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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my apologies. .I genuinely would like to talk about body image and contradictions on mumsnet

143 replies

sorenoggin · 12/04/2015 00:23

Seems my last post was misunderstood so am trying again.

Why is it okay on mums net and in real life for people to make jokes and disparaging remarks about men with small penises?

We would never condone a man slating or laughing at a woman's genitals on here so why is it okay the other way round?

Read this for the reality of what it is like for a man with a smaller penis and the huge emotional impact it has on his life

ughsocialjustice.com/post/107849865308/small-dicks-are-part-of-body-positivity
I Guess I just want to remind everyone that every time you laugh or joke about 'ignore him, he probably got a small dick ' you are adding to the pain of probably someone you know :(

OP posts:
reni1 · 12/04/2015 01:18

I saw it just after I commented, Worra. I agree body shaming is always utterly wrong. It can backfire, too. The last time I heard the small penis insult outside of this thread was when I protested a somebody fat-shaming a women only to be told 'women use penis size as an insult all the time'.

EatShitDerek · 12/04/2015 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penguinotterfoxbadger · 12/04/2015 01:27

I'm with you OP.

To only saw the headline if your original post, and yes it did come across as offensive, but maybe that should be the point? Body shaming people of either sex, be it for their size, shape, genitalia or whatever is deeply hurtful on many levels and is not OK. Even if the comments are not directed at a particular man/woman the effects still creep into everyone's consciousness and cause low self esteem and self hatred.

Good for you for risking the wrath of mumsnet in making your point.

sourpotato · 12/04/2015 03:16

Making anyone feel ashamed of a part of their body should be unacceptable. Even if there are no men around when such comments are made, they perpetuate a damaging culture.

If anything, the fact that big penises are symbolic of so much in society makes it worse for men with small ones, because it makes penis size seem even more important and self-defining.

Is it worth potentially contributing to the destruction of someone's self-esteem just to have a useful, short-hand way of alluding to (lack of) power?

And for those who are more concerned with 'the patriarchy', consider the fact that every time a man with a huge dick hears these comments, it is likely to bolster his own opinion of himself.

OhNoNotPooAgain · 12/04/2015 04:30

"Big swinging dick" is also used as an insult too though, ie a man who thinks he's very powerful and the big 'I am'. I really think it's about power and is not necessarily bodyshaming.

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2015 04:51

There's not a woman in the world over compensating for their bad behaviour because of their 'babby fanny'

You're attributing bad behaviour to a bodily feature shared by people who probably display all kinds of behaviours. Which then links the physical attribute to negative behaviour. Which is a crappy thing to do.

Saying 'aggressive men are compensating for having a small penis' isn't a million miles away from saying 'she's a bitch because she's fat and jealous' or 'she's got massive tits, she'd be up for a good time'.

When you start linking behaviour to a physical attribute, you do all the people with those attributes a disservice. As for the 'well, men say worse things' - so what? Does it make it acceptable to do the same? Or give them a free pass to keep on with the shit comments about women's bodies because women do the same?

Saying it's 'shorthand' is a massive cop out in place of actually examine why you're saying it, and why people might find it hurtful or upsetting.

alrayyan · 12/04/2015 05:49

Why are you all awake?? I am 3 hours ahead and was at work all night on standby, it's just occurred to me that MN is very busy tonight..

meandjulio · 12/04/2015 05:58

I agree with you OP and JassyRadlett.

thingsarelookingup · 12/04/2015 06:31

Some of you are missing the point. It's not the aggressive person described as having a small dick you should be worried about but the lovely guy that overhears, has a small penis and hears how low that makes him.

Original poster
sorenoggin · 12/04/2015 08:12

Thingsarekookingup- yes thank you..that's my point!

And for those of you saying it's just a phrase, women have it worse, not worth getting wound up about. .picture this. ..

In a bedroom somewhere is a teenage girl depressed and bullied for having breasts that are too large/small

Across the room is a teenage boy feeling he has no future or worth because he was born with a small penis

it's heartbreaking and horrible

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 09:22

I think the difference is that when the small dick insult is used about men, the behaviour has come first. A man drives in a dangerously argressive way, so he's overcompensating. The lovely man with the small penis isn't being dangeroulsy argressive, so nobody would use th expression about him. Women are constantly being criticised and judged about their bodies regardless of their behaviour.

reni1 · 12/04/2015 10:21

Even if you believe insults regarding penis size OK, and I don't, it sets a precedent for body shaming. Is 'she is probably sitting on her fat arse' OK? Is it still OK if her arse is indeed fat?

Call aggressive people aggressive and lazy people lazy, no need for body shaming. This way you might co-insult bystanding lazy or aggressive people rather than bystanders with small dicks or large arses.

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2015 10:27

Hak, I still think linking the negative behaviour to an aspect of a person's body - generally without knowing whether they're right about the size of that body part anyway - is more likely to affect other people with that physical feature, regardless of whether they've displayed the behaviour.

Hak - the loving man with the small penis may not have the expression used about him, but he consistently hears that his penis size is linked to negative behaviours.

Why is that any different to a woman with large breasts, who's only ever had one partner, hearing men say that big-boobed women are easy?

The generalisation (men who are aggressive are compensating for small penises, women with big boobs will sleep with anyone) hurts induviduals regardless of whether they've displayed the 'negative' traits themselves.

sourpotato · 12/04/2015 10:38

What Jassy said, 100%.

Greysanderson · 12/04/2015 11:00

Its a bit like when short men who have a bad attitude are said to suffer from little man syndrome....erm when tall men show such behaviour they are just an arsehole why is it that when a short man is an arsehole it is attributed to their height?

JassyRadlett · 12/04/2015 11:16

Greys - agree with that.

And there is also an implicit suggestion that both shortness and small penis size are negative - and thus need to be 'compensated' for in some way or other.

scarletforya · 12/04/2015 11:24

Yanbu.

It's the same as blokes calling women's vaginas a 'wizards sleeve'. Both sexes are guilty though.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 11:34

"It's the same as blokes calling women's vaginas a 'wizards sleeve'. Both sexes are guilty though."

It's really not, you know........

engeika · 12/04/2015 11:46

Agree OP. There have been some good posts on here. And the small penis jokes are not only used in response to bad behaviour.
Jassy 's post made some good points. Worra too and Derek and Greys

I have a DS and of course I am bringing him up not to be sexist but the reality is he is shy, struggling, anxious, small - and was bullied by the girls at his school without mercy - to the point where he had to be removed.

He is a teen now - no hope of a girlfriend yet - and he will be a young man in a few years. I would like to be sure that he will meet young women who won't ridicule him for his size and assume he is a bastard just because of his sex. I can't be sure of that at the moment.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 11:58

"would like to be sure that he will meet young women who won't ridicule him for his size and assume he is a bastard just because of his sex. I can't be sure of that at the moment."

I hope so too.

But those of us who have daughters know that they will be objectified and judged by their physical appearance regardless of their behaviour ever day of their lives.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2015 12:02

So many comments on this thread smack of "but...but...they started it mum".

It's just not ok to link bad behaviour to people's body parts or body image.

Anyone doing it, should take a long hard look at themselves instead of deflecting their behaviour by making excuses.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 12/04/2015 12:05

I didn't see your other thread but on this, YANBU.

By saying that men behaving like fuckwits 'must have a small dick', the implication is that men with small penises must be fuckwits. It's insulting to men who have (or think they have) a small penis.

engeika · 12/04/2015 12:07

I have a DD as well. Together we have talked about many of these points. She is doing well - and so much stronger than her brother.

I am not saying it is easier for her and I know she will be judged on her body shape and sexual choices. As will DS.

But I love BOTH my children and don't want to fight for "justice" and "fair treatment" for only one of them.

Hakluyt · 12/04/2015 12:23

"But I love BOTH my children and don't want to fight for "justice" and "fair treatment" for only one of them."

I love both of mine too. But while I might have to fight for justice and fair treatment for my son as an individual, I do not have to do the same for him as a man. My daughter? It's both.

engeika · 12/04/2015 12:44

I think we probably share the same basic views but maybe your DS isn't facing the sort of sexism - and it is sexism - that mine is.

He is small - and maybe has a small penis - I don't know
He is slow and bad at sport
He is a bit nerdy - not cool - and young for his age
He is anxious and shy not cool and funny
He has no idea how to behave around girls

and he is not the only one.

The suicide rate is much higher for men than women and particularly bad for boys.

I do agree blatant sexism is worse for girls - I fought it myself, (legally as well as in other ways), but that does not mean it does not exist and should be allowed to exist for boys