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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 15:44

You're making less and less sense now OP, I think you need to step away from the thread and calm down TBH.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:44

wannaBe No not all!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:46

wannaBe Went back to school earlier for extra lessons the class is aiming for level 6 at SATS

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 15:50

Went back to school earlier for extra lessons the class is aiming for level 6 at SATS

6yr olds being coached for the 11+ SATS already eh?? is this a state school? I am sure they are not allowed to teach/coach for SATS.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 15:50

May I probably disrespectfully suggest the school needs to spend less time on what an uncharitable poster may call hot housing and a bit more time on safeguarding

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:52

PHANTOMnamechanger other kids she isn't an only child

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:55

MaryNotPoppins and DD actually can do the majority of a L 3-5 maths paper shes around a L4

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/04/2015 15:55

"Went back to school earlier for extra lessons the class is aiming for level 6 at SATS"

ok

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:58

sparkysparkysparky How do they safeguard without putting this kid in isolation? She really is this naughty by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 15:59

FanjoForTheMammaries..............Yes. Problem? God forbid they over achieve...

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 16:01

I'm sure you are very proud of your children's achievements so far and want to encourage them . So do we all for our children. I still think your school is failing to tackle abusive behaviour head-on and needs intervention from OF ST ED.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 09/04/2015 16:01

good to know her learning is not being adversely affected by all these racist outbursts in class then.....6yo and at that level in maths I do find quite hard to believe, my youngest DS is a low level 5 (5C) in year 5 and top of his class in a school where 1/3 go on to grammar.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 16:04

You safeguard the other children by excluding her. You take whatever bespoke safeguarding measures are needed for this child out of school. Others on this thread disagree and think she should be kept in school. I think they need to exclude her.

wannaBe · 09/04/2015 16:04

such dedicated teachers at this school the op's children attend. While teachers elsewhere have repeatedly balloted for strike action over the past year over pay etc, these dedicated teachers are giving up their holidays in pursuit of the children's learning.

Amazing, most schools run after school clubs for this purpose, but presumably this isn't enough for the over-achievers in the op's children's school, who are willingly giving up their holiday to achieve such fantastic results.

Hats off to this fabulous school, I imagine it's the only one of its kind in the country.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 16:07

sparkysparkysparky I think there is more to this than meets the eye....They keep on calling in a "special case" but again as I've said before letters, newsletters have all gone out plus circle time and an assembly...thats why this is so tough....can we really call OFSTED on one kid when all parents agree the staff have tried?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/04/2015 16:07

I have kept my DCs away from others who speak like that. Obviously not possible to do at school apart from tell them to avoid..but certainly no out of school activities, playdates etc. I don't care about the whole ins & outs of why the child is like this - yes I could explain its the parents fault but due to that fact, doesn't mean Id want my DCs to think they have to put up with it. I don't want them to listen to that filth and thats that. They don't HAVE to interact with every child, just as I don't have to choose to interact with racists and I couldn't care less what anybody else thinks about that. I do what suits my family best and that isn't the agenda of race apologists who will have you believe the ones experiencing racism are the ones to be oh so understanding, and have the magical answer as to what to do about it.Bullshit.

Have a word with the school they're supposed to be dealing with it, and speaking with the parents. Said child going through life will find not everybody will handhold "awww..they're only young" and put up with nasty speech.

rebelfor · 09/04/2015 16:08

I've lost count now of the number of times you've written the P and N words after professing to hate them.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 16:11

I'm sure there is more to this than meets the eye but the school cannot revolve around the needs of one child. It has seemingly tied itself in knots over the needs of one child to the detriment of the others.
Quite rightly they are not sharing with you the special circumstances of this child but they need to protect all the children.

Hakluyt · 09/04/2015 16:11

I would not want my child playing with a child who used these words and refused to stop, regardless of age. And I would take steps to separate them.

However,I have severe doubts about a 6 year old child going back to school early to practice for level 6 in SATs. Could you confirm what's going on here OP? Because it does rather cast doubt on the whole thread.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 16:11

wannaBe and PHANTOMnamechanger what is your problem exactly? Many teachers come in on half term and many teachers have not gone on strike......When i was in school there was a different "booster" class every single day of half term for different topics and sore spots ..... i doubt you live in a cave be open minded...not every school runs like yours! The UK is a big place...

And yes DD is gifted in maths and utterly average in literacy....shoot me.

OP posts:
Sexyhouseslippers · 09/04/2015 16:12

When I was younger I once used racist language, my mum was furious and made me apologise for it and she marched me home and washed my mouth out with soap I was around the same age and old enough to know better. I never used that type of language again and I'm not suggesting you do anything like that. Go and talk to the child yourself and tell her how it hurts people's feelings etc.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/04/2015 16:12

and yes: call OF ST ED.

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 16:12

Hakluyt She is not my only child guys I even mentioned her siblings earlier on in the post !! Her brother is in year 6

OP posts:
rebelfor · 09/04/2015 16:16

In fairness to OP my year 6 daughter has had a booster class at school this week.....

Original poster
MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 16:16

PHANTOMnamechanger Well done for your kid thats great....three kids in my sons year 6 class can do an old year 9 sats paper and DS is on track to get a 6A across the board. He can do an old intermediate GCSE paper. DH is a little ...... pushy interested in maths

OP posts: