AIBU to ask how often your family look after the DC

[Dontunderstand01]

My mum has looked after DS once, my DMIL once. Geographically, it is harder for my DM to help, but we often go and stay with her for 4/5 days at a time (at their request). There is never, ever an offer of looking after DS so we could pop out, even for an hour. My DMIL lives much closer, but again, only the once.

They both, on a weekly basis, look after their other grandchildren.

Never

We're massively lucky as both sets of parents are desperately keen to have our DD. MiL has her every Wed while I go to work and my mum has her while I go riding once a week. They also see her most weekends either with or without me and DH. I am incredibly appreciative of how much support we have. They'd both have her overnight and have babysat in the evening but I'm a bit pfb so avoid it

DPIL come up once a week or so and look after DS so I can do a big food shop or other chores. They've taken him once or twice so me and DP can do something together. No overnights yet, but he's only 6 months.

DMum is dead and DDad lives miles away, but also is pretty useless with babies.

Never, I've asked they've said no. We live quite far away now so it's not doable anyway but even when we lived 5 mins away they wouldn't

Mum picks the dc's up from school twice a week when I'm at work. I'm a totally LP and that's it, no babysitting and no break at weekends.

This was a big issue a few years ago,

Dils said they'd done the 'grandparenting' bit already.

Dm stated she liked her weekends to much. Said she would occasionally come over so we could go out. But the few times we asked (think once or twice a year) she did it grudgingly or refused.
She then moved to the other end of the country, and now regularly has dss dc 4-5 times a month including full weekends whilst the dss and her dh have gone to France, Venice, long weekends in the UK.
They are out with friends at least one night a weekend. Not bitter

My DF baby sat more. after dm had refused and said why shouldn't your F do it? Df was happy too but had to travel a lot further then dm.

Dm would also say why don't you ask your aunty X (her sister) she likes Children.

I can count on my hands how often dm has had her gdc. But they are older now and we don't feel the pressure of having a break from them So much,
we now live too far away from anyone now and have been out together once in two years.

Never. My eldest is nine now. No, I tell a lie, my mil looked after my younger two (in bed asleep) while I gave birth. DH was home again before they woke up.

Dm gave up her job when dsis and i had children so she could look after them when we went back to work. She was a childminder and so is used to children. Over the years as more children have been born the days have been split so there is a mixture of nurseries and my mum. She does overnights for each of us every couple of weeks or so and has been amazing each time there's been a new born, keeping the older kids for longer periods or taking the baby for a few nights. The main thing is we have always been very clear with her that if it doesn't suit her, she has to say no, and she does, which removes the potential for quiet seething from her!

Pils have not been as involved. We've asked them in emergency twice to stay at their house (with us there!) and theyve said no. Theyve baby sat about 3 times once the kids are in bed but they're not up for anything more. Dh was alright with all this until his dnephew came along and it seems they are up for doing more, just not for us!

Sometimes this pisses me off but I try to think of it from his dm's point of view. Maybe she sees my dm being so involved and feels pushed out or maybe it's just that she feels closer to her dgd because she is her daughters child. Who knows! My mum has always encouraged me to make extra effort to involve them, I am the driver behind us visiting them as often as we do, not that dmil probably realises this.

My DM has my DD to stay overnight maybe twice month sometimes less, and she'll often have her for a few hours one afternoon on the weekend if she hasn't seen her much that week just so they can play and have dinner but I do no I'm very lucky

In our family all of the grandparents including us look after the children whenever we can. It isn't a contest but dd and dsil have never had to refuse an invitation because of lack of a babysitter.
I also do a couple of school pick ups and any of the dgp will do sleepovers too.
So far only one set has taken them on holiday without parents (they have a seaside caravan). We are lucky to be allowed to share in our dgc.

Rarely. I saved asking for the occasions when I was really stuck.

Other than that I used paid childcare.

DS is a teen now so babysitting not necessary but I will certainly make a concerted effort to offer to look after my potential grandchildren.

Aw OP, I'm sorry that the conversation with your mum went that way. It does sound like she does value her relationship with you and your dc though - she just for whatever reason does not feel the need to physically see you that often. Perhaps it's because you are so good at keeping in touch by phone and sending pictures. Maybe too she just can't face the prospect of a 4 hour drive to see you - some people find car trips really tiring and even if she is vigourous she's still a lady of retirement age. Also, she does seem to be doing a lot of childcare for your DSis - perhaps she's drained (physically/emotionally) from that.

Rather than suggesting to her that you want to see her more often (which doesn't seem to have worked) maybe you could suggest a specific day trip to somewhere in the middle of you both - so could all have a nice day out. And maybe broach the topic in person when you see her next. Good luck.