To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

star Lord, while I remain against parents intervening - leave it to the professionals- it is naive in the extreme to say that parents won't talk about this with each other.

If a child of mine was enduring such ongoing abuse that seemed to pass without intervention at school, damn right I'd be talking about it!

And that is why I used to hate school pick up times. Groups of parents with nothing better to do than stand around bitching. Its hideous in the extreme.

FWIW - when we have had issues with one kid in the class behaving inappropriately I have spoken to my son about the possible reasons for it and how to deal with it, raised concerns once with a teacher but would a) never expect to be given information about what they were doing about it and b) never speak to another parent about it.

If there isn't already, I'd suggest the LEA pays for a specific assistant for this child that helps her to integrate with the class and educates her in a separate room every time she pulls this stunt.

Agreed. It will help the child in question - and any others who may contemplating trying out such abusive language.

The LEA would run out of cash pdq if they provided that for every child with anti social or abusive behaviour.

London - why would you assume that nothing is happening? Just because you don't know, doesn't mean it's not happening.

If they will not exclude the child , then Sparky's idea would be ideal.

Jesus. So something serious happens and you don't ask another person's opinion out of genuine concern??

What a crock. It's not gossiping. It's serious. Talk about missing the bloody point.

Well, at the school my DCs attend, there would be some feedback after SIX months of abuse! Even just to say it was in hand. That's all. No more detail necessary.

That would put paid to frustration, worry and would allow the affected victims' parents to rest a tad easier knowing that being called a Paki, or whatever, is not on. The could tell their kids this simple fact and you know what –it would help the six year olds who are being called such vile names to know that someone actually gives a fuck. Would it not?

No. I talk to the teacher, my dh and my son. I don't talk to other parents about someone else's kid, if other people do it in my presence it leaves a very bitter taste and I make my excuses and leave.

What point am I missing?

But the school have given that feedback to the OP, they have said its in hand but there are specific circumstances which impact on their actions.

Right, so you wouldn't talk to any, um, friends about a situation involving anyone else, ever?

OK. Well, I like to seek opinions about serious issues. And also, if this was happening to my kids, I'd flaming well need support.

Discussing a child's behaviour amongst all the parents would never happen and quite rightly so.

All schools have to follow procedures and they will be.

But the school have given that feedback to the OP, they have said its in hand but there are specific circumstances which impact on their actions.

But it is not in hand. I do feel for the child in question, of course I do, but equally for those enduring the abuse, who go in every day not knowing whether they will be called some of the most heinous names that you can be called. At the age of six

Well, obviously it won't be topic of the day at the PTA.

I'm talking about speaking to friends. To get context. Not to bitch. There is a massive difference and talking doesn't always equal 'evilness' at the school gates...

"If they will not exclude the child , then Sparky's idea would be ideal"

Where do you think excluded children go?

No, I get support from DH and the teacher. If anyone bitches about someone else to me, its a pretty safe bet they will be doing the same about me to someone else. I wouldn't feel 'safe' talking to someone else about such sensitive issues when I knew they had form for such behaviour.

I sense that you find that hard to believe but it's true.

Have you read the full thread LondonRocks? The school have said a few times that they are dealing with it and the OP has given details of a few things that have happened generally at the school. There is no way that details of any specific action around the child could or should be shared outside guardians of the child and professionals involved.

Sorry, I know we are having two parallel conversations.

I do find it hard to believe, yes, as most parents I meet are decent people trying their best. And they don't bitch, they speak with a fair helping of empathy and constructive words... But there we go. School gate talk differs, I suppose.

Several people have stated that the school will be following procedures.
However these procedures have not worked as the situation continues.
The result is that children are encountering racial abuse every day at school and that cannot be acceptable.
I have no solutions but I feel the utmost sympathy for those children who should be able to feel safe at school, not have to put up with being told they are less worthy because of the colour of their skin.

Oh

No ideas about where excluded children should go. Now why am I not surprised.

Pru, the suggestion is the LEA pays for a specific assistant to deal with that one child in class.

Is it possible that people think "excluded" actually means "vaporised"?

Indeed KatieKaye.

Hopefully it's either a wind-up (though I don't think so) or the OP's daughter is over-reporting (though I don't think so) or the school head isn't really discussing her attempts to expel with random parents (though I don't think so) ...

god I'm getting depressed!

And Pffft! The Disruptive Child Is Gone!

New and Improved Intolero! For all your Behaviour Needs!