AIBU to ask how often your family look after the DC

[Dontunderstand01]

My mum has looked after DS once, my DMIL once. Geographically, it is harder for my DM to help, but we often go and stay with her for 4/5 days at a time (at their request). There is never, ever an offer of looking after DS so we could pop out, even for an hour. My DMIL lives much closer, but again, only the once.

They both, on a weekly basis, look after their other grandchildren.

Never. Not even for 5 mins.

OP given the angst about DM or DMIL trying to push mum out of the frame on MN, I think that you ABU and entitled to seem annoyed that there's been no offer to babysit.

If you want help, I would expect you as a grown up to ask for it rather than silently seething that so and so down the road gets more childcare.

Have you considered that regularly looking after other GC means that they are likely to be too tired to add another child to the list to be fair.

When they are asleep and unlikely to wake mil woll have ours to let us go to the pub for a couple of hours.
we asked if she'd have them overnight (after we'd put them to bed) so we could have a night away locally for our wedding anniversary. We also asked if she'd help when dh was in hospital for a couple of weeks and i was working full time - what i needed was someone to pick the kids up or prepare us a meal so i could get them to bed before 8 and maybe visit dh...-

Both times she said no which she's entitled to do and that's fine. We won't ask her again.

I am really sorry for those of you without parents, or parents unable to help due to disability. I understand I am very lucky to have my parents and inlaws still with me. I would like a bit of parity in how the DGC are treated, if possible.

The problem is, if you don't ask them to, how are they to know you want them to. Some people don't particularly want or need their kids to be babysat.

If you son notices its your job to make sure he knows that its because YOU never asked then rather than they do 'fuck all with him'.

Just because your parents are tired after having their other gc doesn't mean they don't want to have yours occasionally. I hear mum moaning about dbro all the time, just because she has no one else to moan to. I am sure she moans about me to dbro.

You can't moan because they haven't read your mind.

Geographically it's difficult for either set of GPs to do much, we're 3h away from the ILs and a day away from DM.

FIL is in his 80s and in ill health so I'd never ask MIL to help (too much on her plate already) although she would be willing, she did look after DH's nieces when they were younger and when DH takes the kids to visit she spoils them rotten and plans lots of lovely activities for them.

DM does what she can considering the distance, she comes to us for two half terms a year to look after the kids and when we visit her she always babysits so we can have a night out. I'm visiting right now and SIL is also great and had the kids for a sleepover so Mum and I could have a night out together. Mum does masses for DB and SIL, they live next door to her and she does all the wrap around care for their older two and takes their youngest one day a week. She also regularly looks after the kids so DB and SIL can go away for the weekend. I'm very jealous!

I think if you are used to coping by yourself then it can be hard to ask, SIL asks Mum to babysit regularly without any worries whereas I find it harder even though I know she is willing. So if I was you I'd just ask, if they say no then you're no worst off than before and they might say yes. If they say no then try and swap babysitting with some friends, we babysit for friends once a month and they babysit for us for us once a month and it does make a difference for us to have regular nice nights out together.

Becles, who said I was seething? Bit of an exaggeration. I am frustrated that my DS doesn't seem as important to them as their other DC and unable to ask for help, as they are too busy and tired with the other DCG.

But, if that is BU then ok. I will try and forget about it. There are more importnat things, I know.

Shewept, good point. I guess I just didn't want them thinking that I was being a cheeky cow, asking for their help when they have just told me how tired they are! I guess I am a wee bit damned if I do, damned if I don't on that one. I will ask on occasion, but reeaaaaallllly stress that if they can't, are too tired etcthat it isn't a problem, do you think that is a reasonable compromise?

Every family is different. You are different and have different needs/ wants to your siblings and dhs siblings. Your parents aren't going to say 'ee have had these gc for 16 this week so must have 'dontunderstand' child for 16 hours a week, especially if they don't know.

Every child has a slightly different relationship with their gps to all their cousins. Its just how it is. My sil is a sahm (i work) and mum has hers more because sil goes out more than I do. I have a very quiet social life, we are just different. I don't complain as I don't need mum to have my kids more. Peoples assumption is, because I work, she would have mine more. But she doesn't. I don't get jealous and my kids certainly don't think any less of mum for it.

Damnautocorrect, thats pretty much how I feel. My mum dotes on her youngest granddaughter, and last time wecspoke she spent the whole phonecall telling me how she was 'the one thing that keeps us going at the moment'. Thanks!

My parents - pick up DS from nursery once a week and look after til I get he from work. Usually have him overnight or do evening babysitting once a month. Full day once every couple of months. In laws - never, bit far away. Making the most of it before DS2 arrives!

My last post was before you latest one.

I think that's great. Just ask. You don't have to over stress its ok if they can't. Maybe ask 'is there a night you could have my dc?' Then they can be flexible, unless there is a specific reason you ned a certain day/ night.

My parents - never. They live too far away and are unwell.

Pil - very very very very very very rarely

Dc are 8 and 4.5.

Shewept, thank you, you are talking a lot of sense. I hope that my DS will still be close to his GP's and I must be sure that any lingering resentment on my part doesn't effect him. I sometimes feel frfrustrated, sometimes just really bloody sad that he doesn't seem as much of a priority, but that's life isn't it.

I appreciate this will appear defensive, but everytime my DMIL has seen my Ds its because I take him to see her. I am in no way one of the daughters in law who try to block MiL from taking an important role. Quite the opposite.

Parents can be a nightmare. All I hear is about dbro and sil and their kids. Drives me a bit insane. You would think that their son is the next messiah. But I am also aware that she does the same to dbro.

Funny think is my mum used to moan that when she saw her mum and dad all they did was talk about her sister and her kids. My mum doesn't see she does the same.

Perhaps your mum is saying to you sister that she wishes she could see more of your child?

In emergencies and they occasionally offer ....only my parents though.

I thought they would be loving having their little gd. She's so good. They used to take other gc on holiday have them constantly. They have had her 4 times in 4 years....twice when I had to go to hospital for day.

In emergencies and they occasionally offer ....only my parents though.

I thought they would be loving having their little gd. She's so good. They used to take other gc on holiday have them constantly. They have had her 4 times in 4 years....twice when I had to go to hospital for day.

Dont, I can really sympathise with this. My mum was an only child; my dad had one sister.

His sister (my aunts) two sons, my cousins, were doted on by the grandparents on that side while my brother and I were ignored. My paternal grandfather died before I was born but my maternal grandmother I only met three or four times and she died when I was six. It's sad as from bits I can glean I was quite similar to her in looks and personality - I'd have liked to have known her.

Sadly, my children have no surviving grandparents. My PILs died before I met my husband: they were killed in a traffic fatality when my husband was only 17 (I didn't know him then either.) My mum died when I was 15 and my dad died when I was 29. He did meet DS but DS was only 4 when he died and doesn't remember him: he went a bit strange after my mum died and had very little to do with me or my brother. My DDs will never know any grandparent. Nor do they have any aunts or uncles - SIL lives in Australia and has a son but we haven't met him.

It is the injustice. At least for my children it was an act of God!

I moved to UK from overseas 11 years ago and my in laws live 2.5 hours away. We go to them every 6-8 weeks as she is brilliant with DD and DD adores her. So DH and I usually go for a meal on those occasions. MIL never comes here though nor do my SILS or BIL who also live in other cities. Must admit I do get jealous of others sometimes as we never get much of a break and may even have to give birth alone in a few months. But we are happy where we are so really its our own choosing not to be close to family.

My mum always goes on about dbros and his kids when I am there. But I know she does the same to dbro.

Perhaps she is moaning to then she doesn't see your child alot.

Its not often people tell me I talk sense so thanks
My pils don't see the kids unless I take them. 2.5 hours each way. So we don't go often as they aren't keen on more than one overnight guest at a time. But they do see their other granddaughter more and have her overnight. It doesn't bother me. I view it that everyone needs/ wants something different. I am not fussed about whether the kids stay there. The kids don't feel any resentment, because neither me of dh have any. Some relationships are just different. I like my pils, they are just not the type of people who want to be involved. Even though they are with his sils dd.

Never. We haven't asked to be fair. They live too far away and come to visit occasionally for day trips. I swap childcare with friends instead.

I remember a while a go, dbro kicking off with mum. His wife's auntie had pasted away and dbro mentioned to mum when the funeral was, just in passing. They only had one child who was a small baby. A week later there was an argument because mum hadn't offered to look after their baby for the funeral. Mums assumption was because the baby was tiny they would take him and if he was crying dbro would sort him.

Instead dbro stayed at home and his wife went to the funeral alone. I have to be honest I told him to get a grip. He didn't ask mum to have the baby. He just assumed she would offer. Mum assumed the baby would go. To me if they didn't want to take the baby, they should have asked mum and not assume she is on the same page all the time. Thankfully he apologised because mum was really upset.

My mum has Ds (3.6) overnight every 2-3 weeks. It's normally from about 1-2pm on the sat until about 6pm on the sun.
I'm a LP and dm does it partly to give me a break but also because she enjoys having him.
I'm very lucky.

My parents live about a mile away and they pick up DS after school so I can work. I used to live 100 miles away when I first had DS and I had no help at all with childcare, so I moved back to my hometown to get more support. They take DS for an overnight stay once a fortnight so I can get a night out and he's stayed at theirs for a week so I can go overseas. My mum doesn't work and he's the only grandchild so they have plenty of time for him.

Mil had the other set of grandchildren lots, ours never. It pissed me off at the time.

Now, and i do feel a bit awful saying it, she is looking for the return on her investment & I'm kind of glad I'm out of it. She is looking for company, care and hopefully to move in with them and it's hit them like a ton of bricks. They didn't think it through and now are reluctantly realizing that all that childcare came with a big price.

Of course, we'd love to help but mil feels it's BIL & SIL's job as she helped them. There has been many many rows. Mil does not have the same relationship with our little family due to her own making, so that kind of intimate intensive care naturally falls to those who she has spent so much time with.

I know I sound a bit evil, but be careful what you wish for