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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 13:25

oh yes any six year old who says wrong things must have a mental health problem and so be removed from school.
Jesus Christ almighty I have heard it all now.

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 13:28

"Typical White privelege in action

How are statements like that ^ not racist??"

Nope. Not racist at all.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 13:30

black people are associated with monkeys, by whom? Really, any more than all great apes and their descendants?

Really, DoraGora, are you that naive? I don't recommend it, but if you look at a few BNP and EDL websites and can find your way through the swathes of illiteracy, you will find several morons associating black people with monkeys.

BigBoobiedBertha · 10/04/2015 13:32

The school are dealing with this. They are telling you it is a special case. You never see the parents. Do you know for sure the child minder is a child minder and not a foster carer or a carer from a children's home? Maybe this child has already been taken away from her parents and the LA are working with her. Maybe she is getting counselling already. Maybe she has Tourettes or similar. Maybe her family have been victims of a racsist attack and so they are deeply distrusting of other ethnic groups and being racist is their defence mechanism (two wrongs most definitely do not make a right -racism of any kind is not to be tolerated). I am not making excuses for the behaviour but there could be all sorts of complicating factors which you know nothing about and are simply not entitled to know about because it is not any of your business. You just don't know what special circumstances there are.

You are not helping by trying to start some vigilante group to sort this child out. It is totally vile that any child should be hearing this sort of racism from anybody especially one of their peers but the school is trying to bombard the children with positive messages about race and they are making sure that they pick up on every incidence with this child. You really aren't helping by interfering with this. There could be all sorts of agencies involved in this, perhaps even the police if the parents are openly racist. You are not going to be told anything. You either have to trust the school or move your child.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 13:34

good post bertha.

rebelfor · 10/04/2015 13:36

Nope. Not racist at all.

Really? I say bollocks.

''Typical black behaviour in action'' is that not racist either then?

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 13:36

"black people are associated with monkeys, by whom? Really, any more than all great apes and their descendants?"

Do you think people throw bananas at black footballers in case they've forgotten their packed lunches?

Awadebumbo · 10/04/2015 13:36

Haluyt this is white privilege in action here the majority of posters have seen things from the white childs point of view without much consideration for the victims in this the children she is abusing.
I see talk of male privilege all the time on this thread and how women feel patronised when men don't listen to them and take their concerns on board.
I also seen how angry and annoyed people get on here when they are talking about womens issues and a man comes and tries to tell them well the same thing happens to me!
Yet a lot of you are willing to do exactly the same thing to people of colour when they try to talk to you about how racism affects.
It's pure hypocritical self interest.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 13:38

I sympathise with well annoyed comments and it is a shame that some responded with such strenuous and emphatic denial. The experience of ethnic minorities and the way they are judge are not the same when compared to their white counterparts. It will take a very long time for equality to be truly realised. Similar issues exist in the gender divide. Women still have a long way to go before they are treated and judge the same as men.

What well annoyed said has the weight of evidence and commonsense behind it. Don't understand why some took personal offence but I do find the outrage interesting.

Also, why is white privilege a racist terminology? I imagine we must be operating on very different understandings of 'racism'.

Clearly the 6 year old girl knows that the words are hurtful. She uses it to offend and as angry outbursts. So she knows that they are not used to express love or good cheer.

However, at this age her parents are fully responsible for this indoctrination. It is possible to help this child. If there is no proper and early intervention, then we will have a problem adult to deal with.

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 13:39

Nope. Not racist at all.

Really? I say bollocks.

''Typical black behaviour in action'' is that not racist either then?"

I notice you don't say "typical black privilege in action". Because you can't- thr is no such thing as black privilege. White privilege, on the other hand is alive and well.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 13:41

I took offence at being told I would treat a black child with behavioural issues differently from a white child with behavioural issues.

As WellAnnoyed knows fuck all to the power of zip about me, my ethnicity, background or work, I believe that offence to be justified.
HTH.

rebelfor · 10/04/2015 13:43

No, I obviously didn't put 'black privilege in action'. That is the whole point of the statement of 'white privilege', isn't it? White people are the only ones with privilege and use it to their advantage at all times. Sure they do. Hmm

sparkysparkysparky · 10/04/2015 13:44

Any child who says these things and is unable to process repeated warnings that they are unacceptable has mental health problems. My view on what should happen here has been stated repeatedly. no child should be subjected to the appalling stuff this child is spouting. It either understands and means it or it is parroting bs from home and doesn't understand it. I don't care. It is not acceptable in any environment and no child in that school should have put up with it. At 6 a child should understand it can hurt others by what it says. This goes beyond "hurt".

zazzie · 10/04/2015 13:48

The children in another school will have to put up with it. The child will have to go to school somewhere.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 13:49

What about hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, disrupting lessons constantly, inability to control movements or noises, sexualised behaviour, disablism, plain old repeated mean behaviour, sparky?

Would you like all those 6 yr olds booted out of mainstream too?

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 13:52

Well, white people are the only people with white privilege, obviously...........

DixieNormas · 10/04/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyFern · 10/04/2015 13:54

I was just thinking how it is so weird that the OP's child reports in such detail everything this other child says at school. Ships, monkeys, lynching. And they aren't particular friends in a class of twenty.
And your child remembers it all and tells you everything OP! So different to the six and seven year olds I know, your child must be quite unusual.

Is the other child in all the same small advanced groups so they are together a lot of the time? I think you said your son is very ahead? That would be strange for a child with problems at home though, so perhaps not.

I guess that your child being so exceptional is a positive though, as they will no doubt be able to work through many thorny issues they come across that could cause other ordinary children more bewilderment.

Legalconfidence · 10/04/2015 13:55

You are not helping by trying to start some vigilante group to sort this child out. It is totally vile that any child should be hearing this sort of racism from anybody especially one of their peers but the school is trying to bombard the children with positive messages about race and they are making sure that they pick up on every incidence with this child. You really aren't helping by interfering with this. There could be all sorts of agencies involved in this, perhaps even the police if the parents are openly racist. You are not going to be told anything. You either have to trust the school or move your child.

Sadly Bertha the head's strategy is to confide in random parents, including the OP, whose child is not even the principal victim, that she is trying to exclude the child.

rebelfor · 10/04/2015 13:58

Well, white people are the only people with white privilege, obviously...........

Your statement would be humorous if that is what I'd have actually said. Alas....

MadYummyMummy · 10/04/2015 14:00

CrispyFern Come off it other parents and children have shared stories and the children speak amongst themselves. They also addressed the terms used during circle time....here we go again....lets pick apart the post because racism makes me feel uncomfortable.

sparkysparkysparky · 10/04/2015 14:00

Don't get distracted with nonsense. A child who says this things cannot be in mainstream school.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 14:00

Hakluyt, you are funny Confused. Your concept of racism and racist is not one I recognise. By the way, simply inserting the word black for white shows you know very little about the meaning of racism. As for not understanding the concept of white privilege, again ... You must live a sheltered life and probably give very little thought to the plight of those who do not share your social or physical characteristics.

BigBoobiedBertha · 10/04/2015 14:01

They might well have a mental health issue but that isn't grounds for exclusion. If anything it makes it less likely they will be excluded.

The school has a a duty of care to all children, including this child. They are taking steps to counteract the vile behaviour of this child but they also have a duty of care to the child who is actually stuck between a rock and a hard place. She is being told one thing at home and another at school. The school should have other agencies involved at this point to help with this. Perhaps they already do. What they can't do is wash their hands of her. If she was older and capable of thinking things through for herself a bit more then maybe but she is 6 and as such is not wholly responsible for her actions.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 14:04

A child with behavioural issues, sparky?

You brought it up, I just want you to clarify. Smile

Should all children, at the age of 6, who exhibit behaviours that disrupt, hurt or upset others around them be removed from the setting and educated out of mainstream?