To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

[MaryNotPoppins]

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

Yes I have been on threads I've noticed what happens and along side the posts talking issues the child might have there is also the understanding that this must be effecting the child who is the victim badly as well and more often than not advice on how to manage it.
That is not what I've seen here I've seen people more concerned with the perpetrator that the victims and out right hostility to the OP from calling her a liar to a sock puppet.
I've also noticed that when race is raised on this forum the default position for some posters is attack all the tube howling g that they're not racist and how even dare you suggest such things. Same shit different stink.

Op Is the child unkind or badly behaved in any other ways OP?

It sounds to me that she has hit on a surefire way of getting attention every time.

I agree with others that if this has been going on for six months or more then none of the schools actions to date have had any effect.
Put everything in writing. Each and every time. Be brief and factual. State this is a pattern of behaviour since Sep 2014 that is still ongoing. Send to the head and ask for an official response.
The child's right to an education and your DDs right not to be subjected to racial abuse both have to be considered.

My advice to the victims is simply not to react.To close any comment down with a 'yeah,whatever' and walk away.And get their friends to do the same.

Nice, Awadebumbo.

Like I said, you know fuck all about me, my ethnicity, my background or my work.

Totally agree Awade.
People are extremely defensive when it comes to matter of race.

1. The behaviour of this child is not acceptable in any way shape or form
2. It is likely, given the information that the OP has shared that this is due to a chaotic and difficult homelife.
3. Some posters feel that demonising this child is not an acceptable or effective way to deal with the situation and suspect that the OP is over involved
4. The school should not be sharing any information about this child with anyone except their legal guardians

Points 2 - 4 do not mean that point 1 is negated. No-one is saying that it is OK for the child to behave like this, no one is saying that they don't have sympathy for those kids having to deal with being called names.

It is not an either / or situation. It is entirely possible to be horrified by the behaviour of this child, whilst having sympathy for the horrible life this kid may have.

The entire thread in one post, Mrsstarlord.

If only some posters would actually read it

Lol! I have been out of the house since about 8 this morning and it's still the same key messages which some people don't quite seem able to understand - but in another 8 pages!!!

I don't think education is working - no matter how much a black person with experience of racism puts across how it feels to them and their children, and how we feel it isn't dealt with on an equal playing field - legions of people simply won't listen. The issue is, they feel they know best so our voices aren't heard. Doesn't mean we won't keep speaking out though.

From the beginning of the thread apart from some fairminded posters who feel able to look at this issue through a wider lens, there has been a propensity to immediately move towards sympathy for the child doing dishing out the racist abuse. & that in itself could have somehow been fine, if it was balanced with sympathy towards a child shrinking inside hearing this abuse daily, particularly in a space where they want to feel safe, and feel that adults entrused with their care during the school day can take into account their feelings.

As it stands the thread wasn't balanced. I am in no way surprised that the school feels no sense of urgency in dealing with this kind of thing, or that sympathy for racist bully tactics trumps sympathy for the victims to the point what they may feel is glossed over the elephant in the room must never be mentioned.

Things don't change really, it just becomes more insidious and Im minded it will get worse because people's ears are closed in "we know your experiences best" fashion. In OPs shoes I would be kicking up a huge, regular fuss for this matter to be dealt with and if it came to exclusion then yes, because no child deserves to go to school, experience racial abuse and have that cloud their life and educational experience. Id care about that more than handling said bully with kid gloves.

You can't educate people who don't want to be educated - only those who are at least open to it in the 1st place.

Where would you like the child to be moved to, MistressDeeCee? Where do you think they will receive the interventions that will help them not inflict racist abuse on other children?

& Im referring to adults, before the "she's only 6 years old" line is trotted out again. Look at the example of the way the parents, and the school teachers have NOT handled this well. Says it all regarding "education" in the real world, not in some fantasy dimension where this kind of thing can be eradicated just like that with a few words

I don't give a fuck about possible SEN, if my DC were on the receiving end of months of racist bile, I certainly would not tell them to put up with it. The victims are also young kids. Yeah, so what if they walk away from that level of abuse?? I would. But I'd also be rather forthright, as a grown woman.

If the teachers can't handle it, it needs escalating. Obviously. But it's not going to be my kids' job to intervene at that age.

We are dealing with the Real World and it's one in which a child of 6 can't be whizzed out of school, labelled as having Mental Health Problems and dumped on another school without the mainstream school doing all it can, with regard to statutory guidance, to support that child and the children they are abusing racially, within the community they all live in. Whatever their race.

So, MistressDeeCee, what do you think ought to be done about/with this child?

To all those who think the fairest way is to keep managing it in school, what would you do if a child in YOUR child's class was dishing out this horrible crap ( or whatever kind of crap hits home with you)?

It is only when posters mentioned that there were victims of this racist abuse that some posters showed some 'sympathy'.
However, I have felt that many posters have ignored the possible impact on black and Asian children.
Yesterday, I posted about a black work colleague , whose son has refused to go to school because of racist abuse by a couple of boys in his class. The school have done the talks about tolerance ( I hate this word) but the abuse still persists.
My colleague has decided to contact Ofsted in the hope that something will be done.

Something Must Be Done.

What?

Suppose this girl's mother is seriously ill/dead /in prisonThe father works every hour god sends to keep a roof over their head. and can hardly hold it together himself let alone give the little girl the attention she is craving.She is landed with a strange childminder who has her hands full with several littler mindees, for hours and hours a week.The teachers are the only consistent adults in her life and she has hit on a way to get their attention
I am not saying that is the situation, but the point is you just don't know.

Hi laughing, and she is then told repeatedly that we don't talk to each other like that and she still does it. Nope, still don't see how the other children should have to endure it.

MisstressDeeCee sympathy for the children who have to put up with this girl's behaviour is a given. That may be why posters who are able to see that heavy-handed ostracization of this little girl haven't explicitly stated their sympathy for the other children. It's a given.

And yes, when I was the same age as the children we are discussing, in primary school, I did experience racist abuse from some other children. In case you were wondering.

laughingcow13 you have just described just about the only situation where excluding this child from the school might be a reasonable approach.

If she feels that she's being rewarded by school staff for her behaviour, then, yes, FGS, move her away from that place.

But I can't imagine that the situation is as you describe it.

• Oh, and sorry: my last post should have said 'heavy-handed ostracization of this little girl won't work....'

"Hi laughing, and she is then told repeatedly that we don't talk to each other like that and she still does it. Nope, still don't see how the other children should have to endure it."

I agree. What's the solution?

Sparky - nobody is saying that the other kids should have to endure this.

They are saying that as adults no-one should be tittle tattling about a child in the playground and the child doing it should not be demonised.

If there isn't already, I'd suggest the LEA pays for a specific assistant for this child that helps her to integrate with the class and educates her in a separate room every time she pulls this stunt. If exclusion really isnâ??t an option.