To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

FanjoForTheMammaries no no no no no no. Racism is wrong. It's not just for the black kids to be offended....all kids should be offended by racism not just the kids affected Everyone should feel empathy for everyone.

well i doubt anyone here thinks racism is right.

its a non argument here caused by your ridiculous drip feeding

nothing more to say

er, OP, I hope you realise it's not ok to say "brown kids" just as it's not OK to say the N word. so please don't be teaching that to your Dc thinking it's the aceptable alternative!

sakura06 Thanks for that.....too many people on here were literally magically skimming over the poor kids on the end of this....not one person has mentioned support for the kids on the end of the racism but many have mentioned support for the girl dishing it out! Sad.

Mary, I think the majority of posts here have NOT been in favour of mollycoddling this child. I'm sad if you think posters are ignoring the victims here. The other children should not have to put up with this, the school needs to act decisively.

PHANTOMnamechanger I'm brown, the black/asian/mixed raced community uses the term brown to refer to all people of color ........ suppose it's just an inside thing.

PHANTOMnamechanger and ps...many black people detest the term black but just bloody get on with it....no one is actually the color black...strange term.

and Mary, I think the only thing I have talked about is protecting the other children from this. I wonder why you are only seeing what you want to see?

DD takes after neither me or DH but her grandparents very very fair with curly hair blue eyes people ask me if she is mine. She's getting darker as she gets older and her hair get much more kinky.

sparkysparkysparky Sorry if it comes across that way but AIBU can really get horrid sometimes....people are brave to post sometimes and they literally just want support...advice and people to not be judgemental...i clearly said in my OP that I hate the idea of making another kid an outsider and i hated judging kids and i hated hated hated that it's come to this....yet the assumptions people have made are so horrid. I don't think I'm this perfect mother and i certainly dont want DD being mean to others or "giving them the silent treatment"....but she comes home asking questions which break my heart to answer at such a young age.....especially because we are a mixed raced family and she takes after her white side but is very much inlove with her entire heritage...she knows this little girl is talking about her too but is confused because she doesnt "look" like the victims

The school is not dealing with this properly. If as bad as op suggesting the parents need calling in and explaining that child is being inappropriate at school, language and examples given, do they know where she may be getting this from? Needs to stop immediately, and to help them get to bottom of this social services have been informed. It's a safe guarding matter (for inappropriate child and her peers) and they should report to social services.

This is as serious as if she was reciting the script of hard core pornography and acting it out in her games. She's been exposed to vile content and is now exposing all of the other children in her class to it.
School and social services need to be proactive to protect the child and her classmates.

As a parent I would be making school aware that I want my child removed from this exposure and that I will reporting them to ofsted and social services if they don't put the safeguarding policy into effect with this child.

it's astounding that you only chose to mention the fact that your dd is mixed race when people started to call you on your use of racist language.

Even in your op where this child had used such terms and further derogatory insults towards other ethnic children your concern was that your dd shouldn't be around this child, nowhere did you express a concern that she, as a mixed-race child, might fall victim to this behaviour herself.

Mumbehavingbadly We have spoken to the teachers and govenors and we are all being told it is a "special case"...

Interesting new aspect there

sorry only half skin read saw you said school has done everything it can, but what about the parents?

its this I find odd. why so much focus on the child when its the parents who need to nip this in bud/and or see effects of their language attitudes on their dc...( if indeed its coming from them)

Mary- most of my posts have suggested that we should have sympathy for the victims of this racist abuse.
However, I do agree that many of the posters appear to have forgotten the victims of this abuse.

wannaBe....Look...I'm not trying to be funny or anything but the race of my child is niether hear nor there because racism is wrong full stop point blank....I did say several times that we are a mixed raced family please read the thread! I don't feel the need to point out DD is mixed because i don't think that racism is just the issue for the race being targeted thats cruel!!!!! I'm not disabled or gay but i would be as equally as disgusted as a disabled or gay person if i heard anti-disabled or homophobic comments if that makes sense.

Of course we are all sympathetic to the children of whatever race/skin tone on the receiving end of the nasty name calling. You are being ridiculous to think otherwise. Kids are kids, there will be DC in the same school being called names on the playground for being fat/thin/tall/short/ginger haired/wearing glasses/having freckles/lisping/being babyish/being good at maths/not being able to throw and catch a ball/being called gay etc - kids can be mean - IT HAPPENS (Though I'm sure your own darling is never mean to anyone, ever ). This does not make it OK, in the case of racist terms or any of those examples. But you have already said, the school are dealing with it. The child is ALWAYS pulled up on it, the rest of the class including the insulted kids are being constantly reminded it is unacceptable. The teachers are modelling good examples by calling her on it, But the home circs make it impossible/impractical unfair on a 6 yr old to exclude her and send her home to the environment in which she is NOT corrected, but actively encouraged. By all means blame the parents but do not show such vitriol towards the child, who is an equal member of the school community whatever her probems. You make it sound like a public flogging is in order! She needs an education not just in terms of classroom learning but in terms or nurturing and educating about how we treat one another. she won't learn this at home, she might if she continues to be part of a mixed race class where helping each other, taking turns, tolerance, valuing the individual, not hurting peoples feelings, apologising etc etc are taught.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO We have never ever seen the parents its the strangest thing ever! Shes always with a child minder! We will not be told why she is getting this special treatment we have just been told it is a "special case"

Im going to have to give you guys an update later on tonight I'm doing the school run and will discuss more with teachers and parents!

Thanks for the help I know it's gotten a bit heated sorry for saying the word but as a woman of color I feel racism towards us can sometimes be labeled as us playing the victim or being dramatic...even in these posts people have completely disregarded the victims and not even mentioned them...how can you read about kids being called Ns and Ps and not even mention then...but type a paragraph about the bully needing this that and the other? The indifference of it irritated me and I wanted to wake a few posters up to the words that were being used....wasn't trying to be offensive ....I'm not racist towards myself...my kids...my dad..my grandparents etc etc ...I can understand how the word could shock a white reader.

Mary, Your Dd is learning to draw her own conclusions about this hateful behaviour. Your priority is to help her. All the posters who were concerned about some kind of "parent power" shunning of this child's parrotted views were a bit sharp but there is a clear point to be gleaned : the school is failing the children and must be the body that acts.
I'm mixed heritage too and there's complicated things to deal with. But this stuff is very simple. There should, in my view, be zero tolerance in school. No child should be having to hear this kind of crap at school and those on the receiving end of it should be allowed to feel safe.

of course it's relevant.

While prejudice of any kind is abhorrent it becomes personal at the point that prejudice is directed towards the demographic which you represent - even if you personally are not a victim at the time.

If your child plays with a child who e.g. uses disablist language you would not want your child to learn those terms and God forbid, repeat them at some stage. However, if your child plays with a child who uses racist language, as a child of ethnic background herself you know that she is unlikely to use those terms especially when she learns that they relate to people like her, in which case your reluctance to allow her to play with the child would relate more to the possibility she too would be called those terms.

PHANTOMnamechanger The other day she refused to share her frozen doll...please don't make assumptions about me I even said in my OP im not a deluded holier than thou mother. But lets not compare not wanting to share Elsa to calling someone a Paki. I can proudly say I've raised my kids to never ever call anyone these names and that doesnt mean I'm perfect or my kids are...they just arent racist....is that okay with you?

Whats wrong with MN sometimes?

Racism disgusts you and your kids so you think you and they are angels?

Christ

school run? aren't all the kids on holiday atm?

sparkysparkysparky I know this is the case in the end....I just want to protect her.