AIBU to ask how often your family look after the DC

[Dontunderstand01]

My mum has looked after DS once, my DMIL once. Geographically, it is harder for my DM to help, but we often go and stay with her for 4/5 days at a time (at their request). There is never, ever an offer of looking after DS so we could pop out, even for an hour. My DMIL lives much closer, but again, only the once.

They both, on a weekly basis, look after their other grandchildren.

My family - never. They live far away so we're always there if we visit. They have offered to have them overnight when the youngest is old enough though.
Pil - loads. They've looked after each of them a day a week when I was working. They've had a few sleepovers but still much less than their other grandchildren.

My DM lives very close. She has dd 2 days a week while I go to work and sun mornings so I can got for a run, then sometimes (fairly regularly) she will have her an extra day so I can see friends etc. I realise we are very lucky. Dd has stayed over on her own once but that was because I was in hospital and DH was with me.

My pil are around 2 hours away so they've never looked after her, I don't think I'd let them anyway, they're a bit older but don't really have a clue about toddlers. Every time we see them it's commented on how my DH and bil never used to have tantrums and always did what they were told first time she obviously has a selective memory

My IL's are very good with the children. They look after them every other Friday when i'm at work which is more for their own benefit than any real childcare help for me.

I don't mean it in an ungrateful way just that I could easily have them at the childminder for this extra day but I know they like to come over and feel that they are helping us out. They will happily have them for weekends and me and DH have done two city breaks in the past couple of years so nights out and stuff are not a problem. MIL retires very soon and is up for more childcare but they themselves live an 1.5hrs drive from us so unless they come for part of the week which i'm not overly keen on I don't see how they can do more.

My own parents live 200 miles away and dad now has Alzeimers so not able to provide any childcare

It probably averages as 8 hours a month between dm and mil. Only if my and dh work leaves us with a childcare gap.
Sure people will think im odd but I love having ds with me!

My parents one night and the next day every week so we can get a good night sleep and then I work the next day plus babysitting duties if we are going out or like recently needed to get house ready for selling, we are very very lucky.
Pil's never.

PIL - These days never. They live an hour away and are getting quite elderly now so don't like doing the drive. But my eldest is 11 and from day 1 they've never offered any childcare though we have been forced to ask in emergencies.

My parents - much more willing and would have the dc whenever we ask but they live 250 miles away so the practicalities are difficult.

My parents lived over 300 miles away when DS was young but they used to come and stay a couple of times a year (or DM on her own) and would always have DS if DH and I wanted a night away. DMIL died when DS was very young but she also lived a long way away but would happily babysit when she stayed.

Because of the distance it also wasn't practical for our siblings to help out - which was slightly annoying as I used to do loads of babysitting/childcare for my neices and nephews - but it was our decision to move away so I really can't complain.

MIL has DS2 every Tuesday while I work (he goes to nursery 2 and a half days, too). My Mum has both DC's overnight a few times a year. MIL also babysits when asked to, and we relied on her heavily while I was studying. She also has them if DH and I go away anywhere overnight.

DM did a good few overnights when I was working nights and a few sleepovers for social
occasions. She has done evening babysitting a few times a year and a couple of hours here and there when DP has been away. She did some after nursery care for a few weeks. This is for 2 of my children or just one at a time. Never all
3.

This for the most part was in accordance with her original offer. She did this at the above frequency for 6-12 months. She was a SAHW at the time. Then it all just became a bit much. She liked to moan to her friends about it. One called me. At that point she had (and still
has not) said anything about how it was too much. She backed out with 1 hours notice on about three occasions (usually following a "I would like to see the GCs when can I have them for a sleepover type request) leaving me in a bind that ultimately got me fired as I was not able to arrange a short notice alternative.

I stopped it all together. It was stressful
And unpredictable up to the wire. Now she has has them for a sleepover once this year and two hours at a time around three times in the past 12 months. Which is really her limit (despite protestations she would like to quit her PT job and do FT childcare ). I am so very grateful
For the help and holidays her care has facilitated. The children have a very good relationship with her.

DMIL has had DD3 only, on 4/5 occasions for around 4 hours at a time over the past 12 mths. DP insists she would love to do overnights - this isn't actually correct. Again, we are so grateful for her help. We use so much paid childcare (both FT) and would love to mitigate that expense by having family care. But learnt that lesson and view it very much as a bonus rather than something that can be relied upon!!

We live far from both sets but if we ask they give us a couple of hours out to eat dinner. Very rare indeed though. Never overnight.

My mum lives in a different country but comes to stay every other month for a few days and will watch the DCs for a few hours if we need her to.
PIL's will have them over night once every other month or if we ask them to for a special occasion if we need to go out (wedding/birthdays etc). They are very good and have been having them over night since they were 4 months old which is amazing since twins are hard work for anyone never mind 2 people in their 60s. They both work though and live 45 mins away so they don't help out during the week which is fine as I am a SAHM for now.

MIL has dd every Monday morning while dh and I work (other days dh has her or she goes to preschool). She will also babysit fairly regularly when asked, including having dd overnight if we want to go away for the night - she probably does this once every couple of months? We really appreciate it.
My parents live further away - they've had dd once over night while we went to a hotel, but I think found it tricky as she wasn't a good sleeper then. If we go to stay, they will happily watch dd while we pop out for a meal, a walk etc.
I know we are lucky compared to many.

We have school aged DC but my DM has them one night after school and would look after them pre- school on her day off.

Overnights are as and when we need/want or the DC want to sleep over. For the eldest DC that's usually once a week and the youngest is usually once a month if we go out.

PIL live abroad and so have never babysat.

My grandparents also do emergency care for the DC (as long as it's not d&v).

We are lucky but it's a reprociprical arrangement in my DM's case.

No offers. They live far but I will ask when I stay. Can't you?

Only for specific reasons like watching one while I take the other to an appointment. Once in a blue moon to allow dh and me to go out. Nothing regular.

Nothing at all, DS is 3yo.

They both live far away, but will come up to b.sit for a night/overnight if we ask.

Neither set will offer when we go to visit, but if we ask ' Can we pop to the shops for an hour' , they are always more than happy to do so.

My parents have never babysat for ds2 (they are too elderly) but did for ds1 (big age gap)- probably on average, between them, once a month, including overnights. Ds1's paternal granny- never, but she lives a hundred miles away. One of my brothers also stepped in and looked after ds1 for a week once when ds1's Dad went awol before a planned week's access visit- I had booked a holiday and would've lost all the money for it.

My PILs look after ds2 at least once a week, have always offered, and have him on overnights in the holidays. They have also looked after him while DH and I go on short holidays (weekend breaks). I can also call them in an emergency and they will drop everything and come. I am very, very lucky- as is ds2, because they have a fantastic relationship. In fact, I've been very lucky all round with both dc.

My Mum picks up Dc3 from nursery once a week, and on the same day collects the other two Dc from school and drops Dc2 off at an activity (this only happens in term time). Outside of that, she and my Dad have the older ones for a sleepover once a year (separately though, as they're harder work together), and do evening babysitting maybe 4 times a year. They live 20 miles from us.
The in laws live 2 minutes round the corner, but we only ask them in an emergency as they make it clear it's very inconvenient (and MIL always fills them up on gluten based food even though DC1 is intolerant of it). They never have them for sleepovers, even though they've had our nephew over 1-2 times a month for 13 years.

My parents used to come down once a fortnight to look after and see DD. Unfortunately they have both passed away in last two years. My sisters will babysit whenever I ask and generally see DD every month.
In-laws very rarely babysit, I think I can count one hand the amount of times since DD was born, but to be fair we rarely ask as they have let us down last minute on a number of occasions, leaving myself and OH phoning round friends and babysitters, the stress isn't worth it. But to be fair they do both have to babysit together as MiL is very arthritic and can't keep up with an active 4 year old. BiL also very rarely babysits, never offers and is always "busy" when asked.

PIL live one hour away so maybe a couple of times a year. Used to be an bit more in half terms but they are mid seventies and its getting too much for them.
DM lives ten minutes away. Several times a year when asked, usually in half terms. They are 12 and 10 and never stayed with her overnight. Ever.
We have no-one else to ask.

For two hours while DH and I did a fun run past her house in 4 years.

She can't drive up to us, and because we're an awkward distance, we don't see eachother very frequently, so when we meet, it's to enjoy time with her, not nab babysitting out of her. She would struggle with the energy to do much with my two anyway.

The rest of our family are too far, and too busy. My me time is in the school holidays when the children continue in nursery, and I am off work.

Never, my OH goes out but I / we don't. The other grandchildren get looked after daily (one side), and taken out every weekend (inc over night) and one day a week with the odd week holiday abroad.

I'm not gonna lie, fucking pissed me right off at first.

To be fair, no I haven't asked. Dm sees my sisters kids regurlarly, and looks after them 7-7 on a thursday. She wanted to do this, but now regularly says how tiring it is, she is exhausted etc so I take from that not to ask. During half term she had my nieces for 3 days whilst DSis went away.
DMIL is the same, has two granddaughters, whom she used to look after minimum on a weekly basis, now they moved in with her (along with their mum). She has told me that she now cherishes her child free time, and that she needs a rest from the noise etc.

Perhaps I am being too sensitive, but as they both regularly look after their dcs but tell me how exhausting and wearing it is, I don't feel like I can chip in with 'can you loI k after ds for an hour'

tbh its not so much that I want the time off, it's that DS will soon realise that granny and nana do lots with his cousins, and fuck all with him.