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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 10/04/2015 14:40

Why didn't you just get the thread deleted then? Your still identifiable.

Wow school holidays are crazy on here. Smoke and mirrors .....

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 14:40

Yes Joyfull. She forgot to tell Bertha that when she was having a go upthread but she's clarified it now. It's down to 'MN Friends' apparently.

MadYummyMummy · 10/04/2015 14:40

Yes I changed name didn't want people to recognize me on here happens all the time

MadYummyMummy · 10/04/2015 14:42

Joyfulldeathsquad and ItsAllKickingOffPru I had a go as the damn OP not hiding or "forgetting" anything!!!

BigBoobiedBertha · 10/04/2015 14:44

Legal - the OP doesn't have the right to that sort of information.

Presumably they aren't allowed to exclude for a reason! The HT was unprofessional in telling the OP this - I am surprised that the HT felt the need to discuss this with a parent who wasn't directly involved.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 14:44

Of course, OP. Happens all the time

areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 14:51

Of course white privilege exists. Let us not deny this fact.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 15:01

Indeed Bertha, they are more or less telling her there is a mental health angle.

When you posted earlier you said "You really aren't helping by interfering with this. There could be all sorts of agencies involved in this, perhaps even the police if the parents are openly racist. You are not going to be told anything. You either have to trust the school or move your child."

But as you can see, the school is telling the Op things. Quite a lot of things.The head seems to be trying to take parents into her confidence so they are less likely to escalate the matter. This makes me feel the school is floundering and the head is in the wrong.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 15:04

To put it another way, if I were this child's foster carer, social worker or adoptive parent I would be really unhappy about the school's handling of this.

rebelfor · 10/04/2015 15:08

Of course white privilege exists. Let us not deny this fact.

I'm not sure anyone claimed it doesn't exist?

It doesn't apply to every white person though, and shouldn't be uttered as 'typical white privilege' when a white person makes a statement somebody may not agree with.

sparkysparkysparky · 10/04/2015 15:08

I agree, Legal. The school is trying to keep parents on side while it flails about. I think the op should be thinking about moving schools as hard as that is. There seems to be a notion that it's fine to keep this behaviour ongoing in a classroom. Worrying.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/04/2015 15:42

If an averagely intelligent 6 year old hasn't caught on after repeated explaining and telling off and isolation that saying these things are unacceptable and not tolerated at school, then it obviously isn't just a case of spouting what's heard at home. It sounds like very intentional behaviour, it may very well be associated with a child who has been traumatised or disturbed where the child has found a very useful way to get adults hopping in all directions. Probably the meaning of it is far less interesting to the child than the attention, shocked reaction and the power of using those forbidden words and cause disruption. There comes a point where ignoring is probably going to work a lot better to stop the behaviour than producing an exciting fuss.

It may very well be this is a looked after child, or a child in an otherwise highly vulnerable situation causing this behaviour, or a child whose needs fall under the Equality Act. The child may have limited responsibility for this behaviour, as would a child with Autism or Tourettes. This is information the school can't share and will have to work within to balance the needs of everyone involved in the situation. No it's not ideal for anyone, but inclusion takes a lot of balancing and give and take, and sometimes it involves explaining to other children that this is totally unacceptable behaviour but this particular child has difficulties and hasn't learned that yet, and isn't yet managing the expectations everyone else knows how to follow.

Excluding a young child is very difficult. There are very, very few specialist provisions for children with behaviour disturbance, particularly at this age, and there are certainly in my area about 20 kids for every place. It's hard enough to find alternative provision for a child who is physically aggressive and actively dangerous to peers. The Equality Act and Code of Practice 2014 makes it very clear the expectation is on schools to include these children and manage their needs. It's never a case they can simply be sent somewhere else.

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 15:49

just a word of advice op, if you're going to namechange to avoid being recognised it's always advisable not to do so in the middle of the thread you don't want to be recognised on. y'know? Hmm Grin

Joyfulldeathsquad · 10/04/2015 16:17

Absolutely wannabe - how strange. How strange that posters are buying it!

It's not like the op just really wanted to start a two day racism thread is it ?? Nooooooooooo.

This is right up there with the unwanted house guest thread.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 16:18

Apologies Haylutz should have been rebelfor.

Awadebumbo · 10/04/2015 16:22

OP
You, I and some clued up others recognise whats going here. But the more things change the more they say the same.
Some of you could do well to educate yourselves about what it is really like for People of Colour in this country.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 16:38

Once Socky-ness has been unveiled on a thread it's a little hard to take seriously the more outre povs that are flung about, particularly when they seem to bear little relation to what's actually been posted by the non-Socky posters.

One might almost think the thread was being steered in a certain direction.

Ain't biting! Grin

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 16:46

quite. also, having friends on mn you don't want to be recognised by is all very well if op were a regular posting under her regular posting name but her first username was a first-time posting name bar one other post, and this latest one is a first-time posting name.... so no posting history to trip trap over

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 16:50

Some really interesting views on here though, so it's been useful in a way Smile

sparkysparkysparky · 10/04/2015 16:55

Oh Ok. It's totally implausible that a child is saying these dreadful things and the other children are having to endure it day on day because the school is struggling to manage it. How naive I have been to think that could ever happen.

rebelfor · 10/04/2015 17:04

you are funny confused. Your concept of racism and racist is not one I recognise. By the way, simply inserting the word black for white shows you know very little about the meaning of racism. As for not understanding the concept of white privilege, again ... You must live a sheltered life and probably give very little thought to the plight of those who do not share your social or physical characteristics."

Please, do explain what my concept of racism and racist is? Please feel free to trawl through any posts I have made on this thread, or others, that can be construed as racist? And what are my ''social or physical characteristics''? What do YOU know of what I know of racism? Knowing absolutely nothing about me or my family make-up, yet you apparently know so much about me Hmm

Awadebumbo · 10/04/2015 17:09

Was that aimed at me kickingoff?

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 17:14

Awademumbo, OP and others, if you've been on MN for any length of time you may be aware that there are regularly threads about some badly behaved child, and that these regularly draw responses commenting that perhaps that child has special needs or that there is something going on in that child's life to make him/her behave like that. This comes up irrespective of the races of those involved, and of course when no race has been mentioned. And I for one am glad of it, as I think demonising children is abhorrent and people really need to be reminded that behaviour which on the face of it is appalling may have complex roots.

So while, as I hope my posts on this thread indicate, I absolutely agree that no child should be subject to the sort of horrible names that this child is using, I don't agree that responses to this thread suggesting that the other child has problems are in any way racist. I'm also not keen on exclusion as the answer to this since, as has correctly been pointed out, it simply moves the problem to another school - and in fact it will make it worse, since this child and her family will almost inevitably blame her punishment on black people and their supporters. I really don't know what the answer is, apart from educate, educate, educate.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 17:15

I would be delighted to be wound up if it meant the story wasn't true.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 17:17

Yes, I've found your views interesting, along with many others, Awadebumbo.