Aibu to think that attachment/ gentle/ natural parents minimise how dangerous sleep deprivation is

[ScrumpyBetty]

I have thought about writing this post for a while, and I want to write it in a respectful way, this is in no way about 'bashing' anyone for the parenting choices that they identify with or choose to make,

If you are an AP and you co- sleep, breastfeed on demand, choose gentle sleep training- I think brilliant! You are very lucky and well done for making it work for you.

When I was an anxious new mother, I identified very much with some of the things I read on AP websites and wanted to AP.
However after 18 months of waking up every night 6 or more times, I was at breaking point. Seriously sleep deprived, crying every day, anxious, depressed- I could go on. I reached out to the AP community for help and advice and was told to continue to use gentle sleep training methods such as the No Cry Sleep Solution, continue to Wait It Out, and definitely not to do controlled crying or CIO. But by this point we had been using the NO Cry Sleep Solution for months, gentle methods were not working!
I read loads of stuff on AP blogs and was given advice such as: let the housework slide and sleep when your baby sleeps! Try yoga or meditation to relax a bit more! Etc. loads of articles warned me about the perils of sleep training.

Eventually we did do controlled crying, and it wasn't that brutal, it was 3 nights of leaving DS to cry for no more than 5 mins at a time. He was 18 months and it was the best thing we ever did. I cannot stress how much of a better mum I am now that I am getting regular sleep!

I know I will be told I was silly to listen to AP advice when it quite clearly wasn't working for me, but I know loads of new mums who do AP and who do treat it like gospel, and who think that controlled crying is abhorrent.
I think that sleep deprivation is abhorrent, and if I hadn't done CC I may well have had a nervous breakdown, so what good would all that gentle parenting do then?
AIBu to think that AP/ natural parenting etc websites minimise the dangers of sleep deprivation- which are depression, mood swings, memory loss, a whole host of health problems? I agree that sleep training methods such as CC should be a last resort but if they need to be used then they need to be used surely?

I think you are completely right. I'm glad you are now getting decent sleep!

Totally agree. Also I have never wanted to be constantly attached to my children, they are individuals as am I. We all want to enjoy our kids and any doctrine for parenting needs to be flexible and adaptable to the circumstances, the is no right or wrong!

I think it totally depends on the child and the parent and what works for you. All 3 of mine are so different and needed different methods.

AP is like anything - it works for some but not for others. If it's not for you, don't do it, it doesn't make you a better/worse parent.

I'm glad you've found a way to make your life easier, I really am, but I know plenty of people who found that AP cut down on sleep deprivation so to slate it as a method because it didn't work for you is a bit of a narrow view imo.

I didn't AP myself, for lots of the reasons you state yourself, I needed sleep and needed to train dd2 to sleep on her own to get it. I too would have had a nervous breakdown had I tried to stick to it to the letter. That doesn't mean it's "abhorrent", if anyone sticks to anything to the point of a breakdown, that's down to the individual and not the method.

I agree with you. It is also better for the child to be sleeping through the night not constantly waking and needing support to get back to sleep.
Attachment parenting is fine if you have a child who sleeps well or you don't need much sleep and if you don't have a job and other kids.
I did controlled crying for both of mine and it worked rapidly and they have slept well since apart from hiccups in unfamiliar bedrooms etc.

Op said sleep,deprivation is abhorrent, NOT AP.

I'm not sure attachment parenting does necessarily mean you are sleep deprived. I cosleep and DD sleeps all night usually and I sleep much better than I would if I had to go to her room to BF.

That said sleep deprivation in any form is awful so I think everyone should just find and do what works best for them and their baby

But if you ask on an AP site for their advice, they will give advice which pertains to their theories. I think any parent who is looking to conform to a particular style of parenting is probably going to realise that general advice cannot be applied to every baby in every situation, but I don't think it's reasonable or realistic to expect everyone who has had success with AP to provide advice on a range of other techniques when you have sought them out, from all the other parenting websites (including this one where you can get a range of opinions) to ask for advice.
Unless you were using a site which charges for advice or sets itself and its members up as experts on anything beyond putting their chosen parenting style into practice, then there is a limit to how much responsibility you can expect strangers to take for your decisions. Presumably those who are offering that advice have found that it works, so they are basing their advice on their own experience - why would they recommend something that they hadn't tried?

It's good that you eventually found the right thing for you and that it went well

I haven't read an exhaustive amount of AP sites (and especially not in the last 4 or 5 years) but I never really had the same impression as you in that they minimise the danger of sleep deprivation?

I personally had an opposite experience. I tried cc with my first and it ended up stressing both myself and dd. By the time I was pg with ds, I started researching co -sleeping as couldn't face a repeat of my experience with dd. I got a lot more sleep co -sleeping with toddler dd on one side and baby ds on the other than I ever did trying trying cc with dd.

At the end of the day, I'm not sure there is a magic formula that will absolutely work for everyone regardless of the situation / personalities involved etc.

Totally agree with you about the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation though.

YABU - there are shades of grey between AP and CC/CIO - those are just dumb labels and daddy theories anyway. Real life parenting doesn't respond very well to inflexible theories and methods. In truth we all do a mix of things at different times.

And all children and parents are different. My DCs would have worn down anyone trying CC or CIO on them - they could scream for hours. Days given the opportunity. Tried leaving them each to cry once - never again! Even DC's nanny who was very routine led and into CC admitted it didn't work with him.

faddy that should say

No one who's big on attachment is going to advocate leaving a baby alone to cry.

Not doing controlled crying doesn't mean sleep deprivation, there are other ways of getting sleep.

You just have to find what works for you and your family and not rely on someone else to give you the answers.

I found that co-sleeping and bf meant i got more sleep. Each to their own I guess.

Sleep deprivation is abhorrent, I am well aware of that, having suffered it myself, as I'm sure most people who have had babies have. Some people use AP to combat it, because it works for them - that doesn't mean that it has to work for everyone and that people who do it successfully try to bully the rest of us into thinking it's the only way.

The OP tried it, it didn't work, so she tried something else, which made her life easier. Much the same as most of us I'd say. That's life. Different ways of doing things for different people, different methods work for different children - I had one that slept through from 6wo and would have been a dream to AP, however due to having to return to work full time it wasn't an option as she got past 6 months. The other one was a nightmare, she still doesn't reliably sleep through at 5 YEARS old, sleep training saved my sanity with her.

It's definitely BU to tar all AP parents as minimisers of the effects of sleep deprivation - I've never met an AP parent who does that.

keturah we tried loads of other methods to try and get DS to sleep, controlled crying really was the last resort

tondelayo agree re dumb labels, I understand now that attachment parenting is just a label, and that nothing is that black and white, but as a new mum I very much looked to AP to give me some guidance on what I was doing and used to try to use their philosophies

Anyone who describes themselves in public as an attachment/gentle/natural parent is a knob (I don't mean you in that by the way OP!) Some people seem to follow it like a frigging religion and say, 'oh no I can't do that, because then it wouldn't be attachment parenting and my baby will explode'.

If someone finds that co-sleeping, babywearing etc etc works for them, then that is super, but the whole 'oh I am an attachment parent' is bollocks.

Since when did parenting become labelled in this way? Surely most people just fly by the seat of their pants, do what is best for them at that moment and hope to come out the other side unscathed (or is that just me?)

Glad that you are getting lots of lovely sleep now OP!

Different things work for different people and for different children.

Sleep deprivation is definitely a big problem, so if you're suffering, you need to tweak and fine-tuned what you are doing.

I was a very young (but confident!) parent and I read the odd parenting manual but I always felt very strongly that the faddy reliance on them is really bad for families...it takes away the parents' confidence in their own abilities and instincts.

I raised DD on routine, dark bedroom on her own etc and she because a good sleeper very quickly.

DS was born a year and a half later, and I became much more relaxed and he slept with me most night (in a moses basket). I actually slept much better! There was much less disruption - if he started crying all I had to do was soothe him gently and he would go back to sleep and so would I. Breastfeeding was also much easier etc.

In my honest opinion, putting up with severe sleep deprivation, a really messy and unorganised house, and being a frazzled, unhappy mum isn't worth it just to be able to say you stick to a particular style of parenting.

All these labels actually get on my nerves. Whether it be feeding, sleeping, weaning, everybody should just find their own way without feeling the need to give everything they do a name!

Glad things have worked out for you!

I don't think you are being unreasonable to say AP didn't work for you or for saying that sleep deprivation is abhorrent, but you are unreasonable for saying that AP minimises the danger of sleep deprivation.

For me AP solved the sleep deprivation.

Parents should use whatever method is best for their family. Just because AP wasn't the one for your baby doesn't make it bad. Just like having a routine was bad for me/DS. Controlled crying for him would have been abhorrent because the one time I left him to cry because my nerves were utterly wrecked and I was sleep deprived he cried for 15 minutes and if DH hadn't come home he'd have kept crying (as would I).

MIL taking him for the night, letting me get a decent sleep and then us doing AP made him a much happier baby who slept more, which in turn meant I wasn't sleep deprived.

Saying AP parents minimise the dangers of sleep deprivation is just as sweeping and generalising as people with good sleepers saying controlled crying/sleep training is abhorrent imo.

Attachment parenting uses method that suit their followers. It may not be for everyone though.

Personally I could never do CC/CIO they weren't right for me. I wasn't an AP sort of parent, just a do what works for me type!

I agree with Aldi's comment about anyone who calls themselves an attachment parent being a knob. All those sites are full of antivax, anti WOHM BS and I speak as a sling using co sleeping washable nappy using extended bf-er!

Alidi agree re parenting labels. I think that the problem is that there is such a huge amount of articles, blogs and parenting websites nowadays, and if you are an anxious new parent, like I was, then you do read these websites and blogs and take the advice on board. I read loads of stuff on how harmful Controlled Crying was, and I didn't have the confidence to think for myself at that point in time. I think in a way there are too many blogs and websites and too many parenting labels, we should all just be allowed to do what works for us without fear of judgement

The reason I did AP, (not that I had any idea it was called that when I was doing it!) is because my philosophy on baby rearing is, do whatever is necessary for everyone to get enough sleep. For us, and our 5 babies, this has meant co sleeping until around 2, carrying in a sling almost constantly for the first 6 months, feeding on demand day and night until around 18 months and generally being quite relaxed about any form of routine until 3.

I've had 5 children and a total of maybe half a dozen nights where I felt that I didn't get quite enough sleep. My eldest is 15 this year. I get the feeling that the real sleepless nights begin now!

It worked for us. I can see that it wouldn't work for lots of people.

Yes I agree totally that AP can actually beneficial in reducing sleep deprivation and minimising night wakings, and as I said before, if it works for you then that's brilliant

I stand by my comment that AP parents minimise the dangers of sleep deprivation. There are loads of articles and blogs about how harmful sleep training can be, but when you go to an AP community, in desperation as I did, and say 'hello, the gentle methods are not working for me, I'm at breaking point'- you get told to just carry on with the gentle methods. Carry on waking up 6 times a night, for as many years as it might take for DS to learn to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. This is dangerous advice.

I agree with all the posters who have said that you don't need to rigidly stick to one thing or another.

I have never identified as an AP but equally i bf'd on demand for the first 8 months, occasionally co sleep and I don't think I would do cc or cio, but I believe that you should do whatever you need to do and be prepared to be flexible.

I made the mistake of trying to follow BLWing to the letter and thought that I was a failure if I spoon fed my DS some yoghurt but I soon got over myself and am happy to spoon feed when necessary to avoid mess