". I said we all interact as a family - I have siblings we help out with each other's DCs. Nobody thinks of this kind of thing as a "massive favour" its just what we do. Its only since MN I realised some people think about this kind of thing differently but in my community sorry, its the norm. People simply don't talk about "favours" on this kind of thing.

My DM wanted to help with school run yes I was grateful, but not BEHOLDEN in that it should mean, I can't have breathing space to be a mum myself! Because thats what it becomes...insinuation into parenting, life, friendships etc, as if because you have children no part of your life is private/your own almost attempting to infantilise someone. Not to mention comments about your friends.

Anyway seperately from all that
Well said Fauxlivia & springalong

Im reading back through some of the thread and Confused re. the age/ageist thing..? I had my DCs in my 30s. Im 52 now. I think if people don't want to be smothered and have others all over their life and friendships then that doesn't equate to their being a problem with the age of the person doing it, Its the actions that are the issue.

Songlark · 13/04/2015 12:14

Well after reading Darkness I've had a bit of a change of heart, some very valid points there, it's true the opportunity to make new friends would be a lot harder for the Op with grandparents there all the time. Perhaps if they came just now and again.

shirleybassy · 13/04/2015 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Songlark · 13/04/2015 12:33

No I meant not there at every match.

darkness · 13/04/2015 13:03

I do wonder if inviting the PIL to specific matches ie: first and last in the season, one nearest sons birthday, etc. might allow them to feel included without it becoming "their thing."
If my point of view about the friendship circles is correct it might also be easier to approach MIL and explain directly how challenging you are finding this, woman to woman, and that this year you'd like them to back off a little even though you love the support, and then next year once you've had a chance to establish yourselves it would be open to negotiation.
If you are trampled on after such an exposed and difficult ask, then you will have a clear idea of whose interests they are acting in and how to proceed.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 13:11

I do actually get the 'my little family' comments. Closing the curtains (metaphorically) and just being a small family unit can be lovely. Some of the time.

As has already been stated, if the parents in law were staying all afternoon and expecting lunch or turning up uninvited at parties or letting themselves into the house etc etc, then I would be sympathetic. Yet despite all the talk of 'overbearing behaviour', the only examples from the op that I can see are that her in-laws pick up their grandson from school once a week and come along to watch him play football, again once a week for 30 minutes.

The op has had ample opportunity to provide more graphic examples. We can only go on the information she has given us.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 13:18

Are grandparents ever allowed to do something just because they fancy it?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 13:22

Hak clearly not, they've done the bit of producing and raising the 'Heir', it would appear that they are then surplus to requirements and to be at the beck and call of the DiL , they should be grateful for any scrap thrown to them, don't ya know!

They must know their place after all. Wink

SaucyJack · 13/04/2015 13:38

"Are grandparents ever allowed to do something just because they fancy it?"

Nobody has any right to impose themselves on others. Life is much pleasanter all round if you only make mutually agreeable arrangements or turn up to places where you're either invited or welcomed.

It isn't a grandparent/MIL thing. Just basic manners.

Hakluyt · 13/04/2015 13:50

I once went uninvited to my nephew's school play. Was that being overbearing or overly involved?

PaulineFossil · 13/04/2015 13:52

Exactly, Saucy, take the gc out of the picture and imagine a situation where a teenager or young adult was going along to a particular activity, building a nice group of friends etc and then their parent insisted on just turning up too because they just fancied it. Would anyone quite e scion why this might not be on?